When Dean woke, he had completely forgotten what happened. His entire body had needed to rest. Now, waking slowly, he felt much better, though whether he knew it or not was debatable. He took a deep breath and groaned softly, his forehead still in Cas's chest, strong arms around his shoulders. They were still, though. Cas's breath came in even rise and falls. Was he asleep? When Dean shifted to look, his pillow moved. Not asleep. Just stone still. Shifting to lean back, Castiel looked down at him with cloudy eyes, his nostrils flaring with worry. He took Dean's face in his hands and his worry was palpable.

It all rushed back. The shame, the break down. It was as if Dean had gotten shot through the heart with an arrow, and if he took it out he'd bleed to death – but if he didn't, he would die slowly. He looked up into Cas's face and tears pricked his bright, hurt green eyes, brown flecks swimming in sorrow. Castiel didn't push him. He didn't even ask. He just waited. Dean managed to swallow his tears, his breath becoming labored again. He tried to work his jaw, form words around the stake in his chest, and his lungs shuddered with the effort.

"I don't know where this came from," Dean managed, "I was just… I went through my classes thinking about it, you know? Thinking about how everything seems perfect to us. How amazing it is to have you, and to be here for you. And how everyone thinks about it. How wrong we're told it is, just to be… what we want, with who we want." Castiel's eyes were like round cups made of stone, and every word that came stumbling out of Dean's mouth was like a drop of acid that melted his worry into sadness, his eyes swimming like a churning sea with bitterness and a deep-reaching anguish. "We're happy, aren't we? We're fixing each other. We're healing. Why does that have to be judged? Why is it different?" He looked away and put his forehead back against Cas's chest, sighing with frustration. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you worry about me. I… I just-"

"It's all right," Cas interrupted. "It's ok, Dean. You were hysterical."

"Hysterical." Dean shut his eyes as soothing hands slid through his hair. "That was a crappy feeling. Like my body was a rocket and someone put Red bull in my fuel tank." He kneaded Cas's hip, rhythmically. "I must've scared you shitless. I'm so sorry, Castiel. I really am." He looked back up, and Cas nodded, his throat tightening. The touching, the grabbing; he'd been roughly forward. Just like… Dean's heart sank. "Cas." He reached up and put his arms around Cas, holding him close. "Dammit." He whispered. "Did I hurt you, are you ok?"

Castiel shook his head, swallowing hard. Martius. Martius grabbing him, holding him down. Yanking at his clothes. Grinning into a kiss as he pushed bruises into his skin with his fingerprints. "It's fine. I'm fine. I'm just glad you're all right. You… you just scared me is all, you couldn't hurt me unless you… really meant it." He touched his face to Dean's neck and drew back, looking into his eyes. "We need to talk to someone. You need to talk to someone, before this happens to you again."

"I will never mean to." Dean pressed. "Cas, I…" He trailed off, looking into his eyes. "Cas, hit me. Do something to me. Punch me in the face if I ever even try. I mean it. A good shiner, don't hold back, I can take it."

Cas paled considerably. "Dean I can't." He forced.

"I know. Jesus, I know…" Dean groaned and kissed Cass's forehead, hard. How could he ask that? "I will. I'll go see someone. I'll do anything; but I won't do that to you. I won't make you." He said adamantly, looking at him for forgiveness, approval, anything.

Big blue eyes devoid of judgment drank him in. "You kept saying that you loved me." His fingertips smoothed the taunt line of Dean's jaw. "I wasn't scared of you. I was scared for you." His acceptance crashed a wave of relief over Dean. Dean kissed him, and kissed him, and smothered him in 'I love you's. Cas sank into his warmth, and let him soothe away the fear he had caused. They didn't go to dinner that night. They stayed in the room and drifted in and out of sleep and clung to each other, waking every now and then to kiss another part of the other. Muffled moans and soft grinding took their minds off their pain. Then in a tangle of arms and legs, they were both dead asleep.

Dean went through the next day in a dream-like trance. His exhaustion had hollowed out his mind. Everything outside was cloudy and dull, only adding to his bone-weary mood. The sidewalks were empty. So was the café at breakfast. Everyone thought it was a better idea to sleep in, when Dean could hardly stand to miss another class. No one went to his first seminar; it was five of them sitting through a lecture and two were asleep through it. He had a gap between his next classes, though, and he intended to use it for Bobby's paper and some other homework.

Cas had pressed him this morning to pick someone to talk to, and fast, because they both knew without mentioning it aloud that it wasn't going to be long before Dean had another breakdown. For some reason all this was just overwhelming him. Maybe it was his problem with his dad missing – he modeled everything in himself after his dad. Fighting, driving, cars, hunting, chicks… He didn't even think himself capable of individual thought until he'd met Cas. Now that he was fending for himself it was making his head work in ways it never had to before. Being gay, going to school, making friends, a car crash? Diverging from his dad's old-fashioned, kick-ass guy routine was messing with him, and he needed to know why.

The last thing he wanted to do was talk to one of his friends, or teachers, because they wouldn't be… equipped to handle his level of emotional distress. He wouldn't put that on anyone. A counselor was his other option, and telling a stranger he was gay was going to be even more difficult. That fear haunted him every step he took.

He had homework to do, so he went to the library and sank down at one of a pair of windows computers. The rest were all macs, and he could hardly use a windows computer, so he figured it best to leave those to the other students with similar ideas as his.

He dropped his backpack and logged in and brought up his student mail. Checking it for homework assignments, he saw one e-mail from Bobby marked urgent. That was strange. Bobby had already given him a paper to write. It had been sent yesterday, and didn't look very long. He clicked on it. The page popped open mostly white, with a small band of black lettering.

'Dean Winchester,

There's something going on with you lately and it ain't good. I want to see you in my office tomorrow right after classes. And don't stand me up. I want an explanation, and it better be a damn good one.

Try the truth. That's always the least painful way to approach life; cutting the crap and all.

Bobby'

Dean stared at the short message with a blank face. Bobby? Bobby wanted him to talk? Well after yesterday it was no surprise. He'd bolted from his office like his damn shoes were on fire. He sat back, his heart churning. He had to go. Bobby was going to get it out of him one way or another, best let it be the good way. He had to think of how to explain it. As gently as possible, and with a lot of subtlety. And he wouldn't mention that it was with his roommate. Not yet. With a hand rubbing over his face Dean went back to his homework, the nagging fear of being exposed publically with Cas eating away at him. His fingers dragged over the keyboard as he typed up his paper for Bobby, and finished his other homework, his eyes burning as he stared at the screen. When he was done he printed it all off and shoved it in a folder and went upstairs to his next class.