Chapter 17

Naomi hesitated.

"Tim?"

"I don't like being here, Mom," Tim said. "I don't like how I feel here. I don't like that I can't get back to my routine. I need my routine. You know that I work better that way. I need my patterns because it helps me think. It's hard for me to think right now, and I want to think again."

"Tim, are you sure it's that simple?"

"No," Tim said, honestly. "I don't. I just know that...that I can't feel comfortable here. I can't feel...like myself, and I don't like it."

"Will you let me tell Dr. Khalid about it and see what he says?"

Tim nodded reluctantly. The same feelings that had made him worried about Gibbs being mad at him, about Tony being hurt, now were the feelings making him want to leave. Right now.

"All right. I'll go and find him as soon as your dad gets here."

"Not right now?" Tim asked.

"No. Not right now."

"Okay."

Tim sat and fidgeted.

"Tim?"

"Yeah?"

"Why now?"

Tim looked at his mother and tried to think of the words, but he didn't know what they were. Still, he tried.

"I looked at me in the mirror. ...and I'm there."

He could tell that Naomi didn't understand. So he tried again.

"I'm Tim McGee," he said. "That's who I see, and there's more about me than being alive. I have a life. I need it. It's not here. I see me, but not here. I need my life back."

Naomi looked at him for a few seconds and then hugged him tightly.

"Oh, Tim, I wish I could understand how your mind works now. I'm trying, but I'm just not quite understanding. ...but what I do know is that this is important to you, and so I'll talk to Dr. Khalid and have him give us his best ideas."

"Okay."

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Fornell sighed as the elevator rose to the balcony. The investigation had stalled a little bit. Tim had apparently done something to the site when he was on it last. No one at the FBI had been able to break through.

So he was coming to request Tim's help. He knew that Tim was still in the psychiatric wing of the hospital. He hadn't been back since everything had melted down. He hadn't expressed it aloud, but Fornell was relieved that Russell was dead. Dead, he'd soon be forgotten. A trial would simply have made what happened stay in the public eye for that much longer.

Technically, he could go the hospital himself, but, given the protective attitude everyone at NCIS had toward Tim, it would be better to cover his bases.

He walked to Vance's office and was admitted.

"Agent Fornell, what brings you here?" Vance asked.

"A couple of things, Director."

"What?"

"First, the FBI has determined that Agent McGee's actions do not warrant any charges. None will be filed for the death of Agent Norris Russell."

"Good of you since he was trying to kill Agent McGee," Vance said mildly.

"That's why they're not pursuing it. They'd rather have this be a minor footnote to the larger case...which is bad enough as it is. A twenty-year veteran exposed as a murderer and smuggler is not exactly the best publicity for the FBI."

"So..."

"First, I'm supposed to inform you of the current status, but I also have a request."

"What's your request?"

"From what little Agent McGee could tell me before, he managed to break through everything that Allen had set up. He knew exactly what was going on...but he also seems to have locked it back up again and no one at the FBI has been able to figure out what he did. We need him to open it up for us. Whatever additional evidence Allen had may lead us to Russell's buyers or just give us more information for what happened."

"And you want me to support your interrogation?"

Fornell sighed. "It's not an interrogation. All I want is for Agent McGee to open up the website again. We know that he's not guilty of anything but being good at his job. He's too good for the FBI tech guys. No one can follow what he did."

Vance sat back and looked at him.

"It so happens that I had a call just before you came from Agent McGee's mother. She was wondering if I'd be open to having him come back to work. He's apparently decided he needs to get his routine back and coming to work is part of that."

"Really."

"Yes. His doctor is a little more uncertain about this, but his parents are supportive. Can you give us a couple of days to work out what's going to happen?"

Fornell was shocked that Vance was even considering it, but he schooled his expression and nodded.

"Of course. If Agent McGee needs to get back into a routine, we can wait, but it would be better sooner than later."

"Understood."

Vance stood and Fornell got that he wasn't going to be encouraged to push. He really did regret what had happened to Tim, and he knew that he was being blamed as the only surviving representative of the people who had nearly killed Tim and, even worse, nearly disconnected his brain. They'd nearly lost Tim already and they wouldn't let that happen again.

He stood as well and left. As he headed back to his office, he thought about what he had seen in the hospital the last time he'd been there. Could Tim really have improved so much in so short a time?

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim knew that he had to stay calm, even as his mind was trying to tell him that he was afraid, that there was danger, that he had to get out and get free.

...but at the same time, he couldn't help being worried. What if Dr. Khalid didn't listen to him?

"Okay, Tim, I need you to listen to me and then I'll listen to you. Agreed?"

Tim nodded.

"Good." Dr. Khalid took a breath. "Your mother told me that you want to leave here and get back to your work. She has even called Director Vance to ask if he'd allow you back."

"And?"

"And he's open to it as long as you have medical clearance."

"Do I?"

"That's what we need to talk about."

"Okay. Then...we need to talk," Tim said.

"Up until a couple of days ago, Tim, you were barely coherent. I would even say that you were barely sane. The slightest mention of what happened could send you off. While you're definitely improving, and I'm thrilled, I'm worried that you're not really ready to face the real world again. Even when you were at your best, you had days when you got disoriented, when you couldn't make it places on your own. Are you sure that this is the best idea?"

Tim took a breath. He struggled to keep himself focused on the topic at hand, to think about the words he would need to say to make Dr. Khalid understand.

"I...I was looking at my reflection," he said. "I saw myself. Tim McGee. Dr. Khalid...I need my life, not just living. I don't have my life here. My routine. That's what keeps me...right. Without it...I keep...worrying. I need to be...doing things." He looked toward where his mind still supplied the blood stain. "So I can stop thinking about...about shooting...a gun. I need to be away."

"Do you think you're ready to be in your apartment alone?"

"No," Tim said. He knew he couldn't lie about that. "No, I'm not ready to be alone, and...and I need Jethro back, but I have to start...if I can."

"Who would stay with you?"

"Anyone who would do it," Tim said. "No one would want to stay for long. Tony wouldn't want to stay at all. I don't have an extra bed."

"You want to stay in your own apartment?"

"Yes. I need to. I need my routine again. I need to know that it's safe again. They came to my apartment. They took me from there. I need it to be safe for me again."

Dr. Khalid was silent. Tim had to breathe deeply to keep himself from getting panicked again.

"Do you understand?" he asked.

"I think I do, Tim," Dr. Khalid said.

Then, there was more silence.

Tim tried to wait.

"All right. Before you leave, you need to make a definite plan, Tim. You need to figure out who will stay with you, for how long, and you need to plan on meeting with Dr. Gingras every day. If it's not working, you need to promise me that you will be honest about it. I'm still worried that we're jumping too far, too fast, but I'm willing to let you try...as long as you're going to plan it out and not just run off."

Tim looked around the room he was in and then at Dr. Khalid and his mother.

"I couldn't just run off...could I."

"No, Tim," Naomi said. "You couldn't."

In spite of the panic that made him feel, Tim tried to keep himself calm still.

"I want to leave," he said. "I really want to go home."

"Then, we'll do it," Naomi said.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

It took another day to get everything arranged. Tim was afraid that no one would want to deal with him while he tried to adjust to living again. He was afraid that things wouldn't work out right. He was worried that Dr. Khalid would be right and it was the wrong time to be trying it.

He was surprised that everyone was willing to take a couple of nights on the floor of his apartment to help him adjust. He knew his parents were glad of it, too. They were willing to stay as long as Tim wanted them to, but he wanted to have them not there to pull him out if he had a meltdown. They couldn't be there to save him. Instead, he told them to go and let him try it out. They didn't want to let that happen, but they also felt they had to trust him and so they agreed...as long as he promised to call.

So, after a day, he went home.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"You ready, Tim?" Gibbs asked.

Tim looked at the door to his apartment.

"This is where they were," Tim said softly. "They were right there...when I came home. They took me away."

Gibbs squeezed Tim's shoulder, wishing, for the millionth time, that they had understood the reality of what Tim had told them.

"They're not there anymore. They never will be."

Tim nodded.

"I know."

"Good. Open your door."

Tim unlocked his door and opened it.

There was a bark and Tim smiled.

"Jethro," he said happily.

It was so rare that Tim expressed true happiness anymore that Gibbs found himself smiling in reaction to it. Tim ran forward and knelt in front of his dog and buried his face in his fur.

"Jethro, you're here."

"Feeling better?" Gibbs asked.

Tim nodded without looking up.

For the first time, Gibbs thought that this was a good idea. Tim already looked better than he had been in the hospital.

Maybe things would work out after all.