Chapter 20
Tony looked at his watch.
"Lunch time. I'll go get Tim."
"Are you sure?" Ziva asked. "I can go."
"No. I'm fine. You want to come with us, Bishop?" he asked.
Ellie looked up.
"Oh...I thought that was kind of you guys' thing," she said.
"It is, but if you're part of the team, you're welcome to come along, too," Tony said. "...but you don't have to if you don't want to."
"I've heard of him, of course," Ellie said. "Everyone in DC who works on the tech side of things has heard of Tim McGee, how amazing his skills are, how much he can do all on his own...and how he got that way. ...but...what's he like?"
Ziva smiled. "A little strange until you get used to him, but after that, he is a very nice person."
"He can't focus on a lot of things at once; so we usually try to keep the conversations simpler when he's with us. We go places that aren't as busy because he gets distracted."
"And we usually walk so that he gets outside during the day. He doesn't notice time passing when he works."
"And he wouldn't mind me being there?"
"As long as you don't treat him like he's stupid or like he's a freak," Tony said. "He's still smart, just has some challenges. And we don't accept people treating him bad."
"I wouldn't dream of it."
"Then, you're welcome to come. Do you want to?"
"Uh...sure."
"Don't sound so happy about it, Ellie. I might think you're enjoying yourself."
Ellie rolled her eyes, but she smiled.
Tony headed up to Tim's office. He paused at the closed door, hoping that things would be normal inside. He knocked.
"Come in."
Tony tensed a little as he opened the door. Tim was sitting at his computer, but it was off. Tim was staring at the ceiling, closing one eye and then the other.
"What are you doing, Tim?" Tony asked.
"Looking at the ceiling."
"Any particular reason why?"
"Don't you ever try to understand how what you see might be different from other people?"
"Not by staring at the ceiling."
"Yeah." Tim sat up and looked at him and then down at Jethro. "Is it time for lunch?"
"Yep. Ellie is coming with us. Hope you don't mind."
Tim shook his head. "No. Does she?"
"No. She might stare a bit, though."
"I can deal with that." He knelt down, hugged Jethro and then got up and followed Tony out of the office.
Tony thought Tim seemed a little distant, but that could just be because he was still adjusting. He didn't want to draw attention to it. Instead, they went down to the bullpen and all headed out, talking about nothing important.
"I'm not doing much yet," Tim said. "Vance said he wanted to take his time getting me back to normal."
"That is probably a good idea," Ziva said. "You have a lot to recover from."
"What have you been doing?" Ellie asked suddenly. Then, she flushed a little. "That is, if it's okay that I ask. I've heard a lot about you, Agent McGee."
"You have?" Tim asked, his brow furrowing.
Abby put out a hand and stopped him from stepping into the street.
"I've never worked with the NSA, and I know I haven't worked with you before."
"Because you're famous, Agent McGee," Ellie said. "At least, you are to people like me."
"Why? I'm doing the same kinds of things I was before."
Ellie shook her head, oblivious to the looks she was getting. "No, what you've been doing is way different. From what I've heard, it's like when I get into a groove only multiplied by a factor of a hundred, at least. I think it's amazing."
"Oh...uh...thanks," Tim said.
"Okay. Too far? It was too far, wasn't it," Ellie said.
"Maybe a touch," Tony said.
"It's okay," Tim said. "I'm...flattered. ...I think."
Ellie laughed and they continued on their way. They had lunch. Tim didn't contribute much to the conversation. He tried to listen, but he got distracted more than usual. Tony noticed, and he just hoped that it was nothing.
Suddenly, just before they finished, Tim refocused on them.
"What if I moved?" he asked.
"Uh...what?" Abby asked. "What do you mean, Tim?"
"If I moved from my apartment and lived somewhere else."
"You're going to move?" Jimmy asked.
"What if I did? What would that mean?"
"You'd have a new address?" Tony suggested.
"No. That's not what I'm asking," Tim said.
"Then, what do you mean?" Ziva asked. "I do not think we understand."
"What would that mean about me?" Tim asked. "Who I am?"
"Nothing," Tony said after a moment of confused silence. "Why would it mean anything about you? Your apartment isn't you."
"It isn't?" Tim asked.
"No!" Abby said. "No, not at all, Tim! Your apartment is just a place. It doesn't have anything to do with you. Well, it does, but it's not who you are."
"Yeah, your apartment is small and cramped and not really all that impressive," Jimmy said. "And that's not you at all."
Tim smiled a little, but he seemed bothered.
"Are you moving, Tim?" Tony asked.
"Not right now...but what if I did?"
"Then, you'd better not move very far," Abby said.
"And you'd better let us know where you move to," Jimmy added.
"That's all?"
"We'll help you pack?" Tony said, wondering what Tim was trying to get at. Something about the way Tim was asking made it seem a lot more important than it should...but then, that was Tim.
Tim just shrugged and then, he stood.
"I'm done."
"Okay. I'm fine with that," Tony said. "Anyone else?"
"As long as I can get a doggie bag for my leftovers," Ellie said. She ran to the counter and got a bag. She came back, wrapped up her leftover sandwich and then put it and her chips in the bag. "Don't want to waste anything."
They left, this time with Tim in the lead. However, he didn't stay in the lead because Jethro forced him to slow down and the others were there to make sure he didn't wander into the road. Tony could tell that there was something going on. It wasn't like before, but it was something.
He decided that, even though he was probably not the best person to be doing it, he would ask Tim if something was wrong. Better that than to let him slip away again because they hadn't been paying attention.
When they got back to NCIS, Tony unobtrusively followed Tim back up to his office. He knew that everyone noticed, but he just kept on talking, acting as if this was normal. When they got back and went up the stairs, Tim gave Tony a look, but said nothing about it. As soon as they were inside, Tim raised his eyebrows.
"You're following me, Tony. I'm not having the same problem I was. Really."
"But something's going on. I can tell."
"I don't want to talk about it," Tim said and sat down at his desk.
Jethro sat up, panting eagerly. Tim smiled and gave him a dog treat.
"Why not?" Tony asked. "I'm not going to push you if that's what you've decided, but why don't you want to talk about it?"
"Because I don't," Tim said. "I want to keep it to myself for now. I'm allowed to have privacy!"
"Whoa, Tim. I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to make you upset." After Tim's last breakdown, that was the last thing Tony wanted to do.
"It's just something that I need to do. If I want to tell you, I will."
"Okay."
Tony turned back to leave.
"Tony?"
"Yeah?"
"Am I still me?"
"Yeah."
"Are you sure? Could anything change that?"
Tony turned back with a furrowed brow.
"Like what?"
Tim shrugged. "Anything?"
"I can't think of anything."
"Why not?"
"Uh...because...you're still you. I know I'm not the best at understanding that all the time, but..."
"Am I, though? I'm different, Tony. You know it. I know it. Everyone knows that I'm different."
"Sure, but that doesn't mean that you're not yourself. Everyone changes. I'm not the same as I was before. I didn't take a bullet but..." Tony took a deep breath. "...but my friend did and I couldn't stay the same after that. ...but I'm still me, just different. Same with you."
Tim furrowed his brow and then nodded. Without another word, he turned back to his computer and started working. Tony stared at him for a moment and then left.
When he got to his desk, he brushed off Ziva's question about what he was doing and pulled up some song lyrics. It seemed like forever ago that he and Ziva had read the lyrics of the old Kansas song Tim had been listening to.
Masquerading as a man with a reason,
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man
Well, it surely means that I don't know.
On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about, I'm like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune
But I hear the voices say
Carry on. What choice did Tim have, really? He could live and carry on or he could die, and he had said that he didn't want that. Tony believed him, but he wondered how hard it was for Tim to get along in the world that had changed but not as drastically as he had. What part of that song had actually resonated with Tim? How much of it was just the feelings of that one moment?
...and at the end of all this, did it really matter?
Tony didn't know, and he wouldn't claim that he did.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Tim sighed and worried for a few minutes after Tony left, but then, he really did get back to work. It was better to work than to worry, if he could manage it.
After an unknown passage of time, there was a tentative knock on the door. He heard it, but it didn't really register. Jethro started nudging him, bringing him out of the zone and he heard the soft knock again. He turned around.
"Come in?"
The door opened and Ellie poked her head in.
"Hi," she said.
"Uh...hi."
She stepped inside.
"I don't want to bug you. I'm sure you're busy, but I just wanted to say how much I really admire what you do."
"Why?" Tim asked. That was one of the oddest things he'd heard. He was managing to live and work after being shot in the head. There wasn't a lot to admire.
Ellie smiled. She seemed a bit awkward, but Tim was relieved that he couldn't see the kind of derision in her eyes that others seemed to feel.
"It's just that...you can do so much. I didn't know you before, of course, but I think that it's amazing what you do. It was an honor to meet you today, and any amount of work I do with you will be wonderful."
Tim wasn't sure how to respond.
"Uh...you may not think that if you actually work with me."
"Why?"
"Because I see different things. I can't describe them, but I do, and people don't know how to deal with them because it makes me different. Some people think I'm a freak."
Ellie furrowed her brow for a moment. Then, her expression cleared.
"That's okay with me."
"Why?" Tim asked. "Why is it okay with you?"
"Because it's okay with your friends. All they care about is you being okay, and you seem to be...more or less. I mean, I didn't know you before. I can't compare...but you're not crazy."
"Not right now. I was."
"I heard about it. I'm sorry for that. Doesn't seem fair."
"No. It's not."
"How different is it for you than it was...if you don't mind my asking?"
Tim shrugged. "I don't know, really."
"You don't?"
"I don't really...remember how it felt. I remember the events, but I can't remember the feelings. I just know that I can't do what I did before."
"Well, I don't want to stand here staring at you, but I hope you don't mind that I'm part of the team."
"I'm never going to be there again," Tim said and realized that he'd never said that before. It was understood, but not spoken. "Someone has to be."
Ellie smiled with an emotion Tim couldn't quite understand.
"Well, thanks. I'd better get back to work before Tony and Ziva start teasing me again. I'm still glad that I have a chance to know you, Agent McGee."
Tim just nodded and watched her go. After the door closed, he stared at it. She wanted to know him...and she had called him by his name. Tim looked down at Jethro.
"What's right, Jethro?" he asked. "What do I do? Can I be me? Does Ellie know me as I am? Does she know Tim McGee or is it someone else?"
Jethro whined at him. Tim knelt on the floor and hugged his dog tightly.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
"What do you think, Duck?" Gibbs asked.
Ducky shook his head. "I don't know, Jethro. It remains to be seen if Timothy can think logically about this. Where he's hung on to the idea that he has to be in his apartment to be himself...I can't predict what his choice will be, but I still feel that it's a risk to let him live alone. We just didn't realize how dangerous it was before, but it's always had this element of risk. I hope, for his sake, that he can see it himself."
"And if he doesn't?"
"I don't know. We'll have to see what we can do to help him."
"Well, it's about time to go. It's my last night at his place. Tony will notice the same things I did."
"Yes, he will."
Gibbs got to his feet to go, but the doors to Autopsy opened, and Tim walked in, Jethro trotting faithfully by his side. Since he'd come back to work at NCIS, the number of times Tim had noticed that the day was over could be counted on one hand.
"Timothy, I'm surprised to see you down here."
"Am I late, Tim?" Gibbs asked.
Tim's brow furrowed in a momentary confusion. So he hadn't noticed the time.
"Did you have something you needed?"
"I've decided," Tim said.
"About what?"
"You told me to think. I have. I've decided."
"What have you decided?" Ducky asked.