On Saturday, Deacon was determined not to let his anger of the night before spoil the day with Maddie. He really thought that he'd put aside the bitterness, but he had realized, when she'd asked him if he was still mad at Rayna, that it was still there. He had worked through a good bit of it and he did understand why she'd made the decisions she had; he had not lied about that. But spending time with Maddie now reminded him of all the experiences he'd missed with her over the course of her life. He hadn't gotten the chance to hold her when she was born or sit up with her when she was sick or watch her go off to school on her first day. She'd gotten contacts without him knowing and he had never seen one of her report cards or gotten to take her to a father/daughter dance, if they even still had those things. He glared at the coffee pot as he waited for it to finish because he had no one to glare at. It was moments like these that he wanted to grab Rayna and shake her until she told him she was sorry, that she took responsibility too.
He heard footsteps on the stairs and took a deep breath to settle his emotions, knowing it was his daughter. She came around the corner into the kitchen and he turned to see her, smiling at him happily. "Hey, Dad," she said. "I smelled something good."
He smiled back at her and pointed towards a box on the counter. "I went out and got cinnamon rolls and donuts. I figure everyone likes those." He looked at her cautiously. "I hope you do too."
She nodded. "I love cinnamon rolls. Every time I stay with Aunt Tandy, she has cinnamon rolls." She laughed. "Mainly because she doesn't cook. She even tried to make the ones you get in a can and she messed those up. So now she just buys them." She took a seat at the counter and pulled the box over and opened the lid. Her eyes widened as she looked at the large pastries. "Oh, wow, these look great!" She looked up at him. "Can you heat one up for me?"
Deacon nodded and smiled. "I can do that," he said. He got a plate and let her pick one to put on it. She waited while he heated it in the microwave and then brought it back to her, along with a fork. "I hope it's not too hot."
She cut a piece and brought it up to her mouth, blowing on it for a second and then popped it in her mouth. As she chewed, she closed her eyes and smiled. When she swallowed, she looked at him. "Perfect!" she pronounced.
Deacon smiled. "Anything to drink?"
"Just water."
Deacon pulled a bottled water out of the fridge and handed it to her. "So, I need to run to the guitar store this morning. Any interest in tagging along?"
Maddie's face lit up. "Yes!" she cried excitedly, around a mouthful of pastry.
Deacon winked at her. "Didn't anyone tell you not to talk with your mouth full?" Maddie gave him a teasing look and he laughed. "I thought you might like to look around. Maybe for your next guitar." Maddie nodded, her eyes dancing happily. Deacon felt better now. He thought about how anxious he'd been when he'd first started spending time with her after he'd found out she was his daughter. He'd felt silly about it because, of course, he'd known her her whole life. But their relationship was so different now and he felt more comfortable with her every time he was with her. "We'll go whenever you're ready," he said.
Maddie was beyond excited. She'd never been in a guitar store before and the thought of being able to look at hundreds of guitars and maybe get to hold one or two was thrilling. She, of course, loved the guitar that her mom had given her, the one that had belonged to her grandmother Wyatt, but she knew that soon enough she'd need something more sophisticated. She really wanted an electric guitar, but it would probably have to wait until she could earn the money herself. She was just happy that Deacon understood her love of music and her desire to pursue it.
Rayna sat at the kitchen counter, finishing her cup of coffee. She had sent Luke off to his farm, telling him she had some things to do in town today and would see him that night. The last couple of days had been a little unsettling and she felt that she needed some time to herself. She had finalized the press release with her team, but she was sitting on it for now. There didn't seem to be a compelling reason to do something with it, other than Maddie's nagging, and that didn't feel like enough of a reason. She had spent some time with Scarlett the night before at the studio finalizing her set list and going over recording details with Avery while they were out on the road with Juliette. She'd kept busy so that she didn't have to stop and think much about her personal situation, but something inside kept telling her she needed to deal with it. So she had decided that this crisp, sunny early April Saturday was the day to do that.
She got up and poured another cup of coffee and then wandered into the den and stood in front of the window, not really seeing anything outside. She felt anxious and apprehensive. She felt exposed here at the house, like someone could walk in and break the mood. She needed to get out. She set down the mug and went back to her bedroom. She found a warm suede jacket and wrapped a scarf around her neck. She picked up her purse and went out to her car. She headed for 440, then merged onto 40. As she passed downtown Nashville, she veered off to the left on highway 65 north. She knew Deacon wouldn't be at the cabin with Maddie because he'd told her he wouldn't take her there, so it was a safe place to go. Besides, since it was where everything had all began, it felt like the place she needed to be to sort through the complicated mess she found herself in now.
As she drove out of Nashville, she thought about the last time she'd driven this way. She had been with Tandy, who had gone with her to prevent her from "making any mistakes", as she'd put it. Rayna had just found out she was pregnant. She knew the baby was Deacon's. Coleman had called her to tell her Deacon had left rehab early and that he didn't know where Deacon had gone. She and Tandy had gone to the house, but there was no sign of him and the house was locked up tight. She had peered in the window, but there was no indication that he'd been there at all. The only other place she could think of was the cabin and Tandy had reluctantly driven her up there.
She had felt a huge sense of relief when they arrived and Deacon's truck was there. But as they had walked up on the porch, they could hear the sound of breaking glass. When she had caught sight of him through the window, she could see that he was drinking, straight from the bottle. Her heart sank. He'd been so angry at her, first for breaking up with him, then for sending him back to rehab, and then not seeing him before he left. He had told Coleman that it would be a waste of time for him to go and apparently he was going to prove himself right. Right then. She had wanted to tell him about the baby, hoping that would turn things around, but seeing him like that, and Tandy begging her not to subject herself and her baby to this mess, had convinced her, reluctantly, to leave.
She had cried all the way back to Nashville and cried every day until well after Maddie was born. She had married Teddy, she had watched her stomach swell as Deacon's baby grew inside her, she had given birth to her little girl who looked so much like her father. She had cried every day as she mourned what could have been, what should have been. She'd cried about the deal she'd made to protect her daughter, but in reality was meant to hide her away from her real father, for fear that he couldn't be who they needed him to be. And after she finally stopped crying, she had stoically gone on telling herself that Teddy was Maddie's father and that she had made the right choice for her daughter. And she had watched Deacon finally get sober after five times in rehab and she'd wondered so often if she'd made a mistake. She had wondered that every day until the day Maddie had shown up on his doorstep and started all of this. She had stopped wondering when she had found him, finally, at The Bluebird, drunk, as she had feared, and had made the fateful decision to get in the truck with him. She had stopped wondering when she woke up in the hospital after over two weeks in a coma and realized that she could have died, because he had responded exactly the way she had always thought he would had she ever told him about their daughter.
She stopped thinking and concentrated on the road, on her driving. She was well out of Nashville now, past the far out suburbs, into the countryside, almost to where she would turn off to get to the cabin. In the days when she and Deacon used to come to here, this was the point at which she always felt like she could shut off the rest of the world. She would feel enveloped in a little cocoon of privacy and peace. It was exactly what she needed now.
She exited the highway. It had been nearly fifteen years since the last time she'd made this drive, but she remembered it as though she'd done it yesterday. She drove another thirty minutes until she got to the old dirt and gravel road that led to the cabin, out on the lake, secluded from civilization. She thought about when Deacon brought her here the very first time. She was twenty-one years old. He was twenty-four and six weeks out of his first stint in rehab. The time that was supposed to be the only time he went, because that was going to fix things. Of course, it didn't, but on that day everything was golden. He shouldn't have bought it, of course, because they always told you not to make big decisions right after rehab, but it was her dream house. The house she'd always told him she wanted. On the lake, lots of windows, a deep porch, and far away from Nashville and the music business. She'd been enchanted and so happy that day. The last time she'd been that happy here had been the last night she'd spent here.
Deacon told Maddie that he'd been friends with George Gruhn for a long time. "I've bought a lot of my guitars from George. He has the best vintage guitars in Nashville and probably most anywhere. When I was gonna sell my guitars, he's who I brought 'em to."
Maddie looked at him. "But you didn't sell them, right?"
"Well, some of them sold. You know, I didn't think I'd ever play again, but I did get talked out of selling them all."
"Someday I'd like to get an electric guitar."
Deacon frowned. "But you have that nice guitar that belonged to your grandmother."
Maddie shrugged. "Yeah, but someday I need an electric. Right?"
"You don't have to. Lots of performers still use acoustic guitars."
"Well, I want to have my own collection one day. Like you do." She smiled at him.
Deacon laughed. "A girl after my heart," he said with a wink.
When they got to the store, George came out of the back. "Deacon!" he called out.
"Hey, George," Deacon responded, reaching out to shake hands. He turned towards Maddie. "George, this is my…daughter, Maddie." He knew George was the soul of discretion. He also knew it would please Maddie.
George raised one eyebrow and nodded at a beaming Maddie. "Welcome to Gruhn's, young lady. Are you as much of guitar lover as your daddy?"
Maddie nodded. "I am. I just have an acoustic guitar now, but someday I want to have my own electric guitar."
George smiled. "Well, this is a good place to get one." He turned back to Deacon. "I have that Gibson in the back. Let me bring it out." He turned and left Deacon and Maddie in the showroom.
Maddie walked over to a Gibson ES-5 model and appreciatively ran her fingers over the strings. Deacon watched her and smiled to himself. She had picked out a nice one to look at. Too much for her right now, but he tucked it in the back of his mind for some time in the future. When George brought out the Gibson ES-175 that he'd asked for, he let Maddie try it out. She had such a look of awe and joy on her face as she played a few notes that he felt his heart nearly burst.
Then he felt something like a twist of a knife as he thought about all the time he'd missed doing this with her. She definitely shared his love of music and his skill on the guitar, although he thought she had greater potential than he had had. It made him angry again to think that she had just come into his life as his daughter. Maybe he'd known her all her life, but it wasn't the same. He didn't want her to see that frustration though. He wanted to make the best of the time they did have now and build on that.
On the road back home, Maddie quizzed Deacon about guitars and he gave her his recommendations and told stories about his collection. "So how many guitars do you have now?" she asked.
Deacon thought about that. "Fifteen or so, I guess." He gestured towards the one in the back of the truck. "That one would make sixteen then."
"How many did you sell?"
"At least that many. Most of the ones I have left, though, were my favorites."
"Do you play them all?"
Deacon smiled. "No, I don't. Some of them are just for show. I always liked to collect really quality vintage stuff, although those were the ones that went the fastest."
Maddie sighed. "Too bad."
"Yeah." He was quiet for a moment. "You know, someday I could give you some of what I have. You could kind of inherit them from me."
Maddie smiled broadly. "Really? That would be awesome!"
Deacon grinned. He was learning that when Maddie was really excited about something she always used the word 'awesome'. He was happy to hear her use it about his guitars. "I know that the guitar you have was originally your grandmother's." Maddie nodded. "I think there's a lot to be said for passing down treasured possessions. I remember that your mama would always try to play that guitar." He looked over at Maddie and winked. "With 'try' being the operative word." He laughed a bit. "She really wanted to be able to play and she was okay, but not very good. She practiced a lot though. Which was pretty painful for me, as I recall. But she still loved guitars. She had a good eye for them."
"Did she ever give you a guitar?"
Deacon nodded. "She did. More than one. A really nice Martin. And a Gibson." He sighed. "I still have those too. I hardly ever play them anymore, but I have them." He didn't want to tell Maddie how important those were to him. The Martin she had given him when he'd been sober five years. It was a very expensive guitar, nicer even than the one Juliette had tried to give him. She had been so proud of him for staying sober that long. He remembered that she had come to his meeting when he made the five years and he'd been surprised to see her there. It had caused a buzz among the other attendees because everyone knew who she was. She'd been pregnant with Daphne then, he recalled. Thinking about it now made him realize that he had seen her through her whole pregnancy with Daphne but had never once seen her pregnant with his own daughter. He felt a mix of sadness and anger.
Maddie thought about what he'd said, about the fact that he'd kept the guitars her mom had given him. Even though they weren't together, it seemed they were still unable to disconnect from each other completely. She picked at the hem of her sweater. "Do you ever think you and Mom might, you know, get together again someday?" she asked hesitantly.
Deacon frowned slightly. He thought for a moment and then shook his head. "I don't think so, Maddie. There's a lot that's gone on between us and I think we finally just hit a place that we just need to move on from. Plus I'm seeing Megan now and I really like her. We have a really good relationship and she's good for me." He glanced at Maddie and could see her shoulders hunch over as she sighed. "And your mom is seeing Luke Wheeler." That bugged him though, and he felt a sense of annoyance when he thought of that relationship. He and Rayna had known Luke for a long time, although their paths had rarely crossed either personally or professionally until now. Luke had always had a reputation as a ladies' man and as a womanizer and, when he'd gotten divorced, it had been very acrimonious, although neither one had given many details. Deacon had always suspected that there was something dark and ominous in that break-up, because he knew Luke's ex-wife to be a sweet, generous person. As soon as Luke had started romancing Rayna, Deacon had a bad feeling about it, but he also knew he had no business interfering. So he'd left it alone and avoided the two of them when they were together as much as he could. But he couldn't help but worry about Rayna.
Maddie looked at him, her eyes dark with irritation. "He bugs me," she said. "It always feels like he tries too hard. Daphne loves him," – she drew out the word 'loves' sarcastically – "but I don't get it." She shook her head. "At least Megan is nice."
Deacon smiled slightly. He was pretty sure his answer hadn't been exactly what she was looking for. Truth be told, he had hoped he and Rayna still would have a chance, after the accident. But she had shut him down pretty completely and, although they had had some nice moments now and again, it didn't appear as though that was doing to change. So he had resolved to move on and that's what he was working on now with Megan.
Rayna pulled up and parked the car, then slowly got out. Things hadn't changed much. She walked out to the dock and looked out over the lake. He had a canoe now that was tied to the dock. She turned and looked back at the house. It was closed up and it looked sad and lonely. She walked up the steps and down the porch to the French doors. They were locked of course, but she pressed her face against the window, shadowing her eyes with her hands, looking through the gauzy curtain. She felt a twinge in her stomach as she noticed nothing had changed. The furniture was the same. It was even arranged the same way. She sighed and then, putting her hands in her pockets, went over and sat on one of the chairs.
She pulled out her cell phone out of habit and noted, with a wry smile, that there still was no cell service up here. Hard to believe there were still places, even rural places, where you could truly turn off. Of course, Deacon had put in a landline years ago, back when he was in her band but no longer in her bed. He'd given her the number so that she could reach him if she'd ever needed him. She had never called him though. She knew he was hoping she'd get bored with Teddy, long for what they'd had, and she had, of course, but she'd never called. She still had the number.
She leaned back in the chair, closing her eyes, and stretching her legs out in front of her, crossing them at the ankles. The sun warmed her face in spite of the chilly temperature. This place still soothed her soul, in spite of the unhappy memories she had here.
That last night she'd come up here, when Deacon had asked her to marry him, was a warm early spring night. It was unusually warm for this area, but it had meant that they could leave the windows open and hear the nighttime noise in the background. Deacon had been incredibly sweet and romantic and she had been caught up in the pleasure she was feeling. But as high as she'd felt that night, she had hit rock bottom the next morning when she'd found him passed out in the living room, with no clue as to what had gone on the night before. The fact that he hadn't remembered asking her to marry him had hurt her to her core. She had been devastated.
She really wished she had a glass of wine. Or better yet, a bottle. But it wouldn't be a good idea to get maudlin up here and besides, she needed to have her wits about her to drive home. She opened her eyes and looked out over the lake, thinking about Maddie.
Since Maddie had found out about Deacon, her emotions had been all over the map. There were days when things seemed almost normal and other days when Maddie acted like Rayna was the devil. She understood that things were confusing for her, even though Maddie argued to the contrary. She did, finally, seem to be settling in to the reality of her situation, which Rayna was grateful for. When she thought back on the decisions that were made after she'd found herself pregnant, she wished Maddie really understood how good a decision it had been for Teddy Conrad to be her father. Even though the marriage hadn't been what Rayna had always dreamed of, she knew, without a doubt, that Teddy had been a great father to Maddie. He had loved her from the moment she was born and never treated her as anything but his own flesh and blood. She hoped when all of this had worked itself out that Maddie would appreciate that.
But Maddie couldn't understand why she had never told Deacon the truth. She didn't think she could tell her daughter the whole truth, about how out of control Deacon was back then, how afraid she'd been that he wouldn't survive. She had felt so worn down by the time she'd broken up with Deacon and being with Teddy had felt so drama-free and…normal. She had been happy with normal for a while, happy not to be caught up in the maelstrom of an alcoholic's life. Still, when she'd realized she was pregnant, her immediate inclination was to tell Deacon and see if they could make it work. She was hopeful that finding out he was going to be a father would turn things around. But when she and Tandy had gotten to the cabin and found him in his typical destructive state, her fears took over. She allowed Tandy to lead her away. She allowed Teddy and Tandy to convince her that telling Deacon she was pregnant was a fools' game, that he would not only destroy her but their child as well. She allowed herself to believe that Teddy really was Maddie's father and that letting Deacon be a part of her life as "Uncle Deacon" was enough. She allowed herself to believe that there was never a time when she could have told Deacon the truth.
But you were wrong.
The words thundered around in her head, nearly taking her breath away with their fierceness. They forced her up on her feet, then made her wrap her arms around her waist and bend forward. She gasped at the intensity of her feelings. She stumbled to one of the porch columns and grabbed on as if for dear life. She pressed her face against the column and found herself breathing heavily.
This was your choice, Rayna Jaymes. No matter who suggested it or encouraged it, you made the decision. To lie to Deacon, to lie to yourself, to lie to everyone, but most especially to your daughter. You may feel justified in what you did, but there was no crystal ball to tell you what the future would hold. You made the choice. You can't blame that on anyone else.
She closed her eyes, still clinging to the column as though it were a life raft. She needed to own this, she knew that now. It didn't change where they were, she and Deacon, but she understood that she needed to accept what she'd done. She couldn't just blame it on Deacon, that he had forced her into that position, that place, where she felt her only option was to deny him his child. The choices had started long before that fateful night here and she couldn't sit back and be a victim anymore.
Deacon pulled up in front of his house. He and Maddie got out and he pulled the guitar out of the back. As they walked up the steps, he put his arm around Maddie's shoulders and then she slid her arm around his waist. She looked up at him and smiled. "This was a great day," she said. "Thanks for taking me to Gruhn's."
Deacon grinned back. "I'm betting you have a long wish list now," he said.
Maddie giggled. "Maybe." They went in the house and Deacon took his new purchase upstairs to the nook where he was keeping his guitars now, while Maddie went in the kitchen to get a water. She sat down at the counter and screwed off the top of the bottle, then thoughtfully took a sip. She was disappointed in her dad's response to her question about a future with her mom. She'd been so sure there was a spark there. It suddenly made her feel despondent. She could feel tears pricking at her eyes, but she didn't want to cry here.
She jumped up and ran over to the stairs. She nearly collided with Deacon as he came down. "Sorry," she mumbled and pushed past him.
"Maddie, are you okay?" he asked her, concern in his voice.
She could feel the tears pressing against her nose and her eyes were burning. "Just something in my eye," she murmured as she swept past him and up the stairs to her room. She closed the door and threw herself on her bed, lying face down, crying, trying not to make a sound. She hoped Deacon didn't come asking any questions. Her heart hurt right now and she needed some time to get over it.
When she woke up a couple hours later, her head hurt and her eyes were scratchy. She remembered dreaming about her parents, standing in front of each other, first looking happy, then looking sad. And she remembered begging with them to work it out, but they didn't seem to hear her. It made her want to cry again, but then she heard the creaking of a chair and when she rolled on her side and looked up, she saw her dad sitting forward in the chair with his elbows on his knees and his chin propped on his hands, his eyes sad and full of concern. She smiled weakly at him. "Hey."
"Hey," he said. "You okay?"
"I'm okay," she whispered. "Thanks for sitting with me."
Rayna walked down the gently slope to the dock. There was only a light breeze, so she stood for a few minutes, with her hands in her pockets, looking out over the lake. This was still such a peaceful, out of the way place. There were still no other houses close by, so she felt a little like the only person on earth. She shrugged up her shoulders and thought about Maddie again.
From the moment Maddie was born, almost everything about her reminded Rayna of Deacon. She had his coloring, although she had Lamar's brown eyes. She was thoughtful and careful, like Deacon. It had always surprised her to see Maddie hunch her shoulders forward the way Deacon did, when she was confused or hurt. She wore her emotions on her sleeve and she would have that same sad, puppy dog look in her eyes when she felt hurt, just like Deacon. She surely had his talent. It had taken her a long time before she stopped panicking every time Maddie and Deacon were together, wondering if Deacon saw all those similarities. As time passed and he never raised the issue, Rayna had felt less anxious.
When she and Deacon had gotten back together after she'd separated from Teddy, Rayna had felt that old fear raise its head, especially when Deacon talked about what could have been for them all those years. Teddy had warned her of the consequences of getting back into a relationship with Deacon, and she had considered that, but she'd waited too long for him and it felt so good to be with him again. And she had lived with the deception for so long that it truly felt like Maddie was Teddy's daughter.
She should have realized how fragile Maddie was then. The separation had hit Maddie hard. She went back and forth on who she blamed for the upheaval in her life. When Maddie had overheard Teddy and Peggy, Rayna thought she'd done the right thing by slowly easing Deacon into their lives in a different way. But she had misjudged Maddie's angst and she had clearly misjudged her resourcefulness.
When Deacon confronted her at the CMA's with Maddie's discovery, she'd been blindsided. She knew she'd handled things with Deacon badly and it wasn't much better when she got home to face Maddie. She had destroyed two of the most important people in her life and they were all still healing from that.
She had to admit that, after the accident, Deacon seemed to right his ship. He seemed to be back on his program. He was navigating the landscape of developing a relationship with Maddie. He seemed to have a solid relationship with Megan. He was reinventing himself as a solo artist. She couldn't help but feel glad he'd gotten his life back under control.
But Maddie was still figuring things out. Her relationships with both Rayna and Teddy consisted of wild emotional swings, complicated by the normal teenage drama and angst. The only person she seemed to connect with these days was Deacon. On one hand, Rayna was glad they were doing this, but on the other, she still worried that Deacon would disappoint their daughter.
That, more than anything, kept Rayna on the sidelines. It kept her from letting go enough to let Deacon in. This wasn't the first time he'd found peace with his alcoholism, only to lose his way. But the stakes were oh so much higher this time. If he crashed again, he would take their daughter with him.
She knew she'd promised Maddie she would let this become public knowledge, so that Maddie and Deacon didn't have to hide anymore. But it still felt too new, too tenuous, and she couldn't put her daughter in that place. She wasn't ready to open that door just yet. She knew Maddie would be angry, but she'd just have to help her understand that they all needed more time.
Rayna squared her shoulders. She breathed in the crisp air, closing her eyes as she savored it. She turned back and faced the cabin. She smiled to herself at how they always referred to it as 'the cabin', when it truly was more of a lake house than what she considered a cabin. It had been a sanctuary for so many years and coming back here now made her realize how she'd missed it. This had been the right place to come and reflect, but it was getting late, and now it was time to go back to the real world. She walked back up to the porch and picked up her purse. She looked in the windows one last time, this time seeing the ghosts of who she and Deacon used to be, sprawled all over each other on the couch in front of the now-cold fireplace. She felt tears prick her eyes, but she took a deep breath and shook them off, and walked back down the porch towards her car.