shedreamsincolour is responsible for this mess.
.
What am I supposed to do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay
I'm falling to pieces
.
The Script - Breakeven
- Hello.
It's soft like her face, like her blue eyes, like her skin, like her soul. All soft and warm, and him, he is just cold and harsh. He never deserved her but he can't help but think that she should be his. Can't help but think that she is made for him, she is the exact piece which completes him.
- Hello, sweetheart.
She sits next to him, on the bench and he can't help but stare at her perfection. She has been his, he had had her heart in his hand and he had screwed up. As always. It had been so long since they had seen each other, he knows she has a good job, he knows she has a fucking fiancé. He knows because everybody in this fucking town seems to want to rub her happiness in his face .
- How are you, Nik ?
His nickname rolls naturally of her tongue. He remembers a time when he thought she would call him Nik forever. Why does she keep calling him this nickname ?
- I'm fine. You ?
He tries, he really tries to smile but it does not reach his eyes. She sees it, the unhappiness in his demeanor. She wants to ask about their friends, how they are, if they are happy, if someone is happy around here.
- Everything is perfect, I have never expected the enterprise to work so well and I have a lot of clients and it is working so well.
- I'm glad, you deserve it. Remember when you wanted to organize the beauty queen thing ?
They both chuckle.
- It is all in the past.
He lowers his head, the smile no longer on his face.
- Right, he says in a breath.
She smiles, lowering her eyes. She is so afraid of him now, what he might do, what he might say, how he will break her all over again. He is cautious around her, she sees it. He is calm, collected, not high. She does not know what he is expecting but there is surely something he is looking for and she does not want to give him false hope.
- So how is Tyler ?
- Nik, we don't have to tal-
- It's okay. I want to know about you, he's your fiancé, what affect him affects you. So please, enlighten me.
He is smiling but he just wants to scream. He is not okay, he hates the mutt, wants to tear him limb from limb. But he knows the bastard is giving her everything she has always dreamt of. Who is he to stop it ? Who ?
- His business is going well, his boss is okay with him, I guess and he works a lot. But we need that because of the house, you know. We all have responsibilities.
She has a small laugh at the end of the sentence, like it is a joke among them. Except it is not a joke because Nik does not know what she is talking about. Him and Stefan live together, paying with the money they always seem to find. His only responsibility is Bekah and she already has Elijah and Finn and Kol. So no, Caroline, I do not know what you are talking about. He puts his hand in his pockets, finds his lighter, his cigarettes and lights it. He closes his eyes. Jesus, he is so close to lashing out, he has to stay calm.
- Well, that's good. He takes good care of you.
- Yes, he does, she adds softly, looking at him under her eyelashes.
It is too much already, he hears the silent likeyounevercould and it makes him crazy.
- I have somewhere else to be, it was nice talking to you.
He looks at his feet and gets up, he has so many things to say to her and at the same time, he knows that it will change nothing. They can't be together, she does not want him anymore, she has this Tyler. And what does he win out of this mess ? Pain, drugs. You know how to make a deal, boy. He laughs a little, shaking his head. He is a bloody mess.
- Nik, are you alright ?
The concern is present on her face and he wants to yell at her that no he is not okay, that she has fucking broken his heart, that he is miserable, that all their friends are a mess and that nothing will ever be okay again. But he can't because he still loves her and wants her to be happy.
- I'm having the bloody time of my life, Caroline. Good bye.
She watches his back disappearing in the dark and she can't stop the tears that fall from her eyes. They loved each other so much that it hurt. She remembers the way he looked at her, eyes full of love, of admiration. He is just full of pain now when he is looking at her. They are a mess, she knows it is all her fault, she fucking knows. She remembers how she thought they will be together forever, that he was her one true love, that he was the best thing in life, that she couldn't breathe without him. She remembers when all she saw was sunny days, all she heard was laughter, all she felt was him.
- Give me that, dickhead, laughs the young men with auburn hair.
- Stefan, my friend, where are your manners for Christ sake ?
Stefan laughs and takes from his friend's hand the bottle of beer. He opens it and takes a gulp before closing his eyes, listening to his friend's laugh.
- I'm so good here, Nik.
Nik takes a drag of his cigarette, his greenish eyes wondering on their apartment. What are you doing at this second, Caroline ?
- And where the fuck is Matt anyway ?
- I'm here but please, keep complaining about my absence. It makes me feel more desired, answers the blonde man, closing the door.
- Hello mate, greats Nik, handing him a beer as Stefan gives Matt the finger.
- Fuck you, I was enjoying the calm and the intelligence which flows here when you aren't, well, here, tries to explain Stefan.
- Try again this thing with intelligence ?
Nik and Matt start laughing as Stefan takes another drag of his joint, a smile on his face.
- So, where were you ?
- I was working. I know your useless asses seem to not be able to move from this shithole but some of us need money. And what are you laughing at, asshole ?
Stefan just laughs more, shaking his head.
- I am just thinking how it is Tuesday.
The three boys start laughing.
- Man, I could use your shit right now, says Matt, falling on the sofa next to Nik.
- You just have to ask, replies Nik, handing him a cigarette.
- Well, thank you, my lord.
- Fuck you, Donovan. And stop staring at my sister, adds Nik louder, smirking as Rebekah enters the room.
The pearls in her hair have lost a little of their colour, but her blond hair are still full of pink, yellow, orange, blue, green, bright colours. Her skin is tanned and she wears her jean short with holes.
His baby sister had so much grown up this year, losing Vicky, leaving Stefan, she had lost herself and he did not have been here for her, too focused on his fucking self. He drinks at that, failure to be a good brother. That's what you are, asshole, get over yourself.
- Nik, do not be rude. Matty can stare all he wants. Isn't that right, boy ?
Nik rolls his eyes as his sister sits on his laps.
- What do you want, Bekah ?
- Just to be with my big brother. Is that against the law ?
She smiles sweetly at him, blue eyes mirroring his, pain not so much different.
- Of course not, Bekkie but please, some of us can't stand your slutiness.
- Oh Stefan, don't be like this baby, you just wish you were lucky.
She smiles at him, this smile which crept under his skin and he already hates himself for lowering his eyes and taking on another breath of his joint.
- Lucky to have enough money to pay you, you mean ?
Her smile does not lower but he can see her eyes hardening. He wounds her, it is enough. She does not answer to this but she wants so hard to tell him. Tell him everything that makes him hate her is a lie, it is just a mask, that she was real with him. But she won't lower herself, she won't break and he is going to find a good girl. A girl who did not run away with her brother, who did not stop high school, who are not grieving, who is not lost, who is not high half the time. A girl he deserves. So she lets her eyes fall on her brother's curls.
- Can you give me money, Nik ?
He reaches his back pocket of his jeans and gives her all he has.
- It is all I have.
She kisses his cheeks, he feels her forehead on his temple and closes his eyes for a second. I love you, sister, so much and I am sorry to have let you struggle alone with this shit. She gets up, smiling, brightening like the princess she is.
- Bye guys. Hope you go to hell, Stefan.
It is the same sympathetic tone she uses for the two greeting and she is gone. Stefan takes the bottle of Whiskey, he wants to burn his brain, to forget all of it, to make her disappear, her and her smiles and her blonde locks and her blue eyes and her freckles and her snarky comments which wound so much, make all which make her who she is disappear from his head. Burn it all.
- You better stop talking to my sister like this, mate.
They are staring in each other's eyes and Stefan can see that if Nik has to choose, it will be Bekah. It is always going to be her. He nods, pursing his lips before taking a gulp of whiskey, it burns all the way and he wishes it was his brain burning.
- So who will play against me ? asks Matt, remote in hand.
- Be my guest, answers Nik, taking a remote, smirk on his face.
Matt huffs, he won't win against Nik. The man can't seem to bear to loose and as if it was not enough that all the girls wanted him, he was skilled at Playstation. Life is freaking unfair ! Music starts going out of the speakers and Matt and Nik turn their head to Stefan.
- What ?
They roll their eyes at the same time and go back to the screen.
- You and your reggae shit, says Matt shaking his head.
Stefan falls on the armchair before pointing his finger at his friends.
- It's good shit and you perfectly fucking know it. Christ, I need to get shit faced drunk.
- Talk about some news, mate, murmurs Nik.
Because it is all they seem to do, nowadays.
- We can't all be some happy shit like Matty here, he mutters before pouring whiskey in a glass.
The two men are already playing so Stefan's insult stays unanswered.
- Well, I see someone is in his funny mood today. Hello boys.
- Hello Bonnie, they all answer.
She kisses their cheek and sits on Stefan's armrest.
- Give a girl a beer ?
He smiles and catches one on the other side of the armchair.
- Here you are, Bonnie sweetie.
She smiles, mouths a Thank you. She waits, waits, waits, plays with her hair, hums a song, waits.
- So Nik, news of Kol ?
Nik is entrenched in his game but the question makes him practically turning his head.
- What did he do ?
- Nothing, stats Bonnie. Jesus, can you keep your cool, all of you ? When was the last time we had a good time ? We should go out together, us, Kol, Jeremy and Anna, Katherine. It would be fun !
- Waa ! So you really are bored, right ? I mean, you want to hang out with the happy couple here ?
Bonnie rolls her eyes, Matt is so not helping.
- Matt, remember the last time, we ask for your advice ?
Matt swears as Nik smiles victoriously.
- I win and Bonnie makes you shut your trap. Really not your day, mate.
Nik smiles, tapping gently on Matt's shoulder.
- Salvatore, you and me, man to man, says Matt, very seriously.
Stefan scoffs but extends his hand nevertheless. Time to kick ass.
- So ? what about my idea ?
But Matt and Stefan are already fighting over whose team is going to kick the ass of the other and Nik is gone in the kitchen. She has to convince one of the two brooding roommates. She gets up and goes to the kitchen. She stays at the doorstep, observing Nik making a pizza. She remembers a time when Caroline was with them, sitting on the counter, adding things she loved on the pizza, kissing him on the neck, cheerleading for him when they played the games console, changing Stefan's reggae to her music. She remembers a time when Nik was alone in the kitchen, a satisfied smile on the lips. Now, he is just a man making pizza, nothing else.
- How is Kol ?
She shrugs, smiles a little and comes next to him.
- No news since he is gone with Jeremy and Anna on the road two days ago. But I am not worried. It's Kol.
She shrugs again and smiles. She sees his brown eyes, his smiles, his beauty spots, she hears his laugh, his voice. He is all she loves, bad and good.
- I am going to call him, he says.
She shrugs, not really preoccupied. Jer and he are like twins and Anna is a good girl. Plus, she can't stand Kol when he doesn't have what he wants, he is such a child. She smiles at her thoughts.
- Kol loves a good adventure.
- That is what he loves.
His eyes are smiling a little and she knows he is talking about her.
- I am not an adventure, you pig.
His smile is less teasing and softer.
- You are a keeper, you Bonnie Bennett.
She tries, she really tries to not smile fondly but these words warm her heart.
- You are such a flirt, Nik.
She pauses, waiting he has put the pizza in the oven.
- Can you please talk to Stefan ? I really want this thing for all of us. We need and deserve it.
He bows a little.
- If it is what our Queen wishes.
She throws a punch in his shoulders and they leave the kitchen, laughing.
- I am fucking hungry, shouts Stefan from the sofa.
His hair is a mess and he has this crazy look in the eyes, never leaving the screen.
- Nik made a pizza, calm down, child, jokes Bonnie.
- If I was not busy at kicking Matt's ass, you wouldn't have said that Bennett and you know it.
- I am not afraid of you, she laughs.
She looks at her boys, her family and sighs. She loves them so much, all of them but she knows they are falling apart. Caroline has already left them and they are not as closer as before but she can put them together, the ones who are still here. Nik sits in the armchair because the sofa is for the player, first rule of this apartment. She has good memories everywhere she looks because they had party here and they eat here and all of us, in a moment of their life, had lived here. Because it is more than four walls, it is where they go when they have the impression that the world is failing them. She looks at her phone, a text of Katherine. "Where are you, bitch ? I am freaking bored." She smiles and shakes her head. "Come." She goes sit on Nik's laps and takes off her boots.
- Do you like my socks ?
She raises her foot in the air to let Nik have a better look. He finishes lighting his cigarette before looking at it.
- They are colorful.
He has hesitated on the last word but he is smiling and it is all that matters. She responds by her own smile and pays attention of the screen. They are playing the soccer game and she is trying to find which is Matt's and which one is Stefan, according to the scream and the laughs. Nik takes his phone and puts it on his ear.
- Hello fuckers ! Since when Katherine is not invited at one of the party ?
Her curls are all over her face, she wears a tiny, tiny, tiny jean short and a t-shirt. She is perfect, beautiful, smiling like nothing can touch her.
- Since you don't need invitation to come, answers Stefan, not taking his eyes away from the screen.
- I love hearing you tell me that, Stef, she winks.
Katherine falls between the two men on the sofa. She was never one to care about rules and nobody will tell her anything. She has participated to buy the fucking couch, she can sleep here if she wants.
- Kol ?
- Yo Nik. Need something ?
As always, his brother seems happy.
-Where the fuck are you ?
- Jer found this fucking cute little puppy, we are trying to find food for him. Do you think Winner is a good name ?
Kol wants a real answer to that because he is Kol, his innocent older joyful careless brother.
-I don't care.
- Don't be rude, asshole. I am bringing the little shit at home.
-You think that is the f-
- Relax, Nik. I am coming back in two days okay ?
He hears the silent calmdown behind these words.
- Yeah, all right.
- And get laid, you are fucking grumpy.
- Fuck you, bro.
Kol laughs before hanging up Nik glares at the phone before putting it in his pocket. That fucker.
- What's up with the pixie ? asks Kat.
- Just being an asshole, says Nik before getting up brusquely, throwing Bonnie on the floor.
- What the f- Shit, the pizza ! screams Bonnie.
They run in the kitchen and Nik is already putting it on the counter. They are looking at it for some time before Nik sighs.
- Well we can still eat the thing. But I am going to call Pizza Shit to bring something.
He takes the pizza and goes to the living room. Katherine and Bonnie stay in the kitchen.
- When was the last time you were here ?
- Two weeks ago, answers Katherine, taking a sip on her beer.
- Before, you would have said that you did not leave since a week.
Kat lowers his head, she feels ashamed. Ashamed to be with them when Elena is not, ashamed to not enjoying it.
- I know.
They stay silent because this home is full of memories which make them nostalgic and happy and sad and smiling.
- It's been a year since, you know,
- I know, Kat. I know.
- I can't find the moment when all started.
When we fell appart.
- I think it's when Vicky died and then Caroline started wanting more than us. Then Rebekah and Stefan were over, Caroline gone as Elena and it just.. it just..
- It has torn us apart.
- Yeah.
They fall again in the silence, each one trying to find the moment when it has slipped from their hands, when they are starting to grow strangers to each other. What is their fault in this mess ?
- What's wrong ?
It's Nik. Again.
- You are not supposed to play at a moment ?
He rolls his eyes, smirk on the face.
- Those fuckers don't know how to score properly, he yelled.
- Fuck you ! yelled back Stefan and Matt.
Nik smiles and looks at them, with his mad look, the look he has when he is getting pissed off.
- Don't come if it makes you sad. I have already said that to each one of you. And I hate repeating myself.
- Don't fucking act like that, snaps Kat, putting her bottle on the counter, standong in front of him.
- Katherine, warns Bonnie, feeling the storm coming.
They are always doing that, screaming at each other those truthful lies, hurting the other to feel better.
- Act like what ?
Here we go. He could not have let it slip because he is Niklaus Mikaelson and a Mikaelson does not escape a dare, a Mikaelson does not escape the fight. Fuck that.
- Act like it's normal that Care is with this fucker and not with us ! Like it's fucking perfect if Stefan and Rebekah are heartbroken over each other ! Like it's fucking perfect that my sister left town with Damon Fucking Salvatore because he knocked her up ! Like it's freaking amazing that Vicky is dead ! Like it's the best we could have and that we should be happy with what fate has brought us ! she yells.
Kat do not do things easily, she hits where it hurts, Nik has this scowl on the face which says all, says it is his time to talk, says the words had hit their target.
- I did not ask for any of this shit, I did not ask for your unhappiness, of all of you but if you are not happy with your life here, go Kat, go conquer them all. But no, Katie, you can't cause you are stuck here with heartbroken idiots, withe sad brothers, with sad sisters, with fucked up epeople ! You are just like us, you had your chance and you screwed it so why don't you take a beer, put your ass on the couch and try to enjoy the little things ?
He glares at her and leaves the kitchen.
- Well, it can't get worst, tries Bonnie.
Katherine rolls her eyes, her face still hard from the fight. This son of bitch knows where it hurts.
- He needs to know and, I guess, I needed to know too.
- But why tempting him like that ? You know he is just waiting for the moment to snap.
- Since day one, all we can do is scream at each other and laugh. If he needs someone to hurt and to scream at, it is okay, he can give it his best shot. But I also have the right to scream at him and hurt him. I need it and he needs it too.
- It is unhealthy, Kat.
- It is what keeps me going sometimes. I need to be mean to someone, I need to let all this fucking anger goes somewhere and I can't kill Damon so I guess yelling to Nik help. We always forgive each other in the end.
She leaves the kitchen, letting Bonnie deal with what happen in the last minutes. She is going to be shit faced drunk, Nik is right, they are all here because they let their chance pass.
- We need to enjoy the little things, she murmurs before going in the living room.
Later, when Katherine and she are dancing on the table, laughing out loud, Bonnie does not think about Nik's tears, about Vicky's funeral, about Elena's resigned face. She thinks about Caroline's smile, Kol's jokes, Stefan and Matt's arguments about music. She thinks happiness and can't help but smiles.
- Do you think it's going to be our life forever ? asks Stefan
Nik sighs and shrugs. They are lying on the roof, staring at the sky, sharing a joint.
- I don't know. It seems that we can live here forever, yes but, I don't know if it is the best we should want.
- I am not a happy fucker but it does not hurt to stay like that.
This numbness, in the first months, was the only thing which did not hurt. The numbness was all he was looking for. The numbness protected him, cutting all the ties from reality. Numbness was perfection at first.
- I hear you, mate, I hear you.
- Shit, I miss Vicky.
They close their eyes and can see her green eyes, the way she smiled with this light in the eye when she was up to no good, the way she hugs them like a monkey, the way she could not stand the silence (there was already the silence her parents had left in her life), the way her and Bekah would whisper for hours, the way all her bracelets move, the way she lived.
- She knew how to have fun.
- I feel like I am a century or shit like that, Stefan says, putting his hand on his face.
- We are only twenty-four and it's like we are already too old.
The sentence resonates in the air like a sentence for death in a trial. They stay silent, listening to the TV sounds, to Bonnie and Katherine laughs, to Matt's snores.
- Swimming, man !
- What ?
Nik turns his head toward Stefan.
- We should go swimming !
- Now ?
- Fuck yes !
They jump in front of the door and enter the room.
- All right, ladies, what do you think about a swim ?
Nik kicks a little Matt's feet who immediately wakes up.
- What the fuck ?
- You want to go swimming ? asks Nik, a malicious expression on his face.
Matt lets his mouth open wild as Bonnie and Kat screams in excitement.
- Go, go, go ! screams Stefan, clapping his hands.
- Look at this excited fucker ! comments Nik.
- Fuck you ! Both of you ! swears Stefan pointing his fingers.
- Are we going or what ? intervenes Kat, hands on her hips.
- Hell yes ! they agreed.
- Hello Nik.
He closes his eyes for a second, praying it is not her. But when he turns around, it's her. Of course, it is her. Of course. It has been eight months since she has left and he has to see her twice in less than twenty-four hours.
- Hi.
She sees his pupils and she wants to cry. His mistress is here, she has won, she has taken him from her. She takes a deep breath, Nik is high.
- You had a good night ?
- Yeah, very cool. Bonnie, Matt and Kat came to hang out with us. They still are at home. I am buying stuff to eat. I am fucking hungry.
He smiles, his dimples showing and she really, really wants to cry because he is fucking perfect and beautiful and flawed and she does not know how she had found the strength to leave him, to leave their life, their family. She does not know.
- How is everyone ?
- well, Elena is still away with Dickhead Salvatore, Bonnie is with Kol who returns tomorrow from his trip with Jeremy and Anna, Katherine still does nothing, Matt works at the Grill and Vicky is still dead. Happy stuff, you know.
He shrugs, a smile on his face. He does not know what he is saying, he just knows he should not have said that. She wants to scream, how can he do this to her ? Why is he doing this to her ? Does he want to hurt her so bad ? Has he stop caring for her ? He looks at his casket, thinking at what he is going to eat.
- And how are Stefan and Rebekah ?
Because if two people can get through this mess, it is them.
- Heartbroken, it is when you feel like nothing will ever be okay again, like you are angry and sad all the time like you thi-
- I know how it feels, she whispers, thinking what he had just said. What happened to them ?
What happens to us ? She wants to ask but she already knows. So nobody is happy anymore. He laughs, she knows nothing, she just plays.
- Survivor Syndrom.
She cannot believe he said it is her fault. She knows he did not say it like out loud but it is the same thing because she fucking knows him like the back of her hand. And he knows that she knows and he did ot on purpose. Or not, he is high.
- Whatever, I have friends to feed. Good bye, my love.
He leaves before she can correct him. I am not your love anymore, boy. I am not yours anymore.
When Nik comes home, he is a mess. They all see it but nobody comments. Because they know exactly that Caroline is the cause, that Nik's heart is still in her hands and she keeps crushing it.
- I am making breakfast Nik, Kat tells, taking the bags with her.
- Like you know how to cook, smirks Stefan, following nevertheless in the kitchen.
Bonnie falls next to Nik on the couch and nudges his shoulder with her.
- Hi.
She smiles a little, her eyes sparkling.
- Hi yourself, he whispers back.
- It is going to be okay, Nik. The hurt will fade.
He does not acknowledge her but she sees the way his body tenses. He is hurt, he is still bleeding.
- Where is Matt ?
- He has to go, he works today.
- Oh okay.
He is staring hard at the wall, trying to keep the tears away. He have been an asshole grade A with Caroline, she will hate him forever, it is sure now. He has been waiting for their encounter like a man dying of thirst for water. And he has screwed up, big time. It is finished, there is nothing left of them. What is the point of happiness if you are going to crave for it all your life ? It has been screwed up by himself, he is an asshole. He lets his head fall back, he needs a drink, a smoke, some weed, maybe cocaine. He is screwed. He gets up, grabs the whiskey and drinks at the bottle.
- Don't start, Nik.
- Don't, Bonnie.
He takes a joint on the coffee table, lit it and goes toward the kitchen.
- What are you doing, dickheads ?
Stefan comes to him and takes a little of joint.
- Making pancakes. You ?
- I want to get so high, I will touch the stars.
Stefan and Nik laugh as Kat mixes the ingredients.
- Well, I can help you with that Nikkie, smirks Kat.
He watches Stefan and Kat working, trying hard not to think about Caroline, about the way she sang in the bath, the way she bit the inside of her cheeks, the way she kissed the back of his neck, the way she would open her mouth while she slept, the way she put her hand in his curls, the way sh- He takes another drag, wanting to throw his head in the wall. Just to forget. Everyfuckingthing.
- Grab a stove, Nik.
He executes, takes it, gives it to her and goes to his bedroom. He needs to take it now. Things need to stop hurting because he is tired. Very much tired. His phone vibrates and it hits him with the force of a hurricane. Father.
- Hello ?
- Hi, Niklaus.
He can breathe again.
- Hello Mother. Is Father alright ?
- Yes. He wanted me to call you, he wants you to reach Rebekah and tell her to come home. He wants her home. It has been such a long time since she came.
- And why does he think I'll do that for him ?
Why now he wants to ask because he does not understand what is so special about today.
- Because he asks you.
- Tell him, words for words, fuck you. It has been three years since Bekah came live with me and now he wants her to come back, fuck that, we can take care of her. We don't need you, we never did.
- Christ, when are you going to grow up ? Caroline was smart to leave. You're twenty-two, not sixteen so stop doing nothing with your life.
Can this day get worse ? He takes a deep bretah of his joint.
- And what should I do then ?
- You should buy a home, find a wife and a real job. You should make projects ! Tell me, Niklaus, when was the last time you made a project ?
He does not answer, because it would be too painful. His mother's words cut right through his flesh, lacerations all over his brain, all over his heart.
- The answer is never. You and this useless Salvatore and those whore are doing nothing with your life. One day, you will wake up old and you will see that your life has been useless and void of sense.
- Life is void of sense.
- Not Caroline's. Because she has a purpose.
She always does that, bringing Caroline in the conversation, torturing him.
- Can you stop about her ?
He takes another drag, his other hand on his forehead.
- Why should I ?
She hangs up and he stares at the phone. Fuck them all. He takes the painting off the wall and takes the hidden package. Time to loosen up.
She takes her phone and dials the number. He responds after three rings.
- Hello my love.
His voice, finally and she can breathe again.
- Hi, she breaths.
- You're okay ?
- I just miss you.
- You should have come, Jer found a puppy, we can't find a name but we'll bring it home.
- Of course you are, you'll send me a picture ?
- Yeah. You need to see the little guy.
She can tell he is pleased and happy at the sound of his voice. She is happy just to hear it, happy he can't see the mess. But she is taking care of it.
- He'll stay with us, right ?
- Yeah, we discovered that Anna is allergic to dogs.
They laugh.
- I miss you, Bonnie. I will be with you tomorrow, I love you.
- I love you, Kol.
They stay like that, listening to each other and hang up. She closes her eyes and smiles. He is okay, he is happy and he is bringing a puppy. Several seconds later, her phone rings and it is a picture from Anna. She laughs when she sees it. It is Kol's smiling face glued to a cute white puppy. It is adorable and she sets it as her phone wallpaper.
Nik sits next to her and smiles.
- Hi, he says, nudging her shoulder.
She rolls her eyes and smiles and nudges back.
- Hi yourself.
- It was a good evening, yesterday, right ?
- Yep.
- Made you happy ?
- Yep.
- Wish fulfilled ?
- Who do you think you are ? She chuckles. My fairy godmother ?
He laughs and she is a little sad to see that he has to be high to be happy. His family, Caroline, they made him fucked up like this. He had let his life slip through his hands, he had been too tired, not enough encouraged, he had become lazy and let himself slip into this hole. She grabs his fingers with hers and put her head on his shoulder.
- I miss us. I feel like a part of me is missing, Nik. Where are we ? When did we get so lost ?
We lost ourselves and we grew strangers because we did not recognize each other anymore, it is what is running through his mind but he is too lazy to explain himself.
- Don't know.
She closes her eyes, the tears too close.
- It is sad.
- You'll get through this, Bennett. You are better than all of us, peasants, my queen.
She chuckles, pushing her head in his shoulder.
- You are high.
- I am serious, Bonnie. I will end here, heartbreak is killing me.
- You are killing yourself, she murmurs back.
She doesn't need to say more. The drugs, the cigarette, alcohol, instability, he is digging deeper every day a hole that he can't leave. He gets up, smiles, like he says I am sorry, I wish I was someone else. She closes her eyes, wishing Kol was here.
- Are we going to eat before starvation kills me or what ?
He enters at the kitchen and can only find Katherine.
- Brownie with my weed ? Seriously ? He chuckles.
- I said I could help, right ?
- That you did, he agrees, arms crossed on his chest.
- We just have to wait for the brownies and the pancakes are here.
- Wow, you just are the regular housemaid.
- Fuck off.
He laughs and takes the plate of pancakes.
- Pancakes, pancakes, he screams, going into the living room.
- Hell yes, groans Bekah from the couch, grabbing one.
- What the fuck are you doing here ? And where is Grumpy ?
Because even if they are not together anymore, when he thinks of Bekah, Stefan is not far.
- Fuck you.
- I can hear you but I can't fucking see you, Grump !
They all laugh and fuck, Nik can swear Caroline is going to leave the kitchen, smiling. Because it seems too much like before.
- I am here, shitface.
He sees a hand raised on the other side of the couch. Is he on the floor ?
- So someone wants pancakes or what ?
They chuckles and he puts the table on the coffee table, throwing on the floor empty bottles.
- Fuck all you. One by one.
He falls on the couch and grabs pancakes. They all start babbling and he eats.
- Can someone give me something to eat ? Please ! No ?
- Oh shut it Stefan, some people are trying to have a discussion here, snaps Katherine, rolling her eyes.
- Fine, replies Stefan, not moving from the floor, crossing his arms on his chest. If everybody wants to let me die, fine, he yells.
Nik is tired and wants to eat a fucking pizza. Right now. Bekah and Kat and Bonnie are talking in hushed tones and he is bored.
- Get up, Grump.
- Nope. Nobody wants me here.
- I have pancakes and Kat made her brownies. Come sit with me, all this talk is boring me.
- Fine.
And Stefan gets up. He falls next to Nik and furrows his brows.
- Where the fuck are the brownies ?
- In the fucking oven. Can you stop screaming, now, asshole? Snaps Kat.
- Wow, someone has her things, whispers Stefan in Nik's ear.
It makes them laugh. A lot. They are high, both of them. All is funny, all is good. He tries, he really tries to not listen to the girls' conversation because it's so difficult to not close his eyes and believe that Caroline will magically appear. It is too fucking hard.
- What time is it ? he asks.
- Don't know.
- How to be useless by Stefan Salvatore, sighs Nik, smirk on his face.
- He should write a book about it or shit like that, intervenes Kat, smiling.
- Bitchy mode deactivated ?
- Fuck off, she scowls.
- Apparently not, he huffs.
- So, what do we do ? finally asks Bekah.
- We could watch Fight Club, it has been such a long time !
Everyone look at Nik with matching blank stares.
- What ?
- Nik, not to be offensive or anything, but we can't stand the fucking movie anymore, says Bekah.
He crosses his arms, pout on his face.
- But why ? I love this movie.
- Don't we all know it, answers Stefan, increasing the all.
- Have it your way, brainless people.
They shrug and look at Kat.
- So, one troublemaker's idea is shitty and you ask the other one ? Smart move !
- Why don't we go see Vicky ? asks Bonnie.
Silent overwhelms them as they all think about her, about their friends.
- I am out, says Bekah before running away.
Vicky was her best friend, she lost her sister that day and then Stefan. She does not cope very well with abandon. Because that's it, Vicky left her. They were together in this shit, they were the same. Shitty parents, awesome brother, they needed each other and Vicky had left her here, all alone.
- So ? asks quietly Bonnie.
They all nodded and go out of the apartment. Nik closes the door and she glances at it, she does not know why but she has a bad feeling. Nik is walking alone, hands in pocket, she admires his back, the strength that comes by waves out of him. He does not know how tough he is, he does not know how much Caroline had loved him, how much it has broken her heart to leave him, to choose to grown up and leaving him here. He does not understand she may have never explained to him why she had left and it is what is destroying him. Nik is the kind of men who does not love easily but will go anywhere for you. He does not know how to love, he does not know how to stop. He is just a little lost, a little tired to chase a untouchable dream, a blured hope. Stefan jogs to him and they are walking next to each other.
- What is the mysterious Bonnie Bennett thinking about ? Smiles Kat, linking their arms.
- I would love to spend one day like before, just to enjoy more.
- We can make a better before maybe.
Kat shrugs, not believing what she is saying. Because they know.
- I don't know Kat. We all had changed and not for the better.
- I can't stay away from them, they are all I have now, even if they are assholes who watch too much movies with too much blood. But you have Kol, Bonnie and I am sure you will perfectly fit in Caroline's perfect life.
She huffs, tightening her jaw. They all are a little bitter with Caroline, with the way she left.
- I don't want anything to do with her. She failed us, she broke Nik. She is nothing like my best friend was.
She thinks about her blond best friend, her smiles, her bluntness, the way she would called her when she knew something was wrong, the way she would invite them all at her home for a night between girls. Her best friend was careless, thoughtful, generous, funny and in love with Nik. Caroline is nothing like her best friend was.
- You have to forgive her, Bon. Because you are not stuck like us, you can grow up and be out of this shit hole. You deserve it. Nik, Stefan, Bekah, Matt and me, we are too screwed to move. The best is already behind us, the future holds nothing for us. And it's okay, it really is.
And Kat smiles a little because she really thinks it is. She really thinks that their life is already over, at only twenty-two. Bonnie thinks that it's sad, so sad. And she wants to stay with them, to make them believe again, to make them get through this because they can. And she needs them, she couldn't have gone through if they aren't be there. She needs to fx this mess, ti make them see they only are at the beginning of life.
- But I want to be with you all.
Katherine smiles, a little at this tone because Bonnie is their little baby. Her and the pixie, they are perfect for each other because they are carefree, careless and innocent. They just love, see things for what they are, they are full of hope, full of faith. It is beautiful to see, it is heartbreaking to see.
- Things do not always work like we would like. But nobody would hold it against you if you leave. You are nothing like Caroline. And you are always welcome, it is your home too.
She nods, a small smile on the face. She has their blessing. They walk in silence, a little.
- I am coming back living here. With Nik and Stefan. The apartment is making me crazy and I can't stand the loneliness anymore. I miss my twin too much. Stefan said it was okay.
Bonnie squeezes a little Kat's arm because losing a sibling like that must be horrible.
- Of course he said it was. What are you going to do now ?
- I found a job in a club at night, enough to sleep and eat. I don't need more, you know. I have texted Matt, to tell him we are going to see Vik.
- You did well.
They smile at each other and it feels good.
- Hi honey, smiles Kat, letting her fingers wander on the top of the grave.
She sits on the grass, facing it.
- Hello druggie bitch, greats Nik.
And it makes her giggle because it is so him to be blunt like that.
- Watch it, asshole, smiles Matt. Hello, Vicky.
- We miss you, Vik , we came to s-
Kat wants to clap her hands at Bon, good try girl.
- Hell with that, Vik does not care, I bring Tequila, shouts Nik, bottle in hand.
- And I have the shot glasses, states happily Stefan, taking it out of his pockets.
- So what, alcoholics assholes, you always have shot glasses in your pocket with Tequila ? Asks Matt.
The two look at each other before nodding enthusiastically. They all laugh as Stefan puts one glass on the grave and Nik pours Tequila in the glass. When they all have a glass full in their hands, they cheer.
- To Vicky, they all said and gulp.
They sit on the grass, except Nik who is pacing.
- What are you thinking about ? Finally asks Bonnie, tiring of his brooding.
- I saw Caroline at the supermarket this morning.
Stefan is playing with the grass, staring at his fingers. He already knows all of it, what happened, how it feels to see who you love without the ability to touch her.
- And what ?
- She asked about all of us and I have been an asshole grade A with her.
- Aren't you an asshole like, I don't know, every day ?
They all groan at Stefan who raises his hands in defense and shrugs.
- Just telling the truth, fuck you all.
He starts playing with the grass again.
- If she wanted to know something about us, all she had to do was ask. I am tired of her shit. She wanted to go, fine, good bye. But what she is doing to you, it is not healthy. So yes, fuck Caroline, shrugs Kat.
- Don't talk about her like that, warns Nik, eyes no longer playful.
She scoffs, raising her eyes to meet his, a silent areyouserious? in the eye.
- Please, like she is not telling how childish and useless we are to her grown up friends. That bitch makes me want to throw up.
Bonnie lowers her head because deep down, Caroline had been the girl who had bring a box of sweets when Jamie broke her heart.
- You cannot be mad at her for trying to realize her dreams !
Nik is starting to get angry, they all see it but they know Kat, she won't back down. But they are surprised when Matt backs her up.
- You cannot seriously be defending her !
Nik turns his stormy eyes toward Matt, clenching his fists, trying to control the rage growing in him.
- Of course I am. I had loved her for years, you assholes, I am not going to let say shits about her.
- She has ripped your heart out and reduced it to ashes, you idiot, snaps Kat, standing up, facing him.
- You can't say you are not angry, adds Matt.
- I am mostly angry at myself for not being the man she wished I was, he admits in a whisper.
Kat can't help but rolls her eyes. What you don't have to hear..
- Oh please ! She does not care, get over it already. It is over.
All these words near Vik's grave are not good, it feels like a storm coming, they were all waiting for it. They knew it was in them, the elephant in the room was too big and something was going to break. Nik smiles, the smile when he does not show his teeth, when his eyes are made of stone, when he is going to lash out.
- Well, why don't you stop bothering us with Elena ? She is not dead, she is not ill, she is not adicted to drugs, so why do you keep moping over her, hum ?
He extends his hand like an invitation and she wants to rip it away from his body.
- Nik, let Elena out of it, warns Bonnie.
They are going to hurt each other, it is an unnecessary hurt, for everybody. He has just circled in red their issues, their failure, made them remember what they were doing here, arguing near the grave of their deadtooyoung friend.
- No, please, he has obviously a lot of shit to say right now.
Her jaw is clenched, her body is tensed, she is ready to take the hit. She has a lot of things to say too, he better gives it his best shot because she will rip him apart.
- Vicky is dead because she drank too much and used too much. Caroline is gone because she is better than us. Elena is gone because she was stupid enough to hook up with a guy she hates and to let her parents govern her life. Stupid to say "Yes Damon I won't' talk to any of them again. Yes Damon I will do what you want because you are my fucking husband." ! And Bonnie will soon leave us because she is better than us ! You are all pointing fingers at Caroline but she was smart to leave before we drag her in our mess.
Tell me he did not say that.
- You are a fucking dick ! Elena had always hated Damon and she had made a mistake, just one. And she is married to Damon with his fucking child. She did not choose this life and you fucking know it ! She had just slept with him once and had to make the right thing for the child. You fucking know it, asshole ! And your precious Caroline, she just wanted to escape the failure you are, all she told you was excuses. The reason is simple, she did not love you anymore so she left you.
She sees she has hit in the flesh, she sees the way his eyes grow a little more wild, she sees the tears but she can't decide if it is from sadness or rage. She has the smile of the Cheshire cat, like she has just eaten a little bird.
- Kat..
It is Stefan who warns, he has stopped playing with the grass, he knows his best friend, he knows that Nik is not going down alone, he knows he has other hurtful words to say. Matt has his mouth wild open. They all know by the tears of rage on his cheek that he won't any hurtful word.
- You can stay in your pathetic flat with nobody with you because everybody always loves Elena more than you and nobody can stand looking at your face because we all wish we were looking at Elena. You are the one who deserved a miserable life, not sweet Elena. You are the whore, not her. Isn't it some kind of hilarious that she is the one locked in a marriage with an asshole she can't stand and that you, you the whore, can walk freely with all her friends ?
The silent falls on them except for Kat's sobs. Nobody is moving and Bonnie looked horrified at the scene beneath her. The day had begun so well. She kneels near her, putting Kat's head against her neck.
- Katherine, Nik did not mean any of it, it is not true. He just wanted to hurt you like you hurt him. I know, and he knows, you wanted to help, but it is not the right way, she whispers, caressing her back.
Kat nods. She knows that her words keep torturing him, hurting again and again and again. He has to talk to Caroline, he has to know. He really need to see her, to know why, to know in the name of what she left him here. Because he would have gone with her, wherever she was going.
- Kat can stay with us, right ? Whispers Stefan.
Nik nods and it is enough for are not angry at each other, they are angry at the world which is tearing us apart, they just needed to lash out and they are the most tough people he knows. Kat stops sobbing, she stares at her fingers, sitting legs crossed as Bon lets her fingers wander in her curls. It is relaxing. She is mad at Nik and she knows he won't' stand her face or her voice for some time. But in the end, they will be okay. Because they are all they have, they need each other.
- We have to stay together. We can't succeed on our own, we have already lost too much. Together, we can go through this, through this lost. They were part of our family, we all lost, we have to help each other, pleads Bonnie.
- So what should we do, Bonnie ? Asks Stefan, tired of all this discussion.
Nik is no longer with them, his eyes focused elsewhere, Kat is only thinking at Elena and how mad at Nik she is. Matt is grieving his dead sister and him. Him is grieving happiness with Rebekah, with his asshole of brother, with his friends. Because all is falling apart and he can't' stand it.
- Start growing up ! Stop spending days doing nothing except getting high or drunk and play video games. We are better than this !
Tears are streaming down on her face, she is looking at them, praying for something, anything to make them see. But Nik is looking at his feet, Stefan is looking bored, Kat is watching her with pity and Matt is eating his nails. But nobody moves, nobody agrees.
- I am sorry Bon, I really am but the group is broken. Some of us left, you're trying to fix something broken but pieces are missing, it can never be the same. Even if by miracle, they all come back, it would not be the same. We are not the same than a year ago. It is only hurting us more, that's what our little spat show us, says Kat.
They all sense her bitterness at the "little spat" in her voice and Nik snorts. They glare at each other.
- So what ? We are just parting ways and nod at each other if we cross roads ? That's a new level of fuck up.
She laughs, it is nervous, like all her hopes are breaking.
- We can see each other again but we have to stop to try to go back in time. We can't.
It ends here near this fucking woods when they are spent all their adolescence. It ends where it has begun but Vicky is dead and Elena and Caroline had escaped. Soon, they all left without a word except Matt.
- I agree with you, Bonnie, I really thought we needed someone to say this but.. Maybe we are only destroying each other. Maybe we should just grow strangers for a while.
They sit next to each other on the dirt. She wishes she has enough strength to prove him wrong.
- So what ? You are growing to own the grill, Elena and Damon are going to stay far away, Caroline will marry Tyler while Stefan, Nik and Katherine will keep doing nothing. It is not healthy Matt, it is not the way the things should have been. We were supposed to be happy.
It is barely said but it is in the atmosphere, they were supposed to be happy. It was written in the star. Nik and Caroline should have been married with a lot of kids, opening their home for them all. Stefan and Rebekah should be together, the forever-young couple, her and Kol too, Katherine should be in New York already, being a model. It was not dreams, it was a reality which was coming. They have waited too long to talk about it, they broke themselves with their thoughts, not sharing them had destroyed us. They were too close, they had never known a life without all of us, living without Vicky was too hard, Caroline and Elena's departure had just made it unbearable. So they had changed, they had grown strangers because the other was the mirror of the one they were missing the most. Unbearable. They had become their own enemy.
- Nik, what's wrong ? You seem agitated.
- Like you care.
He is fighting with his lighter to ligh a fucking cigarette.
- Of course I care.
He scoffs, huffs, keeps pacing.
- You can't keep talking to me.
- What ? Why ?
What haooened ? She just finds him again, he can't' do that to her, can't' leave her.
- Why ?
He laughs nervously, taking a little smoke out of his cigarette. He keeps replaying the scene in the woods in his head, all their words are fighting, all this year keep defiling, most of it being bad and worst.
- You can't always win Caroline. We can't talk like nothing happened, like you never broke my heart, like you never left like a thief, it is stupid. I have too much shit to deal with, I can't keep thinking about me, Rebekah had needed me so much and I wasn't' here because i was too focused on me. That's' so fucking stupid ! I hope you are happy, that breaking my heart was worth it.
He turns and starts walking. He has tears in his eyes and really need to get high very soon.
- It was not.
He stops dead in his track and closes his eyes. Not today, please, we have all changed, please, we can't go back, please, it can never be the same, please, not today, it is too late, please, the group is broken, please, not now, we can't' please.
- It had broken my own heart to leave you and seeing you was the best moment of the last months. I am not happy but I needed to see if it could be my life, if it could be what I was looking for. But I know now that I already had all I needed. I thought that if maybe we cross each others paths again, it was fate who brang you to me and you were at the Grill and we talked and I thought, we could be again.
- We can't go back like before, Caroline. You took your chance, you lost.
He won't look at her, won't look at her blue eyes, at her pale skin, at her blonde locks, at her lips, he won't.
- Is it your way to take revenge on me ?
- Do you think that low of me ? I gave you all and you threw it by the window, saying it is nothing, saying it is all gone, saying I'm not worth it, saying deal with it. I tried so bloody hard you have no idea, to deal with it. But I can't if you are always here, breaking my heart all over again, throwing all my mistakes in my face at every chance. I know I was not enough, I know I could not take care of you, I know I failed you. I know !
He is screaming now, fully turns toward her. His blue eyes are a storm, his body is tense, he is shaking, she can see the tears on his cheeks. Here is the man you loved, here is the man you broke, here is the price of your useless dreams.
- Nik, please, it wasn't, I would never, I-
She knows it is the end, that if she can't have him back now, he will never be hers again, she knows it is the last time they can talk like that. He is too stubborn, once he has taken the decision, she will be banished from his life forever.
- I gave you all I had. What would you want that I had not already given you ? You want my shirt, my home, my fucking weed ?
He is screaming, she is crying.
- I don't want- I- I just need to-
- I is all you have in your fucking mouth ! I can't give you fucking more otherwise you would already have it. I am done. I am no good for you. Deal with it.
She is crying, sobbing, trying hard not to break, they are broken, she broke them. He is miserable as she is. She broke them because she wanted more. She has more now, a house, a fiancé, a job and she is miserable.
- What are you going to do now ? she whispers, hoping.
- Same thing than last week, except seeing you. Adieu Caroline.
He does not turn around when he leaves.
- You know what Adieu means ? Caroline asks, one day.
- It is good bye in french, no ?
- It was in the eighteen century but nowadays, it is more the last thing you say to someone you don't want or can't see anymore. It is the kind of thing you say to someone dying. It is forever.
- I do not need to know that word.
- And may I ask why Mister Mikaelson ? she asks, raising an eyebrow.
- Because I will never let you go.
He takes her in his arms, kissing her neck, her collarbone, her cheeks, her mouth, her eyes, punctuating each kiss with a never.
She is giggling hysterically, believing every word he says.
.
I'll take one shot for my pain,
One drag for my sorrow.
Get messed up today,
I'll be okay tomorrow.
.
Bruno Mars feat Damian Marley - Liquor Store Blues
So yes, it's kind of a mess.
- Fight Club de David Finsher
I want to thank Mink ( I hope the word you were searching was to say something nice ! ), Guest1 ( I'm happy that my story can touch people like it did with you. I find your interpretation of this story very interesting ! ) and Guest2 ( Well it was kind of the effect researched but I hope you feel better by now ! ) to have left a reviews ! And queenofklaroline, my Beta.