Thank you everyone. I'm humbled by the reaction this story has gotten. I really appreciate those reading, favoring, following, and reviewing.

I'm trying to figure out how I, an ironclad, die hard, dyed in the wool shipper, has managed to dig such a pit of anger, angst, and despair. I just wanted Castle to show a little more emotion in the situation, and now I'm here. I'm going with the characters are doing it and I'm just writing what they are doing, because I'm not this negative.

Disclaimer: I still don't own Castle, cause if I did, and this story was a show, people would be to depressed to watch.

Castle sat in the back of the car on the way to get Beckett. They were the longest, most horrible moments of his life. All he could think was what if they weren't in time. When he saw her stumble out of the tree line as they approached the compound he didn't even wait for the car to stop before opening the door. He vaguely heard Javi cuss while skidding the car to a stop. He ran to her, crying her name.

"Kate! Kate!"

Her stumbling pace picked up as she recognized the voice calling to her. As soon as his arms closed around her she collapsed allowing him to support her. That's when the tears and sobbing started.

Castle moved this arms and picked her up off the ground. He turned and began walking back toward the cars. Espisito and Ryan reached him first. Castle didn't even look at them or slow down as he made his way to the ambulance. As the medics opened the rear door and stepped out they reached for her. Kate's gripped tightened around Castle's neck. Without slowing his pace, Castle simply stepped up in to the ambulance through open doors and set her on the cot. The EMT immediately began assessing her even as she refused to let go of Castle's arm. He moved around to the head of the cot and ran his fingers through her hair as he whispered reassuring nothings to her.

After several minutes of fussing over her the medic declared her fine other than a case of slight hypothermia and the bump on the head. By this time Beckett had calmed down and was talking with Castle. She wanted to go back to the precinct and get the debrief over with. Castle almost started a fight right there. He thought about going to the hospital anyway but after the shooting both he and Beckett had developed a rather irrational hatred of the place. What he wanted to do was take her home. Take her home and protect her, but he was just so happy she was alive and mostly OK he let it go.

Castle managed to keep his mouth shut while Gates and the idiot narcotics detective asked question after inane question. Until finally they left. The small conversation with Kate lifted his spirits while at the same time stripping him bare. Once again, during one of the most trying moments of her life, he was sidelined because he didn't know what was happening. Just like that summer. After what seemed like forever but was probably only ninety minutes, they left the precinct.

Once home he got Kate to take a warm shower, bundle up and drink some hot tea. He saw her watching Bracken on the computer as he cleaned the kitchen and he felt fear, anger and dread shoot up his spine. He put down what he was cleaning and walked over to Kate and led her to bed.

They climbed under the sheets and she curled into him as he wrapped his arms around her. He listened as over the course of a half hour she finally fell asleep. As he watched her sleep he felt the fear, despair and anger nibbling at the back of his mind. How could she lie to him, again? How could she think so little of her life? How could she think so little of their life together? Did she even consider what it would do to him if he lost her? He began turning restlessly, so he left the bed and went to the office. He took out the bottle of scotch from the desk drawer and poured himself a hefty glass. He sat down in his chair and faced the night letting his thoughts wander.

He had completely lost track of time when he felt arms circle his neck from behind and run down his chest. He closed his eyes as he felt the ghost of a kiss on his ear. He didn't know if it was the alcohol talking or the left over fear and anger, but his voice acted before he could stop it.

"Why did you lie to me?"

Kate let out a breath. "I knew you would be against it and I didn't want you to worry. It wasn't supposed to be a big deal. A quick in and out operation."

"So you lied because it was no big deal? Please, you lied because you knew what you were doing was something I wouldn't agree with and that there was the chance something could happen that I would worry about. So, almost the last thing you ever said to me was a lie."

"Babe…"

"No." He spun the chair to face her, forcing her to release her hold on him. "You lied. Again. Because you didn't want to deal with my opinions or feelings on a decision that affected both of us. More than once is a pattern Beckett." He saw her visibly cringe at the use of her last name in their home. "How often are we going to have this conversation? How often are you going to run off, into reckless danger, with no thought to your own safety or the life we are living? How often are you going to make your decisions with no regard for me?"

Kate opened her mouth to begin to argue but Castle continued on.

"Don't. Don't give me the 'I'm a cop' crap. That's a weak excuse. This wasn't you chasing down a lead on your case. This wasn't a stake out with a team. This wasn't a calculated risk with everyone affected in the know. This was a rash decision that you volunteered for. Gates knew it was a bad idea, that's why she didn't want me to come down there with you. I would have raised holy hell about how bad an idea this was."

Kate got down on her knees in front of him and took his hands from his lap, kissing them gently. "I'm sorry babe. I'm so sorry."

Castle closed his eyes. "That's not going to fix it this time. Not this time. You need to figure out what you want in your life. Do you want me to be part of it? Will you include me in the parts that aren't convenient? You need to decide, and then you need to stick to the decision you make."

Castle leaned down and kissed Kate's forehead. "I still love you with all my heart and all my soul, but you have to let me in. I'm tired of scratching and clawing for everything and only getting scraps. That's not what a life together is supposed to be." Castle stood up pulled his hands from Kate's and walked into the bedroom.

Kate was left shell shocked. Not just by what he had said but by the truth of it. That first fight in her apartment where she had thrown him out. Even then, without the relationship that they had now he had still come and saved her. The shooting where he tried to take a bullet for her. He had confessed his love while trying to save her life and she had not only run and hid, but lied for a year to him about remembering. He forgave her hiding and then when finding out about the lie in the worst way possible, forgave that as well. Then she shoved him aside again, when all he was trying to do was keep her safe and she almost died because she hadn't trusted him. She hadn't listened. Then she had snuck away to the job in DC and he had held them together, not her. He had proposed and given his love without condition or fear. And now this. This entire relationship had been her using his strength when necessary and pushing him out after.

"How did I get here? How did I mess this up so badly?" Kate whispered to herself. "How did I mess this up so badly, again?" She stood from her kneeling position and turned toward the bedroom door. She thought briefly about whether she should enter. "Running again already Kate?"

She walked into the room and found Rick asleep. She bent over and kissed him gently on the temple. "I will fix this babe. I will fix me, us." She walked around the bed, lifted the covers and slipped in. She took Castle's arm and pulled it around her, resting his hand on her stomach. As she snuggled into him and began to drift off to sleep she spoke softly "I will fix this. I will make this right. I do love you."