"You do know what this means, don't you?" El sighed as the last customer, save for me, left the diner. After she had finished flipping the open sign to closed, she had come to sit with me in my booth.
"That this is a very mysterious looking place at night and you're going to rape me in the corner?" I questioned and El's jaw dropped.
"Oh, gosh! Ew, Squid! Can you get your head out of the gutter for at least five seconds? Gross..." her nose was still wrinkled. "I meant that we are going to have to be two very convincing people. I'll need a fake belly, fake cravings, fake cramps and will have to fake pee a lot."
I chuckled at the last one. "Okay, this doesn't concern me at all. I don't have to eat weird ice cream/mustard combinations. You're the pregnant one, remember?"
El shot me a glare. "Actually, it totally concerns you. I am not doing this alone, you are going to be with me 100% through these next few months. But we have to do something to make it convincing..."
"Move in with me." I blurted. Fucking mouth! Why do I keep on saying the stupidest things around El that will no doubt, only get me into deeper shit?
El's eyes lighted up remarkably, "That's actually not that bad of an idea! Well, not me moving in with you, that's stupid, but you could be my roommate!"
Okay, hold up, what the fuck? That wasn't a good idea, that was a shitty, awful idea that makes me want to shoot myself in the head for.
"I need help paying the bills and with your new job..." El hinted. Oh, she wanted me for my money. Well, the money I'm about to get, I guess. "And since we need to convince everyone, you may as well stay over."
Me, being the idiot that I am, leaned closer on the table, "so we get to share a bed then, huh?"
El growled in frustration, "you are impossible! I meant that you sleep on the house and then whenever someone comes over, we act all couple-y and stuff. I hang a few photos of us up, and voila! We look like a family."
"Which will just so happen to fall apart in the next six months." I pointed out and El brushed it away.
"Details, details. But do you want to do this or not? I mean, you're going to be at work and school all the time anyway so it's not like we'll be seeing much of each other. It's just there to make this entire thing work."
I scratched my head like I was unsure of the idea, "Er, sure I guess. I've been meaning to move out of my friends place anyway. So sure." I shrugged like it was no big deal. Inside, my heart was hammering and I could feel my palms sweating up.
Play it cool, Squid, just be cool.
"Great, move in as soon as you can. The place is already furnished so don't show up at my doorstep with a bed or something."
I chuckled, "Alright then. But um, I don't exactly know where you live..." I hinted.
"Oh, right. Well, then I guess you can just come home now and sleep over tonight. Then tomorrow you can get your stuff and move in." El shrugged like it was an easy solution.
"Um...okay?" It came out like a question. El took that as the end of our conversation and stood up. She waved her hands to urge me to follow her out of the restaurant and into her small, beat up car. I guess waitressing wasn't doing her well. But then again, that's coming from a guy who works at a gas station and lives off of free coffee.
I slipped into the passenger seat as El took a few minutes to start up her car. It was actually really funny to watch. She would turn the key and the car would sputter for a minute and then die. She would do it a few more times until she slammed her hands against the wheel and let out a scream of rage.
Finally, I leaned over and twisted the key. It roared to life and El stared at me like I just fed a family of starving kittens.
"What can I say? I've got the magic touch." I shrugged nonchalantly.
"And the magic sperm that somehow manages to knock me up without us having sex." she muttered and I coughed awkwardly. I don't want to have the sex talk with her.
On the drive to her house, I stared out the window, taking in all the scenery. I passed by the bus station and spotted the bench where I usually slept. A small grin passed over my face when I realized that I would be sleeping in a nice, heated house with a roof over my head and food on my plate.
Even if I slept on the couch.
We pulled up to a small, one storied, brick house with a blue door that had the paint chipping off. The grass on the front lawn was mostly dead and had a white picket fence surrounding it. The fence posts were all scratched and some broken, but even then I couldn't help but feel joy swell in my heart at the sight of my temporary home.
"I know that it's kind of shitty, but you got me into this." El playfully glared at me as she led me up the small driveway and to the door. She pulled some keys out if her pocket and jammed one into the lock before twisting the door and letting me inside.
The house seemed even smaller on the inside. It had light, wooden floors and soft orange walls. The only carpeted aspect was the white carpet in the living room that went with a dark coffee table, a rather large television and bookshelves crammed with tons of pictures and a few books.
The lighting was dim and added to the whole cozy feel about the place. I loved it.
"Again, sorry that it kind of sucks." El apologized and I couldn't find the words to tell her how wrong she was. "But you can sleep there and help yourself to anything in the fridge." she pointed to the old, battered leather couch.
"It's not that bad you know, better than Camp Green Lake." I shrugged. It was the most I could manage without drawing suspicion.
"It's actually getting kind of late so I'm going to go to sleep. Blankets and pillows are in the closet so goodnight, I guess." El said, peeling off her apron and tossing it on the coat hanger. "Don't burn anything down."
"Aye-aye, ma'am." I saluted and she rolled her dark eyes.
"Goodnight Squid." she sighed.
"Night, Mama Bear." I winked as she disappeared down the hallway. She wasn't really the best at tours and so far I only knew where the living room was because that was the first thing you saw when you entered the house.
I guess I knew where the kitchen was too, because I could see the archway leading to a tiled floor. It was either the kitchen or the bathroom and I seriously doubt that El has an open door to her washroom.
I made my way to the couch and collapsed on the uncomfortable springs and posts. It was still more comfortable than a bench.
"Shouldn't I start off small?"
"No. The tag says three months and we told your boss three months, so you are getting three months." I snapped for the last time. "Just take the damn stomach and shove it in your damn bag. Or under your shirt."
We were standing in a maternity store, staring at a mannequin wearing a fake stomach. We checked the tags and finally found the one that said three months but El refused to take it because 'people's would know something was up if she just showed up to work, fat.'
"I don't want to steal..." El whined and I sighed. I ripped the stomach off the mannequin and shoved it under my own shirt.
"Look, you either take it or I am walking out of here like this. You can choose which one in more believable." I gave her the ultimatum and she stomped her foot in annoyance.
"You suck." she stated as I handed her the stomach. Glancing around quickly, she lifted up her shirt and quickly shoved it under, before strapping it on in the back. I took a step back and looked at her.
"Aw, Mama Bear is finally showing her bump." I grinned cockily and she slapped my arm.
"Can't I just have a miscarriage already?"
"And get fired? Be my guest." I shrugged. I knew that her job was the ultimate decision maker and I just had to remind her of the fact every time she tried to back out.
"Let's just go." El groaned. We started walking out when El stopped. She leaned in closer, "put your hand on my hip and pretend we love each other."
I didn't even have any time to react before El grabbed my arm and wrapped it around her waist and leaned into me. Damn, she smelt good.
"Eleanor? Is that you?"
El pretended to look shock as some blonde bimbo called out to her. "Ashley? What are you doing here?"
"I'm just here with my fiancé, Brad. You remember Brad, right?" 'Ashley' asked as she hugged a large guy who looked like he took steroids for breakfast.
Oh, I remember them! They went to my high school. El and Brad dated throughout most it. I think he asked her out in freshman year or something. Ashley was on the cheerleading squad.
"Yeah, we dated for four years remember?" El reminded coolly. "Until I found you two making out under the bleachers. Yeah, I definitely remember Brad."
I kind of wanted to laugh and the other half wanted to pay her on the back and say 'that shit sucks.' But instead, I just stood there. Ashley finally looked up at me.
"Oh hey, you're Alan right? Alan Smith?" I nodded. She glanced down at El's stomach, "wow you really knocked her up, huh? I'm surprised a screw up like you and El got together."
"Wow, El, I thought you had more class." Ashley giggled. I took that as my cue to jump in.
I snapped my fingers in realization, "oh hey, right! You're that girl that had your friends help you with the old clothes hanger technique. You do know they have a Planned Parenthood down on fifth?"
El snickered, "I remember that. I really thought you had more class." she mocked.
Ashley clenched her hands into fists. I could see Brads jaw shift as if he were grinding his teeth.
"So what exactly are you doing outside a maternity store anyway?" El asked, shifting the conversation.
"We're going to a baby shower. My aunt is having a baby and we were going to buy something." Brad answered because Ashley was clearly too furious to even make words.
"Ah, interesting." El pretended to be interested. She turned to me, "hey babe, when did you say we were meeting up with your friends?"
"Uh, right now." I played along. "We should probably get going."
"Lets go then. See you later, Ash." El rushed, pulling me farther and farther away from the couple.
"Right, we should do something together sometime, Eleanor. I really want to see more of you." Ash smiled through her teeth. We wave one last time before El pulled me around a corner and they disappeared from our vision.
"Oh. My. Gosh. That was amazing!" El jumped. "I fucking hate that bitch, the clothes hanger thing was brilliant, Squid. I honestly love you right now!"
"The pleasures all mine. I hate her too." I smirked. She used to throw her lunches on me at school until I finally snapped and dumped a pot of tomato soup on her head. Best day of my life.
"I really wish I was your friend in high school." El mused, "this is the funniest I've had in a long time."
Don't kill me for the long wait! I'm sorry but these are hard to write! I don't know why I'm having such bad writers block!