A/N- Thank you guys for the reviews! Hope you like the next installment! R&R! You guys are all the best and make me so happy!
By the time they admitted Emma and David and Snow arrived, Regina had pulled herself together. She sat in a chair next to the bed Emma was sleeping in, in the room they had transferred her to. Regina watched her girlfriend sleep and let her mind work at an attempt of figuring out what exactly had set the blonde into the downward spiral that led to where they were now. Dr. Whale had called Archie to talk to Emma, and he was now waiting outside of the room with the Charmings for Emma to wake up. They hadn't even needed to sedate the blonde, which was hard for Regina to deal with, because Emma, her Emma, the one she had grown so used to having around, would never have allowed herself to be hospitalized without severe physical injury.
Regina recognized depression; she had felt it for the majority of her life. Crippling was the only word she could find to accurately describe it, but it was something she hadn't noticed in Emma until she had almost completely stopped eating, and even then she was in denial about the severity of it. She should have gotten Emma to see someone sooner, she felt guilty because maybe it wouldn't have gotten so bad had she helped differently than she had.
Emma was the strongest person she knew, she could pull through this. She had to. Yet, Regina chastised herself over and over for considering Emma's strength when thinking about her recovery. She knew better than most that depression didn't make you weak, it only reminded you that you were human. She tried to figure out if Emma had ever mentioned having depression like this when she was pregnant with Henry, but she reminded herself that she and Emma were too alike. Even if somewhere, deep down, they knew that depression wasn't a sign of weakness, they would still feel weak, themselves, for succumbing to the effects of it, and Emma never would have told her such a thing about herself.
Emma's eyes started fluttering lightly and the hand that Regina wasn't holding rose to her face and brushed against the tube that was pushed in through her nose to feed her. Emma tried to tug at it, but Regina stood and took the hand into her own, so both of her hands were each holding one pale one.
"Emma, darling, you're awake," Regina greeted in a low voice and with a small smile. When Emma's eyes changed their focus to look at Regina, the green eyes avoided hers, looking everywhere on her face except for the chocolate eyes that wanted to grab her attention. "Darling, I'm here, you're ok." She let go of one of Emma's hands so she could bring her right hand up to her pale cheek and stroke the skin there, cupping it in her hand. "Beautiful Emma, can I get you anything?"
Emma shook her head and looked around the room, taking in the surroundings and she finally realized where they were.
"Dr. Whale had to admit you, darling."
"But…why?" Emma finally spoke, her voice cracking from lack of use.
"The baby, our baby isn't developing at the rate they desire, so they have to keep you here for as long as they can, to make sure the baby is getting the proper nourishment that it needs. Since you're 28 weeks, the likelihood that the baby would survive, should they have to deliver, is pretty good, but they're hoping to drag out the pregnancy as long as possible while monitoring the growth. They're hoping that the baby will grow enough in the next couple weeks that they can go ahead and do a cesarean."
"A couple weeks?"
"Yes, my dear. I'm sorry. I wish I could have helped better."
Emma began crying, no, sobbing described it better, her body heaving with broken cries and noises. Regina wrapped her arms around Emma, noticing that the other woman somehow felt smaller than she usually did.
"I'm sorry, baby. I'm here, shhh…shhh…" she cooed.
"Regina…take me home, please? I'll be better. I promise. I'll eat…I'll smile again. I'll…I promise, please? I'll be better for you, for this baby. Please don't leave me here!" Emma's cries and pleas ripped through Regina's heart and crushed her lungs, leaving the brunette near tears herself. She wouldn't cry, not while she was in Emma's arms trying to comfort her.
"Baby, don't think you have to be better. You're perfect, Emma. They just need to watch the baby, ok? This baby, you and the baby are both in danger right now and Dr. Whale wants to keep an eye out for you to make sure you're both ok. Please don't think this is because you're sad. Ok? You're perfect, Emma. You don't need to be better. I want you to be happy, but you don't have to make yourself be happy to make me stay with you. I'm not leaving you. I'm going to be in this hospital as long as you are, I'm only going to leave when I need to change clothes and shower, ok? I'm going to be here the whole time."
Emma nodded into her shoulder, still sobbing. "Regina, please…don't be mad at me."
"Emma, my darling, I could never be mad at you."
"But I'm hurting our baby."
"Oh sweetheart, it's not your fault. It happens sometimes. I don't blame you." She sat on the bed next to Emma's hip and pulled the other woman's upper body against her so she was very nearly cradling it and she rocked back and forth slowly. "Hey, Emma, you know what Dr. Whale told me?"
Emma shook her head. "What?"
"I think it was an accident, since we told him we wanted to be surprised, but he told me we're having a little boy. Isn't that cool?" She flinched at the sound of her own voice and her use of a word she would never have said in any other circumstance. She was trying to find the right line of what to say and what not to say. "I'm excited, I kept thinking we would have a girl, and it was so easy to picture her being such a sweet little mixture of you and me. I wonder what this one will look like," she added, running a hand over Emma's stomach.
"A boy?" Emma asked in a lighter tone.
"A boy," Regina echoed with a small and forced smile. "I can't stop wondering how much he's going to look like each of us." She lied. She hadn't thought of what he would look like at all, but she wasn't going to sit there and tell Emma that all she could think about was whether her girlfriend was going to be able to pull through this depression and get back to her usual self. She didn't want to make Emma feel badly for hurting, that was something no one should ever feel ashamed of, but she knew Emma would. Still, now that she had mentioned it, she was curious what their little boy would look like.
"I hope he looks like you," Emma whispered.
"I don't know, if he looks like you he'll probably look a lot like Henry, and you made a handsome kid in Henry."
"Yeah, but he already looks like me, we should have one that looks like you, too. I can't…I can't do this again, Regina." Emma broke down and sobbed more. Regina didn't know if she was crying for her pain or at the thought of not being able to have more children, three more like they had discussed in Neverland.
"Emma, don't worry about it. He'll be a perfect little addition to our family. And if we decide later on down the road that we want another, we can adopt a child from the system, give a child a home instead of them being in the system." Emma whimpered and offered a slight nod.
"Regina?"
"Yes baby?"
"Do you…do you think Rumplestiltskin can fix me?"
"Fix you?"
"You know…make me better?"
"Emma, darling, no. I'm sorry. First, you aren't broken, so you can't be fixed. And second, things like this, they can't be messed with by magic. If they could, well, I probably would have never desired to set the curse."
"Oh. You've felt like this before?"
"I can't say I've felt exactly like you're feeling, but I've been down pretty low before."
"So…it'll get better?"
"It will, sweetheart. You know, Archie came to see you. He wants to talk to you…um, he's waiting outside of the room for you. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to, but I think that you should. Anything you're feeling that you don't feel comfortable sharing with me, he'll listen to you and he won't tell anybody, ok?"
"I don't want to talk."
"I know. But, he does have to come in here, and I have to wait outside. I'm going to get a coffee and talk to your parents for a little bit, while he's in here, ok? I'll be right outside the door after I get my coffee, you just call my name when you're done and I'll come right back in, ok?" Emma nodded, so Regina kissed her forehead before placing a feather-light kiss on her pale lips and disentangled their bodies so she could stand. She took her purse from the floor and walked out of the room.
"Regina," Archie greeted. "How's she doing?"
"Not well. She's blaming herself, of course, and she doesn't really want to talk, so she might not say anything. But, maybe she will, I don't know. Take care of her, ok?" He nodded and headed into the room. She turned to look at David and Snow, and tried to give a smile, which really only ended up looking like a grimace. "I'm going to get coffee, then we'll talk." The pair nodded and Regina walked off down the hall.
She stood in the bathroom, finally letting her tears fall down her face. She had been trying to be strong for Emma so that the blonde wouldn't feel badly for being sad, but she wasn't sure how much longer she could watch her girlfriend fall apart. She let herself cry freely for several minutes until she felt like she could keep herself composed. She rinsed her face with cold water and reapplied light make-up before she exited the bathroom and found a coffee cart to purchase a coffee from. When she got back to the door outside of Emma's room, back to Snow and David, she was ready to talk to them.
"I'll need you guys to keep Henry a little while."
"Of course, Regina. Whatever we can do to help," Snow agreed.
"Will she be alright?" David asked.
"I hope so. She's severely depressed. We've been through a lot since she's been pregnant and you know the emotional strain that can cause, and then all of the extra hormones on top of it certainly aren't helping. I fear it may be my fault, too."
"Why do you say that, Regina?"
"The night you guys had Henry, when Emma had our time alone…before we went to sleep she brought up how she didn't feel like she was doing enough in our relationship. She felt as though her finances were insignificant and she was upset that she couldn't help more with our bills and the medical expenses of doctors appointments."
"Oh?"
"And I told her not to concern herself with it, that money wasn't a problem. But I think maybe she still somehow took it to heart and I think that maybe it pushed her over the edge."
"Regina, don't blame yourself. I was really depressed when I was pregnant with Emma."
"Of course you were, I told you at your wedding that I was setting a curse after you. This is different. This is out of my league and I don't know how to help her."
"Just be there for her, she loves you and we can see how much you love her, just be there and she'll be OK with that. We'll all be here to help her get better," David added. Then he and Snow both pulled Regina in for a three person hug, and even though she was completely out of her element, and wasn't ready to be that chummy with Snow, it comforted her.
She glanced at the clock above the nurse's station and realized that Henry would be getting out of school soon. She pulled away from her girlfriend's parents and asked David if he could retrieve Henry from school and bring him to the hospital so he could explain what was going on. David, of course, agreed, checking on Emma before he went since Archie just came out of the room.
"Archie?" Regina called.
"Regina," he replied breathily. "She's…this is going to take a lot of care. The entire time I was in there with her the only person she wanted was you. And while that's good, that she at least wants someone to be with her instead of desiring solitude, she is going to be very dependent on you for a while and that isn't necessarily very healthy."
"It isn't necessarily unhealthy, either!" she snapped. She realized by the shocked look on Snow's face that she was being too harsh and offered an apology.
"I understand, Regina. I really and truly do, but I think it will be good if David and Snow, and even Henry come often to see her, to try to gently coax her into talking to more people than you. And, I would like to come back a couple of times a week, if that's acceptable to you."
"Of course, I would appreciate that. Perhaps waiting a couple of days would be best, though?"
"I understand. I will await your call, alright?"
"Very well, thank you."
"Hey Emma," David greeted, trying to sound cheerful.
She merely glanced at him before turning her eyes to stare back into the emptiness in the middle of the room.
"I'm going to get Henry from school. I'm going to bring him back here to see you. I think it'll be good. He'll be excited to hear the baby's heartbeat I think." She still didn't respond, even though by now he was right next to the bed. "Baby, Emma sweetie," he whispered, cupping her cheek with one hand and using the other to brush some stray hairs out of her face. "I'm here, if you need to talk to a man who isn't going to have a temper about things, or if you just want to talk about something you feel bad talking to Regina about. You'll be ok, baby. I'm supposed to protect you, that's what fathers do, so you just let me know if you need me to do anything." He paused a minute before gently adding, "are you listening to me, Emma?"
She gave a small but obvious nod and he kissed her forehead and walked out of the room.
Snow and Regina were standing in silence, leaning against the wall for support. Regina looked like she was going to break any moment and Snow appeared to be making an attempt at being strong. David rubbed Regina's upper arm and gave it a gentle squeeze.
"I believe she wants to see you, Regina. I'll be back in… about 45 minutes with Henry?" He checked his watch and nodded. "Should I stop and get any food for you guys?"
Regina wanted to tell him no, she didn't have it in her to care about eating. But, she knew she needed to eat in front of Emma and try to get her girlfriend to want to eat on her own instead of through a tube.
"Yes, will you get me a chicken Caesar salad and grab a burger and fries for Emma?" When David looked as if he might protest, she just put up her hand. " David, I have to try. Even if she eats one fry, it will be worth it. Get Henry whatever he wants, but no milkshake, he can have a hot chocolate if he wants."
"I'll have a chicken Panini," Snow stated. David nodded.
"Probably be closer to an hour, I'll be back soon."
"Did you want to go see her?" Regina asked.
"I do, but I will wait. It sounds like she wants you, so you go be with her. I'll come in a little later."
"Thank you," Regina said, offering a small smile before turning to go into Emma's room.
"Hey baby," Regina whispered walking into the room. Emma's face lit up in a way that she hadn't seen in a few days. "How are you feeling?"
"Fine," Emma replied, though only in a half-attempt at convincing.
"Liar," Regina teased. "You know…you can tell me how you're really feeling and I'm still going to be right here to be with you."
"I ache. My whole body hurts. I've never felt so weak in my entire life."
The brunette hummed and moved to sit on the end of the bed, taking Emma's feet into her lap. She picked one of them up and gingerly began massaging her thumbs into the sole of her foot. Emma relaxed into her touch, and Regina continued until she had worked the foot for several minutes, then put it down to pick up the other.
She massaged Emma's second foot and both of her legs up to her hips while the women stayed in silence. Occasionally Emma would whimper, appreciating her girlfriend's touch. The brunette stood, taking a pale hand in her own and massaging that, and all the way up her arm, then repeated the process with her other hand and arm. After the limbs were all taken care of, Regina pushed Emma's back off the bed and kicked off her heels, climbing into the bed behind her. She gently massaged her shoulders and all the way down her back. She spent nearly an hour going through the routine, until she heard a knock at the door.
"Come in," she called, remaining seated behind Emma with her legs wrapped around the blonde's waist. David, Henry and Snow entered.
"Is it alright if we join you guys for a late lunch?" David asked.
Regina looked to Emma who looked far more relaxed than she had an hour ago but her eyes were widened and nervous. Still, the blonde nodded.
"Sure," Regina replied. Regina started to move, but Emma placed her hands on her shins and shook her head.
"Can you stay there?" Emma requested.
"Of course, darling. You'll have to help me eat my food."
"I can do that."
Everyone was seated and eating, with the exception of Emma, whose food was sitting on the bed table in front of her, next to Regina's food. Emma picked at Regina's salad with a fork and easily fed the brunette. Regina would kiss Emma's cheek every time she was ready for another bite and Emma would comply by shoveling another forkful of food past full, red lips.
After the whole group had eaten, Snow stood and pulled David's hand. "We'll be outside, send Henry out when you're ready, ok?" Regina nodded and Snow kissed Emma on the forehead, offering a reassuring squeeze on Regina's bicep.
"Ready for what?" Emma asked.
"Your parents are going to keep Henry for a little while until you're ready to go home, since I'm going to be staying here with you."
"That's not…you don't have…Regina…"
"No arguments. I'm here and I'm staying, except to go take care of myself with a shower and a change of clothes, like I told you earlier."
"Are you ok, ma?"
"I'll be ok."
"Henry, sweetheart," Regina started, climbing off the bed. "Mama is having a hard time with the baby inside of her, ok? She'll be ok, but right now we have to take extra good care of her."
"But what about me? I don't want to not see her at all!"
"I know, baby. You can come everyday after school and stay until it's time to get ready for bed, only if you promise you will do your homework while you're here, ok?" He nodded vigorously. "Why don't you say goodnight to mama, and I'll go tell grandma to bring you by tomorrow after school."
Her real intention was to talk to Dr. Whale. It wasn't difficult to find him; he was talking to Snow and David in the hallway. He greeted her with a weak smile and asked her how Emma's moods were.
"It's strange, actually, I was going to come ask you about them. This morning…she didn't do anything to take care of herself, I had to dress her and help her shower and everything. Now she's at least talking and she's…I mean, she isn't herself still, but she's not as…she's not catatonic like she was this morning."
"She's being given nutrition through her feeding tube, and while I know that isn't really treatment, getting the proper nutrition can help someone's mood significantly. Her getting that is also probably decreasing pains in her stomach that she may have been experiencing because the baby wasn't getting what it needed and now is."
Regina nodded her head. "So, this can help her?"
"I don't want to lure you either way, it is obviously helping some, but it isn't going to do everything. She needs actually treatment for her depression that I don't recommend while she's pregnant. I think if we give her the proper attention and nutrition over the next two weeks, if we can get this baby to a healthy point of development, we can take him out, treat her and have both of them survive. That's my primary goal here, just making sure they both survive."
"I just need her to survive, Victor."
"Regina, I know that, I do. And you deserve for her to survive, you all do. But I also know you well enough to know that you will say that now, but if your baby boy doesn't survive, you'll be heartbroken over that, too. And Emma…if your son doesn't survive, Emma may not want to, and we need her to want to. Do you understand me?"
"Ok," she agreed after a moment, slowly nodding her head.
"Alright, then. I'll go check on her and then we will leave her be for a couple of hours so you guys can have some time."
After everyone had left, Regina and Emma were left to spend time together, but they didn't talk, or really do anything at all. Emma just lay in her girlfriend's arms, being held close, and cried often throughout the night. Regina vowed that she would do anything necessary to help her love feel happy again. Anything at all.