The weeks passed slowly. Zoe tried to keep herself busy because, otherwise, memories from that night pushed to the forefront of her thoughts. Joel had been too busy with writing to really notice her distance and quietness…at least that's what she hoped. She threw herself into work and any and all Bluebell activities that she could – as long as they had nothing to do with the Rammer Jammer or its owner. She had avoided that place and Wade. She couldn't see him right now. Her emotions were all over the place…again. But somehow, this time, it was worse than the way she had felt after their breakup.
It surprised her to learn that Wade was apparently avoiding her too. One morning, she spied him and Lavon at the Butter Stick as she and AnnaBeth arrived for breakfast. By the time they had placed their orders and made their way over to Lavon's table, Wade was gone.
"Where did Wade go?" AnnaBeth asked Lavon.
"Said he had to get to the Rammer Jammer. He didn't even finish his coffee." Zoe saw the nearly full cup of coffee that had been abandoned on the table. He gave Zoe a pointed look that she tried to ignore. Lavon had asked Zoe what had happened that night, but Zoe, unsure of what to say, had changed the topic of conversation quickly.
"Well, that's weird" AnnaBeth said. "Lemon said she made him take a few days off from the Rammer Jammer. She said he's been working himself ragged." Zoe remained unusually quiet throughout the rest of their breakfast.
As the days moved closer to Christmas, Joel kept pushing for a New York getaway. Zoe finally agreed, thinking that getting some space and distance was exactly what she needed. She had a sense of déjà vu and cursed Wade for messing with her head and emotions again. She decided that a New York style Christmas with Joel was the best remedy to remind her of what a perfect boyfriend she had and to help her forget the ex-boyfriend that had shattered her world – twice.
She and Joel both got wrangled into a Christmas party at the mayor's house that was set for the day before their plane was scheduled to leave for New York. Against her better judgment, Zoe couldn't help wondering if Wade was going to be at that party. It seemed like everyone else in Bluebell was going to be there.
Halfway through the festivities, she stopped wondering. There was no sign of him and she doubted he would show up at all. This just served to stir up her anger. She was tired of playing this avoidance game – Bluebell was too small for that. She wasn't sure if it was the drinks she'd had at the party or if she had just finally summoned up the courage to seek him out and give him a piece of her mind. She had come to the conclusion that she was happy with Joel and finding out the truth about Wade's lie didn't change anything.
She snuck away from the party and made her way towards the back of the plantation, towards the gate house. As she got closer, she saw the lights were on, indicating that he was home. She wondered if he was alone. She definitely had some liquid courage coursing through her veins because she suddenly didn't care if she was going to be interrupting him with some other girl.
She saw him sitting on his porch, looking out over the pond, beer in hand. She wasn't sure if he heard her coming or sensed her presence, but when she was a few steps from his porch, he turned to look at her. They stared at each other for several long seconds, neither one wanting to be the first to speak.
"Why aren't you at Lavon's party?" she finally broke the silence.
"Guess I'm not in a party kind of mood" he replied.
"I just wanted to let you know that you don't have to avoid parties or our friends just because of me. I'm with Joel and I'm happy. He's perfect for me. That night at the Rammer Jammer…that kiss or whatever, was just…just a mistake" she said.
"You trying to convince me or yourself, Doc?" Wade asked. The amusement she sensed in his voice made her blood boil.
"I don't need any convincing! I'm happy with Joel! He's everything I've always wanted!" she responded hotly, stamping her foot like a petulant child.
He got up from his chair and slammed his beer bottle down on the table. "Yeah, well, good luck with that Doc. Merry Christmas!" he replied angrily and turned his back on her as he started making his way back into his house. His dismissal of her presence fanned the flames of her anger. Deciding that the conversation was far from over, Zoe followed after him and let herself into his gatehouse, not waiting for an invitation. He turned in surprise when he heard her behind him.
"You're a coward, Wade Kinsella!" she shouted at him angrily as she slammed his door shut. He looked at her incredulously but didn't say anything. "You take the easy way out for everything! It's so much easier to just be the town screw up and have no one expect anything from you than to live up to the potential that everyone sees in you!" He showed no reaction to her words so she continued. "You're a coward because instead of fighting for what you wanted, you completely destroyed us. I could have loved a bartender from a hick Southern town," she threw his words from that night back at him, "but I could never love a coward!"
"Oh, is that right, Zoe? You could have loved a loser bartender?! You sure about that?!" he responded sarcastically. "Answer me something, would you have ever asked Tucker or Joel to be 'casually monogamous' with you?!" he used his hands to motion air quotes angrily. "Would you ever have kept them a dirty little secret that no one else was supposed to find out about?!" he yelled at her.
"That's not what I did with you, Wade –" she tried to explain.
"Bullshit you didn't, Zoe!" he interrupted angrily. "Your whole plan was for George Tucker never to find out about us because when you were done slumming around with me, you were gonna drop me like a piece of trash and go on and live happily ever after with your perfect lawyer boyfriend!"
She couldn't believe what she was hearing. "You have got to be kidding me right now!" she exclaimed. "Wade – when we started, YOU were the one that made it all about sex" she paced towards him, pointing her finger at him in an accusing way. "I asked you how you felt after the first time we slept together and you said you weren't going to fight with George to be my boyfriend! Do you remember that?! YOU didn't want a relationship with ME! YOU made it all about sex and it probably hurt your pride and your ego when I just followed your lead!" Zoe stood with her hands on her hips, holding her ground.
Wade huffed in an exasperated way, "Oh, we're fighting dirty tonight, huh, Zoe?"
"No, we're just being honest with each other – for once! You're a jackass. It's like you don't think you deserve to be happy and you destroy anything that brings you any joy. You push away anyone that could care for you. You put up walls and make it impossible for anyone to break through!" Zoe responded angrily.
"What's the point? Everyone just ends up leaving anyways, isn't that right, Zoe?" he said with venom laced in his words. "How long are you going to New York for this time? Hmm?" She gave him a surprised look. "Bluebell's a small town, you know word travels fast around here, so yeah, I know all about your magical Christmas getaway with your perfect boyfriend. So how long you gonna be gone this time, Zoe? Just for the weekend? Three months, maybe? Three months in which you decide that you're leaving Bluebell for good and send EVERYONE a mass email basically saying 'see you never'?!" his voice got louder with each question. She looked down at her feet in shame. That email had been a mistake; she knew that as soon as she sent it.
"I don't fight for what I want?!" Wade continued, throwing her words from earlier back at her. He walked towards her angrily and stooped down to look her in the eye as he continued, "I drove all over Alabama looking for you to tell you that I was in love with you and what happened, Zoe?" Not waiting for a response, his gaze unrelenting, he continued. "Oh, that's right – you said you needed time and space and you ran off to New York. I respected your decision and gave you all the time and space in the world," he threw his arms wide, motioning wildly, "and you started a new life with someone else!" He was seething with anger now.
The tears that had been threatening to fall for the last several minutes trickled down Zoe's cheeks. She wiped them away angrily. "You broke my heart!" Zoe yelled, finally meeting his gaze. "I thought you cheated on me. I was distraught for months! Months, Wade! Months that I was living across this pond from you," she pointed towards the carriage house, "crying myself to sleep every single night and you did nothing! And all for what? It was all a lie anyways!" she exclaimed angrily. He covered his eyes with the heels of his palms, rubbing fiercely at his face before taking some steps away from her, putting distance between them. "You did this to us! You broke me! You broke us, so I'm so sorry that I couldn't throw my arms around you and declare my undying love when you finally decided to fight for something" she said derisively.
"Oh, don't you worry about me. I understand completely why you couldn't tell me that you loved me," Wade responded in a sarcastic tone, finally looking at her. "I mean, it's not like I'm George Tucker – who you NEVER dated – how many times and in how many different ways did you declare your love for him?" Zoe looked down at the ground, unable to look Wade in the eyes. "Or even Joel, who I'm sure you knew for all of 5 minutes before you probably threw out an 'I love you'!"
"That's not true," Zoe stated quietly as tears continued to slide down her cheeks.
"You barge in here and call me a coward. I did what I had to do, Zoe. I thought it was the right thing to do at the time! Letting you go was the hardest and most selfless thing I've ever done and I did it so you could find your Prince Charming and be happy" he said, running his hand through his hair in a frustrated manner. "I've made mistakes along the way, I'm not denying that. I understand that by the time I decided to fight for us…by the time I decided that I COULD be the man to make you happy, it was too late," his voice faltered and he turned his back on her, attempting to regain his composure. When he turned back around to look at her, she couldn't read the emotion in his eyes. "As long as we're putting everything out in the open," he continued, "At least I've learned not to run away from my problems…not to ignore them and pretend they don't exist, Zoe. I'm not the one that is trying desperately to make a relationship that isn't right work" he said quietly, sadly.
"Joel and I work just fine," she said with more conviction than she actually felt.
"Then why are you here, Zoe? Really, what is the point of this conversation? Why are we fighting and arguing and throwing accusations back and forth?!" she didn't respond. "It doesn't make sense to get this emotional or cry over something that doesn't matter to you Zoe" he continued softly.
Silent tears fell from her eyes that she quickly wiped away. "Joel and I work fine," she repeated softly with a waver to her voice. She watched him from across the room as he stalked towards her in the dance that they had been locked in for several minutes…or several months, if she was being honest with herself. "You were right – he is perfect for me. He's a good guy. He'll never hurt me. He'll never break my heart. He'll never make me cry," with each word her voice got a little bit quieter.
He was directly in front of her now. "He'll never make you feel like this either," Wade stated, as one hand moved to her waist, pulling her closer to him, and his other hand moved to cup her cheek and turn her face up towards his. She knew that if she had shown any moment of hesitation, any indecision, he would have stopped instantly. Like a moth to a flame, though, she willingly turned her face up to his, and more than willingly accepted his kiss.
There was no denying that this was a kiss. Not like that night at the Rammer Jammer when she wasn't even sure that their lips had really touched. This was everything that she had been missing for months. Everything that neither Joel or George or anyone else in this world would ever make her feel. She whimpered in need and deepened their kiss as her hands found their way up his chest and to the back of his head, pulling him closer. His hand tangled into her hair as he gently broke the kiss and began placing small kisses along her jaw and down her neck. He whispered against her skin, "He'll never break your heart because you'll never let him get that close. I'm not the only one that puts up walls Zoe" he said, before he captured her lips in another passionate kiss that set her body on fire.
They stood in his living room for several minutes, trading kisses and caresses. Wade gently wiped the tears from her cheeks, traced the outline of her face with his fingertips, pushed a lock of her hair behind her ear, taking in every detail. Zoe ran her hands along the scruff of his jaw, down the column of his neck and to his broad shoulders. She ran her hands back up the path they had just traveled and tangled her fingers in his soft blond hair. He rested his forehead on hers, knowing that these tender moments would soon come to an end.
"Why did you lie to me Wade?" Zoe asked softly, not really expecting an answer.
Wade took a deep breath before responding quietly, "I freaked out Zoe. You gave me that sign for my bar. You believed in me, believed that I could win the competition and get enough money for my bar and I freaked. I didn't want to disappoint you and I figured it was only a matter of time before that happened. The last thing I wanted was to see that look of disappointment on your face." Wade twirled a lock of her hair around his fingers. "I thought it was the right thing to do at the time" he said in a tortured voice.
"Why didn't you just say all that to me, Wade?" Zoe asked sadly. "Why didn't you just tell me how you were feeling? We could have worked through that."
Wade shook his head, "I don't think we could have. I wasn't ready for you. I'd been chasing you for over a year and you're all I've ever wanted, but I wasn't ready – mentally or emotionally. I just needed to get my life together better…and now, it's too late." Zoe buried her head in his chest and hugged him tightly, not knowing what to say. Was it truly too late for them? That was a question she couldn't answer right now.
"I should go" she whispered sadly. He nodded his head slowly.
"I guess this is good bye" Wade murmured quietly. Those words caused an instant grief in her heart.
"No!" she whispered fiercely. "Don't say that! Please don't say that!" she gripped his shirt between both fists and clung to him. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight against him. She wished desperately they could stay like this forever.
"I just need time…please" she pleaded with him. He just nodded sadly. Time for what, he wasn't exactly sure and he couldn't summon up the courage to ask her – not right now. The night had already been full of revelations and he wasn't sure he could take any more. She must know that he still loved her, it was pretty obvious to him. It didn't escape his notice that she still couldn't voice her feelings for him.
He kissed her forehead one more time before he gently disentangled himself from her. He watched her wipe the tears from her eyes and give him one last sad smile. She walked to the door of the gatehouse, turned and looked at him one more time, and let herself out.