10. Wedding

Taking Emily to this wedding was the last thing I wanted to do. I could have used Philip there to hold my hand and help me through it. But of course my friends disapproved of us getting back together. They did not like Philip and never would.

I walked inside the church and find a seat beside Carol.

"Don't you girls look pretty? You are starting to show a little," Carol grinned.

"Thank you," I said quietly. Looking at the beautiful church with the pink roses everywhere made me think of my wedding to Shane. My surprise wedding. Could Shane have been more romantic?

I seat there ,holding my little girl ,watching Beth walk down the aisle. Beth looked so beautiful in lacy white dress that had a light pink sash around it. Her blonde hair was slicked back in a bun. I watched her and Daryl promised to love each other forever. I saw their smiles at each other, their laughter, and the way he held her while dancing. They were young and in love. Just like Shane and I were, I thought heartbroken. But unlike Shane and I, these two had their whole lives to forward too.

"Andrea, are you okay?" Carol asked seeing tears on my face.

"Yeah. I think I am going to take Emily home. She needs a nap. You give Beth and Daryl my love? I didn't get a chance to see them," I said gently.

"Of course, but if you need to talk I can go with you," Carol offers in her motherly tone.

"No, that's all right. You stay here, and have a good time," I said taking Emily in my arms. Carol nods and walks over to talk to Tyreese. I take one last look at the happy couple, and walk out.

"I hope you get a special day like that Emily. I had one with your stepfather Shane. You were still in my tummy then," I whisper in Emily's ear. I place her in the car seat, slowly shouting the car door. I drive away with images of Shane in my head. I see us going on our first date, the first time we made love, and the last moment I looked into his chocolate-brown eyes. No more weddings for me in the near future, I decided.

One good thing about leaving early I did not have to hear my friends tell me how toxic my relationship with Philip is, I thought as I pulled in the driveway. I carry a sleeping Emily into the house and put her in bed. I touch her dark hair and look down her with love.

"Andrea," Philip says walking in the room.

"I thought you were at work," I reply taken back by his presence.

"I left early. I could not wait to get back home to you," Philip said grabbing my hand. He leads me into the bedroom.

"I don't know if I am in the mood now," I admit looking into his light brown eyes, and over at the bed.

"Let's get you in the mood. I know what you are thinking about. And setting here thinking about him won't change anything. Although I really wish it could. But it won't. You can not go on living your life like you are dead. Anyone can die at any moment , Andrea," Philip whispers unzipping my white dress.

"And what do you suggest we do since our death is inevitable?"

"Don't live in the past, Andrea. Don't live with boundaries and rules. And mostly don't be scared to take what you want," Philips says removing my dress, tossing it on the floor. He unhooks my white bra, and slides off my matching panties. Today, I knew Philip would not be taking no as an answer. And I was almost scared to tell him no when he was determined.

I get on the bed and lay there naked. I cover myself up with the covers. While I am laying there he takes off his blue work shirt. I then hear him remove his belt, unzips his pants, and throw them on the floor. Now he gets in bed with me.

"What do you want Philip?" I asked finally.

"You ," he answers placing his lips against mine. I close my eyes kissing him back. His tongue moves forcefully against mine. Kissing me hard. He removes his lips from mine. Then starts kissing my neck, and touching my body with his hands. My body starts to tremble, as he continues kissing me everywhere. I couldn't tell him no now. He goes in between my legs, moving his tongue slowly this time.

"Oh, baby," I say finally surrendering to the softness of his tongue.

"Andrea," Philip whispers thrusting himself deeply inside me. My fingernails dig into his back as he moves faster and goes deeper inside me. His body is pressing down on me and covering me to the point I can hardly breathe. He is moving too fast, and being too rough. I want it to be over now, I thought.

"I have missed this so much," Philip breathes, finally releasing himself inside me.

"Me too," I said laying my head on his chest. I wasn't being honest, but I knew it was what he wanted to hear. I was trying so hard to please him.

I look into his light brown eyes, and see he is enjoying the afterglow of sex. He kisses my lips slowly, and pulls the covers over me. I watch as he gets up out of bed. I can not move. I feel pregnant and tired.

"You stay in bed, and I will get dinner," Philip whispers.

"Thank you," I smile a little.

"You were worth the wait," Philip murmurs looking in my eyes.

I look back into his eyes, and try to find the correct response. I can not come up with anything. Why did Shane have to leave me? Why did his partner kill him? Why couldn't I love Philip? All these questions running through my mind, and I look up at Philip giving him a fake smile.

"Did you enjoy the wedding?"

"Yes."

"I want to marry you," Philip whispers pressing his lips against mine.

He pulls his lips away a few minutes later, and I crawl up into bed closing my eyes. I had hoped to feel something after having sex with Philip. But I was still numb. The whole time he was fucking me, I didn't feel like I was part of it. It felt it was something happening to me, and not something I was involved in.

All the lust and passion I had died with Shane. There was none left for Philip or anyone else.

Philip stands there looking at me, and I have no feelings at all. He is still beautiful, with his sexy smile and flawless face. I just don't have any feelings of lust left. Only feelings of obligation to Philip.

"Could you see us getting married?"

"Yes, I could see that," I whisper and kiss his cheek.

Philip then smiles at me, and kisses my hair. He leaves the room to get dinner, and I close my eyes. Would I ever be happy again? Or would my I stay completely numb?