July 22, 1993, 8:00 pm, CNE Stadium
OLDER TED VOICEOVER: Later that day your grandparents, Aunt Heather, and I toured the CN tower. It was a very intellectually stimulating experience for me, being an aspiring architect. Aunt Heather enjoyed walking on the glass floor…me not so much [flashback shows teen Ted fainting]. After the CN Tower, we went to the Eaton Centre, where I did get to see Robin sing the mall song we've all grown to love…
OLDER ROBIN VOICEOVER: Except the singer herself…
OLDER TED VOICEOVER: The crowd was huge and unruly, so I could not get close to shake her hand and meet her. I wasn't sweating it though. I had my backstage pass, so I was going to meet her after the concert that night. Or so I thought…
[Ted locates his seat and seats himself]
TED: Not bad…not a bad seat all.
[Enter another teenager about 16-17 years old. He takes the empty seat right of Ted. He looks like Neil Patrick Harris when he was on 'Doogie Howser']
TEEN: Beautiful night for a concert, eh?
TED: Yeah, not bad. Are you a big Robin Sparkles fan?
TEEN: Yep. Been to her concert about {say ah-boot} 10 times. How about you?
TED: This is my first time. Actually I'm from the States. I'm here on vacation.
TEEN: Well welcome to Canada. I hope you enjoy your stay and the concert. [notices Ted's backstage pass] You're lucky, you get to meet her after the concert. I couldn't afford the backstage pass.
TED: I think your chance will come sooner or later, since you live here and you go to her concerts often. Hey! Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Neil Patrick Harris from 'Doogie Howser'?
TEEN: I don't know. I don't watch American TV shows often…
OLDER TED VOICEOVER: Kids, 'Doogie Howser, MD' was a TV series about a teenage doctor. The title character was portrayed by a guy who looked just like Uncle Barney. And this spectator sitting next to me also looked like Uncle Barney. But he wasn't Uncle Barney. [we see scenes from the show with the Doogie Howser theme song playing the background.
TEEN: So, your first concert, eh? I tell you, it's gonna be spectac…wait for it…ular!
OLDER TED VOICEOVER: Remember how Barney had a Canadian paternal grandmother? I didn't know it then, but I would later learn that this fellow was related to Barney. He was the grandson of Barney's grandmother's brother. His name was Kenneth Bernard Waltrip. He later had some run-ins with the law and ended up committing suicide in prison. But I'll get to that later… BTW don't ever bring it up with Uncle Barney. It's dark moment in his family history; he has enough problems accepting his Canadian heritage.
TED: I'm looking forward to it. I got a good sneak preview at Eaton Centre.
KENNETH: So did I, if you know what I meen. [winks]
TED: Oh, jeez, I don't want to hear that!
MALE VOICEOVER: Ladies and gentleman! The moment, you've all been waiting for. Live tonight at the CNE Stadium, the Debbie Gibson of Canada, Miss Robin Sparkles!
Enter Robin Sparkles.
ROBIN SPARKLES: Hello Toronto! Are you all ready to jam? Let's rock this night til Canada Day, eh!
[flashforward 2 hours later]
TED: [singing to himself] Everybody come and play, throw every last care away…
KENNETH: Pretty catchy song, eh?
TED: Love it! So 80sish! Anyway, it's nice meeting you, dude.
[they shake hands, and when Ted doesn't look Ken swipes his backstage pass and runs]
TED: Hey, what the fudge?
OLDER TED: But I didn't say 'fudge.'
[Ted runs and chases Kenneth to a line leading to the backstage to meet Robin Sparkles. Kenneth manages to be back in line]
TED: [confront Ken] Give my back my backstage pass! [swipes backstage pass and runs to the front trying to get closer to the backstage entrance.]
Ken suddenly kicks Ted to the ground. He slips a copy of Catcher in the Rye in Ted's back pocket without anyone noticing.
Enter two Mounties.
MOUNTIE 1: What's going on here, eh?
KEN: Constable, this guy tried to steal my backstage pass and and is now trying to cut in line! He may be a psycho!
OLDER ROBIN VOICEOVER: Constable? That sound kinda British!
OLDER TED VOICEOVER: You put the King on your money! You're British!
(To reader: I'm assuming Queen Elizabeth II will have died by 2032, and that Charles, William, or George will be on the throne depending who's alive or dead in 2032)
MOUNTIE 2: Looks like we have a copy of Catcher in the Rye. We cannot have a Mark David Chapman on our hands. [slips handcuffs on Ted]
OLDER TED VOICEOVER: Kids, Mark David Chapman was the man who shot and killed ex-Beatle John Lennon in 1980. He was carrying a copy of Catcher in the Rye at the time. Don't ever read that book, you'll become an obsessed fan of whomever.
MOUNTIE 1: Okay sir, you're coming with us.
TED: Are you fellows gonna read me my rights?
MOUNTIE 2: US laws do not run in Canada.
[They walk away. Ken holding the backstage pass is snickering.]
End of Act 5