"I wanted us to talk before we leave for winter hiatus. I have a few more thoughts."
"Oh. Love to hear them."
"I'm thinking that the whole problem with the old Jane is he was too classy. You know, with the three piece suits and the poetry and the reading and the tea?"
"We thought that—"
"Bear with me. I'm trying to pay you a compliment here. I think your instincts in losing some of that stuff are excellent."
"I actually think that you were the one who-"
"The seedy beard. The wrinkled shirt. Genius. He's a great looking guy but if you bring him a little closer in wardrobe and personal hygiene to what the female 18-49 is married to, you make her feel less despondent about who she really has to do it with. Are you following me?"
"I think I see what you're saying."
"So why not run with it. Ditch the jacket. How about a Hawaiian shirt? I know you guys have dug in your heels about the sarong so I'm gonna give you your head there. I'll never mention it again even if it is a brilliant idea. But if we do the shirt and surfer shorts, I think it's a much more relatable look."
"That seems kind of-"
"And give him a pair of those Teva sandals. And have him grow a long braid but just in the back. The top hair should be short and curly. You give him an earring. And I think you have an approachable guy. Nobody has to feel bad about themselves around a guy like that."
"We'll certainly-"
Now this old girlfriend, she has lots of potential. She's sort of a blue collar chick, right? Like to be at his level, she's had to put her tootsies in an upper berth, right?
"Tootsies in an upper berth?"
Yeah, it's like he's above her. No woman wants that. The female 18-49 is more comfortable thinking a man's beneath her.
"I'm not sure if I'm getting your point."
"My point is let who she is dictate things like what they eat and drink. Go downscale. No more restaurants with napkins. No tea or wine. Just beer and booze. And let them both be crazy for Pop Tarts. And Glade candles. Who knows maybe we could get product placement money. And I hate to bring up her clothes again. But you are so stubborn about this. I'm thinking short jeans skirt, off the shoulder polka dot blouse and pink platform mules. And give her a stick of gum. "
"I'll certainly convey your-"
"Now the Airstream is a brilliant move. A guy in a Hawaiian shirt and surfer shorts and a long braid and a beard and an earring and Teva sandals lives in an Airstream in the FBI parking lot. That is cute as a button."
"Actually we weren't thinking-"
"Maybe he could have a little still out back. A still in the FBI parking lot. That's perfect. And him and his hoochie mama can drink moonshine and sit out all night and shoot cans off the roof of the trailer.
"I'm sure we can make some-"
What's the matter? You seem upset. I know how hard it is to strip a show of the elements you created. Some stuff that you're married to. But you creative guys are fantastic. You'll come up with new elements. I've got faith."
"Well, I hope you have a happy holiday."
"Yeah you too. Wait, this is not a dictate. But think about getting him a parrot."