I ignore the anxiety coursing through my body as I walk home in the dark, repeating to myself that there's nothing here, it's a small town, and the chances of something similarly horrible happening to me again are unlikely. Luckily it's a short walk.

I sigh against my apartment door when I finally get inside, exhaustion becoming all too obvious. I lazily make my way to the fridge tossing my things wherever and decide as I stare at a take-out container with a note from my aunt on it that I don't feel like eating tonight. I close the fridge door and get ready for bed.

Sitting down at the desk in my room I take out my diary. I slide the picture of my parents out and smile at it weakly. I feel my lip tremble and my eyes are growing blurry. I stare at the picture without seeing until I start rocking myself as tears slide down my cheeks. Why? Burying my face in my knee that I pulled to my chest I stifle a sob. Why? I weakly knock at my head trying to make it go away. Make the pain go away. The memories. The tears. Anything. EVERYTHING!

"Mommaa!" I start sobbing harder.

"Momma..."

My head starts to ache so I force myself to breathe more evenly. I feel my strength leaving me and I welcome the numbness, not caring that my nose is so stuffed up that I have to breathe through my mouth.

I fight back another sob. "I need you..." I let out a shaky breath and let a few more tears slide down my face as I rest my cheek against my knee.

I stare blankly at nothing for a while. Listening to the silence. My breathing. I Sigh heavily and start fiddling with one of the corners of my diary. Pushing away my sorrow for the moment I grab a pen and start writing.

Today went on forever like it could've been a whole week. I miss them. I miss them a lot. And after everything today... It shouldn't be like this. God I'm so lonely.

Whatever. I had issues again today. It was pretty bad. I won't be mentioning that at my next appointment. That would just make things worse and I'll get stuck having counselling for the rest of my life. No thank you.

It happened out of nowhere and for no reason really. I mean nothing really happened. Well the thing with my money, I guess that makes sense. It was just all too similar and in that moment I wasn't at school any more, all I could see was that night. It was like it was happening all over again. I was terrified. And I panicked. I felt like such an idiot. I can't be doing that in public, and definitely not at school. I thought I was getting better, but I freaked out before then too and he didn't even do anything, he was trying to be nice. I know she said its normal to be timid of people for a while, but for how long? It's been months! Every time Nathaniel casually touched me- like I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it- I would flinch. And I wasn't thinking that he would hurt me or that he had any hidden intentions, but I flinched like he did. It was so embarrassing, but at the same time I was really scared. I don't feel like I can trust anyone any more. I mean I knew them! They were friends...

The whole saying about how you never really know anyone seems so painfully true. How am I supposed to live like that? In fear of everyone. Expecting, or waiting, or knowing, or thinking that at any moment even those I think I can trust my life with can turn around the next moment and take life away...

And then there's that red head guy. He was outwardly hostile, a real jerk. And he made me uncomfortable, but I felt like I had time to prepare. To defend myself if I had to. And it was like I WANTED him to try something. And that doesn't make any sense. I'm terrified of people who seem nice and dare people who might actually hurt me to try. What kind of person does that?!

But when I ran into him later he didn't seem like a bad person. When I really looked at him he seemed as nice as Nathaniel, even though he doesn't act like him. Does that make sense? But what do I know? I was wrong before. Couldn't have been more wrong.

I'm so confused. Nathaniel makes me nervous, but I don't know if it's a good nervous or not. I know I find him attractive and I know I WANT to trust him, but I'm afraid to. I plan on trusting him, but I'll try to be more careful about it. Right now he's the closest thing I have to a friend. But then again if his sister took my money...

I don't even know how I feel about the person that took my money... Scared I guess. But I was so wrapped up in the past when it happened that I don't know what to feel about her and the other girls with her. Because to me they weren't there. They were THEM. And she really did hurt me. You'd think that of all the people to be afraid of it would be her, but part of me wants to see her again. Part of me wants the chance to return the favour. But that sounds so bad. If my counsellor knew I was thinking like this- I don't even want to know what she would do.

And for some reason even though Lee was really hard to read I wasn't afraid at all. Maybe he's the one I should be most afraid of... But I can't be. At least not openly because I have to work with him. Maybe I just felt safe because we were at work and no one would be stupid enough to do something like that while they were at work. But no. He doesn't seem like he would hurt me. But now the more I think about that, the more worried I'm getting.

I don't know what to do.

God I miss my parents. I know that if they were here I wouldn't be having this problem, but if I did, they would know how to make it better.

I hope tomorrow goes better. I'll be spending some time with Nathaniel to replace what was stolen possibly by his sister, and I work again tomorrow with Lee (in a uniform), but I think I'll be okay. Starting tomorrow I'm going to live off the assumption that tragedy like mine only happens once in a life time because I can't go on like I did today- I don't want to live in fear any more. It will be hard, but I'm gunna try. At the very least I'll explain my behaviour if it comes up. I think I'm ready to talk about it now.

PS I almost forgot, I kissed Nathaniel for some reason. I've never voluntarily gotten that close to anyone before, except my family. I hope he doesn't take it the wrong way. I was thinking of my parents when I did it, but it made me a little giddy after. I don't know what's wrong with me. Oh, no... I hope tomorrow isn't awkward.

Goodnight.

I close my diary with a yawn. I look down at the picture of my parents again and blink, two tears slide down my cheeks. I can do this.