Part 16
"I'd like for us to be together like that," he murmurs, "very much so. I want a life with you, Belle. Never believe otherwise. But not against your will."
She beams at him as he describes exactly what she hopes that the two of them will be like. It's his way of confirming that he wants the two of them to be together, but not when either of them doesn't want to anymore.
He looks like he wants to say more, but no words come out of his mouth. She understands, for she doesn't know either how to react to this implicit promise of both togetherness and freedom.
It soon turns out that this is yet another occurrence in which they simply don't need words in order to understand one another. Anything they might have said is right there as their eyes lock, their smiles almost identical.
There is a need to be yet closer to one another, to make an immediate start with the relationship which both of them crave so very much. They have held each other several times throughout the evening, but never with the emotional closeness they have now reached.
That makes it no less than natural for her, nothing but intuitive, to settle herself on her knees at his side. Looking straight at him, she places her hands on his shoulders, both to ensure her balance and because she simply enjoys touching him so very much, no matter where and how.
She moves slowly, both because she wants to savor the slow approach and because this is something else which is entirely new for her. It reminds her that it'll be like this for probably quite a long time. She's surely learning and discovering, but she has no doubt that she'll find new challenges for each unfamiliarity she overcomes.
It would have scared her, before. It would have terrified her. But with this man at her side, his support as unwavering as his love, it doesn't seem all that awful in the slightest. If anything, she is looking forward to the weeks - months, however long it may take - of discovery and exploration of every aspect of the life which she's supposed to have.
Never looking away from him in order to make sure that he's as comfortable with this as she is herself, she lifts her knee over his legs, settling it right next to his thigh. She lowers herself carefully, making sure not to hurt his leg when she gradually rests her weight on him.
He relocates his hands to her waist, guiding her back a few inches. She doesn't know why he won't let her sit pressed tightly against him, but she supposes that this too is something that will make sense in due time. All she does is shake her head briefly when he starts to withdraw his hands, letting him know that she'd like him to continue holding her like this.
Even if it wouldn't have been for the coat that's still covering her, effectively blocking most of her body from his view, she wouldn't have been embarrassed by the way the hem of her already low-cut hospital gown rides up when she settles herself like this.
Neither is there any shyness when she wraps her arms around his neck, finding that she can hold onto him in a very pleasant way despite the slight distance between them. She isn't necessarily closer to him than she has been before, but it feels more intimate now that her legs are on either side of his.
Their chests pressed lightly together, she finds that she can lay her head on his shoulder, thus pleasantly resting her head and being wonderfully close to his ever sensitive neck at the same time. She can't see his face any longer, but she doesn't need to in order to know that his eyes are closed as he savors the feeling of her breath against his skin, that he sighs deeply whenever she rubs the tip of her nose lightly against him.
She sighs too, very happy to be near to him like this. He tightens his hold on her in response, ever so tender fingers stroking her through the material of the gown, right above her hips, as he does so.
She can both see and feel the flutter of his heartbeat, right there where a slightly red mark on his skin indicates where she kissed him earlier. Wanting a yet more substantial proof of his nearness, of his very existence, she maneuvers a hand between their bodies until it comes to rest right above his heart.
Its beat is regular beneath the layers of fabric he is wearing, and slightly faster than her own. Shifting herself a little until she is settled yet more comfortably against him, she closes her eyes and savors the sensation of the firm beating of his heart.
Lying against him like that, there are no more worries, no more fears. There's only reassurance and safety and quietness, only incredibly soft fabric and a warm, protective embrace... only him.
She only becomes aware that she must have been dozing off when he shakes her shoulder lightly, drawing her back from the sleep that was overtaking her.
It takes her only a moment to gather her bearings, to recall everything that has happened throughout the evening. It's an utter delight to be able to remember, even though it's only such a short amount of time.
"What is it?" she mutters, not understanding her why he has woken her, interrupting such peaceful perfection.
"You should go to back to your room, dear," he replies, just as softly. "It's very late and this isn't a suitable place to sleep."
"I'm so sorry," she cries out, fully realizing only then just where exactly she has fallen asleep. He may have enjoyed having his body support almost all of hers, but to have her on top of him for a considerable time, especially when he has nothing but the far from comfortable seat beneath him, is quite something else.
"Don't be," he says, stroking her hair to reassure her. "I can only hope that this was as pleasant for you as it was for me. But we can't stay here, sweetheart. You need to rest properly, especially given the exertions of the past few days."
She nods in agreement. She may not have done much more than being in bed most of the time - worrying, despairing - but she is indeed exhausted.
"You should go to bed to get a good night's rest."
She nods again and removes herself from his wonderful embrace with reluctance. Her limbs are sluggish with sleep and she is far from eager to move away from him. But she does so anyway, aware that they indeed can't comfortably spend the night like this, in the ever so quiet hallway.
It's only when she sits down next to him, on the seat where she has been for the majority of the evening, that it dawns on her that she has no idea which alternative he has in mind.
"It's probably best for you to get back to the room you've stayed in the past few days," he says, his dread tone indicating that he's as unhappy about it as she is.
"I don't think I want that."
It's not that she minds spending another night in the hospital as such; it's the look in his eyes telling her that he doesn't intend to stay with her which causes her reluctance.
She doesn't want to be separated from him again, not for a single minute, but he's already distancing himself from her. It's not that he's physically increasing the space between them, not yet at least, but she can see him all but stepping back as he clenches his hands, his expression hardening.
"It's only temporary," he says carefully, gauging her reaction. She balks at the notion of having to stay in the hospital room, not quite her cell in the basement but still a prison of sorts, especially when he isn't there with her.
But he listens to her, doesn't order her, not even for her supposed own good. For now at least, that's good enough for her, preventing her from panicking at the notion of having to go back to a hospital room, all alone once more.
"Only until we can make other arrangements."
"Like what?"
Much as she dreads the possibility of being separated from him again, if only for a few hours, she is intrigued by the options that might be open to them soon.
She hasn't had the chance to think about this during the past hours, but she's curious indeed about the places where she might stay once she is finally free from the hospital... although there's only one that holds her particular interest.
"You have an apartment of your own, above the library. You've got friends. You don't remember them, but they'll be happy to help you. There's miss Lucas, for example. She and her grandmother run an inn in the town. I'm sure they'd be delighted to give you a place to stay for the time being."
Much as she's convinced now that her life hasn't only been what she always presumed, she still can't quite imagine herself actually living anywhere. The mere idea of having friends is still almost impossible, especially because she already has him. Having others who care about her, who might support her, is almost too much to take in.
"It sounds lovely," she replies, slightly uncertain.
'Lovely' hardly begins to cover the sheer luxury of having a place to live. To have a space which is hers and where she can do as she pleases, without being watched against her will. Better still is the reminder that there are people out there who she can rely on, that she isn't all alone in the world any longer, even if it weren't for the wonderful man at her side.
And still... it's not what she was hoping for.
"You think I should go back to my apartment?"
The last word is foreign on her tongue, and not just because such a place is so far from anything she imagined for herself during all the empty years.
She feels almost guilty for it, but she can't help but think that this isn't the place where she would like to go.
She supposes that she can manage living on her own - she has already managed so much on this day alone. Besides, being independent has been a dream during every day and night she was locked up.
Still, now that this kind of craved freedom is presented to her, she finds that having her own space and schedule, no one to interfere with her life, is not what she wants any longer.
"You could do that, yes," he says, sounding just as reluctant as she feels. She doesn't fail to notice that he lingers on the word 'could' for a bit longer than seems necessary.
Probably it is silly of her to think so, but she can't help but expect something... more. For as long as she has known him - although that may not nearly be as long as he has known her - he has persuaded her of his affection for her, his love, of his desire to spend his life with her... to never leave her out of his sight again. She can't imagine that he truly wishes to live apart from her.
And yet, she has learned that it didn't end well when she lived with him in this world for only a few weeks. She can't rule out that he's afraid that this will happen again... or that he doesn't want to share his home with her, not wanting her to remind him of the woman who she isn't.
"Is there anything else I could do?" she questions, purposefully making the same emphasis as he just did. Whatever she may have thought or feared in the course of the evening, her heart knows that he wants to be with her as much as she wants to be with him. She doesn't allow herself to linger on her doubts, not ever again.
"My house," he says, speaking softly and lowering his gaze again, as if not wanting to actually present that option to her. "You've got a room there, I left it exactly the way it was after you..."
It would be easy to mistake his reluctance for reject. Now that she has gotten to know him like this however, it's clear to her that his hesitation is due to fear of making her uncomfortable.
"My house is at your disposal. You're very much welcome there, but I understand if you prefer not to..."
"I would love to come live with you," she says, smiling broadly as he offers exactly what she hoped he would.
"You do?"
It pains her, it truly does, to find that he doubts her longing to be with him even know. She dreads to think yet more what could have caused him to be like this.
"Yes," she simply says, "I would love to live with you."
"I... I didn't dare hope you'd actually want that."
"I do. Very much so."
There must have been something in her expression, something in her voice, that finally persuades him of her willingness – of her eagerness – to share his home... to live with him.
Then again, it's not as if she actually has any experience with such things, or any knowledge on how to make this work for either of them.
"Still, I don't know what it was like when we lived together. I don't know what it can be like."
"The past mostly showed what it shouldn't be like. What I shouldn't be like," he says, tracing the back of his fingers of both his hands along her cheeks ever so tenderly. "We'll have to find a way together."
"I think we will," she simply replies, filled with a certainty that's as strong as it is surprising.
They may not know exactly how to achieve the happiness they are craving, but both of them are quite desperate to try. So far, he has been brave when she was not, and she has been strong when he was not. Between the two of them, making their most unusual relationship work may not be all that impossible after all.