Author's Note: I think one of the most tragic things about Sidney's character is that he did not get his own HEA. He did not love Eliza, but he had to save his family from ruin. I think he had to find a way to cope with the love he felt for Charlotte, even after he married Eliza, and this is something I imagined might have happened on the ill-fated trip to Antigua.
Chapter One: Heraclitus
Sidney Parker was on a ship bound for Antiqua. He had word that a family member was challenging his ward's claim on her inheritance. Sidney and Georgiana Lambe had not always had the best relationship, but he would do his duty by her and get to the bottom of the matter.
In truth, he was glad to get away from his wife, Eliza. He had once cared for her, but that had been so many years ago. He could barely stand to be in her presence, much less be a husband to her now. He tried to love his wife as his dear Charlotte had asked him to do, but simply could not. She was unkind and mean. She might have been beautiful if her face wasn't so often twisted in contempt for anyone she disdained.
They would never be happy, but as a four weeks ago, Sidney was bound to her for the rest of his life.
Sidney was a man haunted by memories and regrets. He had made the choice he felt he had to make, but it did not take away the pain of it all. He found it cathartic to write down his thoughts, and he swore it was all that kept him from going mad. At his London home, he kept his journals under lock and key, and after he had filled them with his thoughts, he burned them to keep them from Eliza prying eyes.
Tonight, as they were most nights, his thoughts were of his only love.
My dearest Charlotte,
Every night, I see you in my dreams. I long to hold you close to me and to take in your sweet scent. I have never known love like what I feel for you, and it is tragic that circumstances prevented us from spending our lives together.
I have tried to do as you asked me to on the cliff tops that day. I cannot. Eliza is simply not loveable, and I can barely stand to be in her presence, much less be a husband to her.
My only comfort every day are my memories of you. If I had to choose a favorite, it would be different on any given day.
The kiss that we shared on the clifftops is all that sustains me through this hellish marriage I am in. I have never made love to a woman, Charlotte. I have visited brothels to assuage my needs from time to time, but the intimacy of loving a woman with my heart, my soul, and my body is not something I have ever experienced. I think it is one of the things I will look back on when I am taking my last breaths on this earth, and wish I could have known. With you. You see, I could not possibly know that with anyone else because I only hold you in my heart.
I love you, Sidney
Sidney closed his journal, and he allowed the pain of it all to wash over him. Long ago, he bottled up his pain and he had lost ten years of living because of it. Now, his pain is what made human. He hurt because of his love for Charlotte, but he would rather feel that kind of pain than nothing at all. He loved his family, and he was doing what he was doing because of that love, but he still felt so empty inside. Without her. Without Charlotte.
He went to his trunk to retrieve his copy of Heraclitus.
He smiled at the memory of the day of the regatta when he and Charlotte had rowed the boat together on the river. He had felt her bare hands in his, and he knew then that his days of being alone, an outlier were over. He had found his happiness in her.
But…it was not meant to be.
He opened his book and he struggled to read the words on the page. His eyes had filled with tears, and he let them fall.
When he regained his composure, he opened the book to the last page he read. Charlotte had read this same book and could quote Heraclitus as well as he could.
His eyes fell on the page, and what he read took his breath away.
"How can you hide from what never goes away?"-Heraclitus
He thought about it, and how could he hide away from his love for Charlotte when it would never go away? How could he ever learn to live with it and keep it concealed from his wife?
His love for Charlotte was an intrinsic part of his being. He was not Sidney Parker without it.
He went back to his desk and reread the quote again, and he picked up his quill and wrote below the quote.
"How can you hide from what never goes away?"
-She is everything to me, and my love for her will never go away. I will not hide from it, but instead, I will embrace it in a most private place in my heart. My love for her and my memories of her are the most precious things I have in this life. I was truly my best self, my truest self, when I was with her.
He closed his book and put it away. He went up on deck to see the stars and to think of her. Charlotte.
He had not seen her in over four months, since Babington's wedding. He wondered if he would ever see her again.
Sidney's biggest regret in life was that he had hurt her, and it was the last thing he had wanted to do. However, he saw no other way to save Tom, so he did what duty required of him.
He closed his eyes and whispered into the night, "Please forgive me, dearest Charlotte, and allow yourself to love again."