I am baaack! Today... :/

I finally updated this story and this chapter has turned out to be quite a bit longer than the previous ones. This wasn't intentional. As I said before each chapter is like a freewrite, I don't plan on anything I have written I just write. I hope you enjoy this chapter most of it is diary writing and in true diary fashion the writing is rambling and disjointed. I did this on purpose so let me know what you think. I can tighten up the journal writing if you'd like, but I'm trying to keep it as authentic as possible. Well...My journal writing is like that anyway. Any comments you have will be greatly appreciated, even short ones like,"I like it" or "you forgot_".

I lean against my apartment door with a sigh shutting it behind me. A smile slowly creeps onto my face. Overall...today was a good day.

I feel my heart thudding strangely in my chest and I bite my lip as I hesitate. Mm..just in case. I turn around going on my tiptoes to peer out the peep hole in my apartment door. My heart sinks and feels relieved at the same time. Right. Well it was nice of him to walk me home anyway.

I step away from my door shrugging off my backpack and letting it slide to floor. With another sigh I try to ignore the uncomfortable quite in my small apartment as I check the fridge for food. I pull out a take out container without checking its contents and place it in the microwave setting the time to two minutes. While my mystery dinner heats up I pull out my homework and start working on it at the kitchen counter. As I finish reading the first question the microwave beeps. Without removing my eyes from my work I blindly remove my dinner from the microwave and open it for me to dig in.

After nearly two hours and finishing up the last bite of my now ice cold meal, I sigh in frustration steeping away from my homework to throw away the takeout container.

Stupid homework takes too long...

I lay my head down on the counter burying it with my arms and stretching my back like a cat. I took several deep breaths before abruptly shoving myself back up and snatching my homework off the counter and heading to my room.

I plopped myself down at my desk, opening my homework once again. I can do this. I took another deep breath and settled back into doing the last few questions.

An hour later I slam my book closed and lean back. Finally! I let my head rest on the back of my chair staring at the ceiling.

Should I...? I don't know...maybe. But I don't want to! I'm tired. But I kinda do.

I yawn and turn it into a frustrated growl as I mess up my hair. Fine!

I tap my fingers on my desk and bounce my right leg anxiously before pulling out my diary.

I stare at it for a minute trying to clear my head. I write about today and then I can go to sleep. Almost done. I flip it open to a new page. Where should I start...?

I sigh biting my lip with a frown. I shake my head.

Dear Diary,

Um...sorry. I'm stumped at the moment. I had lots to tell you earlier, but I'm so tired now after trying to finish all of my homework. Which I did! But it was painful. SO boring! I should've just quoted the whole text book. It's not like they wanted me to think about anything. It was simply skim and quote information to answer the question. It's no wonder so many people don't care about history, the work is pointless.

Anyway, that's not really important. I still don't know where to start...Hmm...This morning? I guess.

OH YEAH! I forgot! So this morning was kind of super embarrassing. Nathaniel showed up before I was even finished getting ready. And coincidentally he showed up while I was belting out a Kelly Clarkson song. I'm crossing my fingers that he couldn't really hear me through the door. When I found him outside my door he looked as embarrassed as I felt so I don't know if that's a good sign or not. But he took me to get my ID like he said he would and it was a little awkward but it was okay. He didn't say anything about the kiss though so that was a relief. I was starting to feel really comfortable around him too. I almost told him about that night, but thought maybe I should wait. OH! but then!

Oi...Well I didn't tell Nathaniel about what happened, but I did tell Lysander of all people sort of by accident. And I had only just met him AND he's my coworkers brother. I really hate my luck sometimes. I felt so bad after I told him. He looked really uncomfortable. It's hard to explain. I was changing into my uniform for work and ran into Amber who is the psycho bitch from yesterday that stole my money and ID. Nathaniel's sister. And for a minute I thought I could get her to back off, but that didn't last long and then she slapped my books out of my hands. I guess Lysander suspected that she had done something when I came out to ask him to zip up my dress which I wasn't happy about having to do. He could see my bra! It was only the back of it but still it was quite embarrassing to have him zip up my dress in the middle of he school hallway even if no one was around.

While he was zipping it up though I could feel his warmth radiating off of him and my mind began to wander...SHUT UP! I know what you're thinking! It's not like that! He just seems really nice and he's attractive. It's completely normal for a girl's imagination to wander... And it's not like I was thinking of anything dirty! I was just...you know...thinking of...how his hand...might feel along my neck. That's all. But in the next moment my fantasies were shattered by my memories.

I guess I started to panic outwardly though I hadn't noticed. I had gotten lost in my own mind remembering that-that SICK-that guy and what he tried to do. I had started crying and didn't notice until Lysander interrupted my thoughts. So when he asked what was wrong, the first thing on my mind was the memory and not Amber which is what he was really asking about and so I told him briefly about my parents being murdered.

Anyway he looked really put off by my "story" and it took a while for me to get him to look less like I just told him the world the world was going to end like a doomsayer. I can honestly say I probably gave the worst first impressions meeting Lysander today. First I ignored his hello in the hallway, then I looked like a stalker in class, and then I apologized moronically after class, and then told him my story, and put my shoes in his locker after saying they were smelly...Sigh. I mean really, could it have been any worse?

Regardless he walked with me to his brothers shop and took the blame for me being late. His character is evidently as gentlemanly as his Victorian attire. He even sincerely promised he "wouldn't tell a soul" about my parents without my permission when I awkwardly approached him about keeping it a secret just before he left. He also said he hoped to see me again which gave me butterflies as he smiled at me in his mysterious way, but he was probably just being nice. He probably says that to everyone. And I'm probably just being a lonely hormonal virgin...I say too much.

I wonder if there is something wrong with me... I mean for the number of guys I've "dated" and had nothing happen with... I haven't even really held a guy's hand before unless it was instructed by a teacher... And I've been asked out by 2 guys. Am I too weird? Maybe when they get closer to me they realize I'm not really as pretty as they thought from a distance...I don't know. But you have to admit it's really weird. None of them ever really looked interested in me so I don't know why they asked me out. Maybe :O! Maybe I'm one of those girls that no one likes! That everyone dares their friends to ask out as a prank. Am I one of those people? I didn't think I was that weird... Was I too shy? Maybe I'm over reacting... The second guy did ask me out because he didn't want to look gay even though I'm pretty sure he is... And the first guy, well he ended up being kind of a player and we were young. We lived too far apart and didn't really know anything about relationships...Sigh. I don't know. I'm just lonely. No one has asked me out in 3 years, actually, until I got to SAH none of the guys ever really talked to me. Here I've spoken to the guys more than any of the girls which is quite unusual for me. Maybe things are going to change. Mind you...I don't know if I'm ready for any of that now anyway. Not after what happened with my so called friends getting boyfriends. Sometimes life is too much of a shit storm.

Jesus! I am so scatter-brained today! Okay, I swear I will stay on topic now. Where was I? Right. Lysander left me with butterflies and then his equally gentlemanly and attractive brother continued to give me butterflies. I wonder if my period is coming...I am way too sensitive lately. He seemed to loosen up more today and was quite easy to talk to. He even laughed a few times. He has a really warm laugh and surprisingly it was the sort of laugh that came right from the gut. I would have never expected him to have such a hearty infectious laugh. I don't even remember what was so funny.

He asked me a bunch of questions about his brother, when we met and what I thought of him. I skipped over the more personal bits of our meeting, but he seemed interested in what I had to say. Taking in everything I told him with a thoughtful expression, his eyes guarded as I have come to expect. When we finished for the day he insisted that he walk me home and apologized a million times for not doing so yesterday. He was really sweet. If he didn't seem completely out of my league I would probably find myself falling for him. Other than his brother I don't think I've met anyone quite like him. But like I said, he is way out of my league. I would always feel inadequate next to him, but he makes an excellent coworker and I believe even a friend.

Actually he is so gentlemanly that he even kissed my hand as he said goodbye as we reached my apartment door. I blushed like mad and my heart pounded like never before. I can honestly say it is the closest I've ever been to a guy. How sad is that, eh? I will never forget how it felt even though we are just friends, it meant a lot to me all the same. Lee is a wonderful person and I am glad to have met him and his brother despite initial awkwardness. I look forward to getting to know them better.

Today was a good day. Even with the few hiccups I ran into. I really can do this. I am proud of myself and I think my parents would be too. May they rest in peace.

Love always,

Me

PS things are really looking up.

I close my diary with a smile before putting it away. I look up at the clock.

1:00 am

Oops. I guess I got a little carried away. I stand up with a stretch and get ready for bed.

One last thing...Leigh is spelled wrong on purpose. It'l get sorted out later. THAT I do have planned. :)