Chapter 21

Tim began rubbing at his scar. He was worried about what he'd decided.

"Timothy?" Ducky asked.

He walked over to where Tim was standing. He reached out, but Tim turned away from him.

"Timothy. You said you'd decided."

Gibbs walked over to him as well. Tim wouldn't look at him, either.

"Tim, what is it?"

Tim kept rubbing his hand over the scar on his forehead. Gibbs reached out and gently pulled Tim's hand down.

"Tim."

"You don't think I should live alone."

"No, I don't."

"Because I can't handle it."

"Because there's a risk. We've already seen what can happen."

"Because I'm different."

"Yes," Ducky said. "There's no questioning that, but that doesn't have to be all bad, Timothy. It's just that there are different challenges you didn't have before and you must adapt accordingly."

"But why?" Tim asked, pleading for the answer he wanted, not what was true.

It was times like this that Tim seemed more like a child than an adult. He knew the truth, but he was trying to change it, trying to get others to change it for him. Gibbs looked at Ducky who took a breath and then gently put his arm around Tim's shoulders and led him to an autopsy table. Tim sat on it, rubbing at his scar again.

"Timothy, this is the life you have, and since it is life, you need to cherish and protect it. There's no reason to risk it needlessly, and we care about that."

Tim swallowed hard and started to cry again.

"Tim, if that's how you feel, we're not going to force you to listen to us," Gibbs said.

Tim shook his head.

"N-No... I know...I know that...that...y-y-you're right. I know, but..." The tears overwhelmed him and that's all he could say.

"Timothy, I know you're afraid of changing, but you don't need to be. We'll take it slowly, carefully. We'll plan it out, whatever you choose."

"But you need to say it, Tim," Gibbs said. "It needs to be you. Not us."

Tim took a breath...and then, another one. He looked at Gibbs and then, at Ducky.

"Can I live with you, Ducky?" he asked in a soft voice.

"Of course. I offered my home as a possibility, but you don't have to feel that it's necessary that you do that. You can..."

"You said that I could," Tim said. "Did you mean it?"

"Of course," Ducky said. "I wouldn't have suggested it if I didn't mean it. Are you sure that's what you want?"

"I lived with you before," Tim said.

Ducky smiled. "Yes, you did, and you were a courteous guest."

Tim didn't smile. It was clear that, while he was acknowledging that it was the best idea, he wasn't happy about the decision.

"Can I still ride the Metro to work sometimes?"

"Of course, Timothy."

Tim licked his lips and stared at the floor.

"Can I be alone sometimes?"

"Yes. Timothy, we don't have to figure everything out right this moment."

"Then...can I go home, now?" Tim asked.

"Yes," Gibbs said. "Let's go."

He raised an eyebrow at Ducky.

"Timothy, we'll talk about this more on the weekend."

"What do I tell everyone else?" Tim asked softly.

"That you're moving and you could use some help packing," Gibbs said.

"But they'll ask why."

"Timothy, you can tell them whatever you wish to. If you don't want to say that it was our suggestion, that's fine. If you do want to say it was our suggestion, that's fine."

"Okay."

Tim walked out of Autopsy with Gibbs. They went back to Tim's apartment in silence. Gibbs couldn't read Tim's expression although he could guess that part of it was just Tim still being upset.

Tim went to bed early, or at least, he went into his room and turned off the light. Gibbs stared at the closed door. Then, he took a breath and looked around Tim's apartment. He really looked at it, for maybe the first time. It was filled to the brim, nearly bursting with stuff. Much of it, though, had an unused look to it. Many of the books were dusty. Tim's computer junk clearly hadn't been touched in ages. Was Tim just not interested in it anymore? Or was it that it took so much concentration to get through a day that he didn't have time or energy for it any longer? Would Ducky's house have enough space for all this? What if it didn't? Would Tim be willing to give some of it up? Then, Gibbs walked over to Tim's typewriter. If anything had typified the essence of who Tim was before, it was this typewriter. He couldn't tell if it had been used, but it had definitely been cared for. Certainly, Tim hadn't been using it while Gibbs was there, but then, this was a different situation. Tim was almost back to normal, well, normal for him. But there were other things going on, not the least of which was Ducky and Gibbs asking him to think about leaving this place.

It was a hard thing they were asking of him, and it was to his credit that he had been able to think about it at all, let alone agree with them. Gibbs felt they were right about this, but he knew it was hard for Tim to accept it.

He lay down on the floor, thinking that it would be nice to sleep in a bed again, but he didn't sleep for a long time. He just lay in the dark, hoping that Tim could still be happy with the dramatic change in his life.

It was a couple of hours later, and the door to Tim's bedroom opened. Gibbs sat up.

"What is it, Tim?"

"Boss...will you take me somewhere?"

"Right now? After midnight?"

"Yes. Will you?"

"Where?"

"Will you take me?"

"I have to know where you want to go," Gibbs said.

"Out of the city. Into the open. In the dark."

"Why?" Gibbs asked. While they had addressed Tim's worries about leaving DC, Tim hadn't shown much interest in leaving the city once he had come back from Ohio.

"The sky is clear."

Stargazing? Now? Gibbs wished that he could understand Tim's mindset, but he didn't, not most of the time. But he wasn't sleeping anyway. It wouldn't hurt to take Tim out to see the stars.

"Any particular place?"

"West."

"Okay. Let's go."

Gibbs grabbed some shoes, a jacket and his keys and went out to his car. Tim got in and let Gibbs drive in silence. About fifteen minutes later, they were beginning to leave some of the brighter lights behind. Finally, after half an hour, Tim grabbed his arm.

"There's a place. Turn off."

Gibbs did as he was told. He pulled off the road and Tim got out without waiting. He hurried to the middle of a small, open field. Then, he stared up at the stars.

"What are you looking at, Tim?"

Tim stared for a long time without answering. Then, he sighed, but it wasn't his usual sigh of frustration or resignation. It was a sound of contentment that Gibbs rarely heard from Tim anymore.

"This is the only place where I can't see the patterns," he said quietly.

"What patterns?"

"The patterns I always see, in my vision, in my eyes. They're always there, but in the dark, I can't see them. It's a meteor shower tonight. I saw it, and I wanted to see it...without the patterns...and it's okay that I can see them. They help, but I don't have to see the patterns here. I don't have the pressure of seeing past them, of seeing through them, of knowing what they mean."

"And what do they mean?"

"It doesn't matter right now," Tim said. "All that matters is...up there."

"How long do you want to stay out here?"

Tim just shrugged and didn't look away from the sky. After a while he lay down on the grass and kept watching. Gibbs could see that Tim wasn't leaving any time soon; so he lay down as well and looked up.

"There's one!" Tim said, pointing.

Gibbs missed it. The meteor was faster than his eyes.

For the next hour, Tim just lay where he was, occasionally pointing at the shooting stars when they came. Gibbs began to get a feel for where they would be appearing and he saw more of them.

It was getting chilly.

"Tim, are you ready to go back yet?"

"No."

Gibbs smiled to himself. There was another difference. The hint that they should leave was missed completely.

After another half an hour, Gibbs noticed a change in Tim's breathing. He looked over and saw that Tim was asleep. He sat up and looked at the man beside him. Tim had faced a lot of challenges, and he would for the rest of his life. There was no reason to think that he wouldn't live a normal life span. Ducky wouldn't live forever. Neither would Gibbs. Was moving him in with the oldest friend he had really the best option? ...but then, Tim himself had chosen. Maybe this was the best way to get Tim in the right frame of mind. Live with someone he'd already lived with for a while and see that he could still be himself that way. Then, if necessary, he could find a different roommate. Would it be useful to tell Tim to think about that eventuality? Probably not. Tim didn't plan much in advance. He lived much more in the moment than he had. He just couldn't work in the same way and that was fine. There would be others to take those problems into account later on.

For now, however, Tim needed to wake up and go home.

Gibbs leaned over and shook Tim gently.

"Tim, it's really late. Time to go home."

Tim opened his eyes.

"I fell asleep?"

"Yeah."

Tim sat up and then, looked up into the sky again.

"There's one!" he said, pointing.

Gibbs looked up, but it was already gone. He smiled. That's pretty much how he always felt about Tim. Never quite in the same moment.

"Time to go," he said again.

Tim stood up and walked back to the car. He was strangely relaxed after his tension throughout the day. Gibbs debated whether or not he should break that relaxation...and decided that there was no reason to do that right now. Let Tim be relaxed, content...even happy. It was rare enough for him, lately.

He drove Tim back to his apartment. They got out and went inside. Tim headed for his room, but then, he turned back.

"Boss?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't want to be someone else. I want to be me."

"You are. You will always be you. Nothing can take that from you."

"Not even this?" Tim asked, pointing at the scar on his head.

"Not even that. It changed you, but it didn't kill you. So you are still Tim McGee. Anyone who tries to say differently is wrong."

Tim looked at him and then, he walked over and hugged Gibbs quickly.

"Thank you."

Then, he walked back into his bedroom and closed the door. Gibbs smiled and lay back down. Whatever had led to that change, Gibbs was glad to see Tim less fearful.

The lights were out. It was dark.

Gibbs went to sleep.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"I'm going to move to Ducky's place," Tim said with no preamble.

There was a moment of stunned silence. It was dinnertime and they were on their way to get something to eat. Tim hadn't been saying anything. Tony had been talking, but Tim had broken into the conversation with that statement.

"What do you mean?" Ziva asked. "Why would you do that?"

"Tim, when did this happen?" Abby asked.

"Let him talk, guys," Tony said quickly. He didn't want to have Tim get pushed into anger again.

"Thanks," Tim said. "I'm going to move into Ducky's house. He has room. He said I could."

"Why?" Jimmy asked.

"Because I...I have problems, sometimes, and Ducky and Gibbs suggested that I should think about it. So...I did. They're right. I don't want to get lost, messed up... I don't want to go crazy again. Sometimes, I need help. If someone is there, I can have help when I need it. So...I'm going to move."

Another moment of silence.

Tony tried to think about what to say. There was no question that he liked the idea of Tim having someone always there, but it was still a surprise...and how to say that he was glad without stomping on whatever reservations Tim might have?

"Are you happy about it?" Jimmy asked.

"No," Tim said. "But it's the best idea, and maybe I can like it. Ducky said that I could still be me."

"Of course, you can!" Abby said. "You're always you, and that'll be fun! Living with Ducky would be a blast, and you know that if you wanted time to yourself, he wouldn't force himself on you. ...like I would." She grinned.

Tim smiled at her.

"You don't mind?"

"It's your life, Tim," Tony said. "We don't have the right to mind."

"But do you mind?"

"No. I think it's probably a good idea, even if I would never have thought of it."

"You think so?"

"Yes," Ziva said. "I would not have thought that you would be willing to consider it, even. I am proud of you for doing that."

"Thanks."

Tim looked around at them all, and then, he smiled.

"Thank you."

Abby hugged him tightly.

"Now, should we go to dinner? I think Ellie's about to starve."

Ellie laughed. "I can wait. ...as long as we still get to eat."

Tony laughed. "We'll eat. You ready, Tim?"

"Yeah."

"Then, let's go. ...and when, it's time for you to move, we'll help you pack."

Tony was rewarded with a smile. Whatever came of this, he was sure that it would be good.