"El, where's all the food?" I yelled from the kitchen. How did this chick survive? There was literally only mustard in there. Okay that may be a slight exaggeration but the lady is pregnant (kinda) for Pete's sake! She should learn to stock her fridge in case any weird 'cravings' come on.
Okay, that was totally just an excuse for her to have better food. But when I came home from work today - she had come home earlier for some reason - I went straight to the fridge and was greatly disappointed.
I squirted some spray cheese in my mouth (one of the few things that she actually did have) and walked down the hall to her bedroom. I heard talking and just kind of assumed that she was on the phone.
That was a mistake on my behalf.
I barged in, still spraying cheese in my mouth, my hair messed up and still wearing my black HMV shirt to find that El wasn't alone. There were two other people in the room with her; a man and a woman, both dressed like they were about to offer tea and crumpets.
"Uh..." Wise words Alan Smith everybody.
"Mom, Dad, this is Squid. My Baby Daddy." El introduced as I just continued to stare with my cheese filled mouth and the can of spray cheese in one hand.
"Pleasure to meet you, Squid, darling." El's mother greeted and held out a gloved hand that I hesitantly took and shook. She was British, like ridiculously British. I bet she really was about to offer me a crumpet.
I set the can down on El's cluttered desk as her father introduced himself.
"Nice to meet you, Squid." Her dad was Texan. He had a deep voice and looked kind of like those people who are sittin on their horses as they herd cattle right in the middle of the road. You might not know what I'm talking about but it's about as annoying as someone who has sneezing fits in the middle of restaurants.
Her dad looked kind of uncomfortable in the suit that he was wearing. His wife probably made him wear it.
"So... Why don't we have some supper?" El said clapping her hands together and looking around for a response.
"We can't." I said bluntly. El's eyebrow shot up as I lifted up the can and held it in front of her face. "I just ate our food supply."
El laughed while her parents looked unamused. Quickly, she clamped her mouth shut.
"Why don't we go out for tea then, hm?" The Brit offered and I fought the undying urge to cringe. I could see El looked about ready to kill herself as well.
"Sure." El muttered. "Just let me grab my purse..." El's purse consisted of a beat up old bag that was hanging together by duct tape. I'm not even kidding, she just has a line of duct tape where the zipper was supposed to be.
"Oh honey..." El's mom gasped and placed her hand over her heart. "Oh, baby I'm so sorry!"
El and I stared at her for a minute, both wondering what she was talking about. I followed her line of sight to El's purse before looking back up at her devastated face. She was acting as if she just ran in on her daughter eating from the trash can, not just having a shitty purse.
"Um..." El started, "I don't really have time to go shopping, with work and everything."
El's dad glared at me. "The man should be the one to provide, not the little lady." he spat. This was not turning out well.
"Dad!" El snapped, "Guys, just seriously stop! I'm going on maternity leave eventually, anyway. Besides, I like feeling like I'm contributing when I have a job. And for the record, I don't mind having a crappy purse. It gets the job done."
If we were alone, I would make a crack about other things that get the job done but I figured that her parents wouldn't appreciate that very much. And to be honest, her dad kind of reminds me of Mr. Sir. Its quite terrifying that there were more than one of them walking around.
"Shall we go then?" her mom asked with a voice that sounded like she really didn't want to let the subject go.
"Yeah..." El said reluctantly as she came to walk beside me as her parents led the way. "Kill me now." She mouthed to me and I nodded my head in agreement before pretending to take out a gun and shoot her.
We ended up going to this little cafe that sold tea and biscuits and all that girly shit. We sat at a tiny table that barely had enough room to fit everyone else's tea and my coffee. El's mom (which I still had no idea what to call her) was studying me with judging eyes as I nervously sipped my coffee.
The second the hot liquid touched my tongue, I wanted to spit it back out. Slightly choking on it, I set the drink back down and wrinkled my nose. El giggled at my response as she sipped at her own tea.
"Not good?" El asked and I nodded. "They didn't add any sugar, and too much cream. They also add dark chocolate shavings to the coffee beans." This woman knows way too much about coffee.
El waved down the waiter, "Can you please remake his coffee except make it with two sugars, calm your tits down about the cream and forget the chocolate? That shit's nasty." she ordered pointing to my mug. Once the waiter left, I turned to El.
"You know, you didn't have to do that." I smirked. I mean, I didn't want to drink gross milk that had a hint of coffee in it, but we literally just became those people in restaurants in a matter of seconds.
"Meh, they need to get their shit together." El shrugged.
"Eleanor, stop swearing in this nice cafe!" El's mom spat, "Have a little class for once, why don't you?"
"Mum-"
"No!" she roared and everyone looked over at our table, "you are such an embarrassment to the Jenkins family name!"
The cafe was completely silent as El glared at her mother. Finally, the brunette got to her feet and slung her purse over her shoulder, "This is why I changed my name." she snapped and stormed away.
Mrs. Jenkins looked at me like a deer caught in headlights as I snarled at her, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I snapped, "that's your daughter, not some dog that pissed all over your shoes! She deserves a little respect!"
With that, I stood up and stomped out of the cafe, in the direction El went. I started jogging when I spotted her in the distance and grabbed her shoulder to turn her around when I finally caught up to her.
I have no idea what happened, but the second I touched her, she broke down. El wrapped her arms around me and buried her face in my chest as she started sobbing uncontrollably.
"I'm such a screw up!" El cried as I hesitantly wrapped my arms around her small frame. I could feel the baby bump squishing underneath our bodies but I'n pretty sure El didn't care about that at the moment. "Nothing I ever do is good enough!"
"You're not a screw up, El." I told her.
She started shaking her head, "No, I am. I thought that in High School, I was so much better than everyone else because I was a cheerleader and I was friends with the popular kids. But since I graduated, everything's just gone to shit!"
I let her rant on, "I have a horrible job, I can barely afford to keep food in the fridge and my parents think I'm the equivalent to a drown rat."
Once she was done, I carefully pulled her away from my body and stared her straight in the eyes. "El, I promise you, you're not a screw up. And this is coming from the ultimate fuck up. I think I know my stuff and I can confidentially promise you that you are beautiful, funny and caring. Every flaw that those morons see isn't there."
"Really?" the brunette sniffles and rubbed the black tears from her face.
"Absolutely." I reassured her, "and if you want me to beat up everyone who tells you otherwise, I will."
El laughed slightly, "That's okay, I think I'm good for now."
"Just saying, my offer still stands." I held my hands up and she playfully punched me. I glanced down at her belly that we had sufficiently squished. "But you may want to fix your baby bump."
El glanced down to see how crooked and messed up it was and quickly worked on fixing it. Once it looked relatively normal, we started walking home. We just reached her front door when she turned to me and smiled, "Thank you." and then she placed a small kiss on my cheek.
El didn't let me reply before she ran inside but for the next minute or two, I just stood outside the bright blue door, touching my cheek where her lips once were.