Your arm aches and your eyes ache and your heart aches and you guess that your whole life pretty much just aches and you thought that trying to kill yourself would make everything stop hurting but now you realize that it just made everything hurt a little more. Your stomach aches and you wonder when the last time you ate was. You dont actually think you care.
Puck is staring at you.
He's the only one left in the room and the way hes looking at you makes you want to burst into tears because he just looks broken and hes looking at you like you're a wounded animal and you wonder how bad you look right you think that you probably dont care. You wonder if you even have any tears left and you dont think you do. You run your hands over the long patch of gauze running from just above the inside of your elbow to your wrist and you cant help but wonder how many stitches it took to sew you back together and you want to laugh because you cant help but think that even though they sewed your porcelian skin back together they didnt even touch the inside.
You want to laugh because the damage on the inside will take way more then a couple of stitches and a bandage to fix.
Puck is staring at you.
You know there are so many things he wants to say to so you reach out and grab his hand. Its shaking and you can help but think that its your fault. Its your fault for causing everyone so much pain. You've caused them so much pain over the years and you dont think that you deserve their sympathy. You dont deserve their pity you dont deserve anything they've given you and you feel so selfish.
"Why did you do it" Puck says in barely a whisper and you dont know how to answer that so you shake your head and squeeze your eyes shut because the pressure behind your eyeballs is becoming too much and you think that if you cry anymore you're probably going to flood the whole room. You think that you kind of want to drown. To float to the bottom of the ocean and close your eyes and just never feel again.
"Why did you do it" he asks again and you shake your head and still dont open your eyes because thats such a loaded question. "Please Quinn" he says and you might be imagining it because he was so quiet.
"I just didnt want to hurt anymore" you say and it isnt a lie but it isnt exactly the truth. You didnt want to hurt anymore. You didnt want to feel like there was no escape. You wanted to feel. You wanted to have something to control. You didnt want to feel worthless anymore. But you dont say those things because those are your private things and you dont really have anything private anymore so you wanted to hold onto this for as long as possible.
You feel Puck let go of your hand and you hear him get up and leave the room and you're alone. You've always been alone. You've never felt accepted in your entire life and you cant start now. You open you eyes and stare at the cieling. The white tiles and white walls and white cieling probably match your white face and white lips and you want to sink into them. You imagine they are clouds and you imagine floating away, away from this hell called existence. Away from your abusive father and your drunk of a mother and you not sister who's tears you found to be unnerving because shes hasnt cried for you in a long long time. She didnt cry when you called and told her you were pregnant, she didnt cry when you got hit by a truck but now she chooses to cry.
You wonder how many tears have been cried over you and you hate yourself a little more because you're a liar and a cheater and you dont deserve to be cried over.
The door opens and you think its probably Rachel or Santana so you open your eyes an dglance at it. Its neither of them.
Its Kurt.
You think you probably should be angry because a couple months ago he sat there and criticized you for you pain and now here he is in you hospital room with tears flowing from his eyes and onto his jacket.
The world never stopped loving you he said.
Suicide is selfish you said.
and you laugh at how ridiculous both of those accusations are now.
Now that you tried to slice open your arm.
Now that you went off the deep end.
Now that you tried to take a dirt nap.
"im so sorry Quinn" he says and you shake you head because everyone keeps apologizing to you when you should be the one who is apologizing to them. "i had no idea...we all had no idea." he says and thats when you know that the know everything and you want to scream.
but you dont. You just sit there and stare at him and he wipes away tears and tries to grab his hand. You let him because ever since Puck left you've been really craving some human interaction. Something to tell you that you're not alone. Someone to love you. "Please say something" He says
"The world did stop loving me Kurt" you say "the world stopped loving me a long time ago" and you roll onto your right side away from him and close your eyes listening to the steady beeping of you heart monitor in the background as it lulls you into oblivion and you sink into the blackness.
authors note: wow i kind of suck huh. I cant believe i went almost two days without updating but i was so extremely busy. i worked ridiculously long shift both last night and the night before that (subway sucks) and ive been trying to get all my stuff together for my first year of college this year and i had a dance class today and also ive spent the last two days reading WaveGoodBye's comfortably numb and i totally recommend it because its so good. anyways here you chapter and i think its kind of shitty but review please. Also i just really love writing from quinn's pov because i feel like i cant relate to her in a weird way idk.
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