The first thing you're aware of is the sound of crying, the sound of sobbing. You're aware of someone gripping your right hand tightly, of someone whispering soft words into your ear. You're aware of the fact that its feels like there is cement holding your eyelids shut and you're aware of the fact that it feels like your left arm has been sliced in half and then you realize that it was. You remember it all now and you gasp softly because now everyone knows, they know all your demons, all you weaknesses and if theres one thing you never wanted its to appear weak.

You think its kind of pathetic that you cant even commit suicide correctly.

And all you devils all your demons all your skeletons, they are wide open and it kills you and suddenly your insides feel like they are on fire and you feel like you're going to upchuck because you tried to die.

You tried to die.

and you force your eyes open squinting at the bright sunlight shining through the blinds. Everything is too bright and everything is too clean and everything is too quiet and you regret opening your eyes because Rachel is there and shes crying and Brittany is staring at you and Santana is sobbing these loud heart-wrenching sobs and Puck is there.

Puck has tears streaming down his face.

Puck is crying rivers of sorrow, hand gripping yours and now hes talking to you. You scared the shit out of us he says out of me he says and you crumble. You crumble into yourself your face caving inwards and you want to crawl inside yourself

"Im so sorry" You say and you're not sure who you are apologizing to. You think maybe you're apologizing to them but maybe you apologizing to yourself because maybe if you were just a little stronger, had a thicker skin. Maybe if you were just a little more beautiful, just a little more brave you wouldnt be so weak. You think that your friends are lucky because they can still feel. And you think that maybe you're not apologizing to them because you think maybe those that are still feeling, those that are still bleeding are the lucky ones. You are not a lucky one,

You realize that you called them your friends.

You realize that you're numb and you think that maybe its better to not feel anything then to feel everything. At least you're not hurting anymore. And you think that maybe they've got you on so much morphine you wouldnt be able to feel it if you got run over by a truck.

You want to laugh because you already did that. And you want to laugh because of how ironic it is that the sun is out. That everything is so damn bright and you think that maybe if you follow the light you'll disappear.

You just really really want to go to neverland.

You think that maybe if it was dark you would meet your creator.

You want to ask him why hes doing this to you. Why he makes you suffer so much. What did you do to have to feel like this? Why do you always feel like you're suffocating. You think that maybe you've been suffocating for a long time. You havent been able to breathe for a long long time. Before you sliced open your arm. Before your lungs collapsed on you. Before you got hit by a truck. Before you were a skank. Before you got pregnant. Before. Before. Before.

You dont know if you believe in god anymore.

"How long have i been here" you ask not recognizing your own voice.

"A couple hours." Rachel says and you think that someone should probably get her some water because shes probably thirsty. And you wonder what its like to not know the difference between being sad and being thirsty.

"Why are you all here?" you say and you look at all their shocked tear stained faces and you wish you could feel bad for them. You wish you could feel some sort of emotion but in reality you just feel empty.

"Quinn" Rachel sobs and you want her to stop because shes so damn loud and shes so damn sad. "Quinn we're here because we care about you...we love you Quinn" and you shake your head. They dont love you they're only saying that because you wanted to die, because you want to die. You're unlovable.

"You dont..no one does" you squeeze your eyes shut because you dont want to look at them. You cant look at them. At their messy faces and their messy apologies, you dont want to see them feel sorry for you.

"God Quinn stop… just stop." Santana says and you dont open your eyes. "Stop being so fucking selfish." you want to hit her because you're lying in a hospital bed. because you deserve to be selfish for once.

"Get out" you say never opening your eyes. You think maybe it would be easier if you were blind. Maybe it would be easier to not have to see because you know Santana is crying. You know Puck is crying. You know Rachel is crying. You know Brittany is staring at you and you think it would be easier if you just didnt have to see them. "Santana, i want you to leave. I want you all to leave actually." you hear a crash and you know someone punched the wall next to your bed. You know it was Santana.

"Open you eyes and look at me. LOOK AT ME!" Shes yelling at you and you squeeze you eyes shut even harder because with yelling comes insults, with yelling comes beatings. The beep beep beep of you heart monitor speeds up "Why cant you see that we're all here because we love you? We love you so much why cant you realize that? Do you have any idea how hard it is to continuously think that you're going to die?" shes still yelling and you're crying and you cant breathe

"Shut up...please just stop" You sob and it feels like theres something on your lungs and Puck's holding you. Puck is whispering in your ear, telling you to just breathe.

"The four of us love you so much and theres eight people in the waiting room who love you too you cant keep trying to leave us Q" she says and then shes holding you and then Rachels holding you and then Brittanys holding you.

You pull away from them and open your eyes. and you apologize again and again and again. You just wanted to stop hurting you say. Finn was right you say you dont feel anything anymore. Theres a difference between hurting and feeling pain and you wanted to be able to feel again. You wanted to escape because things are bad, so very bad. they havent been good in a long time you say. You havent been good a long time you say. You just wanted to feel.

"We're gonna help you Q." Puck says "All of us we're gonna help you" and you want to believe them you really do but there have been so many broken promises. So many broken memories. and you're so sick of broken things.

You know that sometimes things that are broken can not be fixed and sometimes they can be but you're not sure which one you are.

authors note: im really proud of this chapter and i spent a lot of time on it because this morning i went and re-read the last chapter and it was kind of shitty so i want to apologize. Anyways please review and tell me what you guys want to see next. If i get five reviews on this chapter ill post another one this afternoon. I write these as i go and i dont really plan them out so if y'all want to see something review and tell me. Heres some recommended listening

Smother- Daughter

Medicine- Daughter

Damien Rice- Prague

Heart Cry- Drehz