It's okay to be us ch 8
Reflections
Rinoa needed a mom. She had the best night she could have expected, but something was wrong. She couldn't quite put her finger on what it was, or how it had happened.
But she knew Squall was bothered by it too.
During the car ride home, he had seemed distant. Did he regret it?
"Squall, what's wrong?" She asked, concerned. She placed her hand on his, and felt a rush of sadness from him.
"I just need to figure some things out, that's all."
She hated when he disappeared into his own head. But she would allow him space, as much as she could. She really needed him, needed to be close to him, and needed his support. But still, she had to know.
"Squall, you don't... regret last night, do you?"
"...no. Not if you don't. I'm sorry Rin. I'm so sorry. I just... need some time to think. Please don't think it's you, because it's not. If anything it's me, but more importantly, it's us. And that hasn't changed. Nor will it ever. I promise I meant everything I said last night."
Rinoa remembered smiling when he said that. They had barely spoken the night before. But the one thing she did remember was that Squall had told her that he loved her. Maybe she could give him a little while to reflect.
But now was different. He hadn't spoken to her all day, and it was now evening. Classes would start again tomorrow, and she wouldn't see him again for any given period of time until the weekend. She wanted to allow him time but she needed to talk. She had questions that needed answering. She needed...
A mom.
She knew most girls would kill (or would have killed) to lose their virginity the way she had.
So why did she feel so depressed?
Looking around, she saw Cid leaving the cafeteria. That gave her an idea.
"Headmaster?" She called, catching up to him. "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if I could speak to your wife. I have some questions about what, I mean who I am. I was hoping she could help me."
"My dear, I'm sure she'd be more than happy to help you. She's out at our orphanage. I'm sure she will be spending the week there. Drop by anytime. She'll be so happy to see you."
"Thank you sir. I may leave today, if I am able. It's kind of an issue I want to resolve before this week of classes."
"Then I wish you luck"
Rinoa sighed. She'd have to use the Ragnarok.
Rinoa couldn't find Squall anywhere. He wasn't in his office, the training center, library, or cafeteria. She went by his room, and received no answer when she knocked.
Pulling out her cell phone, she dialed his number. The phone rang and rang. To her relief, he finally answered.
"Hey."
"Hey." She said. Would all of their conversations begin like this?
"What's up? I'm in the middle of... never mind."
"Oh, I just, wondered if I could take the Ragnarok. I have an, um, errand to run. I promise it will be back by morning."
"Take it. It's not a problem."
"Oh, great. Thank you."
"Thank you for asking."
It was a goodbye. He never really said goodbye; he simply used his tone of voice to indicate that the conversation was over. Sure enough she heard the phone disconnect, but couldn't stop herself. Her eyes watered.
"I love you. Goodbye."
Squall felt his emotions boiling. He had to resolve this. Down in the bowels of Garden, he sat atop the remains of NORG's pod. His tablet was connected, and he searched through the Garden Master's archives. He found this place to be very useful, as it had access to every book in the library digitally, worldwide web access, and, most importantly, all the classified information collected by Garden over the years. So he searched, reading everything he could find about previous sorceresses and their knights. He had to know.
He was well aware that it was usually painful for a girl the first time she had sex. But he was also aware that he shouldn't have felt her pain as vividly as he had. Their connection, or bond, or whatever, was still new. There's no way it should have developed that fast. Or maybe that was normal for a sorceress and her knight. He had to understand what was happening. It was the only way he could redeem himself for causing her that pain. He guessed his apprehension had fueled her pain.
But to his shame, he had continued anyway. She had clutched his back for dear life, and he had not allowed enough time for her to recover. She had urged him to continue, but Squall should have known better. He should have known the moment he felt how much pain she was in. He should have stopped completely. He knew she was merely satisfying his primal urge, and he felt like an animal for allowing her to do so.
So he would sit here. He would find out why their bond had strengthened so quickly. He would find out why she had been in that much pain. And he would not allow himself to take advantage of her ever again.
Rinoa felt better as she disembarked the Ragnarok. She felt so at peace here. She took a moment to walk through the field of flowers. This is where he became her knight. This is where she had saved him, after he had saved the world. This is where he had come back to her after being so lost.
"It's so beautiful here isn't it?"
Rinoa jumped at the sound of a voice behind her.
"I often come here when I feel upset. Something about this place, and the memories it holds, just seems to make all my problems go away, at least for a moment or two." Edea said, placing a hand on Rinoa's shoulder.
"Mrs. Kramer..."
"Please, dear child, call me Edea, or better still, call me Matron, as the other children do. You may not have grown up in my care as the others did, but you are every bit as much my child as they are. And one who is shouldering a burden I regret to have passed to you. Yet here you stand, stronger than I have ever seen you. You, dear Rinoa, are a far stronger woman than I. Tell me, how fares your knight? Brave Squall, gallant and chivalrous as ever I expect. That boy could save the world or destroy it with his own hands, but he has not the power to save himself. He would rescue you from any force that would harm you, including you, and himself, yet he still does not value his own life, except that he makes you happy. Should he believe that he had failed, I believe he would once again be lost. Goodness listen to me ramble. My apologies, it has been days since I have spoken at all. Tell me child, what is on your mind this evening."
Rinoa was stunned as she listened to Edea.
"How could you possibly know all that?"
Edea smiled sadly. "When one's destiny, and indeed the fate of the world, hinges between past, present, and future, one tends to reflect, and draw conclusions based on what they know of the past."
"Well, you're exactly right. I think. I think Squall believes he has failed me. And I need to know how to save him."
"Perhaps you had better start from the beginning. Let us sit, and I will fill in the blanks for you to the best of my ability."
Rinoa told Edea the story of the night before. How their touch had enabled them to feed on each other's emotions. How they had given into their desires for a complete connection. Rinoa told Edea of the pain she had experienced as a result of their union, and how Squall had behaved in the hours since.
When she finished her story, Edea gave her a sad, knowing little smile.
"Rinoa, do you know how a reflection works?"
"Reflection? Like the spell?"
"Yes, I suppose that would be a good place to start. Reflect works to rebound a spell back to its source. Just as a mirror does for light."
"Okay..." Rinoa said. She was unsure of this analogy, but Edea's wisdom had already been displayed once today. So she waited patiently for Edea to continue.
"What happens when you put a candle between two mirrors? What do you see when you look into that mirror?"
"A reflection?"
"Yes, but not just one. You see many reflections as the mirrors continue to mimic each other. Time and time again the light is reflected between them, all in an instant, but each time, the image of the flame becomes smaller and smaller, until you can no longer see it. Now what happens when you put two candles between the mirrors?"
"The same thing, I guess. Right?"
"Yes, of course. But as the reflections become smaller within the mirrors, the two flames become one. Eventually it becomes impossible to discern one from the other. You and Squall are the mirrors. And our two candles are your pain and his fear."
"So my pain was... amplified because I reflected it to him, and he back to me."
"Over and over again a million times, each one less painful than the previous, but all happening at once."
"Just like he projected his anxiety to me, and I reflected it back to him. Eventually they became one in the same."
"Indeed, or so is my belief. The two feelings are now linked in both of your minds. Whenever he thinks of physical intimacy with you he will become fearful."
"And his fear will be linked with the intensified pain I felt. No wonder he was acting the way he did. Especially if he blames himself for causing it. Oh God! Matron, what do I do?"
"If you don't like the flame that's being reflected, get a new candle." Matron said. "Be careful though. You are a woman now. You will never feel that pain again. You have already discarded that candle. He may not be so willing to give up his."
Rinoa stood, and offered her hand to Matron. She accepted it, and Rinoa pulled her into a hug.
"Thank you. Thank you for being a mother to me when I really needed one. I shall never forget your kindness."
"Sweet girl. You strong, beautiful woman. Go! Rescue your knight so he may rescue you in return."
Aboard the Ragnarok once more, Rinoa called him from her mobile. This time, however, it went to his voicemail.
"Squall, please, please come find me tonight. I need to talk to you. I know what you're feeling, and more importantly, I know why. Please, Squall. I need you right now. I'll be in my room, but at least call me back. Please. I love you."
Rinoa wondered how many times she had said 'please' in that message. She cursed her tendency to ramble, especially in voicemails.
It was now nearly one o'clock in the morning. Her classes would be starting in just over seven hours, and Squall's would start even earlier.
She paced around her room, as she had been doing for the last hour. Angelo had watched for a while, but it seemed to Rinoa that her furry companion had got bored and given up on her for the night, opting instead to sleep peacefully on her little dog bed in the corner of the room.
Rinoa would not give up. She had faith. He would come. Or call. He would. She just knew it.
Just after two a.m. when the shadows of doubt and fatigue began to claim her, there was a soft knock at the door. She was there to open it in seconds.
"I got your message. I was afraid I was too late." He mumbled softly. At least it wasn't 'hey' like it had been the last hundred times.
"You're not too late." Rinoa said, as she stepped back to let him enter. "It's never too late."
Squall said nothing, but merely gazed into her eyes. His eyes were dark, and glossed over. It was as though he had withdrawn the personality that had once sparkled within their azRinoa felt an overwhelming feeling of depression. But she had to be strong. She would save her knight.
"Rinoa, I owe you an explanation. Today I was on the lower level of Garden, going through the top secret information stored in the Garden Master archives. I was looking for anything that might explain what our connection is, why and how it grew so fast, and why it was that I hurt you so badly. I could feel it. I knew it went beyond the normal pain you should have felt, and I am disgusted with myself for causing it and my reaction to it. Today, I was looking for a means to control our connection, and while I was unsuccessful in finding all the answers, I did come across some useful information."
Rinoa could tell this was hard for him to say, and though she disagreed with some of his wording, she thought it best to let him finish.
"A bond between a sorceress and her knight is essential to their survival. His life force energy is pledged to guarding her. Protecting her. If a knight should fail, and his sorceress dies, then his life force will be tied to her powers. If the powers can be passed on to another, both would die in relative peace. But..."
"If the knight fails, and the sorceress cannot pass on her powers... What then?"
"Well, then her power and his life force fuse into something both beautiful and wicked. A guardian force. A twisted monster forced to wander this planet for all time, serving any and all who are judged more worthy than the knight whose life force sustains the beast. The guardian force wants nothing more than to forget its failure in its previous life as sorceress and knight. Whatever mental capability it has left is solely devoted to wiping all its own memories. And with the power of a sorceress behind it..."
"That's why the GFs make you forget your memories when you junction them."
"There aren't any documented cases, or previous examples to go by, but yes, that was my thought also. The bond is meant to prevent failure and save both lives from such a fate. It is meant to bring us closer, and allow us to be in tune with one another's emotions. It would allow us to sense each other in some way, even when we're apart. As it turns out, our mental connection is strongest when we are... uh... physically connected. Rinoa, I'm sorry. I really wanted to have all the answers, but I still don't really understand how the connection works, or what exactly happened last night."
"I do." Rinoa said. She explained her conversation with Edea, and shared the analogy of the two candles and two mirrors.
"I would never have thought to go to Matron." Squall said when she finished.
"Doesn't that make sense though?"
"Yes, I should have thought of that. She was a sorceress herself after all."
"No! I mean us. Reflecting each other's feelings back at each other. Our individual feelings merging as they rebound between us."
"Oh, yes. I understand. Matron's wisdom truly knows no bounds."
"You know what else she said? About how to fix it?" Rinoa said, moving toward him, placing her head on his shoulder and wrapping her arms around his neck.
"What's that?" He whispered, timidly returning her embrace.
"She said 'If you don't like the flame that's being reflected, get a new candle.' And Squall, I'm not a virgin anymore. I will never have to feel that pain again. So there's no reason to be afraid of that anymore."
Squall pulled away from her.
"I know that, Rin, I just- how could you even want to have sex with me again after what happened? You were in excruciating pain that I was making worse by sending it back to you again and again. Your body may have only felt it once. But your mind felt it infinite times. Plus my own fears on top of it? I caused that pain we felt, and then waited just long enough for you to catch your breath before I ravaged you like an animal and-"
Rinoa had listened to enough of this. She slapped him, hard, across his face. He didn't seem mad. Guess that meant all the anger she was feeling was her own. Good.
"How dare you?! How dare you take the most special, most romantic, most valuable learning experience of my adult life and poison it like that?! You think you're the one who caused the pain? I'm the one who is a girl! I knew it would happen, I was ready for it! I wanted it because I want you! You think you made it worse because of our bond? Which one of us is the sorceress? Idiot. And besides, I sent that pain and anxiety right-the-fuck back to you. You say you ravaged me? That's not how I remember it, and my memory hasn't been tampered by the GFs. I remember a lover who was kind and gentle exactly when I needed him to be. Who waited for the pain to subside. I remember a lover who brought me over the edge into a pleasure I have never felt before. Did you really think there was even ONE SECOND that I didn't enjoy of last night? I will cherish every second, good and bad, for the rest of my life because I experienced them with you. I love you Squall. I love you with all my heart and soul. I just want you to stop thinking you hurt me, when instead you gave me the most perfect gift I have ever received." Rinoa said as her anger gave way, and tears spilled down her cheeks. She didn't even try to fight them.
Squall's hand was on his cheek. His eyes too were watering. Rinoa couldn't tell if it was the heavy emotion in the room, or because she had slapped him. Wait, did that actually happen?
"And I'm sorry I slapped you." She added as an afterthought.
"That's really how you feel?" Squall said in a very quiet, very deep, and gravelly voice. He really was fighting back his own tears. One single tear slipped down his cheek, then one down the other. He was crying silently.
"Touch me. Hold me. Love me. Feel my emotions. I am not lying to you." She held her arms out to him, illustrating her point. He slowly reached out with one hand, which she held in both of hers. Sadness poured from his hand into her, much more powerful than through the air, or through clothing. She had to be strong. She had to take this from him and replace it with something else. Love.
She pulled his hand toward her, and placed it on her cheek, leaning her face into his palm. As if on cue, his other hand mirrored the action.
"Kiss me. Please. Let me save you from this pain and sadness. I need you back to being you. Back to the man I've watched you grow into. Please. Kiss me, and let's break those walls down once more, and let the real you shine in those eyes again."
Squall leaned toward her, and their lips met, oh, so briefly. But Rinoa had felt it. That spark. That longing. That love. It was as weak, gentle and brief as the kiss itself. But it was there.
"Rinoa?" He whispered, hands gently caressing her cheeks and neck, their lips millimeters apart.
"Yes?" She breathed, her eyes still closed.
"I love you."
He kissed her again. Still slow and gentle, but the electricity was exciting her. This kiss would not be brief. Not if she had anything to say about it. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him close. She could feel him relaxing as she flooded his senses with more and more of her love for him.
When they broke apart (to gasp for air), the mood had lightened significantly.
"So you would... I mean, you want to-"
"Squall Leonhart, I am yours, and you are mine. You can have me anytime, anywhere you feel comfortable. As soon as your candle burns down, and you're ready for a new one. I would have you right now, if you wanted."
"Rinoa... I don't think-"
"Shhh. I know. I know. But, if I could ask just one thing instead..."
"Just one thing?" He said, and smiled just a little. For the first time today, Rinoa saw the gleam return to his eyes.
"Stay with me tonight. I know others will talk, but I don't care. The truth is so much more beautiful then they'll ever know."
"Yeah I guess we're not really like everyone else are we?" He said, smiling. He was actually playing with her, in his own way.
"No we're not. We're just us. And that's okay isn't it?" She said, toying with him a little more.
"More than okay. And everyone else be damned. I'm not ready to let go of you just yet."
"Then don't." Rinoa said, repeating his own words back to him, and she giggled slightly as she did so.
Rinoa let him go for just the briefest of moments, and quickly discarded her pants and shirt. Once she was down to her bra and underwear, she slipped on a tank top, and slipped off her bra. She got into bed and held out her hand, reaching for him.
He crossed the room toward her and sat down on the other side of her bed.
"Wait wait. You're not still going to sleep in your clothes are you?"
"Why? Is that not going to work?"
"No," Rinoa laughed, "No it isn't."
She slid closer to him, and after he had unbuckled and kicked off his boots, she gently took the hem of his shirt in her hands and lifted it up over his head. Throwing it to the side, she slid her hands down to his pants. She undid his belt, and, being very careful to keep her hands on his hips and outside his boxer shorts, slid his pants down. He obliged her with a helpful shift of his hips, then laid down on his back. Rinoa threw her blankets over them and snuggled close.
Even as sleep began to claim them, they could both still feel the charge between them as skin touched skin. The waves of their emotions had begun to settle, and their individual flames became one. Their mutual feeling was of harmony, love, and exhaustion.
Author's note: Yes I know, I am a very bad person. Squall and Rin just can't have a good date and get it on in the bedroom without some negative repercussions.
I'm gonna stick to my outline going forward. Really.
Read and review please. While I appreciate ALL reviews, if you could review each chapter as you read it, that'd be lovely. That way I get feedback on each section, instead of at the end of my sporadic update... clumps.
All the best.
Noble Falcon