Thanks to all those who are reading this story!

Chapter rated T for language and suggestive themes.

There's a hole in what you're saying.
I can plainly see.
You've a lover that's waiting
But baby you're right here with me.

Oh you might as well be the devil,
Keeping me up past three.

Well you're the one with that apple
But baby you can't blame me

Oh, why do you keep drinking?
Give me one night with you.
If I didn't know better…
But damn it, I do.

-The Civil Wars

Chapter 20: If I Didn't Know Better

When I woke up on Monday morning, it took me a few moments to realize that last night had happened, and then it hit me harder than anything has ever hit me before.

I didn't want to say that this felt worse than Hadley. I didn't want to say this was the worse pain I'd ever felt in my life. The pain was still acute—it ate me inside and out the way the pain with Hadley had—but it was a much different type of pain. It was the pain of my own making.

This time everything was different because I had no one to blame but myself for the pain I was in. Hadley had shattered me. He had made me feel ugly and worthless and abnormal because I wouldn't sleep with him. He had made me feel like everything that was happening was my fault because I just wasn't like other girls. Worst of all, he made me feel isolated.

This time it was different because I felt like I had no right to be in pain, and yet the pain was so much more severe—a different kind of severity. In the year and a half that I was with Hadley, I had never, ever felt the things I felt after only knowing Malfoy for a month. He never made my heart race and my skin ignite and my fingertips tingle. He never made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the entire world. He never said the kinds of things that Malfoy said, and he never held me in his arms the way Malfoy had, making me never want to leave them.

When Hadley and I had broken up, I felt pain, that was certain, but it hadn't made my heart actually hurt. And right now, as I lay in bed staring up at my canopy, my heart was hurting like it never had. Every beat of my heart was like the sharp stab of a knife, reminding me of everything I'd lost. I had ruined everything by my ridiculous need to protect myself and get revenge on anyone who hurt me.

I just wanted to shield myself from pain. It had hurt too much with Hadley and I wanted to armor myself against anything like that again by retaliating immediately, and letting the person who wronged me know that I wouldn't take it so they would never do it again. I had armored myself—closed myself off to the world by doing so—and the shield had ended up turning against me. It had become the weapon when it was supposed to protect.

I felt like I didn't have any right to be sad. I'd gotten all my tears out the night before, and now I had to face what I'd done. I had made my bed, and now I would have to lie in it.

With heavy limbs and a heavier heart, I swung my legs over the side of my bed and stood up and walked to the bathroom.

Ainsley was in there as she always was when I got in.

"Rose…"

I looked up at her and she looked concerned. Her concern for my wellbeing would have made me hate her a few months ago, but now it only made me feel more desperate and desolate. It deepened the sadness I told myself I wasn't allowed to feel.

"Are you okay?"

I nodded because I knew that if I said anything I would start crying, and I couldn't.

Ainsley regarded me for several moments before she put down what she was doing and walked out of the bathroom. I sighed. I didn't blame her for not wanting to be present for my spiral.

I looked up into the mirror and found that Ainsley was right to question my appearance. My eyes were puffy and red and bloodshot; my face was swollen. My hair was matted and I had lines on my cheek from where I had pressed my face into my pillow and wept all night. I looked terrifying. I looked so ridiculous that I couldn't help it—I laughed. I could only imagine the horror Ainsley had felt at seeing me. I felt it myself. I looked ridiculous.

But as soon as the laughter was there, it was gone—just like my relationship with Malfoy.

I washed my face with cold war, appreciating the feel of the water as it slid down my face. I brushed my teeth slowly, avoiding my reflection as I tried not to remember when Scorpius and I had brushed our teeth together the first time. I pulled my hair up into a messy bun, and stared at myself for a little longer. How was I going to face him? How was I going to go the Great Hall or to class knowing that the guy who had practically changed my life in just a week now despised me?

A small knock came on the door, and I ignored it, figuring it was just one of the others, and they were afraid because Ainsley told them I was a mess in here and they feared what I would do when I was upset.

"Rose…"

I jolted at the sound of the voice.

"Albus?" I reached over and gripped the handle, and he pushed through at the same time I was pulling it open. Seeing him standing there, his black hair a mess like he'd been pulled out of bed and his green eyes bright with concern, I couldn't take it. I threw myself into his chest and sobbed.

"Shh," he said, wrapping a tight arm around my shoulders and rubbing circles on my back with the other hand. I didn't even bother to question how he had gotten up here. I just buried myself deeper into his chest, clutching at the front of his t-shirt and surrendering myself to the pain I was trying not to feel.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Albus asked quietly after a while.

I shook my head. "Not yet," I said between sobs.

"Come on," he said, and I felt him pulling me out of the bathroom, his arm around my shoulders and holding me closely. I noticed when we entered the dormitory that all my dormmates were gone. They probably didn't want to be around for the wrath they feared was inevitable. Albus guided me to my bed and we stopped at the foot of it. He released me for a moment and bent down into my trunk to pull out my white button down school shirt, my skirt, and my robes. He slid a pair of shoes over, and wordlessly, I slipped my feet into them. Then he grabbed my bag and slung it over his shoulder before putting his arm around me and guiding me out of the dorm.

I was grateful that he didn't say anything as he led me through the common room and out of Gryffindor tower. I felt eyes of the few people in the common room on me as we walked through, but I didn't care. Let them see. Let them see Rose Weasley: the woman no man would ever love.

I should have known that Albus was leading me down to the dungeons to his dormitory, but it just hadn't registered with me, and as we got closer and I realized it, fear shot through me.

"I can't," I said.

Albus stopped walking and looked down at me. He studied me intently for a moment, a frown gracing his handsome features that looked so much like his father's. I looked up at him with desperation in my eyes, and he reached into his pocket and pulled out a shimmering object. I didn't have time to question it before he draped the cloak over me, and suddenly I was invisible.

My love for Albus tripled.

He reached under the cloak and grabbed my hand, guiding me down to the dungeons to Slytherin House. Anyone walking by and looking closely might have noticed that it looked like Albus's hand was missing, but the few people who walked by didn't notice.

I followed him blindly, tears stinging my eyes as I remembered the last time I had been in this corridor, running the opposite way, the pain in my chest so intense that I thought I might collapse before I made it to Gryffindor Tower.

Before I knew it, Albus was pulling the cloak off me and guiding me to his bed in his dormitory. His dormmates were sitting around getting ready, but they didn't seem to care at all that I was there. I was reminded once again why I liked Slytherins so much.

Albus sat down next to me on his bed and put his arm around me again. I felt him looking at me, and I knew I would have to tell him, but I couldn't talk in front of his housemates. Even though Slytherins didn't tend to care what was going on in other people's lives, I still couldn't talk openly about the… relationship I had with their Head of House.

As if sensing what I was thinking, Albus released me and scooted back so that he was leaning against his headboard, and he gestured for me to do the same at the foot of his bed. He drew his curtains and leaned back, bending his knees in front of him as I sat against the back of his bed and crossed my legs in front of me, staring at the hands in my lap while me and Albus faced each other. He then pulled out his wand and whispered a few spells. Then he yelled the names of the other guys in the dorm, and when they didn't answer, he looked at me as if to say, "it's safe."

I sighed. "It's Malfoy." I looked up at Albus and he had a small, sad smile on his face.

"I figured as much." He tilted his head in a way he was wont to do when he was concerned or wary. "Do I need to beat up another guy for you?"

I managed a smile. "I don't think that'd be a good idea."

Albus nodded. "What did he do?"

My chin began to quiver as the tears threatened again. "It's what I did," I said as the tears began to fall. I wiped them away angrily and took a deep, shuttering breath. Albus just frowned at me, so I took a few more deep breaths before I said, "The note we sent McGonagall."

Albus's eyes widened. "Rose—"

"It's my own fucking fault," I said angrily. "Why can't I just let things alone?"

"He made you miss the concert. He—"

"That wasn't even really why I fucking wanted to do it!" I said frantically. "That night of the concert he kissed me before he let me go."

"Oh."

"Yeah. And then I—I fucking went back to the classroom for… more? I don't know. And he kissed me again but then he got freaked and he made me leave, and I—well, he hurt me! And you know—"

"You don't let anyone hurt you."

"Right."

A pause, and then, "You told him it was us?"

"I told him it was me," I corrected.

"I'll tell him I did it," Albus said quickly.

"Like hell you will, Al," I said. "You aren't going to get expelled for this. It's just—it's better if he just hates me for it."

"But I hate seeing you like this."

I looked up at Albus and he really did look pained, like my pain was transferring to him. The gratitude and love I felt for him was nearly unbearable. "I'll be fine," I said quietly. Then I looked in my lap again. "It's not like… I mean, we could have never worked anyway."

"Rose—"

"I mean, really, Al, what kind of—fucking future did me and Malfoy have?" He didn't say anything, and I didn't either because we both knew.

We had been doomed from the start. I just pushed the process along.

After classes ended, I was desperate.

I hadn't been able to concentrate in any class at all. In the classes I had with Albus, he tried to keep me focused, but I just couldn't. I had to leave the room just to breathe a bit because I felt so anxious and upset. I didn't eat anything at lunch, and I could tell Albus was getting concerned, but he didn't say anything. He just watched me, and offered comfort when I needed it.

After dinner, my desperation spilled over. I hadn't seen Malfoy all day. He wasn't at meals when I was, and I didn't see him around the castle at all, but I had to talk to him. If I could just explain why I had done it—why I was always so careful about sticking up for myself—he would get it. He knew what Hadley had done to my self-esteem. Surely he would understand that this was a result of that—that I had to protect myself. He would have to understand, or I would make him.

I walked quickly down to the dungeons, and my stomach was churning in knots. I went to the wall where I knew it opened to lead to his quarters, and I put my hand against it. Nothing happened, and my heart sank. He was done with me. This proved it once and for all. He didn't want to forgive me, and he wouldn't. He didn't want anything to do with me, and he had made that clear by taking the charm off his door to let me in. The knife that had been resting in my heart since last night twisted.

But I still had to talk to him. Even if we were done, I still wanted to make him see that I wasn't a bad person. That I wasn't who he thought I was. I walked down the hall a bit and pushed through the doors of the Potions classroom. He wasn't at his desk, but I saw the sliver of light coming out from under the door that led to his office. With a deep breath, I walked up to the door and tried the handle, but it didn't budge. I sighed. He wanted me out. I got it. But, knowing what I had to do, I raised my hand, my fist suspended in the air for a moment before I was able to gather the courage. Then with a brief shake of the head, I knocked.

"It's me," I said into the door.

I looked down and saw a shadow appear briefly blocking portions of the light that seeped out under the door. He didn't open the door for me, though, and my head swam a bit.

"Please," I said quietly, knowing he could hear me. "I have to talk to you. I'm sorry." I waited, but the door still didn't open and the shadow didn't move. "Scorpius, please, I…" I felt tears burn the back of my eyes. I knocked on the door again, harder this time. "Please let me in. I have to see you." Still nothing.

Then the desperation I'd been feeling clawed at my throat like it was a beast trying to get out, and I banged on the door as the tears began to fall. "Scorpius, please let me in—please—I'm sorry, please just—" I was cut off when I saw the light in his office go out, making the knife twist even deeper and harder. Sobs shuttered through my chest as my voice raised and I yelled at him through the door through my tears.

"Goddammit, Malfoy let me in, please! I…" My knees gave out and I slid to the floor, my fist sliding down the door as I went. "Please, please," I said through my sobs, even though he was no longer there. "I… Scorpius, I need you, please." I hit the door as I continued to cry. "Please…" my voice was falling away as my throat became overtaken by the sobs. "I… please… Scorpius…"

He never opened the door.

I don't know how long I sat there, crying in a ball against Scorpius's office door, occasionally begging him to let me in. I cried until my tears dried up and turned into loud hiccups and gasps.

As I sat there and the tears subsided, anger began to seep in. I was angry that Malfoy could listen to me crying outside his door and not even care at all. Obviously I meant nothing to him if he could toss me aside so easily after one mistake. He wouldn't even hear me out—wouldn't even bother to let me defend my actions even if they were indefensible. I had given him the one thing I hadn't given anybody and would never be able to give anybody again, and he obviously didn't care about that at all. So, finally, after what felt like an eternity, I stood up on shaky legs as resolve settled in my stomach.

I adjusted my clothing and stared at the door for just a moment longer before turning with my head held high and leaving the classroom, trying to get back what remained of my dignity.

I never saw Malfoy on the other side of the door, his back against it, his hand over his mouth as tears swam in his eyes.

I walked slowly back to Gryffindor in a daze. A fog had settled over me, and I was afraid it would not lift until I was just able to talk to Malfoy. But he wouldn't listen. He absolutely refused to hear me out, and the anger I felt toward him was building steadily by the minute. The more I thought about crying outside his door as he listened, the more indignant I felt, the more my blood boiled.

But I knew he wasn't entirely in the wrong. I should have never sent that stupid letter! All this time I thought I was doing the right thing, sticking up for myself the way I had been, but then again, it had never happened like this. I'd never done this kind of thing to someone that I cared about. It had always been with the goal of severing ties.

But it was an accident, didn't he see that? If I had known all of this would happen between him and me, I never would have done it. Not in a million years.

But I guess that wasn't the point, was it?

I didn't know what to do. I had so many conflicting emotions. So I just tried to block them out. I tried to tell myself that I didn't really care about Malfoy that much, and that none of this really mattered and that life could and would go on—that I had no right to get this upset over a guy who I had only been… seeing for a week. I hadn't even known what we were. It was over before it even started.

But I remembered him calling me his girl, and my chest contracted painfully. I was on the seventh floor almost to Gryffindor when I knew it was coming—I ran to a tall urn standing in the corner and puked inside it.

It felt kind of relieving—like I was expelling toxins or something.

I stayed with my head bent there for a moment, just thinking, just wishing that this day would just be over.

Shakily, I stood upright, wiped my mouth, and walked into Gryffindor Tower.

I ignored the eyes on me as I walked through the common room and up to my dormitory. I didn't have anything to say to anyone.

When I got up to the dorm, I threw myself face down onto my bed, and then after a moment, I screamed as loudly as I could into my pillow.

"Rose?"

I whipped my head around and saw Meg sitting propped against her headboard with a book in her lap.

"Hey," I said simply, as if I hadn't just screamed like a maniac into my pillow.

"Everything all right?"

I scoffed. "Is it ever?"

She smiled weakly. "I know the feeling."

Silence fell over us, and I sat up in my bed. I was just going to take a shower—hopefully wash away some bad feelings and bad memories—and I stood up to head to the bathroom when Meg spoke.

"I—"

I looked up at her.

"I just…" She looked down. "I wanted to just say sorry, you know… for everything."

"Oh."

"You were right, you know," she said quietly. "About everything."

"I don't—"

"I made it easy for him. That's why he wanted me."

"I shouldn't have said that," I said quickly, even though I'd meant it then, and it was still true. Everyone knew that Meg Bloodworth was easy—we'd all always known it. But I couldn't be the way I'd been anymore. It had never gotten me anywhere. And it lost me the one thing I had actually started to care about in the last year. I had to be different, and I supposed this was a good way to start.

"He tried to get me back, you know." I didn't say anything. I had had an inkling that he would do just that. "After you broke up with him. He"—she laughed—"He said he loved me and he missed me." She looked at me, but I still didn't know what to say. What could I say? That Hadley was a pathetic dick who only cared about sticking it in wherever he could? I just raised my eyebrows slightly, and she smiled. "I told him to go fuck himself."

I couldn't stop the short burst of laughter that escaped my throat. "I tried that at first," I said. "He's nothing if not persistent."

"I'm not getting back with him," Meg said quickly, her smile fading a bit. "I just… I'm better than that, you know?"

I nodded. I knew exactly what she meant.

I sat back down on the edge of my bed. "I'm sorry, too," I said after a moment. I looked up at her and she looked extremely surprised. I chuckled. "I… Sometimes I take things too far," I said quietly. Then I shook my head a bit. "Hadley just really fucked with my head, yeah?" Meg nodded. "I know I've been different… but… I thought I had to be." I shrugged. "Now I'm not so sure."

She regarded me for a moment. "Does this have to do with this morning?" she asked hesitantly. I nodded.

"Not just that, though," I said. "It's just… everything, I don't know."

"I was always jealous of you, you know," Meg said quietly, looking at her hands and playing with a string in her lap. "You're—I mean, look at you!"

Surely she didn't mean right now. I was quite certain I hadn't looked this bad since the week Hadley and I broke up.

"You're fucking gorgeous," Meg said, gesturing wildly with her hands. "And you're one of the smartest people in our year and—of course—you're good at Quidditch, too, and everybody loves you—"

"Not now," I interrupted.

"Well, that doesn't matter," she said, although she didn't disagree. It would have been pointless to disagree on that point. "You just—you've got this famous family, and a lot of your family is here and it's clear that you all love each other. I—I can't remember the last time I even spoke to one of my cousins—let alone, you know—er—had one of them, I don't know, care so much about me like Albus cares for you." I was silent, so she went on. "When… Rose, this is going to sound awful, but I just have to say it, okay?"

I nodded. "Okay."

"When Hadley… when he told me he wanted me it was like… I don't know, it was like I had accomplished something. It was like… I had… It was like I was the perfect one for once," she muttered quickly. "I thought I had achieved something by taking someone from you, but it—I didn't realize at first that… the only thing I had achieved was not being as good as you. You wouldn't give Hadley what he wanted, and I would. I was more than willing, and I thought I was…" She sighed. "Well, I wasn't. You're still better—"

"I'm not better," I said quickly. "I… I'm not better, Meg." I thought about telling her about my whole plan to trick Hadley into loving me again, but I was already feeling bad about everything I'd done. I didn't need another thing to regret.

"I'm just sorry for everything, Rose, I really am."

I nodded. "Me, too."

After that I felt like there was nothing else to say, but I also felt like this was a turning point—that from now on everything might return back to normal—that everything might return to the time before Hadley. And for the moment that I thought that, the weight that had settled in my chest and in my heart since last night lifted just a bit.

With a sigh, I stood up and turned to go to the bathroom but then I paused. "Thank Ainsley for me, will you?" I said. "For this morning." Meg looked confused. "She went to get Albus after she saw me all… whatever… in the bathroom."

"Oh," she said. Her eyes darted a bit before she looked up at me again. "I went to get him."

"What?"

Meg shrugged. "Ainsley came out saying she was worried about you—that you looked upset—so… I thought you'd want him…"

I felt tears burn in my eyes for the hundredth time in the past 24 hours. It was just so overwhelming—knowing that after all I'd done and said to Meg, that she would still think about me enough to know that when I was upset, the one person I needed was Albus.

"It was strange," she said, interrupting my thoughts. "The stairs didn't slide out from under him when he tried to come up." She looked up at me. "It was like… the castle… knew—or something… I don't know."

"Curious," I said, clearing my throat. Meg smiled weakly, and I returned it. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do or say. Again. I wasn't sure where Meg and I were supposed to go from here, so I just turned and went to the bathroom. I needed a long, hot shower to think things over.

My hand was on the knob before I turned back and said, "Hey, Meg." She looked up. "Thanks."

I hope she understood that my gratitude was for more than just getting Albus for me. It was about much more than that.

Next chapter:

"He hated me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. The look he gave me when he said my name told me all I needed to know. Scorpius hated me."