Noah Puckerman doesnt like to cry in front of people. He doesnt like to show emotion because he is supposed to be the big bad jock, he is supposed to be the bad boy, he is not supposed to be standing in Quinn Fabray's hospital room with hot tears rolling down his face. He is not supposed to be here right now. He cant be here right now. He cant look at Quinn like vigile in that fucking hospital bed. He cant go through this again.

Noah Puckerman has cried in front of people three times in his entire life. The first time was when his daughter was born. Beth was his one perfect thing and as they took her away her felt the barriers breaking down and he cried. The next time was three months ago. He thought Quinn was going to die, they told him that there was a chance that she was going to die and he sobbed. He sobbed loud sobs as he gripped her cold, limp hand, praying to every and any god he could think of because Quinn couldnt leave him. She just couldnt.

Right now is the third time. and its funny because the only person who seems to be able to make him cry is Quinn Fabray. Quinn who carried his child for nine months. Quinn who is supposed to go to Yale. Quinn who has been through so much shit in her whole life. Quinn who is once again lying unconscious in a hospital bed.

And Noah knows that this is somewhat his fault because he he never got her pregnant, if he just wore a damn condom, if he didnt cheat on his best friend then maybe this wouldn't be happening. Maybe Quinn would just a little sad. Maybe Quinn would just be the kind of sad that takes time not the kind of sad the wants to die.

And he thinks that its the fact that Quinn didnt want to live anymore that kills him because he never expected her to be so fucking selfish. She didnt realize how many people care about her, she didnt realize that he cares about her, the he loves her, that he could do anything for her. And he thinks that maybe she just got tired of trying to hang on, of trying to wait for things to get better. Shes been six feet away from the edge for so long and no one realized it. He didnt realize it. He guesses that when you hold on for so long it gets tiring and you lose hope. He thinks that Quinn probably lost hope.

There are so many things he wants to do and say to Mr. and Mrs. Fabray. He wants to hit them and he doesnt even care that its illegal to hit a woman because she deserves it. She deserves to feel what its like to be punched and kicked. He wants them to feel what Quinn went through for god how long. He guesses that this is probably why Quinn used to flinch away from him if he ever get angry or why she didnt change in front of him or why she always kept her shirt on when he was around. Its probably why she hates it so much when he drinks and he feels awful he hates himself for not noticing anything was wrong. But mostly he hates the Fabrays for not being parents, for destroying one of the most beautiful people to ever walk the Earth. He knows that there is a saying that God only gives people as much as he thinks they can handle and he thinks that maybe this time God was wrong. Quinn couldnt handle this. He doesnt think anyone could and he just is so angry because his Quinn didnt deserve this. His Quinn deserves to be loved and held and told that she is beautiful and perfect.

His Quinn is lying in a hospital bed, eyes closed and face pale white. Her lips were not their usual rosy pink they're chapped and peeling and he thinks that she is probably thirsty. He doesnt ever look at her left arm. he cant look at her left arm because he knows its lying under the blanket next to her and he knows whats under that blood stained gauze and he just really really doesnt think he can handle that right now.

Rachel is crying and Santana is crying and Brittany is just staring at Quinn. He thinks that shes probably wondering why Quinn wont open her eyes. He focuses on the rise and fall of her chest and collapses in a chair next to her bed side.

"God Quinn" he says gripping her hand tightly and lightly pressing her knuckles to his lips. Here they are again. The four of them sitting vigil by the blonde girl's bed side and he feels a little bit of deja vu because here he was three months ago in this very same positiion. Except Quinn was texting and driving and Quinn didnt want to die.

Quinn tried to kill herself.

He sobs even harder.

Santana sobs even harder.

Rachel sobs even harder.

Brittany stares at Quinn.

The four of you sit in silence the only sound is the heart monitor in the corner slowly beeping and the sound of sobbing coming from Santana and Rachel. They are messing, loud criers. Noah is not. Noah is the kind of crying that you dont expect. Noah is the quiet kind of sobbing, shoulders shaking tears running down his face. Noah doesnt like to cry in front of people. Quinn Fabray is the only one who seems to be capable of making him cry in public.

Theres a sharp intake of breath and he glances at Quinn's face. Her eyes are fluttering and eventually they open. He loves her eyes.

"You scared the shit out of us Q" He says squeezing her hand tighter and she glances at him. Face crumbling, and then there they are the five of them all crying together all holding each other.

"I'm so sorry" She says "I just didnt want to hurt anymore" and Noah Puckerman doesnt think he can cry any harder.

author's note: this was written in 45 minutes but i really wanted to get it up. i have to go to work now so ill probably post some time tomorrow please review. Also here are some songs i listened to while writing this

Beautiful -Bethany Dillion

Devastated -Gemma Hayes

Build You Up -Kim Taylor

Hanging by a thread -Jann Arden