Chapter 3

Three days later...

The team went out on a call that occupied them all day. Abby knew that Tim wouldn't think to stop working if someone didn't remind him; so she decided to make sure she took a lunch and got Tim to take his as well.

She walked into his office. To her surprise, Tim wasn't working. He was reading from the book of speeches he kept on the shelf.

"Tim?" she asked.

Tim looked up and smiled.

"I finished the project Director Vance gave me. So I decided to read a little bit."

"What are you reading?"

"Sermons. I was just reading Saint Francis' sermon to the birds."

"Birds?"

Tim nodded.

"It's really short. I guess the birds didn't have a long attention span."

Abby laughed and sat down on the other chair in the office. Tim wasn't often doing anything other than working and it was nice to see him...relaxing to some degree. He finished reading the short sermon and then closed the book.

"Lunch?" he asked.

"Yep."

"Okay."

Tim got up and walked with Abby out of the building.

"I was thinking that we could go get some lunch and then eat in the park."

"You'll be outside. Can you handle that?" Tim asked.

"It's cloudy."

Tim looked up...and stared as he often did when he looked at the sky.

"I guess it is," he said, his voice slightly distant.

Abby knew that Tony was bothered by this behavior, but it seemed to be just a part of who Tim was now. So she let him look and kept her eye out for any obstacles in his path. After a few seconds of silence, Tim looked away from the sky and he seemed more pensive.

"Abby?"

"Yeah?"

"Am I a freak?"

"What? Why would you ask that?"

"I heard some people talking," he said. "I know that I'm different because I can't do some of the things I could do before, but am I really a freak?"

"No! Who said that?" Abby asked, angry now.

"It doesn't matter who said it. I just want to know if it's true."

"It's not. Yes, you're different, but we all know that and we have known it for a long time. Different doesn't mean freak," she said firmly.

"Okay."

Abby couldn't suppress a bit of a smile at Tim's easy agreement. She couldn't tell how much of that was because he just accepted what she said as true and how much was that he didn't want to talk about it anymore. Either way, it was one of the things that was different about him.

They got a couple of sandwiches and then walked back to Willard Park. They ate in almost complete silence until Tim looked over toward the Barry where a small group was walking up the gangplank to take the tour.

"I've seen him before."

"Who?" Abby asked, turning.

"That man over there. He's on the subway sometimes when I ride it...and other places."

"Really? Is he following you?"

Tim shrugged. "He's just around when I am. I haven't seen him walking after me."

Which meant he probably wasn't. Tim seemed to notice details, but he also didn't really seem to think about which ones were important and which ones weren't. They were all details. There was a little more silence.

"Abby?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm feeling weird today. Could you help me home after work?"

"On the Metro or just driving?"

Tim closed his eyes for a little while. Then, he opened them and looked at her.

"Driving, I think."

"Sure. If I have to stay late, I'll make sure someone else can. No worries. Is it bad?"

"No. Just weird...you know."

Abby nodded. She did, although she didn't really understand what it meant when Tim said he was feeling weird. He didn't ever elaborate beyond that the weirdness made it hard for him to manage the trip home alone. This was when Abby got worried. Tim lived alone, and there were times when it seemed like it probably wasn't a good idea for him to be alone...but how could she really suggest that he wasn't capable? ...and if he wasn't, what would he do?

"Do you have lots to do this afternoon?" she asked.

"No. Not really, but Vance asked me to do something different. Not sure why."

"What did he ask? Or is it classified?"

"Uh...he...didn't say it was classified. It's about the Allen site. I broke into it, but that doesn't tell us why he sent them to us."

"Does he think you can figure it out?"

"I guess. I don't know why he's asked me, but he wants me to talk with Ducky about it. So I guess I will. The stuff I can do, though...it's not about Allen himself. It's just the code. Living things...that's a lot harder. People are harder to figure out...like me."

Tim's expression became wistful. It was one of those moments when he seemed to really realize what he'd lost of himself, how much he'd changed. They all chose to focus on who he was now and how much was the same, but sometimes, even Tim noticed the differences...regretted the loss.

"Abby...are you sorry?"

"For what?"

"That I'm here?"

"No. Absolutely not, Tim. Don't ever think that I would be. Ever."

In a rare gesture, Tim took her hand and wove his fingers through hers. He looked at their hands.

"Sometimes...things are different. I know that Tony gets bothered by them. I know that you all get bothered by them, sometimes. I don't really...think about it a lot, but when I do...I know that it's different and that there's a reason you don't like it. I'm sorry. I wish I could change back, but I can't."

"It doesn't matter, Tim," Abby said, covering their clasped hands with hers. "It really doesn't matter. I am so glad you're here. I'm glad you're working at NCIS. I'm glad you're letting us be friends with you. I'm glad that you have your life. I'm glad about all those things. Are you happy?"

"I don't know."

"You don't?"

Tim looked up. "If being happy means being content with what I'm doing and the people I have around me, then, yes. Is that being happy?"

Abby cocked her head to the side. "Tim...don't you know what being happy is?"

"I used to. When I think about it, I can remember what it means, but now...here and now, in the present...is that being happy?"

This was new. No one had really thought about Tim losing that sense. How long had this been an issue? Or was it an issue at all? Abby thought about it, and Tim let her. He wasn't pushing, wasn't rushing. He didn't seem discomfitted by the silence at all.

"Tim...when you come to NCIS, how do you feel? Do you want to be here?"

"Yes. Definitely."

"Why?"

"It's what I've always done before. It's...what I want."

"But why is it what you want?"

The space between Tim's eyebrows puckered a little as he considered her question.

"Well...you're here...and so is Tony and Ziva and Jimmy and Ducky and...and even Gibbs...and Vance. My friends are here."

"You like being here?"

"Yes."

"You don't want to be anywhere else?"

"No."

"Well...I can't say for sure, since it's not me, but I think that sounds like you're happy. Maybe you just don't have the word for what you feel."

"Maybe not. When did I forget?"

"I don't know...but I don't think it's really about forgetting, more about getting the right label."

"Yeah...maybe."

For the first time in a while, Tim seemed bothered. Abby made a note to talk to Ducky about this. When it came to Tim's mental health, Ducky and Gibbs were the ones that could really get him talking about it...or get him to talk to someone else about it. It was harder with the others.

"Abby?"

"Yeah?"

"I want to go in, now."

He stood up.

"Okay. Let's go."

They walked inside, but Abby was happy to note that Tim didn't let her hand go until he went up to his office. She headed down to Autopsy, hoping to grab Ducky before he went to his meeting with Tim.

She found him just getting ready to head up.

"Ducky?" she asked.

"What is it, Abigail? I'm supposed to meet with Timothy in a few moments."

"I know. Tim told me...but he told me something else."

"What is it?"

"We were having lunch and Tim said that he didn't know what it meant to be happy...like he'd forgotten what the word meant or something...and he really seemed bothered by it, like...like he'd realized what he'd lost for the first time, but it's been almost two years and...and this just seemed different."

"All right. I'll see if he's willing to talk about it after we finish our tasks."

"Thanks. Tim has been doing so well lately. I just don't want him to start thinking that there's something wrong with him."

"That will be hard to avoid when there are so many who feel that way," Ducky said. "...including, I might add, at least one of his close friends."

Abby nodded. She knew that Tony was still struggling with it, but he kept it to himself, at least.

"I know, but...but this is different, Ducky."

"I agree, based on what you've said and I'll do my best to see what's going on."

Abby hugged him quickly.

"Thanks, Ducky."

"My pleasure."

Abby went back to her lab and got back to work, confident that Ducky would be able to do something to help.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Ducky walked into Tim's office and smiled at Tim's current position. He was leaning back in his chair, staring at the ceiling, one eye closed.

"Trying to get a different perspective, Timothy?"

Tim smiled.

"No. I've got that already," he said without shifting his gaze at all. "I'm trying to understand the perspective I have."

"A worthy pursuit."

Tim sat up and looked at Ducky.

"Director Vance wanted me to work with you on understanding Allen. I don't know why. Why do you think he wants me to do this?"

"Because you were able to get into his head and figure out what he did to protect his website."

"That wasn't him. That was just the Internet," Tim said. "I don't know anything about Allen. Sometimes, I can barely remember his name."

Ducky smiled.

"It's not about his name. It's about his ability."

"Well, he wanted us to get in," Tim said.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because it was so easy."

"It wasn't so easy for the FBI."

"They were using a sledgehammer when all they needed was a nail file."

Ducky chuckled at the analogy. Tim smiled a little, too.

"Maybe that's why I could get in and they couldn't. Maybe he knew what they would do."

"In which case, he didn't want the FBI to get to whatever he has."

"But why not?" Tim asked. "Do you think that he was worried about people at the FBI doing something wrong? That he found something...off?"

"Perhaps. We won't know until we get permission to continue our investigation."

Tim nodded.

"When will that happen?"

"I don't know. There is a lot of resistance from the FBI side, perhaps because of what you suggested."

Tim took a breath and looked around. Then, he leaned back again and stared at the ceiling.

"He knew what was he was doing. It wasn't an accident that he could do all that stuff. The passwords were layered and complicated, but once you figured out one, the rest just fell right into place. He figured on what they'd do. Maybe he didn't really want anyone in. Maybe he just wasn't ready for a person like me and what I can see."

"What can you see?"

"Patterns. I see patterns now...not like I used to. I can't explain what I see, but I see it."

Ducky judged that this might be the moment to bring up Abby's concerns.

"Abigail indicated that you seemed a bit disturbed earlier."

"I was. It's okay."

"In what way?"

"I'm different, Ducky."

"Yes, you are. You've known that for quite some time."

Tim sat up.

"But I don't really...feel the difference. I can see it but..."

"But now you do feel it?"

"I did. It's kind of gone now," Tim said. "There were people talking about me."

"Who?"

"Doesn't matter. I heard them and I was upset. I can do things I couldn't do before, but I can't do things that I could do before."

Tim looked around the office.

"This is who I am now. This place...and it's okay, but things are different and...I guess I was bothered by that feeling."

"And you're not now."

"Not really."

Ducky wasn't sure he believed Tim, but Tim wasn't putting off any air of concealment. He had admitted to being bothered and he now claimed he wasn't. Perhaps he really could throw it off that easily now.

"You should bring this up when you meet with your psychiatrist this week."

"Why?" Tim asked.

"Because it is something that could come up again."

"But it's okay."

Ducky smiled. "Yes, it is. Absolutely, but these are the kinds of things that you should mention."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I am."

"Okay. I will."

Such simple agreement. There was a vein of simplicity in Tim's thought processes now. Even though there was much that was complicated, there was also much that was simple. Tim easily agreed with some things but he could be extremely upset about other things. This was the simple part. He agreed.

"Good. Now, let us proceed through this tangled web that is the link between the emotions and the computer."

"Okay."

Ducky smiled again and scooted his chair closer to Tim's desk and they got to work.