Hello my beautiful readers! I haven't updated in months! I feel absolutely terrible, and I can't tell you enough how sorry I am. At least the ending wasn't too much of a cliff hanger! I really hope you enjoy this next chapter. Thank you for sticking with me! These last few months have been really hard on me emotionally, so it's nice to know I have people who want to read my story. The last chapter ended off with Helga giving birth to Chance, and Helga accepting Arnold's proposal for marriage. Here we go
It was day three of sitting in the hospital, and I was getting stir crazy. Sure, I'd been pushed around in a wheelchair every now and then, but fresh air was alien to me now.
Chance was doing extremely well. He was such a happy baby. I decided to breast-feed Chance. I had breast-fed Caressa, and apparently 'breast is best', which I couldn't agree with more.
Today was the estimated day that I could finally go back home with Chance and Arnold. We could start our new life together, from scratch.
I was able to walk around by myself now, but not for too long. Anytime I could get alone, was spent packing up my belongings into my suitcase. I had received a lot of cute cards and balloons. Even my parents sent me a small card that said, 'Congratulations! New baby girl!'. They didn't get the gender right, but I was able to find some thought within it.
I stepped into the bathroom, and changed into normal sized jeans, and a hoodie. I felt so much better about not having to be stuck inside a hospital gown. I was now awaiting the doctor to give me the OK to leave.
I was on my laptop, looking up apartments. My, or should I say, our apartment was getting too small. It was only meant for two people, and now there was going to be four. The door opened. I closed my laptop in excitement and looked up. It wasn't the doctor, it was Arnold.
"Arnold, did the doctor say we could leave? I'm getting so anxious!" I said with a little squeal of excitement.
"Um…", he stuttered, "not exactly." He came and sat down next to me. He was avoiding my eye contact completely. He was trying to hide something.
"Arnold, what's wrong? If we're not allowed to leave just yet, you can tell me. I won't be angry."
"Sweetie," he began. "Chance isn't doing so well. They thought his progression was going great, but they're starting to see drastic changes in him."
I was starting to panic. "What are you talking about? They said he was doing amazing just yesterday! What's wrong with him? Let me see him." I got up and hobbled to the door, frantic.
"Helga, you need to sit down." He was trying so hard to calm me.
"Tell me what's wrong right now! I have a right to know!" I was beginning to shout.
"Ok, you just need to calm down." He made me sit down before he proceeded. "Chance isn't digesting his food anymore. Anything that has gone into his stomach in the last day, he has thrown up." He was looking at me seriously.
"Isn't that normal? That happens to kids sometimes, doesn't it?"
"Well, yes... but not to this extent. It's getting really serious." He was looking down, so I couldn't see his face.
My heart completely dropped. I had thought everything was going to be ok. My life was going to be normal. Caressa was going to have normal parents, who loved each other very much.
Chance. He was only three days into the world, and his life was already wasting away.
Right before me, my life shattered. "Is he going to die?"
"Excuse me?" Arnold looked up at me.
"I asked, is he going to die." I stared at him with a blank face; no emotions.
"Helga, I'm not sure-" I cut him off.
"Tell me right now Arnold! I'm not screwing around. I would like to know if my newborn son is going to have any time in this world. Now, tell me. Is Chance going to die?" I was beginning to tear up.
"They don't think he will live past five months. " He was down to a whisper. He wasn't looking at me anymore.
I got up, and Arnold grabbed my arm. "Arnold, I need to see my child. I need to see him." I pronounced sternly.
"Ok" he said quietly.
I walked through the halls to the nursery. "He's not in there Helga." He took my hand, and led me to the private nursery.
I opened the door, and there he was; lying helplessly in an incubator, breathing heavily, with a million tubes coming out of him. I wiped the tears rolling down my face, and sat next to him. He was asleep. I could tell that even breathing was an enormous task.
I watched him sleep for what seemed like hours. I took in the moment, with every detail I could. His skin was ivory, not a normal color. His eyes were squeezed shut. His legs were bent and crossing. His soft pink lips were slightly parted. For a moment, I forgot about the world. About his situation. About him fighting for his life. He was just my son.
I began to cry, and Arnold put his hand on my shoulder, and held me from behind. A nurse walked in.
"I'm sorry sweetie. I know you're the mother and father, but you're both going to have to leave now," The nurse said. Arnold was helping me get up, but I sat back down.
"Could I have five minutes alone with him? Please?" The nurse nodded her head, and both she and Arnold left the room.
I stared at him. "Hey baby boy," I whispered. "I don't know if you know or not, but I'm your mamma…and I am so proud to have a fighter for a son." After a few moments I spoke again. "You have an amazing father, you know that? And such a sweet sister." I sat there for a minute, like I was waiting for a response. "I already love you more than you will ever know. I will never, ever give up on you. And neither will your dad." My throat was hurting from holding back the tears. I wiped away the few that had escaped.
"They said you wouldn't live past a few months, but I know you can. You are a little trooper, just like your dad." I had to breathe heavily to stop the tears. "Chance, I love you so much. I will do anything I can to make your life amazing. I'm so sorry this had to happen to you. I'm so sorry." I looked down, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw a tiny movement. His little hand was stirring. I stood up, and put my hand inside the incubator. He grabbed it immediately. "Chance, I know you will never understand what I'm saying, and it saddens me that I will never be able to tell you about the day you were born...But I want you to know that even though you'll only be here for a little while, the day you came into my life was the happiest day of my existence. I love you, Chance." The nurse walked in.
"I'm sorry Ms. Pataki, but you have to go now." I nodded my head slightly and walked out. Arnold was waiting right outside the door. I stood next to him, and immediately broke down. I slid down the wall, running my hands through my hair and crying. Arnold sat down next to me and put his arm around my shoulders. I turned towards him, and buried my head into him. I grasped his shirt and cried into it.
"I'm so sorry Helga. I'm so sorry."
I was allowed to leave the hospital, but Chance had to stay for a few more days. His condition wasn't getting any better, but the nurses and doctors understood that I wanted to be with him for as long as possible. They were going to allow me to take him home.
When I arrived in my apartment with Arnold, and without Chance, I broke down again. I sat on the floor, and sat there, laying in my own sorrows. Arnold put the bags down and sat next to me.
"Helga, I know you don't want to talk right now. And, honestly, I don't want to either. But I want you to know, I'm never going to go anywhere. I'm so sorry this had to happen to you. But don't engulf your mind with what the doctor said. There is always a chance that our son will make it, and we will celebrate his first birthday together." With those words, I cried even harder. Even though my cries of pain and anguish were flowing, he continued. "I will do anything to see him one year from now; healthy. I love you, Helga." He grabbed my hand, and kissed my engagement ring. "Forever." I gave out a small smile, and buried my head into him, once more.
After a few hours, we were about to head back to the hospital, and this time, Caressa accompanied us. She was smiling away, not truly knowing what was going on around her. As we were in the car, I decided to tell Caressa the news. I buckled her in, and Arnold and I sat on either side of her car-seat.
"Caressa, could you look at mommy?" She turned her head towards me. "Sweetie, you know how mamma had your little brother inside my tummy? Well, he's not in my tummy anymore." Her eyes lit up.
"Where is he mamma?" she asked with a clueless expression on her chubby face.
"Well," I began, "When mommy had him, we had to leave him at the hospital. And we are going to visit him right now." Her head turned sideways as she asked, "But why isn't he wiff you mamma?"
"Well, hun, he's not feeling too well right now." My voice cracked. I didn't want to cry in front of her.
"Does he have sniffles? 'Ember mamma? I gots the sniffles once." I smiled at her.
"That's right. He has the sniffles. Except, he's a little bit more sick than that." She looked down at her fingers.
"Is he gonna go bye bye?" She said, with the most serious expression.
I didn't really want to lie to her, but having to explain to her that he's not going to die right now, is really hard. "Well, we'll see. OK?" I felt a tear touch my cheek. Her eyes focused on it.
"Mamma? You c'ying?" I wiped it away.
"I'm ok baby. I'm ok." An utter lie; I hated crying in front of her. It was something I always tried to avoid.
We got out of the car, and Caressa grabbed my hand as tightly as possible.
We walked into the nursery. Caressa released my hand and ran over. "Mamma, it's your baby!"
"Shh, sweetie. We have to be quiet. He's asleep right now." She nodded her head; her eyes were still fixated on all the tubes, and of course, Chance.
"Can I touch him Mamma?" I thought about it for a moment. "I'm sorry Caressa, but you're not allowed to. He's too little right now." She put on a frown. "But I promise you, when he comes home, you will be the first to hold him. Is that ok?" She smiled and shook her head.
We spent a few hours there before we had to head back home, once again, without him. Chance had lost one pound, and his bones were starting to protrude. His skin was getting whiter, and he couldn't eat through his mouth. Food was being pumped directly into his stomach. He was still throwing up his food, but not as often anymore. They were trying to find a formula that could keep him healthy and growing, but one that he wouldn't throw up in the next hour. Caressa went straight to bed, while Arnold and I stayed up to watch a movie. We wanted to try and get our minds off of Chance for a little bit.
During the commercial break, Arnold spoke. "How you feeling?"
"Considering everything that's going on, I'm feeling pretty crappy right now." Arnold kissed my head.
"If it makes you feel any better, I feel the same way." I rolled my eyes slightly. My hormones were getting the best of me.
"Mhmm." I said under my breath.
He moved so he was looking directly at me. "What does, 'mhmm', mean?"
I snapped back. "He is my child, I held him in my stomach for nine months."
"What, does that mean I can't feel terrible about it either?" He looked hurt.
"I'm just saying, he's my son." I was regretting every word that spilled from my mouth.
"Yea, well he's my son too, you know." He lay back down next to me.
"Sure…" I bit my tongue, so I couldn't say any more words.
"What does, 'sure', mean? What, now he's not my son? Is that what you're trying to tell me?"His voice was still at a soft tone. On the other hand, my voice was rising.
"Yes, that's exactly what I'm trying to tell you! He's my son! Not yours! Stop trying to pretend like you feel terrible, too! Because, for a fact, I know nobody else feels the way I do right now!" I got up, and stormed into the bedroom.
I smacked my forehead once I entered. I had just screamed at my fiancé, for feeling sad. I felt terrible. After an hour of lying in bed feeling terrible, Arnold still hadn't come in. I gave up on waiting to apologize, and tried to get some sleep.
Before I was fully asleep, Arnold walked in. He climbed into bed, and lay there. I rolled over.
"I'm sorry." I began to cry. He cradled me in his arms.
"I will always love you." He said quietly. "Forever."