Impact by Ivycat ©
The blue and black clothed figure still sat beside Jadzia's bed, still holding her hand. Multi colored lights from the scanner lit up the darkened cabin with a festive look that was at odds with the haggard face of the doctor. The series of beeps and chirps from equipment showed the constant scan running in the background, he consulted it frequently. The latest test results had been dissatisfying.
He was paying special attention to her blood chemistry, her condition made it necessary that he watch for severe electrolyte imbalances. Because of her starvation the uptake into the body's cells of much of the blood's electrolyte content could lead to a low level of blood phosphate, which in turn could cause muscle weakness, confusion or delirium, convulsions, and other symptoms, and even lead to death through cardiac failure unless phosphorous supplements were given, either intravenously or orally.
It was an encouraging sign she had woken up for a few moment, he just wished it could have been a little longer so he knew that she grasped she was safe.
He injected the supplements into her line.
She was resting quietly at the moment so rose to his feet and went on to the pilots' seat checking course and speed. They were still surrounded by the anomalies that prevented warp speed. He focused on the view screen as he pushed buttons. The runabout was intended to operate with two crewmen, but could be piloted by one in case of an emergency. That was Starfleet efficiency for you. It had been a very good decision to take all of his extension courses; the piloting class had been very useful on his assignment on Deep Space Nine
Starfleet… Starfleet with its strict non interference policy, the multiple laws that expressly declared it a violation of all tenants and principles to share technology with less advanced species.
He had wholeheartedly believed and upheld the oath he had sworn when he had taken his uniform. Never, ever in his wildest dreams had he thought he would break that oath.
It was not like he was a starship captain that could ever so slightly sidestep the rules, and still remain technically within the law.
No, this was as blatant a violation as it could get. He doubted very much that even Jadzia would approve. No, more than that. She would not approve. It was drilled into them from the first day in training to never violate the Prime Directive.
The one was lesser than the whole, that even the life of a person was of less important than the foundation of the Federation of Planets. He had lived his life since the Academy according to this specific set of rules. He believed in them. It was not his place to disregard them when inconvenient. They were comforting and reassuring. A place of certainty.
And yet, he had when confronted with a hard choice, he had made the wrong one, the one that betrayed his oath, his very life's meaning.
But, what of his other oath, the one he held closer and dearer? The one that actually formed him and made the substance of who he was?
His oath as a doctor to help others, to pursue the good of his patient above all else? What of that?
And in the end he had done what was necessary to save her.
He fully knew the ramifications of his actions, he had struggled with it, but in the end he knew that it would be easier to be drummed out of Starfleet, stripped of rank and sent to a penal facility, than to turn his back on Jadzia and let her die.
Though, in all fairness when he examined himself he knew he would have done the same for Kira, O'Brian or any other of his friends.
It was painful to think of, but it felt as if he had diminished himself as a person in his betrayal, he had always been certain that there was nothing that could ever induce him to betray his Federation training, and had always been angry and offended by those who chose to turn their backs on the Federation, like the Maque.
He had always felt so superior to them, righteous in his condemnation. How dare they betray the Federation?
But now, he found firsthand how easy it was to step over the line, how the line between loyalty to Starfleet and following his conscience could be blurred in an instant. He pushed those thoughts to the back of his head; he had other, more important things to worry about, namely, Jadzia.
His figure slumped slightly, in the muted light of the runabout it seemed as if a subtle hardness had settled over him.
It was a miniscule change, but in that moment Julian's face lost some of its openness and optimism.
Having checked and reset the nav system, he made his way back to Jadzia.
She was still unconscious, her fluids needed to be replaced again; he replicated another bag and hooked it up. Then he gave her a hypo spray of nutrients, and went about applying more salve to her body, and lips. He had infused it with a mild analgesic to minimize the discomfort her healing skin would be feeling; even if she was unconscious pain would still register subconsciously and stress the body further.
As he checked the readout he noticed with cautious relief that the symbiont seemed to be less dehydrated and weak, the isoboromine levels were rising quickly.
As encouraging as this was, he was still worried that Jadzia, the host, seemed to not be improving at all. Her temperature was still dangerously low, her vitals weak and thready, and heartbeat displaying tachycardia.
With a yawn he turned and pulled out a few more medical devices, he was quick and professional in his work, and when done he wrapped her once more in two insulated blankets.
This was it; at this point he had reached the end of what he could do for the state she was in.
She was being hydrated, given nutritional supplements, kept warm, all her skin and wounds were tended to. On the station she would have been put in life support chamber and it would have taken over regulating her heart, doing the work for it so it could rest, supplying air to her lungs. Giving her body the chance it needed to recover, but now, he just had to wait and hope for the best.
He sighed, the sound almost startling, he did not like waiting, and he was not naturally patient either, though he could be, he had an inordinate amount of self-discipline that others never expected –and that he seldom displayed in public.
With another, larger yawn he realized it had been over thirty eight hours with no sleep, increased stamina or not, he had to rest. His fingers moved with precision as he raised the volume on the alarms, loud enough to wake him if there was a deviation with her readings.
He climbed into the upper bunk and settled in, barely having time to pull a blanket over himself before he was asleep.
He woke to a shrill beeping; before even being fully awake he vaulted out of bed and landed heavily on his right ankle, turning it. Pushing the pain aside he rushed to her side, she had become tachycardic again, applying the cardiac stimulator he slumped his shoulders as her heart regained its rhythm and the reassuring beeping started for the moment synchronizing with his heart beat.
He knew there was no chance he would have been able to fall back asleep with all the adrenalin coursing through his system. He checked the chrononometer, he had been asleep for eighty minutes, he stretched and shuffled his way to the replicator favoring his ankle.
" Raktajino, double strong."
He took it and limped his way back to the chair. He pulled out a soft tissue regenerator and treated the sprain, then wrapped it. He picked up his coffee but hesitated.
He set down his coffee and scanned Jadzia once more, it was very concerning to him that she had to be defibrillated twice, it was a clear sign that her body was not responding well to the treatment, it was as he feared, all of the fluids and nutrients were being absorbed by the symbiont, it was acting like a parasite diverting all resources to itself. For a moment he felt a surge of anger towards Dax, though he knew it was not rational response. It was a life form doing what it had been genetically programmed to do, survive.
He downed the raktajino in one gulp, feeling the searing pain of it burning his mouth, helping wake him up further.
Unable to sit still, he paced the small confines of the room pushing the pain from his ankle aside. His movements were quick, agitated, it was evident he was deep in thought. The IV bag was almost depleted when he quickened his pace.
Then, he stopped pacing and went over to the med kit; he pulled out a hypospray and administered it.
It was a shot in the dark, but he was in need of a miracle, and he knew miracles did not happen without old fashioned effort and ingenuity, and, in his case, flashes of genius.
He had injected her with a very slight amount of isoboromine inhibitor, hoping that it would slow the channeling of resource to the symbiont; enough for Jadzia's body to be able to have a chance at absorbing fluids and nutrition.
Now the waiting began again, it seemed hours before he began to see some encouraging sign of it working, there was a tiny improvement; it seemed as if there was more of a pink tone to Jadzia's browned skin. Her heartbeat grew stronger.
He was elated, it was working! It had been a big gamble, but then, he always had excelled at Tongo.
For a moment he had the boyish impulse to jump in the air and punch his fist, he loved the moment where he had solved the unsolvable, saved what was declared terminal, cured the incurable. It was a high that he had loved since medical school, but never before had it felt so rewarding.
He took a firm grip on his emotions and sat down beside her, scanning her again. There was a noticeable improvement of her skin texture. A astounding difference really, considering the short amount of time that had passed.
Julian realized he was smiling widely.
He reached out and took her hand, careful of the IV.
"I knew you could do this Jadzia, I knew you could pull through this. I never doubted you for a moment."
He was filled with giddy happiness as he held her hand, feeling lighter than he had felt since he had been beamed off the runabout.
It was all worth it, ultimately no matter what the ramifications of his treason, it was worth it.
Then, Jadzia's eyes opened and settled on him, he bent over her bed, still smiling. In fact he did not think he could stop smiling if he tried.
"Hey there." He smoothed the hair from her face.
She looked up at him and tried to speak but only painful grunts came out.
"No, shh, Jadzia, don't try and talk right now." He responded to her look of alarm.
"Your throat will be very raw."
But she still persisted in struggling to speak; finally she managed to get a hoarsely whispered sentence out.
"You came."
He bent a little closer.
"Of course I came! I am just so sorry it had to take so long to reach you, so sorry, Jadzia."
She shook her head slightly,
"Were there others?"
"Others?' Julian was bewildered.
"What do you mean?"
"Did you get anyone else out?"
He straightened up slightly, a shadow crossing his face.
"No. No I was only able to get you out. And just in time too. You gave me quite a difficult time of it for a few moments."
Guilt was again seeping into the back of his consciousness. It was typical her first thought had been concern for her fellow inmates, but he had never even considered the possibility of rescuing more than her. He had just assumed he would file a report about them and that was the end.
Though, realistically there would really have been no way he could have taken more prisoners, it cost most his papers to get her out of the camp, that had by far been the most costly of the maneuvers he had orchestrated.
Jadzia looked up at him; it was hard to read what her expression was.
"What is wrong with me?"
"Well, you are malnourished, had quite an infection from all the lacerations on your back, dehydrated of course. Fractured ribs, broken wrist."
She nodded again, it sounded right.
"I treated all the cuts, they are cleaned and healing, knit the fractures and break and now am providing you fluids, so don't worry, you are in good hands, everything is going to be fine."
He looked at her, his brown eyes gentle and comforting.
"I don't want to go back in the morning."
"What?" he was puzzled. "Go where?"
"It's too hot, the fields are too hot and the dust is so thick I cannot breathe. " Her head tossed from side to side on the pillow, her eyes becoming unfocused.
In an instant Julian knew what was happening, extreme confusion and disorientation was a side effect of the starvation.
Lapses in reality were to be expected; he just had to keep reassuring her she was safe and that the ordeal was over.
"No, Jadzia, you are with me on the runabout, I am taking you back to Deep Space Nine. You are off the planet, and trust me, you are not going anywhere in the morning, I won't even let you out of bed!"
He said in his most reassuring bedside voice.
She looked up at him as if seeing him for the first time.
"Julian?" She whispered
"Yes, it is me, Jadzia. You are safe now. You are going to be just fine."
She looked around the small room.
Her eyes haunted and pained, a single tear slid down her face.
"I survived…"
"Of course you did!"
"I never doubted that for a second, "Julian lied easily.
"Now, I need you to drink this for me, this won't be very comfortable, but you are going to have to do it, alright?"
He turned to the replicator and got a small amount of water in it and added a few drops from a vial.
"Now, I am going to put my arm behind you and lift you to make it easier to drink this, okay?"
"Easy now, here we go."
He lifted her with ease and held the glass to her lips, it took some initial coaxing for her to take a small sip, and the pain when she did was so intense she gave a little cry and turned her head away weakly, but he persisted, firmly insisting she take a few more sips. In the end she did as he asked, but not without renewed tears.
Then he laid her back on her pillow,
"Better?"
And to her surprise Jadzia did notice a slight relief from the pain in her throat. She nodded slightly; the movement hurt her head and made the room spin.
"That was a slight numbing agent and antifungal medicine in the water, it will help you feel much better soon now."
"Thank you."
Jadzia surprised herself, her voice was weak and shaky, but she had managed to speak louder than a whisper.
"Don't speak of it." He sat beside her.
"Now, I am going to hold your hand and you are going to close your eyes and get some more sleep." His words were commanding, but his voice light and cheerful.
She looked at him and gave a weary half smile, then with a sigh she closed her eyes and drifted off.
Once he was certain she was asleep he got up and checked the runabout controls, all was normal though there was still no end to the sub space anomalies. There was really nothing more he could do till they cleared the area so he went back to Jadzia.
Two hours later there was the sound of soft snores; Julian was stretched out on his chair clasping Jadzia's hand, their arms bridging the space between them. Both were fast asleep.
Next time she awoke, she felt cold. Turning her head she saw that Julian was asleep by her side. It almost did not seem real, for so long she had dreamed of him finding and saving her that it made the reality of seeing him by her side hard to believe.
She felt so alone and small. So devastatingly alone.
She shifted slightly and grimaced as she felt the tug of her IV line, and something else… With a slight widening of her eyes she realized the source of the other discomfort, a catheter.
It took her a moment to process it, but she knew that there was nothing to be embarrassed at, it was necessary, unavoidable. But still, she decided she would try and ignore the whole thing.
She became aware she was thirsty; she decided to wait till her slumbering companion awoke, but her aching thirst quickly over rode her compassion for Julian.
"Uh, Julian?" She frowned, the voice she heard did not sound like her own.
There was no response and small snores still came from his partial opened mouth.
She shifted in bed again, trying to get comfortable, she disturbed the IV and a sudden shrill beeping broke the sound sleep of Julian.
In a second he was, sitting up, his eyes bloodshot and red rimmed.
"Jadzia, what do you need?"
"Water, please."
"Alright, but only a small amount to start with, we have to break your stomach back into things gradually."
He supported her again as she drank, and all too soon the water was gone.
"Better now?"
"Yes, thank you." Her blue eyes looked up at him, almost pleadingly.
"Great! Now lie still there while I check on your vitals. Nice, everything seems in good order. So, how are you feeling?"
She smiled up at him.
"Happy, tired..." a look of concern crossed her face, then she began to violently throw up the water he had just drank.
Unfazed Julian whipped out a container he had set aside for just that contingency and helped her as she vomited.
"S, Sorry," she panted after it was all over.
"Not to worry, that was to be expected, nothing to be embarrassed about at all. In fact I have seen much worse, did I ever tell you about the time that my roommate in Starfleet first got drunk? We went to this bar, see, and there was a group of Klingons, and don't ask me how, but next thing I know is he is in a drinking game with them…"
He laid her back and used a wet towel on her face still chattering on. She felt tears stinging her eyes again. It frustrated her, she was not a crier, Jadzia Dax took what life handed her and gave back as good as she got. She was stronger than this!
This was almost more of what she remembered feeling before she had been joined. There somehow seemed to be more of Jadzia and less of Dax in her now. It was unsettling. She broke into his story.
"The symbiont, Julian! Is my symbiont okay?"
A slightly guarded look crossed his face.
"Yes, yes, Dax is doing just fine, Jadzia, in fact he is almost in better shape than you are."
"No, Julian, something is wrong, I can feel it! Something is off!"
Her breath came quickly.
"Now, Jadzia, calm down. Everything is fine as I told you. Your body has just been through a tremendously stressful ordeal and it is to be expected that things will feel differently for a while. Okay? I promise I won't let anything happen to either one of you."
Julian inspected her carefully as her breathing slowed, he had been worried there for a second that he would have to give her a sedative to calm her down, but she accepted his reassurance and relaxed.
He had no intention of telling her that he was partly suppressing the isoboromine exchange so that Jadzia could metabolize nutrients herself. Not that it was harming it, he was merely directing more resources to Jadzia instead of letting the symbiont absorb them all.
Exhausted by her bout of vomiting and panic over Dax she felt lethargy washing over her, her eyes closed and she dozed.
She spent the next three hours sleeping and Julian used that time to go pilot the runabout, he could go at a faster speed if he was there to actually guide the shuttle instead of having it run on auto. Soon, he thought he would be far away from the Crina to start sending out a distress signal. He desperately hoped that Sisko had gotten word that they were missing, if so that would make it only a day or so before they reached the station as opposed to a week.
Full of hope he pushed the button that sent out a distress call.
Then he went back to where Jadzia was. She was awake and seemed listless, something was clearly agitating her. But then he dismissed it, it was probably nothing more than the disorientation and lethargy stemming from her suffering over the past week. But still, it could not hurt to keep an eye on her mental well being.
He sat beside her, but she was disinclined to talk. He spent the time reading PADDs and making notes about the past events. He knew it was inevitable that he would be writing lengthy reports on everything that had happened since they had left the station.
Every time he looked up from his PADD Jadzia was still laying on her back, blankets clutched to her chest staring at the top of the bunk. She looked, scared, vulnerable. Most certainly not his old friend's usual attitude.
"You doing alright there, Jadzia?"
"Yes."
Her voice was small, wavering. Not reassuring at all.
Julian studied her unconvinced; he picked up his scanner and ran it over her. Studying the read out closely. Everything was good, Jadzia was getting the needed liquid, and the symbiont was not showing any sign of distress. Over all it was a good picture, except that Jadzia was withdrawn and quiet.
"Okay, well, if you want to talk about anything you know where to find me."
He smiled.
Jadzia remained silent and remote.
How could she explain to him the internal struggle she was having? He was not a Trill and would have no way of understanding.
Her every thought was supposed to be centered on the well being of the symbiont, to protect its life at all cost, and she had given up.
There in the labor camp she had wanted to die, longed for the release of it.
She had ignored the claims Dax had on her and willed herself to let go, die.
It was unnatural, horrible. For a Trill it was incomprehensible.
And it was proof that Curzon had been right, she was not fit to be joined, he had seen through her and known all along that she was not strong enough to handle the life-long commitment.
A suppressed sob rose up in her throat. Self loathing began to tinge her thoughts and guilt latched on to her.
If this were ever to be known she would become to be regarded as unnatural, unstable. She would forever have to deal with sidelong looks and know that despite the demeanor of who she was talking to, it would be there in the front of their mind. She had given up, stopped fighting to survive for the symbiont. She was a strange creature, not worthy of the being inside of her.
She would become an object of revulsion.
An example to be used in the Initiate programs psychology classes of a failed joining.
When they found out about her capture they would probably insist she come back to the Symbiosis Commission to undergo a thorough evaluation. They would need to ascertain Dax was well, and would no doubt she would have to go through rigorous debriefing. That's when it would happen. She would slip. They would begin to suspect something and finally know the truth.
They would be appalled. There would be more and more tests and screenings.
She might very well be deemed incompatible and have Dax removed and placed into a more stable Trill.
She scrabbled in her mind to be able to come up with a justification, a solid reason she could give for giving up, for abdicating her responsibility, but there was none.
The overwhelming pain, the despair, the desperate desire to just stop hurting…
Nothing could excuse her.
One could not ask for forgiveness for the unforgivable
In wishing herself to die she had created for herself a death sentence.
She did not think she could do it. She could not face another crisis; she surely had not gone through so much only to be separated on Trill. Had she?
Self loathing was filling her.
She was shaking with cold and shock now. Her mouth felt dryer than ever, though she did not dare ask for more water.
Panic washed over her in waves.
"Oh, God, I hurt." She thought.
Suddenly the pain and emotion were overwhelming. She let out a forlorn choking cry, like that of a frightened child on finding itself alone in a strange place.
Julian was bending over her, his eyes concerned, he ran the scanner over her, other than clear signs of anxiety he could not see anything wrong.
"Jadzia?"
"Cold, so cold." She managed to whimper out.
"Shhh, I will take care of it, I will have you warm in no time."
He increased the temperature setting on the thermal blanket and added yet another on top of her.
"What is it Jadzia? Talk to me."
He looked at her, pained for the distress she was in, his desire to help plain to see in his eyes.
She struggled with the idea of telling him, but in the end knew she could not. He might be ethically bound to reveal what she had gone through to the Commission and how she had given up on her symbiont.
She shook her head. She could not risk it.
He looked momentarily disappointed, and then cupped the side of her face with his hand as he quickly applied a hypospray. Almost immediately she began to feel drowsy. He had sedated her. Her pulse slowed and her breathing evened out. His hand stayed on her cheek till her eyes fluttered shut.
NO! What if she let something out involuntarily while under its influence? She had to fight! Her eyes flew open at the thought.
The tears came again and she was afraid, so very afraid.
"No! You can't. Please Julian, I can't fall asleep. Julian… please!" She begged. She was more frightened than she could ever remember feeling. Her hands scrabbled on the top of the covers as if she was trying to pull off the blankets and escape.
His eyes were focused, clinical as he tried to reassure her. He thought she was disoriented again she realized; he was not going to believe there was a real and immediate need for her not to fall asleep.
"Hey, Jadzia, there is nothing to be afraid of, it is just a mild sedative to help you relax." He said, trying to reassuring her, startled at her reaction.
"You are going to be fine. I am right here and you are safe. I won't let you go"
He was perplexed; this outburst was so unlike the Jadzia he knew.
This pitiful scared child-like woman in front of him was not Jadzia, or was it? Was this the real Jadzia, the un-joined one?
The vulnerability, the fear, it was all coming into place now. In suppressing her isoboromine he had interrupted the balance between host and symbiont.
But then she had been through more than any person should, the emotional strain was bound to affect her. No, this was not only the shock of her ordeal, this was her dealing with loosing part of herself, the part of herself that grounded her and gave her confidence.
The only thing he could do was support her and make her feel safe, the rest was up to time, but then time could do so much, or nothing at all in some cases. He hoped it was not the latter.
Maybe she was closer to understanding his own dilemma than he had at first thought. both had just lost their foundation and were struggling to regain themselves because of it. Of course Jadzia could have a quick hypospray and return to normal. His was a lasting and deep seismic shift of his life. Without his beliefs he felt like he was losing himself, it was also pride, he had to admit he was not the paragon he had always strove to be. But if he lost that, if he lost his moral certainty where would that leave him? What was he to do from here on out? He sighed.
He had knew the consequences when he had started out to rescue her, he had determined that all else was inconsequential, his duty was to get her out, then accept whatever was decided to be a fitting punishment.
He took her cold his hand into his warm one as he murmured reassurances. But they could not penetrate her fear. And they did nothing to assuage his.
Alone and empty, Jadzia fell into darkness.