A/N: Allow me to sum up this chapter by quoting the Potter Puppet Pals (which I don't own etc):
"Angst. Angst. Angst. Angst. Angst."
"He's a little off today, haven't you noticed?"
"Maybe he's in loooove." … well not quite but you get the picture ;)
I reeeally hope this is okay; it's another long'un and I had real trouble writing this. It normally takes between 1 and 3 sittings to write a chapter but this time I ended up changing things about 8 times so I just don't know how well I've been proof-reading it lately as I must have read multiple versions of this 2 or 3 times each. (Sorry I'm not feeling well either.. I'll stop talking now and let you read)
Sleepless Christmas Eve
1 day until the Yule Ball
"I feel pressured by what you said because I don't bloody deserve you!"
Hermione woke with a start. She was breathing heavily; her heart was racing. Those words… why did she feel like she'd heard them somewhere before? She groggily rubbed her eyes as she repeated the sentence over and over in her head, determined to remember where on earth she had heard it, because she knew she had.
After some time, she had fallen back into a light sleep. She was in that weird in-between state where she was still half conscious. That conscious part of her was still repeating the words but she wasn't thinking about them anymore, instead just allowing her mind to wander. It didn't take long for Hermione's subconscious to match a voice to the words. She ended up jolting herself awake again as soon as she realised whose voice it was.
Draco's? No, surely not! That slimy cockroach could barely wait two days to snog another girl's face off after she broke off the arrangement for the Ball; there was no way he could ever have the capacity to say something like that. Then again, two days was a pretty decent time where Draco was concerned. But that still didn't excuse how insensitive it was… maybe he was trying to get back at her for not kissing him on Saturday, or maybe it was revenge for calling off the Ball arrangement. Either sounded plausible, but Hermione didn't want to believe Draco would do it for those reasons; she liked to think he would have put spiteful needs for vengeance behind him now.
Hermione pulled the covers over her head in an attempt to shut out the familiar drawl that was now ringing in her ears. It was like she just could not escape him lately. After her awkward run-in with him yesterday morning he had been everywhere she went. She must have bumped into him at least six more times. Even when she was in the common room he seemed to be right in her line of vision from the window every time she looked out of it. Ginny had refuted this claim; saying that he was always there because she was looking for him. Hermione still stood by her argument that his platinum blond hair was pretty hard to miss, but it wasn't completely impossible that Ginny was right.
Hermione propped herself up and groaned when she came face-to-face with her Yule Ball dress, which was hanging down the side of her wardrobe: another reminder of Draco. It seemed like such a waste now that she was back to being date-less. Parkinson was bound to spend every possible second humiliating her about it too – whoop-de-doo! Part of Hermione thought about finding Draco later on and seeing if they could still go together, for convenience purposes. She'd been thinking of doing this anyway after her talk with Harry, but she wasn't about to do that after what Draco did yesterday - she still had some pride!
Truth be told, the convenience reasoning would be her cover story; there really was no use trying to hide the fact that she fancied Draco when her reaction to what happened yesterday more than confirmed this to Harry. Draco was free to do as he pleased, and she bloody cried for Godric's sake! She felt like such an idiot, but at the same time she couldn't bring herself to blame him, not as much as she should, at least. He clearly lived his life bottling up his emotions, but on Saturday he couldn't seem to hold anything back. He got so worked up about what she'd said to Dobby, and it was difficult for Hermione to see him like that when he had always been irritatingly composed and together ever since she could remember. And she'd just left him like that.
Hermione went to rub her eyes again but she noticed that they were damp. She hadn't even realised she'd been crying again until this point. She suddenly felt overwhelmed and suffocated by all of these feelings and emotions; she needed to get out of the castle for a little while. One look out of the window indicated that it was still quite early: maybe six or seven o'clock. It would be cold, but maybe that would do some good with the head-clearing process.
Hermione tiptoed over to her wardrobe, and layered up as much as she could before grabbing the blanket off her bed along with her wand, cloak, and a book, not even bothering to sort out her hair, which was falling out of her messy pony tail. She tried to open the dormitory door with minimal creaking, but ended up failing miserably. Luckily the girls she shared with were heavy sleepers and none of them stirred as Hermione slipped out and shut the door again.
Feeling considerably better already, Hermione left the common room and instinctively headed down to the edge of the Black Lake. It never did occur to her that she might have been drawn towards that spot because the lake is where the Slytherin common room was situated.
Hermione was not the only one having trouble sleeping that morning. Draco had been tossing and turning the whole night. He had slept maybe two or three hours, but had woken just past two a.m. and had maybe slept another hour since then. He decided it was time to give up; if he wasn't asleep now he sure as hell wouldn't be any time soon.
Draco punched his pillow into a more comfortable shape (really he just wanted an excuse to punch something) and turned onto his other side. He was more than a little startled to see Blaise Zabini staring right back at him across the room, a bemused expression on his face.
'What?' Draco mouthed to him. He wasn't a hundred per-cent sure Blaise had been able to decipher his message, and frankly he didn't much care either way. The giant squid swam past the dormitory window, causing the water to ripple and sickly-green flecks of light to swim around the room. One beam illuminated Blaise's face, and it was evident that he had understood, as he seemed to be mid-sentence of his own silent message, which Draco missed the first part of.
'What?' he mouthed again. After a second failed attempt at understanding him, Draco gestured for Blaise to get out of bed and come closer so they could actually talk. There was no way Draco was leaving his comfy bed when Blaise was the one pestering him.
Blaise rolled his eyes and eventually dragged himself out of his bed and walked over to Draco, his duvet draped around his shoulders. He sat on the floor beside Draco's bed leaning against his chest of drawers. Draco smirked in triumph. It really was annoying having to room with Crabbe and Goyle. It wasn't easy to wake them but the other boys had learnt not to push their luck; once it came to going back to sleep after being woken, Crabbe and Goyle snored for at least a good half an hour before fully drifting off again. Between the pair of them they made as much noise as a bloody mountain troll would make… a full grown one… that had blocked sinuses.
"What you got that look on your face for, Zabini?"
Blaise did a double take, "you don't know? Oh this is bloody fantastic!" he clapped his hands together in glee. This didn't last long as his gaze darted to the large masses that were Crabbe and Goyle at the far side of the room. He breathed a sigh of relief and smirked at Draco.
"What are you on about?" asked Draco, becoming slightly nervous now.
"You were dreaming about that little Gryffindor bookworm of yours."
Draco couldn't help but roll his eyes. Blaise must've got that phrase from Pansy; Draco was going to kill her as soon as he saw her! Then again after yesterday it probably wasn't a wise move… wait, what did Zabini just say?!
"I was what?" Draco snapped in a mixture of denial and panic.
"Yeah, yeah," Blaise nodded, "you were mumbling her name and everything in your sleep."
After a few seconds of freaking out, Draco caught sight of his friend's face and narrowed his eyes.
"You seem awfully calm about it Zabini, you know considering that I was allegedly saying the name of a Gryffindor Mudblo- er muggleborn witch who is best friends with Potty in my sleep," he raised a blond brow, a gesture that wasn't missed by the other wizard.
Blaise snorted with laughter, but tried to hold the full brunt of it in for fear that he would wake the others.
"Oh Salazar that was priceless. You actually believed me for a moment there, don't deny it!"
Draco reacted by sending one of his books flying at Blaise whilst he was distracted with his wand. It hit him on the arm with a satisfying thud. Draco was irritated because it was plausible that he could have been doing that; he couldn't sleep from the immense guilt he was still feeling. He had hurt her again, without even meaning to, and he had barely spoken to her since Saturday.
"Got your little temper tantrum over with now?" Blaise snapped.
"Yes," Draco replied dryly, "so what if I believed you anyway? It doesn't mean anything." Liar. His brain thought.
"'Course it doesn't," Blaise said sarcastically, "Parkinson isn't exactly the type to keep quiet when someone pisses her off you know."
Draco bowed his head. Shit.
"She told you." It wasn't a question, but Blaise answered anyway.
"Yeah. Seriously mate what's going on with you? You've been acting weird for days now."
Draco frowned.
"Why are you not kicking up a shit storm about this? If you heard what happened straight from the pug's mouth – no metaphor intended, she actually does look like one – then surely you know everything."
"Yeah I do," Blaise said. There was an evil glint in his eye that suggested there was more meaning behind those words, but Draco was still too tired to even think too much about that right now.
"Okay, before we get into a conversation which I'd much rather never have with anyone, ever, can I ask why on earth you were staring at me like that just a moment ago? It was rather unsettling to say the least."
"You were bloody fidgeting so much it was kind of hard not to take notice," Blaise replied, "trouble sleeping?"
Draco was immediately on the defensive, "so what if I am?"
Blaise smirked, "relax Malfoy, I'm on your side."
"I don't bloody see how. You've never liked any of the Gryffin-dorks, especially not Hermione." The way Blaise wrinkled his nose at the mention of her name was confirmation enough of this.
"Point taken, I can't stand any of them. But let's just say I've had certain… experiences, which makes me think a little differently to how any other Slytherins would. I can relate. Kind of."
"And what exactly would you be relating to?" Draco couldn't help it. He sensed that Blaise had worked something out, and his defence barriers were going up.
Blaise gave him an odd side-ways glance and shook his head, but he didn't say anything. Why did Draco have to be so difficult?
"Look Malfoy, it's pretty clear that Pansy won't be continuing to help you with this bet, and I think you need someone fighting in your corner until it ends. It's also pretty clear that this bet has been messing with your head," he took a deep breath, "okay from here on, our conversation stays between the two of us, unless you want me to hex your balls off. Agreed?"
Draco nodded, feeling very disengaged from the conversation, mainly because he was trying to block it out. It was one thing for him to admit his feelings for any girl, let alone Hermione Granger, the annoying muggleborn he had learnt to dislike since the age of eleven, to himself. It was another thing entirely admitting those feelings out loud. It just made the whole thing seem so much more real, and so much more insane. He didn't think he'd ever be able to put into words how he felt, but he knew he wasn't ready for that yet. Especially if he was talking to Blaise Zabini, someone who he had known pretty much forever but couldn't quite trust for some reason. Then again, there were very few people Draco did trust.
"Okay, well remember that girl I told you about, the one my cousin set me up with in summer?"
"That Reeves girl that you snogged senseless in my front garden and ended up being chased by one of the peacocks? I recall," Draco raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah well, you know what my family's like. They've always been big believers in the Pureblood supremacy thing, and by the end of summer I started getting feelings for this girl. I ended up confiding in my cousin – the biggest bloody mistake ever!"
"Because?"
Blaise's face scrunched up like someone had just thrown a Dungbomb into the room, "as it turns out, the whole thing was a massive prank. The girl was a bloody Squib!"
Draco didn't know whether to laugh or join his friend in the face-pulling antics. He may be a little more lenient when it came to judging muggleborns, mainly because of Hermione, but he still drew the line at Squibs. He settled for an open-mouthed 'are you serious?' look.
Blaise grimaced slightly. "I'm not proud of it mate, believe me."
"Let me get this straight," Draco drawled, "you were with this girl all summer, and it never occurred to you that she never used magic?"
"She was hot, okay! Besides it's not exactly the thing you go out of your way to look out for. Magic's like second nature," Blaise defended, "anyway, that's why I can be a bit more understanding about Granger."
"How?"
"Because I grew up just as prejudiced as you did, and I ended up falling for a Squib when I wasn't aware of her blood-status before hand. After a couple of months of letting that sink in, it's kind of got me thinking that this whole blood belief system is bollocks. Purebloods have better social standings but it doesn't necessarily mean anyone 'beneath' that is bad."
Blaise seemed at a loss for words after that, apparently not knowing how to explain properly. Merlin help Draco if it was a good four months that Blaise had had to think about this and he still didn't know how to say how he felt properly.
"I think I get it," Draco said after he got over the initial shock that Blaise could have feelings for a Squib, "your views on that blood-crap have been altered somewhat so you don't have as much against Hermione as the others do?"
"Exactly!" Blaise said, throwing his hands in the air, "you have a way with words."
"If only…" Draco said quietly to himself.
There was a moment of silence when a thought crossed his mind. He frowned.
"Zabini."
"Hm?"
"Why exactly did you tell me that, you know other than giving me material I can taunt you with for the rest of your life? I get the stuff about wanting to help me with the bet – which really seems like a lost cause at the moment – but why are you bothering to tell me that you can 'accept' Hermione?"
"Honestly Draco, I think you already know the answer. I've been there; I know what the stages are. You're daydreaming, you can't sleep and you felt guilty when she caught you snogging Parkinson."
Draco winced. Crap, he knows. He was adamant that he wasn't going to admit it aloud yet.
"Zabini. Don't you bloody dare-"
"Relax. This conversation stays between us remember? Now we both have dirt on the other – don't bother denying it – so neither of us will blab."
"Er, thanks." Draco said. That was easier than he thought. He was partly expecting a huge interrogation until he admitted his feelings but it never came. That was what Hermione would do he thought. Dammit, stop thinking about her!
"I'm not saying I agree with it, because I sure as hell don't. I understand; that's all. It's your bloody funeral at the end of the day," Blaise shrugged and shuffled back over to his bed.
As Draco settled himself down in his own bed again, two very high-pitched giggles emitted from what he presumed was the common room. He put the pillow over his head in the hopes it would drown out the noise, but it was no use. What a bloody fantastic start to his day this was shaping up to be.
"Are you kidding me? Blaise hissed from his bed, "it's too early to be putting up with this shit."
He threw off the covers and stormed out of the room, wand in hand and still wearing his pyjamas. Draco was not far behind him; maybe a good old-fashioned confrontation would lift his spirits a bit.
His optimism was short-lived when he entered the common room behind Blaise to see Pansy and Daphne sitting side-by-side on a sofa, their duvets wrapped around them. Of course: just the thing to officially round off Christmas Eve morning nicely.
"So you two have made up then?" Draco asked bitterly.
The girls exchanged smug glances, "Looks like it," Daphne smirked.
"Well that's just fine and dandy but do you mind saving your little reunion gossip session until, I don't know, when the bloody sun comes up?" Blaise scowled.
"Aw, lighten up Zabini, this is a happy time," Pansy smiled sickeningly sweetly at him, choosing to ignore Draco, not that he was complaining.
"For you, maybe," he muttered.
Pansy scrutinised him for a moment. It didn't take her long to realise that Draco wasn't exactly in a good mood, so she decided to turn the screw.
"Oh where are my manners? Draco, it's all down to you that Daphne and I are friends again. Thank you, you really opened my eyes to what a tool you are," her smile soon turned into a sneer and she cackled unattractively.
Draco knew better than to rise to it, but that didn't stop her words affecting him. The day had barely started and he already wished it were over. He stood there scowling at the witch for a moment before remembering something that happened yesterday. He still wasn't aware of details, but maybe that could be used to his advantage.
"So you two have been discussing everything that happened yesterday, or say, over the course of the weekend?"
"Oh Draco you know me so well!" Pansy said mockingly.
Draco nodded and turned his attention to Daphne. "Everything?" he reiterated.
"Yeah," Daphne replied. She looked a little confused. Apparently she hadn't caught on where Draco was going with this.
"Great," he drawled, his smile widening. Turning back to Pansy, he continued, "So Parkinson, care to enlighten me about what went on between Greengrass and Potter whilst we were in Hogsmeade? I've been dying to know ever since I caught her getting panicked when he and Hermione were having a private conversation yesterday."
Daphne scoffed, though her eyes had widened in worry, "Don't play that game, Malfoy, you looked just as panicked about Granger. Care to share?"
"Never mind him, what the hell went on with you and Potter?!" Pansy screeched, "I can't believe you'd keep things from me!"
"Personally, I didn't really see this as your business," Daphne shot back.
"Well it should be. Friends should share everything."
"Yeah? Some friend you've been to me over this last week!"
"Can we just skip to the part where you get into a catfight?" Blaise asked eagerly.
"Bite me, Zabini!" Daphne shouted, shooting a knockback jinx at him.
Draco just leant against the doorframe to the dormitories, enjoying this rare moment when the majority of the drama was not centred on him and Hermione. Blaise fell into the wall beside him in a heap, and he picked himself up wearily.
"S'pose I kind of deserved that one," he said, rubbing his head. Draco smirked.
"Look I'm sorry, okay! I've said it a hundred times already, I'm bloody sorry!" Pansy yelled, cowering away slightly as Daphne still had her wand out, and she had left her own in the dormitory.
Draco's eyebrows shot up. He had never seen this side to Parkinson before. She actually looked genuinely remorseful.
"Too little too late," Daphne sniffed. She marched out of the room, appearing a minute later now dressed in clothes instead of her pyjamas and stormed towards the exit.
"Oh Merlin are you going to Potter now?" Pansy asked, "I'm trying to make up with you here!"
"I just… need some time. He's better company than any of you idiots anyway," Daphne flounced off without a backwards glance.
A strange silence hung in the air. The repercussions of the bet were having a much greater impact on them as a group than anyone had originally thought. Draco had no doubt in his mind that once it was over, and once everyone had proven their point and the heat of competition had died down, then the girls would let bygones be bygones and reconcile in no time. But until the bet had officially ended, penalties and all, that was unlikely to happen.
He was stunned at the shameless way Daphne admitted she was going to find Potter. Maybe he should start acting the same way about Hermione. Perhaps his friends were the reason he had been refraining from speaking to her the countless times their paths had crossed yesterday. It probably didn't come across well from her point of view but maybe this was why he had been feeling so stressed. He was tiptoeing around everyone to keep up a persona and it was becoming too much to handle. He's have to take a leaf out of Daphne's book and choose how he wanted to be without worrying what other people thought. He'd surely be happier in the long run.
He realised that this was what Hermione was talking about the other day, and only now did he understand that she was right. Damn her.
"I'm heading out too," he said, going to get changed. When he came back he waved to Blaise and Pansy and headed for the common room door.
"Going to see Granger are you?" Pansy asked, still sounding a little jealous despite everything that happened the day before.
"Yeah, I am," Draco said with as much ease as Daphne had done. It was time for him to talk to her after days of trying to avoid it. She may slap him or point blank refuse to talk to him after yesterday, but he made a promise to himself that he'd make the most of his time with her before it all went to shit, and he was keeping it. He wanted to take her to that Ball to gain a few more stolen hours above any other reason. He had to try, at least. At this point the fact that he'd also win the bet was now more like a bonus prize; the icing on the cake.
Ignoring the way Pansy reacted to the small smile that spread across his lips as he spoke, he left the common room and walked into the Entrance Hall, feeling much better about having been open with his friends. Thank Merlin Blaise had pretty much already said he's fine with it beforehand; it was always nice to have some kind of support.
He stopped walking upon realising he had no clue where Hermione would be. Gryffindor Tower seemed like an obvious possibility, but how would he know if she was even in there, interrogate everyone who came out like some creep? No, there had to be an easier way.
"Malfoy." A voice interrupted Draco's thoughts and he looked up to see Harry Potter stood before him. He groaned.
"What, Potter?"
"I want a word with you," Harry said.
Draco rolled his eyes at the tone of his voice, and the way Potter tried to sound threatening by using a command instead of a question.
"Honestly Potter, I know you're the bloody Git Who Lived but are manners lost on you? Has all of that fame got to your head?"
Harry growled under his breath. What the heck did Hermione see in this ferret?
"Look Malfoy it's about Hermione so if you're just going to be an arse about it-"
"All right, all right keep your scar on, I'm listening," Draco sighed.
Harry gestured for Draco to follow him. They walked in silence until they came across an empty classroom. As it was the holidays there was a lower chance of a teacher arriving and shooing them out before they finished their conversation, so Harry stepped inside.
"Better make this quick, Potter. Greengrass is looking for you," Draco said, walking into the room and closing the door.
Harry tried not to react at the mention of Daphne's name, but he felt a light blush creep onto his cheeks. He sighed when he saw Draco smirk at him, having noticed this.
"Okay, yeah fine," Harry said, "Hermione's told me what happened while you two were in Hogsmeade. I can't for the life of me understand why, but it's bloody obvious that she has," he gulped, "feelings for you," Harry couldn't help but cringe as he said this.
Draco raised an eyebrow, "she told you that, did she?"
Harry shook his head, "but the way she went on about how nice you can be and her reaction to you and Parkinson yesterday pretty much confirms she does."
Draco's heart felt heavy, "Oh Merlin she hasn't taken that to heart has she?"
Harry frowned. It was weird seeing Malfoy acting almost concerned about Hermione. Very weird.
"She's upset but she's trying not to be. She knows you had every right to kiss Parkinson, since you and Hermione weren't going to the Ball together anymore, but I think it made her feel a bit-" Harry paused as he tried to find the right words.
"What?" Draco pushed.
"Used." Harry said finally.
There was a silence and Draco soon became very antsy. He ran a hand through his hair in agitation. He wanted to find Hermione now more than ever.
"So basically I just wanted to ask, why did you suddenly go and kiss Parkinson? I know it's really none of my business and I'd much rather not go into details of your personal life, but since it kind of concerns Hermione, I want to know. For her sake."
Draco sighed. Potter was looking out for Hermione so he'd have to swallow his pride for the time being. "However much of an arse it makes me sound, I can't give you a straight answer on that, Potter. But all I'll say is that Saturday made me realise some things, and yesterday I was confused. It was never my intention to hurt Hermione, nor did I do it as an ego-boost because of the fact that she didn't ki- er, you know," Draco said a little awkwardly, "I just saw Parkinson as a means to confirm some stuff. It was totally idiotic in hindsight, but I'm the kind of guy who runs on impulse."
"Yeah you made that bloody obvious," Harry muttered, "So why have you been avoiding her?"
"You know, I'd much rather be having this conversation with Hermione instead of you."
Harry nodded, "I get that but I'm just looking out for her."
"Okay," Draco said. Potter and his bloody hero-complex again, "anything else before I go and find her?"
"Just one," Harry took a step closer to Draco and looked him dead in the eye, "If you make it up with her, just give me your word that you won't lead her on or embarrass her like you did yesterday. I don't want you making any more moves or advances on her unless you know you've got the feelings and the balls to back it up. I want the Quaffle completely in her court, you understand?"
"Really, a Quidditch analogy for the least sporty girl in our year?" Draco cocked an eyebrow but the humour faded from his face when he saw Harry's eyes flare.
Harry chose to ignore him and carried on, "she's been hurt by you enough over the years Malfoy, whether it was always intentional or not. You and I will never be friends, but I'm not going to stand in the way if Hermione likes you like I think she does. Just be sensitive of the fact that she's really new to this whole 'feelings' stuff."
"Yeah she made that pretty clear to me," Draco said, "I'll make sure to keep that in mind." Even before this conversation had begun he'd planned to do just that and refrain from initiating anything again, until the bet was over and when Hermione was ready. As soon as penalties were done, that would mark a time where he could start on a clean slate with her, and he would have to worry about being eaten alive by guilt of all of the lies that he felt after almost kissing her the other day.
Harry nodded, "Good. Because if you break her heart, I've already made sure she'll punch you again."
Draco winced at the memory and turned to leave the room. "So many violent Gryffindors," he muttered under his breath.
"Oh Potter," he said, turning back, "any idea where Hermione is?"
"Any idea where Daphne is?" Harry countered before he had time to fully think it through.
The two wizards silently regarded one another in a standoff much like the one Draco had with Daphne the previous day. Neither of them spoke, except to answer the other's question.
"She might've gone up to your common room since she's looking for you," said Draco.
"If she's not in the library, she'll be in the grounds somewhere. Probably near the lake, it's quiet there." Harry explained.
"It's the bloody middle of winter!"
Harry shrugged, "fresh air helps her clear her head when she's stressed. She practically lives outdoors when summer exams come around."
"Thanks Potter, I'll remember that," said Draco sincerely, "Oh, and you have my word that I won't do anything else. Anything that may happen between Hermione and me from now will be down to her, I assure you. And if there comes a time where I mess up again or hurt her, I can say now that it'll be a damn good reason behind it; that is, I'll think things through better."
The two of them stared at each other blankly for a few seconds more before Draco turned and left. He paused again as he entered the Entrance Hall, debating whether to go to the lake or the library first. Whilst Hermione had said the library was her favourite place, Draco was pretty sure she'd be stressed, in which case she'd be at the lake, so that's where he headed.
Hermione shivered and drew her cloak closer around her body. Her eyes were looking at the rippling water as the breeze grazed the surface, but her mind was elsewhere. She read a measly ninety pages of her book before those words entered her head again, and she wondered if they had been connected to whatever issue Draco was then, and possibly still was now, dealing with. That is, if she hadn't just imagined the whole thing.
She heard snow crunching behind her, signalling someone's approach. She presumed the person to be Harry, Ron or Ginny, so she didn't bother turning. The person stopped beside her as if waiting for her to acknowledge their presence: apparently it wasn't any of her three friends.
Hermione turned her head. She didn't have to look up to see who it was; the polished shoes were enough to confirm their identity. She bit her lip, not quite sure how she should act since she was feeling a plethora of things towards the wizard in her company in that moment. She decided not to say anything yet.
Draco was a little perturbed by Hermione's reaction, but he masked it well. He began to take his cloak off so he had something to sit on to avoid having to be directly against the snow.
Noticing this, Hermione asked, "What are you doing?"
Taking her words out of context, Draco sniffed in annoyance. Had he really ticked her off that much that she didn't even want him here? "I was just-"
"There's no need for you to freeze to death when there's a perfectly good blanket right here," Hermione patted the thick blanket that she was sitting on and scooched up a bit so there was room for him to sit down. She gave him a quick half-smile. The smile didn't travel to her eyes, but it was still a smile.
Draco took a seat beside her, making sure to keep his arms together in front of his body. There was little space between them and if he sat any other way their arms would be constantly touching, and both of them felt awkward enough as it was. They didn't need physical contact making it worse.
"Thanks," Draco said.
"Don't mention it," she replied indifferently, "look I was going to come and find you but, I'm just confused and I didn't want to take something the wrong way and look like an idiot if I brought it up."
"Understandable."
"Draco, why have you been so distant with me?" Hermione's voice was suddenly unsteady. She kept her gaze firmly on the lake for fear that she'd burst into tears if she looked at the wizard beside her. As much as she wanted to yell and scream at him for kissing Parkinson, she just couldn't do it, and if she did it would be unnatural and forced. What he did was uncalled for, but he looked so guilty when she found them that Hermione wondered if it was more to do with his issues he explained on Saturday rather than an ego-boost. He had looked guilty that day, too.
"Well you said you wanted some space while I figured some stuff out."
"And have you?"
Draco nodded. He knew all of the answers as to why he freaked out after the almost-kiss, and he now knew that he had feelings for Hermione. That much was emphasised even more by the fact that she was layered up much more than necessary, had her hair tied back in a messy ponytail and a make-up free face, and Draco thought she looked beautiful. It was more than how she looked; she was confident in her own skin, and that was a big part of beauty in Draco's eyes.
"That's good… are you able to tell me why you aren't comfortable with what I said to Dobby? You said some stuff about not being able to live up to what I said about you but where did that insecurity come from? I stand by what I said that I don't want to push you but it just worried me seeing you so open like that."
Draco froze. He should have known that question was coming next and he had no idea how to tackle it. The main reason was of course, down to the guilt about the lies of the means that their friendship originated, but he couldn't tell her that. Not yet. Nor could he admit his true feelings until after the bet. He refused to lie again, so he'd have to be as honest as he could with her. She deserved that much after how much of an arse he'd been.
"There are a couple of reasons," he said. Against his better judgement he reached out and touched Hermione's cold cheek, turning her head so that she was facing him before he continued. "I only feel comfortable sharing one of them with you for now. The time isn't right for you to know everything."
Hermione couldn't help feeling disheartened that he was still holding something back from her. "Okay, I trust your judgement on that," she said, meeting his grey eyes with her brown. She noticed Draco wince slightly at her words, but she wasn't in much of a position to push him on every little detail. She was just thankful she was getting any explanation at all.
"Well what I can tell you is actually the same thing I refrained from discussing whilst we were at the Three Broomsticks, when you asked oh so politely why I have a need to one-up you all the time," he raised an eyebrow and Hermione smiled, "ever since our first year results were sent out – you remember they posted a huge list of the whole year's scores highest to lowest - my parents have been putting pressure on me to beat your exam results and 'put you in your place' as it were. I kept trying my best to better you, but I had to settle with only being as good as; you're too bloody smart! I've never felt good enough for my own parents, which is why I didn't exactly appreciate your actions. It was just too much pressure, and I don't think I can live up to what you were saying."
Hermione gasped softly at Draco's revelation, which for once was the complete truth. She wasn't expecting it to be quite so personal, and she was surprised that Draco could confide in her. On the other hand, it did worry her to a degree that there was still something he was yet to tell her, and that was probably bigger than this. Hermione gulped.
"Oh gosh, Draco, I'm so sorry. I never meant what I said in a bad way. I hope you know that."
"I don't blame you or want your pity Hermione, there wasn't any way you could've known," Draco said, turning his head away. He took a deep breath, "and I hope you know that I never meant to hurt you by kissing Parkinson. However bad it makes me look, it really meant nothing. I had an ulterior motive, you see, and let's just say I've never been one to assess a plan of action beforehand. As soon as I get an idea I just go with it, and more often than not, I end up in the shit, like now."
"Why am I not surprised?" Hermione asked, nudging his arm with hers. Draco flinched a little at the contact but Hermione didn't seem to notice. She knew she should judge Draco immensely for the fact that he didn't kiss Pansy purely because he wanted to, if indeed, he wanted to at all, but she couldn't help feeling relieved that his Slytherin mind had played some part in yesterday's events. Merlin, had she really felt jealous about Parkinson?!
"Is this ulterior motive another secret of yours?" she joked.
"Yes," Draco sighed. Hermione's expression fell.
"Oh," she said. She didn't quite know what to make of that information, "Well if the kiss yesterday meant nothing then that rules out the possibility of it being about Parkinson, so –"
"Why do you care so much what my motive was? You don't even like Parkinson," Draco snapped in a panic.
Hermione's eyes narrowed slightly, "Well perhaps it's because it crossed my mind that you could have had the same motive when you almost kissed me! Whether I like Pansy or not, that doesn't excuse the fact that what you did to her was downright cruel and selfish."
Draco winced at the harsh truth of her words hit home. He liked to think he masked his reaction well, though. If only she knew the truth…
"I don't know if you'll believe this, but for what it's worth, there was no ulterior motive when I tried to kiss you on Saturday," Draco said. He watched as Hermione's eyes widened slightly in surprise. He just as good as told her he liked her, but whether she picked up on that message, he didn't know.
Hermione's judgement told her that this was a lie to worm his way out of his own screw-up, but she knew it was far more plausible for it to be true. This wasn't so much as Draco kissing her, as it was a Pureblood kissing a muggleborn; she didn't think there would be a motive big enough for someone like Draco to put his whole individual and familial reputation on the line like that. It had to be genuine…
"I know I should have spoken to you sooner about this but everything's just piling up and it's a bit much to deal with all at once. Know what I mean?" Draco cut across her thoughts.
Hermione nodded, "Yeah. That's kind of why I ran off like I did on Saturday. I'm sorry I did that; I shouldn't have left you when you were so distraught."
"I shouldn't have tried to kiss you. It was after that when I started getting worked up. I s'pose that was a bit of a reality check; it was my own bloody fault that happened. All of this is my fault." He leant his arms on his knees and buried his head into them.
"Hey!" Hermione said firmly. She pulled one of his arms away so she could see his face. "If you really think about it, things only started going downhill when I pushed you away."
Draco scoffed, "you can't blame yourself for not kissing me; that's ridiculous. You didn't have to."
"I guess," said Hermione. She pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her chin on them. That sentence floated through her mind once more. I feel pressured by what you said because I don't bloody deserve you! She gasped. After her conversation with Draco, it was now very possible that he did say that. She glanced over to him. He looked kind of defeated, almost sad. This wasn't the time or the place to bring it up, so she held her tongue.
"I suppose we should talk properly about that almost-kiss, huh?" he said after a long pause. She seemed a little on edge because he didn't detail what his motive was. Maybe it was time to confess everything; he was juggling way too many secrets and withheld information at the moment.
"We don't have to talk about everything right now."
Draco shrugged, "I'd kind of prefer it if we did. The quicker we get past this, the better. I'm really not used to all of this heart-to-heart talk."
Hermione knew he'd kill her if he saw the pitiful look she was giving him, but she couldn't help it. It was so strange seeing him wear his heart on his sleeve like this.
"Draco," she said softly, putting her hand over his. He didn't have the energy to shake her off, but he was all too aware of the emotional feelings he was having as well as the physical at the touch.
"Hm?"
"I don't think that's a good idea. Merlin knows you're emotionally drained enough as it is, and bringing up the kiss can also bring up, well, a much deeper topic," she blushed slightly, finally getting an inkling of what Draco meant when he said he had no motive when he kissed her. He didn't see her cheeks tint pink as his gaze was fixed on the water, "I can't say for sure how either of us would handle that, and I don't want to have this conversation so close to Christmas. Knowing us, it probably wouldn't move very smoothly," she laughed half-heartedly.
"I realise that Hermione," Draco said, finally mustering the inner-strength to brush her hand away, "but-"
She held up a hand, "If you really want to discuss this, can't it wait one more day, for when Christmas is gone and the Yule Ball's over with? Call me sentimental but I plan on being happy tomorrow. I don't want to be worrying or having any arguments about you or us or whatever you want to call it."
Draco smirked. He nodded his head, feeling very relieved that she wanted to hold off this discussion. He wasn't entirely sure how much he was hoping to gain by explaining why he kissed Pansy. He wasn't ready to tell her how he felt, but maybe some part of him had been hoping to find out where she stood as well. She as good as told him she liked him too on Saturday but there was never a clear confirmation. Oh well, it really was for the best that they postpone any more deep conversations until after the Ball, when Draco could talk to her with a clear conscience, like his original plan.
"So Hermione, would you say we know each other a little better now?" He said with a toothy grin.
"After that conversation? Definitely!" she said, "why?"
"In that case, what do you say you be my date for the Ball again?"
Hermione frowned before realising what he was doing. She'd said a load of stuff about the kiss and them going to the Ball being weird because they hardly knew each other.
She smirked, "is that what you call an invitation? I would expect better from the Draco Malfoy."
He rolled his eyes but played along with her little game. He stood up, put one hand over his heart and held the other out with his arm extended, gesturing towards her. He looked like a bad Shakespearean actor, but Hermione had pretty much dropped herself in this, so she just let him get on with it.
"Hermione Granger," Draco said loudly, "small Gryffindor bookworm with frizzy hair and an insufferable need to meddle. Would you give me, the ravishingly handsome and charming Slytherin, Draco Malfoy, the honour, of accompanying me to the Yule Ball tomorrow night?"
"If I say yes would you shut up and stop embarrassing me?" Hermione said, standing up too and smacking Draco's arm.
Draco raised an eyebrow and continued to speak in his loud voice, "not to mention that she is bloody unnecessarily violent." Hermione glared at him and he laughed, dropping his hands. When he next spoke his voice was normal, "Oh come on, lighten up. No-one's even around."
"Idiot," she said, though she didn't really mean it.
"So, what do you say?"
She sighed and threw her arms open wide, "Yes! I accept your invitation, Draco Malfoy – snarky, self-righteous Slytherin ferret whom never fails to wind me up at every bloody chance he gets!"
Draco cringed, "Okay I get your point, just shut up will you."
"Glad I made myself clear," Hermione smiled.
Draco rolled his eyes, "Well I don't know about you, but I'm bloody freezing so I'm heading back inside."
"Okay, hang on," Hermione said, gathering up her belongings.
The two of them walked side-by-side back up to the castle; both of them feeling considerably more festive now that they'd talked some things through and that they hadn't ended up losing each other's friendship like they both presumed they would after Saturday. They spent the remainder of Christmas Eve together, blissfully unaware of how brief their reconciliation would actually be.
To be continued…
A/N: As much as I wanted to write a huge confrontation here, Hermione had a bit of a guilty conscience too so it wouldn't have worked that well, especially with the fact that Draco kissed Pansy when they were technically 'single'. It was probably fine but I've read this chapter too many times to take note of how it would translate to readers anymore.
Okay I'm just going to go curl up in bed with some hot chocolate to watch AVPM now :)
P.S - currently writing the Ball now ;) and the next chapter won't be so intense - promise!