Chapter 3: Side Quest 2 Electric Boogaloo
"Someone with a birthday wish." Jensen said while the camera zoomed in on his non-HD face. "Neeeeaaaah. Get da hell outta mah face kid!" The ratso looking heathen smashed a skeleton bomb on Jensen's head and his augmentations went haywire as he passed out. Jensen woke up in an abandoned Asian factory, naked, except had his glasses on, strapped to an electric chair. "Heh. I see you were trying to ruin my plans, Jensen." Said a woman walking around Jensen. "Malik?" Jensen asked. "HUH? HOW DID YOU...uh no, I'm Megan." Malik stuttered. "Bitch please, I know that lesbian voice from 3500 miles away. Plus, if you were Megan, you would've properly fucked me, then the next morning, in anger, chop off my dick and feed it to the hounds." Jensen monotoned. "Ugh. Fine...Jensen...I didn't want to be the one to tell you this...but my most favorite place in the world..." Malik began. "Is an evil illuminati corporation that has been brainwashing 'save money, live better' into people's heads since the 1960s." Jensen finished. "How did you..?" Malik asked. Jensen chose the QUESTIONAIRE option, "That really doesn't explain why I'm strapped to this electric chair NAKED." Jensen briefly angered in his unpaid intern voice. "Sorry Jensen. I wanted to look at a dick to remind myself why I'm a lesbian." Malik shoved her arms awkwardly into her sides, as it is the only animation females can do. "However, I was highly disappointed to see that these parts of you were removed and replaced by cogs." Malik staticted. "Sorry to disappoint you." Jensen monotoned. "So anyway, I need you to do a bunch of shit for me to unlock your ultimate upgrade." Malik lesbianly informed. "I'm listening." Jensen Jensened. "Ok so first you need to murder a gang, then steal a secret phone, then place bombs on a counter, then take a hot picture of yourself with Pritchard's phone and use it as blackmail to get Sarif's password to the great database that is Target." Malik informed. Jensen chose DETAILS. "What the fuck does this have to do with anything?" Jensen angered, but monotonously. "Sorry Jensen, I wish I could tell you more, but I can't." Malik informed. Jensen was not happy, but the cold air was starting to shrivel his nips and cogs so he ripped free from the electric chair. "Dayum Spyboy." Malik niggaed. Jensen pushed 'Q' on Malik which performed an instant bitchslap birthday beatdown on Malik. However 'ZZZ' was still on Malik so she was alive. Jensen carefully placed a piece of birthday cake on top of Malik's knocked out body because he didn't want to be a dick to his one and only lesbian friend. Jensen found his gear and set off to do his side quest that was actually tied to his main quest of bringing down the illuminati corporation that was Walmart: with Mr. Sarif involved somehow.