My first FF so it will suck so you will have to compliment and say how awesome it is. Okay? Oka-sorry the pain is to fresh for me to finish. It'll be short so I can get a feel to this website and so you'll get a glimpse at my writing style.
It was getting worse so I went to the hospital. I shouldn't have gone to the hospital.
While waiting for the doctors to get setup and for the forms to be filled out and for the parents to talk and for the nurses to and for time to inch by, her parents messages me.
Hazel isn't feeling very well, Gus. She's in the ICU and has some liquid in her lungs, they're draining it now but we don't know of she'll get better.
I stared for a while. I just looked at my phone and tried to decipher what it meant. What do they mean she wasn't feeling well? Why won't she get better? She said that she was a grenade to her parents and they told my parents and they told me and then she said that when she looked at me she could only see what she'd put me through and I didn't care. But I cared now, I was 17 and 17 year old hearts have only been broken so many times. They aren't used to the numbing pain of love and loss yet, they haven't felt enough for the hurt to not hurt as much.
But I couldn't dwell on any of that yet because it was finally time for my PET scan. It was exactly like it was when I still has cancer, the endless rambling of doctors talking down to you like you were five, which was incorrect. I think my mindset resembled a mix of a angst riddled teenager, pouty 5 year, and the new-to-the-world mind of a 10 year old. Either way, they were talking down to me and nobody talks down to Augustus Waters. The sound of whirring machines was oddly comforting the same way the almost raining sky made me happier than the sunny, summery sky.
I looked at the results and the first thing that came to mind was a Christmas tree. The lights shown everywhere and it looked like the strung lights on a Christmas tree. I tried to think of a metaphor that a Christmas tree could represent but I couldn't. Metaphors didn't matted when you were going to die. The 3rd thing that came to my mind was that nobody knew me yet, I was still unknown to the world and I would fade into oblivion so much sooner than I thought I would, I was expecting to have my memory survive for a few more centuries due to the next Shakespearean tragedy that I would write, or maybe because of the inspiration I'd inspire after helping a country revolt. Anything to put off oblivion.
The next thing I thought about was Hazel. We had a trip to Amsterdam planned. We would ride down the canals and I'd kiss her and we'd be two ordinary teenagers in love. It was ruined now, by me and her and cancer and genetics and fate? Shakespeare said that the fault was not in our stars but ourselves. Hazel would've said that it was all the star's fault and that he was wrong, that fate was to blame and it wasn't always ourselves, some things are just out of our control and the stars have just crossed in all the wrong ways. She's knows when something are just out of her control and she just loves to prove Shakespeare wrong. But you shouldn't blame the stars. The stars can't control how they cross either. I'd have to say that it was just an accident. Life is series of coincidences. It was an accident my genes arranged in a way so that cancer would form, my parents DNA arranged in a way that made them them and would later make me. Those were all just accidents. Don't blame the stars.
I tried to visit Hazel in the ICU afterwards to break the news. To say that we were both loaded grenades now in danger of dying but it was family only. I wanted to say that I was at least her 50th cousin (everybody in the world is) and that she was my girlfriend and that I needed to see her to tell her that we might both go too soon, but I didn't. Being the Augustus I am I felt like sneaking in would be more romantic. Even when I did manage to sneak behind the nurses I couldn't tell her. Not because I was too scared to give her the news but because she was unconscious with tubes coming out of her ribs and IVs all sort of other things. I sat next to her for 10 minutes thinking about what could've been. When the nurse found me and dragged me out her parents were there so I put on a brave face. I was the confident, strong young man that was dating their daughter. I could go through all of this with her.
She got better and went home after a couple of weeks, but I didn't have hope that we could go to Amsterdam together. She was back on the BiPap and needed even more machinery and more regular doctor visits now and I was on regular treatments to get rid of the cancer, which is to say they tried to get rid of me because I was made of cancer by now. Her Dr. Maria eventually convinced the other doctors to agree about the trip but my doctors were harder to convince. My parents didn't agree either. They just wanted me to live but I just wanted to LIVE.
They said that right now I was fighting for my life. I couldn't risk traveling. I said that I wasn't fighting for my life, I was just flirting with Death and Life wanted to leave me, I just needed more time to hangout with Life and make her feel loved. As I said, I just needed to live life. I eventually got to go. Both of us, together. Eventually Life felt a little too jealous and left, eventually Death and me got together and really clicked. Death and me became inseparable and got married. As the bible said, we became one flesh.
I heard that Hazel started hanging out with Death a little more too. Maybe we'd meet up later. Maybe I could see her again and I'd get to see that in between color of her eyes.