He walked into sickbay as quickly as possible, he found Jadzia awake and alert.

"Jadzia! So good to see you awake!"

The smile came quickly, naturally to him at seeing his friend.

"Julian!"

She looked slightly better since he had last seen her. Her spots were beginning to reappear and the skin was healthier looking.

"How do you feel?"

"Well, much better than last time you asked me that." A smile quirked her lips.

Julian laughed.

"Well, I must say you look better."

"Well, I did have the Federation's best doctor taking care of me." She teased.

"Oh, well, you did at that." He responded, deadpanning.

He looked over her information on the PADD he was handed by the Bajoran nurse who was on duty at the time.

"Well, looks good here, due to my miraculous healing powers you should be up and about in about a week, just in time for your trip to Trill, seems that they want both of us to go by for a visit, They must want to interview us about what happened. I must say this; the Trillian government certainly likes to take care of their hosts!"

There was a strident beeping causing him to look up over his PADD.

"Jadzia?" He asked, alarmed.

Suddenly the panel of lights on the biobed lit up and alarms filled the room.

Jadzia was gasping and straining against the forcefield that surrounded the biobed.

Julian leaned forward his medical training taking over as he attempted to keep her from hurting herself by fighting the forcefield.

"Jadzia! Stop!" He put his hands on her shoulders restraining her, but it was futile, she continued to thrash under his hands.

"I need a nurse in here!" He bellowed over his shoulder.

Jadzia still strained and fought her face pale and startling in contrast to her dark hair. Sweat beaded up on her forehead and added a sickly shine to her face.

"Stop it, Jadzia. Can you hear me? You have to stop!"

There was no sign of her having heard him and attempting to calm down. Her eyes were wild and frantic.

"Lieutenant! Stand down!"

Julian sharply snapped the order hoping to break through to her, just as a nurse quickly stepped up beside the bed and pressed a hypospray to her neck struggling to keep contact as Jadzia fought invisible demons, but still the struggles continued as Jadzia thrashed against the restraints. Julian and the nurse fought in unison to keep her still.

"Why isn't the sedative working? Didn't you give her enough?"

Julian shouted at the nurse impatiently.

"I gave her the proper dose, Doctor Bashir. I don't know what is happening."

"This is not right; with her isoboromine levels suppressed she should be more susceptible to sedation. Not less! What is going on here?"

"Try another five ccs."

There was another hiss from the hypospray and after about five seconds of continued struggles Jadzia slowly began to be affected, her movements became less coordinated and weaker. Then she stilled into limpness and as Julian was still bending over her, his hands still on her shoulders he saw the look of raw fear in her darting eyes before the lids fluttered shut.

He stepped back breathing heavily, slightly winded from restrain her, what could have caused all the panic? She surly could not be dreading visiting Trill, or could she?

She had started fighting as soon as he mentioned leaving for Trill.
Of course! He should have thought of it sooner. Of course she would not be ready to go out in a shuttle after everything that had happened.

Classic post traumatic stress. Of course, he should have thought that she might not be ready for another shuttle trip. Stupid, that's what it was, sheer stupidity on his part not to have thought of it from her perspective.

It was evident she still needed time to deal with everything that had happened. This was an easy thing to deal with, however.

With a steady stride he walked into his office where he made a call to Trill.

The rest of the day he spent following up on reports and filing data, occasionally glancing over at Jadzia who had been kept sedated after her outburst, in her struggles her this skin had been injured and had to be regenerated again, there was talk of having to use grafts if her skin was injured again.

He treated a few patients of minor complaints. One of Morn's stomachs was bothering him again. Molly had fallen and sprained her wrist. A Bajoran discovered he was prone to violently getting space sick on his first off world trip; in fact, he had taken more reassuring than Molly had.

Much later he looked up and saw the time. It was late and he was tired, and hungry.

He sat back in his chair and sighed, his shift was almost over, and his work was completed for the day. He entered in some parameters for a virus he had been working on and had the computer working on it as he sat lost in thought staring blankly at the screen.

He still felt like any moment he might be summoned to the commander's office and dismissed. It was unbelievable to him that Sisko had treated the situation as he did. It had been a very clear violation of Federation policy, and yet, Sisko chose to overlook it, had even been spinning the report to Starfleet to cover what he had done? He sunk into thought.

But why? I had broken the law, deserved to be punished. I know that. Some part of me almost wanted to be punished. To be held responsible. It would give me the reassurance that all was right in this world, and that the well ordered lines I always thought the Federation went by were still in effect.

And, yet, my own commanding officer is refusing to press charges.

And in doing that Sisko is in spirit of the law, transgressing as well.

But why is Sisko doing it for me? Did this happen often?

This was a seismic shift in thinking for Julian.

What if not every officer in the Federation operated by such black and white rules as I did/ do? Could there be an ever shifting grey area that existed in Federation circles, where certain thing were not done according what was clearly the law, but what was most efficient for the situation? But that could not be true, for in such a structure there would anarchy; the possibility for abuse was staggering.

His head began to hurt. This was a lot of disillusionment to be faced with in one week. First that he was only too capable to throw everything away on a moment's decision. That his long held beliefs might not be as solid as he had assumed them to be. And, further that others might have the same thing happen, decisions that had to be made that flew into the face of the law, but were for the greater good. Were what was RIGHT.

How did he respond to this? Now every time he saw a superior officer instead of seeing successful paragons of the Federation he would be looking at the officials and wondering what rules they had bent or broken how much they operated in the newly discovered grey area.

Naïve, yes, Garak had been right when he called him that. As much as he had resented it at the time, he had been naive. And still was, he was beginning to suspect that there were many things that he took at face value that might be more… So much more.

He started as Dr. Girani entered; he gave her a quick smile as he rose to his feet. He was beginning to feel fatigue pulling at him. He was looking forward to a full night's sleep, his first in many days.

He left for his quarters, he thought for a moment about going to Quark's and meeting up with Miles, but then decided that sleep was more important.

His quarters were dark with the grayness of the industrial Cardassian design; He really needed to see about doing something to liven up this room he had been in for over a year. They grey blue tint to everything was all so very, muted.

Quickly he changed into pajamas and slid into bed. It felt so relaxing to be able to sink into bed and let his muscles relax. He was asleep almost instantly.

The next morning he woke with the pleasant remembrance that he was off duty all day. He had a leisurely cup of Tarkelian tea and read about news he had missed while away. It was a relaxing morning, but after that was done he started to want to be out among people.

Getting dressed he went down to the infirmary to visit Jadzia.

She was still slightly sedated but gave him a small sleepy smile when he walked in.

"Sorry I lost control of myself last night, I am not sure what got into me."

She said beating him to his greeting.

"No worries, Jadzia, I made a call to the Symbiosis Commission and they agreed that there was no real need for you to go to Trill after all you have been though."

Her eyes widened in relief and a tear gathered at the corner of her eye.

"Thank you." she whispered.

"No problem, just part of the excellent customer service we provide here at DS9."

"I see you already have had some visitors." He indicated the profusion of flowers and trinkets on display near her bed; a picture of a very lopsided tree signed by Molly was in the forefront.

"Yes, everyone has been very kind."

She looked up at him hesitantly, he recognized the look and immediately tried to go to alert, he never knew if she was consciously aware of it or not, but when she wanted to ask a favor of him her blue eyes took on a pleading quality that melted all his reason and had him acquiescing to whatever she asked. It almost invariably ended with him kicking himself for falling for her pleas once again and telling himself that 'next time' he would retain his sanity and say "No".

"Julian?"

"Oh God. Be strong. Don't think of how helpless her large blue eyes look, how vulnerable she must feel. No. Don't look at her directly. That's it! No eye contact."

He half turned and consulted a PADD.

"Hmm?"

He tried not to think of how rude and impersonal he was being. He would have had a fit if he had seen any nurse of doctor under him treating a patent in this manner when they were asking something.

"When can I go to my quarters? It is so exposed in here, I can hear all the noises off of the promenade, and some people stare in at me as they walk by, there is no privacy here. I am just so exposed and I cannot get away from it. I want peace and quiet."

He hesitated, considering her request then he looked down at her and made eye contact. She was not the first patient to express discomfort with the lack of privacy. This place had not exactly been designed for the comfort of the patients, but rather with the idea of treating them as quickly as possible then releasing them. Cardassian efficiency and cold-bloodedness at its best.

He had often thought that he could speed up recovery times if he had access to more private rooms to treat them in. It was a very reasonable request, one that would be in her best interest to comply with.

"It is not advisable at the present, but when your condition improves more we can see what can be arranged, I can have a room further back in the infirmary fitted to suit and we can see about moving you there in a few hours, what do you think of that?"

Jadzia nodded slowly, the conversation having exhausted her meager reserve of strength.

"Thank you."

Julian's eyes met hand held her blue ones.

"You are most welcome. Now, you get some rest while I put in a call for engineering to help retrofit the room."

He went to the comm. Panel and put in the request only to be told it would be days before it could be attended to as it was not a Priority One or Two. He sighed. Well, he now knew what he was going to be doing on his day off.

He sat at the bar at Quark's waving off the waiter. His business was with Quark today.

Soon enough the proprietor bustled up to him. "Well, what's it going to be Doctor? A holosuite program? A drink? You know the rules; either buy something or leave and make room for a paying customer."

"I actually need neither, Quark. I have a proposition for you, one which it will profit you to listen to."

"I am listening…" Quark looked at the doctor suspiciously, this was very uncharacteristic of him, but he had use the word 'Profit' and no decent Feringi could turn away from a conversation with that word in it.

"Well, you know the shipment of Scertian bud tea that has to pass a bio check before it can be released?"

"Of course I know about it! It has been sitting in your Federation cargo bay for a month while my profits go down, all because you are worried about it carrying an obscure virus." Quark retorted in an injured fashion.

"Well, what if I could ah, expedite its clearance?"

"I would say I am interested and what will it cost me?"

"I need to borrow Nog for the day…"

"NOG? Certainly, take him he is yours! Is that all?"

Julian's faced showed exasperation at being interrupted.

"As I was SAYING, I would like Nog to help me with a project today, if he is not otherwise occupied."

"Him? No! What could a boy like him be occupied with that cannot be put off? He is yours! What else?"

"Additionally, I wish him to be paid four slips of latinum."

"Hmm, that sounds very reasonable…"

"Paid by you, for his help in getting the shipment released."

"WHAT? Now wait, that is unreasonable, what could he do for me that is worth that. No, out of the question."

"Have it your way."

Bashir turned to leave the bar.

Quark waved his hands in the air in surrender.

"Wait! How soon could I have the tea?"

"I say tomorrow morning sounds reasonable."

Quark looked pained, his desire to have the shipment warring with his avarice.

"Three slips." His eyes narrowed as they always did in negotiations.

"Done." Bashir turned.

"And you give it to him right now, in front of me, IF he agrees to help me in the infirmary. And I will be the one to ask, just so there is no misunderstanding that it is compulsory."

Quark threw up his hands in the air.

"Fine."

He turned to one of the waiters and told him to bring Nog to the bar.

"Doctor, has anyone ever told you would make a decent Feringi?"

"No, Thank God, they have not." Julian said in a flat voice.

"Don't be so hasty to judge, Doctor, that was a complement."

A very confused Nog appeared and after listening to Bashir's proposal agreed eagerly. Any chance to earn latinum was one he was going to take advantage of. His delight was furthered by the fact that his pained Uncle gave him the money on the spot.

He ran to his quarters to stash it and agreed to meet Bashir in the infirmary.

Once there he spent the day clearing out a back room of items and bringing in various pieces of equipment. He was a hard worker, and Bashir was surprised with the dedication he tackled the task with.

It took hours, but at last the job was done and after getting a pat on the back he was given the clearance form for the shipment, not noticing it had been cleared a week ago by O'Brian. But Quark would notice when he received it.

(Ever after there was a touch more grudging respect in Quark's dealings with Bashir.)

That evening Jadzia was moved to her new, more private room. She smiled in delight, warming Julian's heart.

That evening was the most restful one she had experienced since being captured.

Julian slept well from his exertion in clearing the back room out. Tomorrow he was on duty again and he knew it would be a full day.

The next morning he walked into the infirmary with his customary cheer. He was beginning to feel more himself after his ordeal. It felt good to be back to normal.

He consulted the nights reports, nothing extraordinary had happened. It appeared that Jadzia was doing so well he would stop suppressing her isoboromine in the next two days.

He tapped the PADD against his palm, deep in thought, and then a voice behind him spoke.

"Are you Dr. Bashir?"

"I am."

His eyes took in the speaker's appearance, he gave a professional smile.

"You must be from the Symbiosis Commission. Welcome to Deep Space Nine. I have been expecting you. Would you like to see Jad- er, Lieutenant Dax first or review all of the medical files on her?"

The dignified Trill inclined his head of silver hair.

"I should prefer to start with her medical records if it is the same to you. Here is her pre-signed authorization form that allows access to all of her files."

He took note of the surprised look on Bashir's face.

"All joined Trill must sign them, it helps expedite transfer of the host if there is an emergency."

"I see." Julian said, but it was clear from his expression that it was distasteful to him.

The Trill spent over three hours reviewing files and asking Julian questions, Julian was beginning to lose patience when the Trill started following him around asking for clarification of some obscure point or another as he was treating patients.

"Look here, I am sure that it is different on Trill but here we take our patients privacy with the utmost respect, I can't just have you… hovering… as I treat them. I will be more than happy to answer any questions you have, just not when I am treating other patients. Is that clear?"

The older Trill looked surprised but acquiesced immediately.

"Of course, my apologies Doctor. It won't happen again."

"Would you like to see Jadzia now?"

"No, actually, I have all the information I need here; I do not see where it will be necessary to interview her unless something untoward comes up."

"I have to be on the shuttle to Trillian in less than an hour. You will continue to send us daily updates on her till she is released?"

"Of course."

"Then I bid you farewell."

With that the Trill turned on his heel and walked out, leaving Julian looking surprised.

The Trill were odd creatures, no doubt about that.

Shaking his head he went in to check on Jadzia, who he had not seen all day.

He found her sitting up looking pale and nervous.

"The nurse said the official from the Commission was here?"

Jadzia seemed almost frightened.

"Yes, yes he was, but he left already. Had to catch the shuttle back. Sorry he could not take time to say hello."

Julian's tone made it clear how he felt about the breach of manners, but to his surprise, Jadzia almost seemed, relieved, that he had left. The time she had spent as a student must have really been an ordeal for her; there was not much that could make her afraid. She was one of the strongest people he knew.

"Well, his loss I suppose."

She tried to look as if it did not affect her when in reality she was feeling the release of her fears that had gripped her for days, all the dread and worry that came to nothing. She had an unaccountable urge to cry. To reach out and hug Julian. To give a Klingon victories yell.

"Julian." He tone grew serious.

He looked at her with one eyebrow raised. She seemed to be coping pretty well with the treatment she was on, maybe tomorrow… She broke into his thoughts.

"I wanted to thank you, for rescuing me, for saving me. I want you to know how grateful I am." Her voice caught and rasped for a moment.

He took her hand. It was still bony, but it had filled out remarkably since he had last seen her. It was amazing what hydration could do for a living organism.

"Jadzia, you have nothing to thank me for. Nothing at all."

There was a silence that seemed strained. Suddenly the silence felt heavy with things unsaid.

She looked down, twisting her bony hands; her fingers looked like twigs that could snap under too much pressure.

"The nurses and Dr. Girani say I am well enough to go out in a hover chair."

He smiled; it was always a positive sign when his patients became restless.

"Ah, well then, by all means, I believe we should go to Quark's this evening."

"You will be the star of the evening, looking at all the flowers and drinks Quark has sent I would say it is a good bet he has missed you too."

He indicated the overflowing table of flower, fruits, chocolates and exotic drinks all bearing an ostentatious tag denoting the giver as Quark.

"I would like that." The way she said it was almost, shy.

Since when had Jadzia been shy? He took a moment to process her new mien.

"That sounds like a plan then!" He shrugged off his puzzlement.

"Well, I should get going before I tire you out before tonight. We can't have that now, can we?"

He paused.

"Miles and Kieko are holding a memorial in Quarks Bar for the officer that was killed when the plasma conduit blew in that shuttle that was docking on pylon two. Seems they both knew him on the Enterprise when they served there."

A Klingon by the name of Worf. In fact Miles says he was the one who delivered Molly."

"Oh, that's so sad. I should send them some flowers. I had not heard anything about it. " She said, looking nervous.

He turned to go.

"Wait, Julian."

He turned back towards her.

"I want to tell you…."

She hesitated and bit her lip.

"I just wanted to ask if, you, I mean, if you want to, we could go to a holosuite program together. There is this lovely one I like that is of the Japanese gardens on Earth. Keiko introduced it to me. When I am well, that is."

Julian looked surprised.

Stunned.

Then delighted.

"I would love that."

"And, Julian. I want you to know, this is not just gratitude. I have feelings for you, Julian, I almost always have. And I did not treat you worthily. I am sorry for that. But, if you will forgive me and give me another chance, I would like to see where we could go."

Julian hesitated. This was one of the few times when he was rendered well and truly speechless.

Then it hit him like a kick in the gut. She was offering him everything he had wanted.

And he had to refuse.

A tight squeezing knot formed in his stomach.

This was not Jadzia; not really, this was just a side effect of her lowered isobomine levels. He had to treat her kindly, but always be the gentleman and not pursue her offer and take advantage of her when she was vulnerable.

She would soon have the inhibitor treatments stopped altogether and then would become her old self. This would become a memory, and it was up to him to see it was not an awkward one.

He took her hand in his. His was trembling.

"I am glad you are feeling better."

She looked slightly hurt at his formality.

"I am flattered by your invitation, but I think it would be best if things remained the same while you are recovering. That way you can be sure that you will not regret anything later."

He gave her a strained smile and turned and walked out of the room. She did not see his face quivering in pain as he hurried to his office to compose himself.

At first Jadzia was hurt, and then she began to see it from his point of view. Of course he would never take advantage of someone under his care, which is exactly what he would think he was doing, not knowing that her feeling was real. Not a transient emotion brought on by gratitude. But that was fine, she was Dax, and one thing Dax had learned was patience. She smiled serenely up at the ceiling.

Three weeks later

Julian stirred his drink listening as the noise rose to a deafening level. This was a welcome back party for Jadzia, though she had officially been on duty for a week. Quark's was packed out, the decibel level exceeding Quark's wildest hopes.

Jadzia was popular and it seemed almost as if the entire space station was trying to fit in the bar and be part of the celebration.

Jadzia was back to normal, she had been released over two weeks ago from the infirmary, and in that time she had seemed to forget her outburst to Julian. She had been off the suppressants for the whole time. And never since had she alluded to her outburst.

It made it easier to keep up his professional, friendly demeanor around her, though his heart ached so much that at times he avoided contact with her if at all possible. This would not last forever though, he reasoned, soon he would be able to be around her with as much ease as he ever had. Without feeling like he was being taunted by the emotions that flooded him when he saw her.

He took a deep breath. It was suffocating with all the noise; he swiveled off of his stool and walked out of Quark's. Not really sure where he was heading he found himself by a viewport staring out at the vast field of stars that twinkled and glinted in the icy air.

He always felt so small and alone when confronted with the view of the galaxy, spread out, vast, cold, infinite…

Another burst of raucous laughter from Quark's echoed around the promenade. The lights dimmed as the station went on night mode. Shadows grew larger and deeper. It almost seemed as if some of the darkness from the outside was beginning to seep into the station. He sighed. His tall silhouette was outlined by stars as he stood there alone.

Julian gave a jump as a cold hand slid into his, and a figure joined him by the window.

It was Jadzia; he had not even heard her approaching.

"Jadzia! What…"

"I was lonely."

"In there?" Another loud burst of laughter punctuated his statement.

She gave a serene smile and nodded, her hand still gripping his.

His heart sped up; he looked down at her, uncertain of what he would see.

"Jadzia…"

"SHHH. Julian."

Time froze for a second around him, and then it shattered into motion as the realization of what was happening sank in.

There were no guarantees in life, there never were, all he could do was take each day with Jadzia as it came and treat it as a gift. But, he vowed, if it did not work out it would not be for lack of effort on his part.

She stepped closer to him and leaned her head on his shoulder as she gazed out into the space he had been so recently musing about.

A smile broke across Julian's face as he rested his cheek on her hair.

The cold starlight that came in now illuminated two figures standing together, but they were so close their shadows blended into one in the dim light.

FINIS. Thank you for your time reading this. I sincerly hope you enjoyed this little adventure! All reviews/ criticism welcome.

Ivycat