Matthew sat alone on the bench by the big tree in the garden. It was Mary's favorite spot and he wondered why he ended up there himself. He kept repeating Arthur's words about 'full use of all his faculties' in his head that he was starting to think he would go mad. He wished that he could have some sign that he would be able to see again like when he felt tingling in his legs. He was so deep in thought he didn't notice footsteps heading his way.
"Mr. Crawley, would you like something to eat?" Bates asked when he approached him.
"Is it time for luncheon?" He hadn't realized how much time had passed and then remembered being blind didn't help any. "Why didn't Carson send a footman to find me?
"Yes it is time for luncheon. I happened to be available so I volunteered to fetch you," Bates replied in turn.
"I'm not very hungry," he lied. "I'll come to the house later perhaps in time for tea."
"Very well sir," Bates acknowledged. "May I speak freely sir?" He took that opportunity to speak his mind.
Matthew nodded and lifted his head to show he was listening. He deduced that Bates had heard what had transpired in the library.
"I've heard about what Blackwell had done. Don't let him win by thinking you're less of a man because of your current condition."
"I suppose you speak from experience," he joked sarcastically only to realize that it may have upset Bates. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to offend you."
"I am not easily offended but his claim is quite unbelievable if you ask me."
"But he may be right," Matthew considered. "Mary deserves a man who is whole."
"That is what I thought when I refused to admit I love Anna," he revealed. "But she accepted me for who I am including my imprisonment. I don't think I would have survived that ordeal if it wasn't for her." He chose to remind Mathew of that ordeal to suggest Mary was doing the same for him.
"Thank you Bates," Matthew said. "I appreciate your thoughts on the matter." He truly liked Bates' candor.
Bates made one more attempt to offer Matthew food before heading back to the house alone.
...
"Hello Tom," Cora greeted him when he entered the library. "Would you like some tea?"
"I don't mind having some tea," he accepted graciously and sat across from her. "I was wondering if you know where Matthew is."
"He's still out in the gardens I think," she replied. "I heard what you did today and would like to thank you for defending both Mary and Matthew."
"Matthew didn't really need defending. By the time I came in he had already knocked Arthur to the floor with a bloody nose."
"But you prevented him from further hurting Matthew," she insisted. "Who knows what he would have done if he had the chance."
"Yes, thank you for that," Mary said, having heard Tom describe the fight.
"It was nothing," Tom replied, standing to face her. "Matthew can hold his own you know."
"Still, you were there for him, that's important."
"Oh, I wanted to let you and Matthew know that Arthur is gone and I've passed the word around that he is not welcome in the village again."
"What did you tell them?" Cora inquired, voicing the same question Mary had thought of.
"I told them that Arthur had crossed Matthew and they didn't need to know more than that to shut their doors on him."
Mary was glad to hear that the villagers held Matthew with such esteem.
"I was going to tell Matthew that which is why I came," Tom repeated.
"I'll tell him," Mary offered. "I think it's time for him to come back inside."
Cora and Tom watched as Mary headed out to find Matthew.
...
Matthew sat in silence listening to the sounds around him. He heard footsteps approaching and knew who it was before she spoke.
"Matthew, it's just me," Mary announced herself before sitting next to him.
Matthew remained silent. He didn't know quite what to say to her.
"Are you still angry with me?" she asked tentatively, reaching for his hand and glad he didn't pull away this time.
'I'm not angry with you," he clarified. "I'm never angry with you."
"Then why have you stayed out here all this time?"
"I needed the fresh air," he explained. "I had to clear my head."
"Are you sure you weren't trying to get away from me?" she attempted to joke.
"I had to get away from you so you didn't see me angry. But I wasn't angry with you," he repeated. "I was angry that I wasn't able to defend you."
"But you did," she told him. "You've sent him away."
"I would have done that sooner if you had told me. Why didn't you?"
Mary hesitated to answer. She didn't know how to justify her keeping it from him.
"You aren't attracted to him are you?"
"Heavens no!" she exclaimed. "I never encouraged his attention. I even rejected his overture last night."
"Last night? When did that happen and where was I?"
"Before I came to bed," she confessed. "He offered to take me away but I refused him."
"So when that failed, he thought he would try to make me 'release you' from your unhappiness," he guessed correctly. "He underestimated your steadfastness and overplayed his hand in his haste."
"I can't imagine why he would presume so wrongly when I gave no indication I was in any way interested in him."
"I suppose he thinks you were bored with me and just putting up a front," he hypothesized. "Perhaps it was my fault for appearing to be very dull."
"That was a big mistake," she pointed out. "You are hardly dull and I am far from bored."
"That's good to hear," he said. "I was afraid I'm becoming a burden."
"You have never been a burden especially to me. Do you think we've heard the last of him?" she wondered, eager to put it behind them.
"I can't say for sure but I will do my best to defend you," he promised.
"I heard that you knocked him out cold," she said with admiration.
"It was just a lucky punch."
"That's not what Tom said. I think you're still living up to your reputation as protector of the downtrodden." She couldn't help but tease him about that.
"Please don't start that again. I simply want you to be safe in our home."
"Speaking of home," she reminded him. "I think it's time we went back in."
"So were you really ready to follow me to the poorhouse?" he asked jokingly as he followed her back.
"Were you intending to lead me there?" she challenged him.
"Certainly not; but it's good to know you won't abandon me if it ever comes to that."
...
Mary sat at her dresser while she waited for Anna to arrive to help her change for dinner.
"I'm sorry I'm late milady," Anna apologized when she entered. She quickly got to work helping Mary get into her dinner attire. "I hope everything is settled with Mr. Crawley." She had heard that Molesley was helping Matthew get ready as well so assumed things were back to normal.
"Crisis averted for now," Mary noted. "I'm just glad Blackwell is gone from Downton."
"I now know why he may have thought you were unhappy with Mr. Crawley. He apparently had been listening to village gossip and speculations about whether you would stay or leave."
"So what is the consensus?" Mary had never cared for gossip but now was curious to know what people thought.
"You'll be pleased milady," Anna said cheerily. "Unfortunately I think he stopped listening to hear that everyone thinks you will stay for one reason or another."
Mary was truly pleased and surprised at the same time. She hadn't realized people felt positively about her. "I still can't believe he would think I'm putting up a front when I'm very happy with Matthew."
"Sometimes we only see what we want to see."
Mary looked at Anna through her mirror and smiled. She truly valued Anna more and more.
...
Mary went searching for Matthew when she came down for dinner. She heard from Molesley that Tom had helped Matthew come down ahead of her. She found him in the hallway on the phone.
"Thank you very much for getting back to me so quickly," Matthew said. "I can't wait to hear more from you." He ended the call just as Mary walked up behind him.
"Was that Murray?" she asked. She had agreed earlier with Matthew that it was a good idea to inform Murray about Arthur's transgression; it could ensure that he would never return to Downton.
"Is it time for dinner?" he asked, changing the subject. "I'm very hungry."
"Come on then," she invited him. "We'll see if Carson can convince Mrs. Patmore to serve dinner early." She knew he hadn't eaten luncheon and hoped dinner was ready.
"I wouldn't want to rush anyone," he noted considerately.
"Yes milady?" Carson prompted seeing them approach him.
"We were wondering if we can start dinner a little early," she proposed.
"I certainly can check," Carson replied, always trying to be helpful. "I can always hurry it along if needed."
"Thank you," she expressed her appreciation for both of them as she watched Carson check for them.
...
The days quickly passed until one morning Matthew woke up to his usual darkness but with a strong commitment to his plan. He hoped that Mary would follow her routine so he could execute without a hitch. He chose to wait and enjoy her presence to the very last minute before he would go without.
"Do you want to go downstairs?" she asked, volunteering to help him.
"I'll be fine on my own for a while," he assured her. "I just want a kiss before you go about your day."
Mary walked up to Matthew and planted a sweet kiss on his lips before heading out of their room.
Matthew waited a little while until he was sure he was alone before heading to the dressing room to check on Molesley.
"Are you sure this is a good idea sir?" Molesley asked nervously. "Wouldn't Lady Mary be angry if she finds out?"
"Leave her to me," Matthew said, trying to keep Molesley and himself on point. "Have you packed everything I asked?"
"The luggage is already downstairs and I hope they're already loaded on the car."
"Alright then, I suppose we should get going then."
...
Mary searched for Matthew in the usual spots when she was done spending time with William. She wondered where he had gone off to when she didn't find him. She eventually decided to send someone to fetch him for her.
"Alfred, can you please fetch Mr. Crawley for me, it's almost time for luncheon."
"Mr. Crawley left hours ago," Alfred informed her. "Mr. Molesley went with him."
"Did he say when he would be returning?" Mary was surprised by this information but chose not to appear that way.
"I'm not sure milady," he replied. "I only helped load the luggage for them."
Mary was now obviously worried and wanted to get to the bottom of things. She went to the library to wait for the driver to let her know where he took Matthew and Molesley earlier.
"Mary, what's the matter?" Cora asked when she saw her worried look.
"Matthew left without telling me where he was going," she revealed.
"What do you mean?" Robert asked, turning to face her. "Why would he leave without telling anyone?"
Carson opened the door and entered with the driver right behind him.
After some inquiry, they learned that Matthew and Molesley were dropped off at the train station and took the first train to London.
"I can't believe Matthew would just leave without telling anyone," Cora repeated again when Carson and the driver left the room.
"He had to sneak away because he knew I wouldn't allow him to travel very far," Mary revealed. "Papa is there a way for us to find him because I doubt Molesley will know what to do if his head hurts again."
"I'll ring Murray and see if he might know or can ring the clubs to find where Matthew might be staying," Robert said.
"We'll find him," Cora assured her. She could see both fear and anger on Mary's face due to Matthew's abrupt departure.
"Milady," Anna called her attention when she entered the library. "I found this note on your dresser." She handed the note to Mary.
Mary read the letter and tears welled up in her eyes. She felt weak and sat next to Cora. She handed the note to Cora for her to read.
My darling Mary,
By the time you find this note, I would be long gone. Please be assured that I will be careful and I'm sorry for my sudden departure but I have to do this on my own. I hope that you will forgive me and regardless of the outcome, you will still love me when I return.
All my love,
Matthew
"At least he says he will be returning," Cora said, trying to put a positive spin to the note.
"It doesn't say how long he will be gone for," Mary said. She suddenly stood up and started to leave.
"Where are you going?" Cora asked, curious as to what Mary was planning to do.
"Perhaps I can tell how long he will be gone from how much clothes he has taken with him."
...
Mary stared at Matthew's wardrobe and although some clothes were obviously missing, she had no idea how many to gauge how long he would be away. She thought about the past few days to determine if he had left clues about his impending departure. She absent-mindedly touched his tails and wished he would return soon.
"Milady," Anna said, having followed her from the library. "Are you alright?" Her concern touched Mary who turned to face her with a sad smile.
"I just realized I don't know where Matthew is and for how long he will be away," she said, letting tears flow down her cheeks.
"I'm sure Mr. Crawley will be alright," Anna tried to assure her. "Mr. Molesley will look out for him."
"That's just it, we're talking about Molesley," Mary said warily. "We both know how reliable he can be especially when he's had a sip of liquor."
"I think he will do his best to avoid that and be as protective of Mr. Crawley as you would," she said optimistically. "I think he is far too frightened to cross you milady."
"That's not helping," Mary said, trying to be as optimistic as Anna.
"Well, staring at this wardrobe isn't going to make Mr. Crawley come back any sooner."
"Then what can I do to make him come back?"
"He will come back when he is ready, milady. He can't and won't stay away longer than he needs to be."
"What am I to do while he is away?" Mary wondered.
"I'm quite sure Mr. Crawley knew you'd know what to do before he left," Anna reminded her. "I think he has been preparing you for it."
Mary thought about it with a clearer head and silently thanked Anna.
...
"London may be a big place but not big enough for Matthew to just disappear in," Violet said when she learned what had happened.
"He certainly can if he wanted to," Robert said sadly. "Murray said he isn't at his club or any club for that matter."
"What are we going to tell Mary?" Cora asked with concern. "She'll be devastated that we aren't able to find him."
"I can ask Gregson for help," Edith suggested. "He has connections that could potentially help us find Matthew." She had learned of Matthew's untimely departure and felt she needed to help.
"That's a wonderful idea," Cora approved. "Perhaps with more people looking for him, we can find him sooner."
"Find who?" Tom asked when he joined the family in the library. He noticed that there was something amiss when he got home. Once he was informed of the day's event, he realized why Matthew went to speak with him the night before.
"Did he say something to you last night?" Edith asked, remembering they were talking the night before.
"He asked if I could manage without him for a little while," he replied. "But I thought he meant to manage the project and not that he was leaving." He addressed his statement to Mary when he saw her enter the library.
"Any word papa?" Mary asked. She saw the sad look on his face and knew that he hadn't located Matthew yet.
"We aren't giving up yet," Violet said. "We are very far from giving up."
Mary appreciated her grandmother's determination. But she also knew that Anna was right, Matthew will return when he was ready.
"If I had known," Tom started to say to Mary.
"I'm sure you would have told me," she said with a sad smile. She knew Tom was close to Matthew but also knew he would have talked him out of doing such a reckless move.
...
Mary finally found herself alone in the bedroom after what seemed a long day. She looked at the bed sadly knowing that Matthew wouldn't be laying on it for a while. She was further saddened when she realized that they haven't been apart since their wedding. That's when she remembered the teddy bear he had bought for her. Her eyes fell on it sitting on its usual spot in the corner of the room. She picked it up and hugged it tight. She heard a knock on her door and opened it to find Violet.
"Granny, what can I do for you?" she asked.
"I just wanted to see how you were," Violet said with concern, entering her room and taking a seat.
"I'm alright granny," Mary said bravely.
"He will return, of that I have no doubt," she tried to assure Mary.
"I know but I am frightened for him. I don't know what he's up to or when he is returning."
"Matthew may think it is easy to be left behind but he failed to realize the burden that entails. He loves you, you must remember that. You bear the torch now."
Mary was encouraged by what Violet had said. She knew it was now up to her until Matthew came back to her. When Violet had retired, Mary said a short prayer –
Dear Lord, I hope you're listening and grant me one wish. Please keep him safe and please make him come back to me.