Finn Hudson hates hospitals. He hates the way that the white walls fade into the white floors and the white floors fade into the white, pale faces of the visitors. He hates the fact that he never really can escape the sound of sobbing, the sound of the beep beep beeping of heart monitors. He hates the fact that he never really can get rid of the smell of bleach and it seeps into his insides and makes him dizzy.
Finn Hudson hates hospitals because in the past three years hes been to the hospital four times. Three out of the four times were for Quinn Fabray. Three out of the four times he sat in the hospital waiting room, pacing back and forth, heart beating fast. He thinks that his heart might try to jump out of his chest and he thinks he might not mind that because no matter how hard he tries he cant get it to stop. He thinks it might be easier if he could just crawl inside himself or disappear because this is his fault.
He wonders how many other people are blaming themselves.
He thinks that thats kind of funny.
Its funny that no one seemed to give a damn when Quinn was practically homeless. Its funny that nobody cared when she was falling apart. Ripping apart at the seams and breaking down. Its funny how no one cared when when she did break. She broke into a million different pieces, her porcelain skin sliced open by the shattered glass of her car.
Quinn was texting and driving.
Quinn was texting Rachel.
Quinn was going to his wedding.
Quinn almost died.
Quinn almost died again.
Quinn wanted to die.
He thinks thats so incredibly sad and he wonders how long shes been sad for. He wonders if shes always been sad and he was just so oblivious. he thinks thats always been true and he kind of hates himself for noticing it and he kind of hates everyone else for not noticing it but Quinn lived with him. She lived with him and he didnt notice anything wrong. He didnt notice how she never undressed in front of him. He didnt notice the way she flinched away from him when he got mad and he didnt notice the way she cried at night by herself. Skin radiating in the moonlight blonde hair hiding her face like viel he used to think Quinn looked like an angel.
He thinks that Quinn still looks like an angel.
But then he thinks its kind of ironic because Quinn almost became an angel.
She almost became an angel twice and that scares him.
Finn thought he was scared when Quinn went into labor at regionals. He thought he was scared when he first saw her after the accident. Her entire body covered in tubes and wires and bruises and bandages and he thought that if her insides were as broken as her outside then its amazing that she was still alive.
He doesnt think Quinn's insides ever healed.
He thinks that they've been broken for a long time and hes had enough broken limbs to know that you can bandage them but they take time to heal and they take resting and he realizes that Quinn hasnt had time or rest and then it all makes sense.
He remembers the way Quinn used to take too much time getting ready in the morning. How she used to stare at herself in the mirror for just a little too long and he used to think that she was just admiring her beauty. He used to admire her beauty all the time. But really Quinn was scrutinizing herself, scrutinizing every inch of her body and he remembers the way her hands used to pass over her baby bump and she'd bite her lip and hold back tears and squeezed her eyes shut. He remembers the way that she used to skip breakfast and lunch and only eat a salad at dinner and he remembers all the excuses all the i ate before i cames and im just not really hungry right nows and he just cant believe he didnt notice. He cant believe none of them noticed.
Finn thinks that Frannie looks so much like Quinn. All long limbs and dancer graceful and stop you in your tracks stunning but shes not as beautiful and Finn doesnt understand how that can be because Frannie and Quinn could be twins.
Frannie isnt sad.
Finn thinks that Frannie isnt sad and thats what makes them different. He thinks that even though Quinn is sad its the very beautiful kind of sad. The sad that makes him want to hug her, the sad that makes him still love her.
He loves Rachel.
He loves Quinn.
But he loves them in so many different ways. He wants to marry Rachel but he wants to hold Quinn. He thinks of Quinn as his sister and he cant help but hate seeing his sister sad.
Rachel, Santana and Brittany come out of Quinns room and he thinks its probably good that she's not left alone. He thinks its kind of good that Puck is the one who is with her.
He goes over to Rachel and gathers her in his arms and theres something so comforting about the way she fits into his body perfectly. He find it so comforting the way that she holds him tight, afraid to let go and he hold her tight too because Finn thinks that things that arent help onto drift away and shatter
Just like quinn.
authors note: look another completely depressing chapter is anyone surprised? so anyways i just really want to thank one of my most awesome reviewers im honored that you love my story so much. This chapter was kind of sad to write because i miss Cory so much. RIP Cory Monteith i love you
Fix You -Coldplay