A/N: You guys! thanks for the revieeews! Sorry I haven't updated in a week! I've been on vacation and sightseeing has taken up all my writing time! ^_^' Hopefully this ch will explain most of your questions about why Eren acts the way he does and if you have any Q's, feel free to ask me in a review or PM me :)
Disclaimer: I do not own SnK
Warnings: Lots of warnings for this chp! Violence, foul language, rape (*gasp*), baaaad stuff. If any of these are triggers for you, read until you get to an A/N telling you that the violence is coming! Then scroll down to XxXxXx, and resume reading from where we left off last chp. At the bottom A/N, I'll try to explain to the best of my ability what happened for those of you who skipped the violence...
Enjoy!
Chapter 5. A Short Stroll Down Memory Lane
He was crouched at the top of the shadowed staircase, eyes wide and pulse thrumming erratically under his skin as he listened to the caustic voices coming from the kitchen.
"Damn it, GRISHA! I've had enough, you're just going to have to accept the fact that I don't love you anymore!"
The boy shivered and wrapped his thin arms around himself.
I've never heard mum scream like that before... And if Mummy doesn't love Papa anymore, does that mean that she doesn't love me either...?
His attention was quickly brought back to his arguing parents when he heard his father speak. "Don't lie, of course you love me. We're happily married and we have a beautiful son. Don't you remember, Carla?" He paused and the young boy could hear vehement but quiet "no, no, no" from his mother. "We should take you to the hospital, Carla dear... You can't seem to remember your love for me."
A pained laugh rang out and echoed harshly through the house, rattling her son's bones and causing him to whimper quietly into the dark.
"Grisha, you're in denial. Get it through your stubborn head, you wanker; I. Don't. Love. You." He heard a sob and his mother continued tearfully, "I-I just can't do this anymore. I'm in love with someone else. I want a divorce... I know I'm not the best of mothers- I've never claimed to be- but I want full custody of Eren. I'll take good care of him, and even if you wanted to keep him, your work hours don't allow you enough time to raise a child."
There were a few seconds of silence and then her soft voice again, but calm and confident, with all trace of tears erased. "These past few years... You've changed, Grisha. You come home and you don't even notice that we're here, you mumble and mutter to yourself for days on end- you act insane. You're not the same man I married. I can't pretend anymore, I'm done."
The boy strained to hear his Papa's response, but he could not hear anything other than labored breathing and harsh desperate gasps. Then a low snarl-
"So you want to take my wife and Eren too?"
"What? Grisha, what the bloody hell are you talking about?"
His father's hysterical voice screamed, "HANNES! That cheating bastard! He's the one, isn't he? The one who's convinced my sweet and faithful wife to desert me?! And he wants to steal my only son away from me too!" A feral growl came from the kitchen and the earsplitting sound of something shattering on the linoleum tiles resonated in the boy's ears. Angry exclamations and stilted, crazed laughter filtered through the closed door.
What was that?! Did he throw something? But Papa would never hurt Mummy...would he?
He waited anxiously at the top of the stairs, green eyes shining and bright, before silently creeping down the steps one by one.
"Grisha... It's true, I love Hannes, but he is not stealing anything away from you. I decided on this a long time ago." A heavy sigh. "I'm going to go check on Eren- hopefully all our noise didn't wake him. I'll clean up this mess later and we can continue the conversation tomorrow in the morning."
The boy froze halfway down the stairs and quickly scampered back up to his room, almost tripping on his long pajama pants in his haste. He jumped into his bed, tucking the sheets with planet and rocket designs on them around him and clutching the bedspread all the way up to his chin.
"Eren?" There was a knock and then his mother appeared, dimly illuminated by the moonlight streaming through the window on the far wall. "Are you awake, luv?"
Eren was still for a moment, wondering if he should give himself away and let his mother know that he wasn't asleep yet. "Eren?" She whispered, and padded closer to his bed.
He didn't want to get in trouble for still being awake, but his childish curiosity made him sit up on the bed and lean back on his elbows. "Yes, I'm awake." He scanned the dark room, taking comfort in seeing the normal, everyday objects scattered around it. "Are... Are you going away, mum?"
Carla sighed and sat on his bed, the springs creaking noisily with the additional weight. "I assume that you heard the conversation your father and I had downstairs?"
The young boy worried the frayed strands of his blankets with his fingers before nodding sheepishly. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop... Well, I guess I did, but-"
"Eren," his mother said with small smile. "It's alright, baby." She dragged in a breath and her shoulders slumped forward slightly, giving under an unseen weight. "I am leaving. After I talk some more with your father, I am going to take my car to Hannes' place and I'm going to stay there until the divorce papers are all settled."
Eren's eyebrows scrunched together. "Divorce means that you're not family anymore, right?" His mother nodded and he swallowed thickly and looked away, suddenly feeling very unsure of himself. "W-what about me? Are-" his large eyes watered and his voice cracked slightly. "Are you going to divorce me too?"
There was moment of surprised silence before Carla gasped softly. She tenderly picked up Eren and placed the scrawny eight year old on her lap. She wrapped her arms around him and nuzzled his soft brown hair, wisps of it tickling her nose. "Oh, luv." She crooned. "Oh my little baby boy, no, I'm not 'divorcing' you! Eren I love you so much. I will always be here for you. I will always be your mum and you will always be my son- nothing in this world can change that."
The boy nodded slightly in relief and buried his face against her neck, dampening it with his silent tears. "I don't want you to go... but if Mr. Hannes makes you happy, then you should go with him. I want Mummy to be happy; you should leave if you feel sad here." He grasped her tightly and squeezed, pleading in an almost inaudible voice, "But you have to promise... Promise me that you won't leave me here forever. Promise that you'll come back for me." Ocean colored eyes- the exact same shade as hers- looked up at her tentatively, uncharacteristic shyness in their depths. "Pinky promise?"
Carla felt tears running down her own cheeks and smiled shakily, her tired face lighting up with delight. "Of course I promise, I'll come for you after I'm settled in with Hannes." She stuck out her pinky finger and hooked it with her son's. "And I never break my promises." She laughed a little and kissed Eren on his forehead. "Especially my pinky promises."
They were so absorbed in each other and in their musings that they never noticed the dark figure peering at them from the shadows, listening to their every word. The black wraith shifted and silently walked away. "Selfish traitor. My own son trying to convince dear Carla to leave... Convincing her leave me but to comeback for him. So greedy at such a young a age. It's unnatural."
What kind of boy wants his mother to desert his father? What kind of selfish child has been living under my roof all these years? Unless...Grisha's eyes widened in revelation. Unless he's not a child at all... He must be a monster of some sort, deceiving us all with his facade as an angelic and caring son. He's been poisoning Carla's mind and thoughts since she brought him into this world. Grisha leaned against a wall for balance but kept walking. My beautiful son, a treacherous snake all this time... He stopped in the hallway and the moonlight glinted against his bared teeth as he smiled.
"Auch der Teufel ist schön, wenn er jung ist." *
The next day, Eren's mother left. Father and son stood side by side at the front door and watched the car roll out of the driveway and into the street. Grisha stayed frozen in place, his gaze unfocused and blank.
"Papa?" A small hand tugged on his sleeve. "Papa, don't be sad. Mummy said she'd come back. She promised."
The man shifted his flat gaze to his son's guileless face. "Promised? Her promises are worth nothing. We promised to love each other for the rest of our lives, for better or for worse. The woman I married is gone. My beautiful Carla no longer walks this earth, just a shell of her does." He looked at the boy intently before glancing away and whispering to himself inaudibly, "She was taken away by the demon child she birthed."
Eren didn't hear him and his green eyes squinted in consternation. "What do you mean? Mum is the same as she's always been, she's not a- a shell..." His nose scrunched up and he looked at the older man inquiringly.
His father's mouth curled slowly into an eerily thrilled smile and his eyes passed over Eren as if he didn't even see him standing there. "My Carla is dead. An imposter stands in her place." He gave a small giggle and staggered back into the house. "But not for long..."
Eren didn't cry at the funeral. His small body felt numb and his tears ducts couldn't seem to function properly. He wasn't even aware of the crowd of people who came to pay their respects- the hands patting his head and murmuring their condolences passed unnoticed. His glassy ocean eyes looked at the dark hole in the ground in front of him, a shadowed chasm that was slowly being covered back up with dirt. Mummy wouldn't like being buried, he thought to himself. She hated dirt. The sun shone too brightly, blinding him and baking him in the heat, and his formal black suit only helped in trapping his sweat. The grass crunched behind Eren after the service was over and the coffin lay completely buried in the earth.
"Eren. It's time to go home now." A large hand landed on his shoulder. "I've decided that we're leaving England. I got a job offer and we leave for America in three days, we need to begin packing."
The small boy ripped his gaze away from the freshly turned soil and looked up at his father. The older man's face had been a blank mask since his wife had left and Eren saw no emotion bleed into his apathetic expression.
His father gripped him tighter until Eren winced from the pain and repeated, "It's time to go."
The walk back to their car was thick with tension and the oppressive heat of the afternoon, the only sound was of the grass being crushed underfoot. Eren looked up at the blue sky and finally felt warm tears slipping down his cheeks.
"You broke your promise."
They moved into a smaller house in Texas, a city away from where Eren had been born eight years prior. The small brunette had been uncomfortable by how different everything looked and was in comparison to England. There were no archaic cobblestones streets and the taxi that had taken them away from the airport to their new house had been a glaring yellow instead of the usual black. Some of the people here spoke funny and his British accent stood out like a sore thumb when all he wanted was to blend into the background and hide from his new schoolmates. The only student who had managed to befriend Eren was a short blonde named Armin. He was nice and didn't ask him endless questions about his life in England, or about what had happened to his mother and why he only had one parent. Eren felt comfortable around his new friend and felt like he could tell him anything and everything- even the still raw and painful memories of his mother's death.
And eventually, little by little as Eren broke out of his shell, he did tell the blonde boy everything.
Everything, that is, except for what was happening to him at home.
A/N: if violence and abuse is a trigger for you, then scroll down till you reach XxXxXx
His birthday came and went, seasons changed and left unnoticed. Nothing out of the ordinary happened and his days fell into routine. His father hit him occasionally or called him a monster as he walked by, but Eren had gotten so used to this during the passing year that his father's words beaded wetly on his back and slipped over him like water running off fish. The beatings were harder to shake off and ignore, but Eren was a quick learner.
On the anniversary of his mother's death though, something changed.
Eren came home from school that day to find his father already there, several hours early from when his shift at work ended. The older man was sitting on a high stool and was leaning forward with his elbows against the granite countertop and his head cradled between large hands. Eren froze in the hallway when he saw him there and tried to control his abruptly harsh breathing.
No. Please, no. I don't want to get hit today... Please, not on the day Mum died...
The young boy slowly unlocked his muscles and took a tentative step towards his room, praying to God that his father wouldn't notice him. He had barely gone two steps forward when he heard a chair scrape and a slightly slurred voice call out to him. "I know your there. Come in the kitchen, I want to speak with you."
Fear spiked in his chest but he beat it down and locked it away in an impenetrable steel vault. He made sure to shove the vault in the farthest recess of his mind where Grisha could never find it- he wasn't about to let the older man know how afraid he was, especially today of all days when Eren knew that his father's already unstable emotions would be most turbulent.
"Hello." He said softly in greeting. "You're here very early, Papa."
Grisha's glasses glinted against the glare of the overhead light fixtures and he swirled the liquor that sat next to him on the table. There he is.He thought. The little devil that killed my Carla with his selfishness. The alcohol was starting to numb him nicely, and the sensation encouraged him to take another swallow of his drink. It burned his throat as it went down and grew into fire in his stomach, his body felt overly warm and Grisha was beginning to feel trapped in his stuffy clothes. He looked at his son's mesmerizing eyes. Carla's eyes were stolen from her by this boy as well. "Yes. I am here early. Do you know why?" He loosened his tie and began unbuckling his dark brown belt.
Eren tried to swallow but found that his throat was too dry, the soft muscles refusing to cooperate. "Y-your home so soon because today is the first year anniversary of Mum's d-death."
"Very good, little monster. You are correct." The older man stood and walked over to his son, watching intently and noticing how Eren's muscles seemed to constrict in fear with his every step. "Do you know how Carla died, my little creature?"
The ocean gaze remained fixated on his father's eyes and he took in shallow breaths to try and quell his fear. "Y-yeah. Mummy died in a car accident with Mr. Hannes because her brakes weren't working right... That's what the police men said when they t-told us that s-she was- that she was dead." His voice had quieted to a whisper and his shoulders were starting to shake in response to his father wrapping the belt around one fist and pulling it taut with the other.
Oh, please. Please don't.
Grisha nodded and seemed to consider Eren's answer. After a few seconds of tense silence, one hand let go of the belt and he snapped it back and got it in position over his right shoulder. "Wrong answer, I'm afraid. The correct one is you."
The words echoed in the younger's head before they sank in and processed. "What do you mean? How am I the answer." The brunette hissed in pain and jerked back when the belt whipped him on the arm, leaving behind an angry red streak that throbbed in time to his pulse.
"I was not aware that monsters could talk." Grisha sniggered and hit him again, this time with the buckled end. The clasp bit into his ribs and Eren gasped in surprise and pain, almost doubling over so he could catch the breath that had been knocked out if him. "You are the reason that my lovely and loyal wife is dead. Your selfishness took her away from me and your egotistical pleas killed her when she drove back to come get you."
The young boy felt all the blood drain from his face, bleaching the sun-kissed tan from his skin. "Do you mean... That she- that mummy died when she came back to take me with her?" His father's baleful glare was answer enough and he dropped to his knees. This, more than any of the older man's blows, hurt him and bruised him. It's... My fault? I thought the brakes were the problem... But she wouldn't have had to drive back if it weren't for me... Maybe she wouldn't be dead if she hadn't had to keep her promise.Tears left wet tracks down his face and the kitchen tiles beneath him blurred. That stupid promise.
"Lay on the floor."
"What?" Eren's green eyes were muddled in grief and confusion.
"I said," Grisha bit out, "get on the floor." He raised the belt and hit his son one last time across the chest. "Do it. Now."
The young boy winced and turned, pressing his back to the cold marble. What is he going to do? He's never hit me from the ground before... Rough hands turned him over onto his stomach and disregarded his surprised gasp. "Papa? I don't unders-", he choked when something hard and leathery was shoved into his mouth and tied behind his head. Wait, what is this? Is this his...Belt? Eren began to panic and frantically tried to roll over. A knee was pressed onto his back and held him flat against the floor.
"Tsk, tsk. That won't do at all. You have to be still or else it will hurt."
Soft material slid down his forehead and was harshly fastened on his eyes, making Eren's world go dark and sightless. What?! I don't understand what's happening! I'm so scared, Mum, please help me... He heard shuffling and his small wrists were grabbed tightly behind his back.
"Carla, oh my lovely Carla. I love you so much." The softly crooned words made Eren shudder and struggle even more. Papa, who are you talking to?! Stop! You're scaring me, I don't like this! His head was smashed against the floor and he whimpered in pain. "Carla! Stop wriggling around, I don't want you to hurt yourself..."
Rough hands smoothed their way down his son's soft arms and flat stomach, pulling Eren's shorts down to his ankles with a firm tug. Wait, Carla- does he mean Mum?! My mother is dead! He's gone insane!He kicked his legs and bucked, trying in vain to dislodge the man on top of him who was at least three times his weight. A clawed fist slipped under the elastic band of his boxers and yanked them down. The small brunette choked on a sob when he felt a cruel finger invasively digging into his sensitive hole. Tears ran down his face in torrents and his breath hitched brokenly in his chest. Oh, God. Please, please stop.The digit shoved it's way inside the ring of tight muscle and Eren screamed into the damp leather that had been made salty by his garnering sweat and tears. The pain was unlike anything the young boy had ever felt before, and the sheer wrongness of having something stuck inside him resonated through his body. Another finger was pushed into the small and tender opening and Eren spasmed on the floor.
"Carla, my darling. Stop struggling."
Grisha wrenched Eren's legs apart and forced him on his knees, the position effectively pressing the boy's face to the floor as his small ass was lifted into the air. Eren couldn't think, his mind had gone blank and all his attention was directed to the struggle of breathing through his nose. Some thing thick and hot probed against him before thrusting inside bruttaly. Green eyes shut tightly in agony and he yelled hoarsely into the belt, biting it so hard that he left permanent deep grooves on the dark leather. It felt like he was being ripped from the inside out and Eren felt something warm and wet trickling down his thighs, pooling on the once pristine marble floor. The pounding motions and wet sound of suctioning skin reverberated in the small room.
"Ughhhmff. Carla. I love you Carla. I love you so much." Grisha moaned vulgarly and thrust even deeper, ignoring Eren's pained cries as he focused on his torrid fantasy. The older man's breathing came in short gasps and his motions became jerky and convulsive, his dick twitched inside his son's tight warmth and readied itself for release.
Eren was rocked back and forth across the floor in time to his father's movements and his blindfold slipped down and revealed his eyes. The boy immediately concentrated on a small crack on the marble kitchen tile in the futile attempt to distract his mind. He had stopped feeling any pain after a few minutes of the ceaseless thrusting and all he felt now was a cold lethargy. Eren was slammed down and his father grunted and groaned loudly. As his vision darkened and became fuzzy at the edges, he detachedly wondered if his father was killing him. There was no other explanation as to why he could no longer feel his body, as if all his nerve endings had become dulled and deadened.
"Carla, ahhhhggg." There was a violent shudder and then the brunette felt a hot liquid fill him and overflow thickly down his legs. With the last thrusts and short spurts of Grisha's seed, Eren felt his eyes droop down of their own volition.
"Ah, Carla. I love you so much." His father caressed the boy's unblemished back and pulled out, Eren's muffled sobs falling on deaf ears. The sound of pants being zipped and buckled was heard, and his father stepped away from the small brunette gagged and slumped on the icy floor. Grisha leaned down and patted the boy's head one last time before walking out of the kitchen. "Happy anniversary, Carla."
Eren waited to make sure that his father had truly left before shakily untying the belt from his mouth and gulping down deep breaths. He felt a spreading numbness envelop his small aching body and gratefully let it lull him to sleep. The young boy pushed past the still blinding pain and called up an image of his mother.
Mum, save me, you promised that you'd come back for me. I can't stay here, I need to go. I need to leave this place.
I need to escape.
XxXxXx
Present day...
I need to escape right now.
Eren strode towards him and forced a playful smile on his face. "Nothing's wrong." He reached over and trailed a hand against the bartender's chest. "I was just stepping outside to cool my head." Ocean colored eyes came closer to amber ones and Eren could feel Nick's warm breath against his icy face.
He can help me escape...
"Do..." He leaned against the older male's heated body and sighed sultrily.
"Do you want to fuck?"
The words hung in the frigid winter air and heavily sunk back into the dark like stones.
No. Stop being a dumbass. I just told Levi that I'm trying to change. I'm not a liar and I don't need to escape anymore.
Nick had frozen and stiffened under his hand, his eyes narrowing as he looked at Eren. The brunette's smile twisted wrily and he laughed at his shocked expression.
"Just kidding."
I'm not that helpless child I used to be, I can deal with things on my own- I don't need anyone's help.
The shorter boy stepped back and walked past the floored bartender, making his way out of the dark alley to the front of the club. Nick followed behind with a soft laugh and headed towards the street ahead of them.
"Shit, man! Don't joke around like that, someone might take you seriously one day." His pierced ear caught the light and the diamond stud glinted under the street lamp. "But if you ever change your mind..." He grinned and winked at the green eyed boy. "You know where to find me. Go back in the club if your done 'cooling your head', it's fucking freezing out here!" He let out another rough laugh and stepped onto the pavement. "It was nice meeting you, Eren. See ya!" He gave a playful wave goodbye and jogged across the empty street, head turning back and forth as he made sure that no cars were passing by. Eren sighed and faced the doorway of the club.
I really should go back in there and grab my jacket...But he dreaded the thought of going back inside. Going inside meant having to face Levi, and he just wasn't in the mood for another confrontation. The brunette felt emotionally drained with the small battle he'd had with himself and also a bit drunk- not a good combination. He wasn't usually a big drinker and he couldn't remember the last time he had drunk so much in one night, the dizziness and churning stomach that came with being inebriated was finally starting to catch up with him. Well, if I do see Levi, maybe I'll throw up on him. That'll make me feel better for sure... He let out another sigh, watching the white steam float up in the night air, and pulled the door open. Eren took one step forward and came face to face- or rather, chin to face- with a short black haired man.
Fucking hell... God, why do you hate me?
Levi looked up at the tall brunette and scowled. "Stupid brat. You forgot your fucking jacket." He shoved the coat into Eren's limp arms and pushed him back outside. "You came here in Nellie's car, right?" At his secretary's mute nod, he huffed. "I'm going home, I've had enough of that stupid redheaded masochist to last me a lifetime... I'll drop you off on my way." He strode away from the younger man and headed towards the parking lot. Eren simply stood there, processing his boss' words and the fact that Levi hadn't just beat him to death in revenge for previously slapping the older male in the booth.
Huh. Will you look at that. Maybe God does love me after all...
"Oi! Are you coming or not? I'll leave your sorry ass behind if you don't move it."
The ocean eyed boy smiled weakly. "Coming!" He ran up to him and they walked side by side. There was a awkward silence and then Eren said, "Sorry, Levi. About hitting you, I mean. Not about what I said, I still completely mean that, but I shouldn't have resorted to violence." His voice had risen defiantly at the last part but it was back down to a murmur again. "Slapping you was a really shitty thing to do..." Eren trailed of and the shorter man stopped dead in his tracks, seeming to debate something in his head.
Levi cleared his throat and gradually resumed walking. "Forget it. That bitch slap was pathetic anyways... And it's not completely your fault." He swallowed uncomfortably and coldly glanced at the taller boy beside him. "I shouldn't have said what I did. You were right, I don't know you and I don't know the reason behind your actions." He spotted his black sedan and nodded at it, relieved that his apology was over with. That should satisfy bitchy four-eyes..."There's my car. Let's go."
Eren looked at him askance and was amused to see that his boss's usual blank and emotionless face had a slight frown pulling at his mouth. I guess that's an apology... Even if he didn't use the words 'sorry' or 'I apologize'... Wait, does this mean-
The younger boy grinned and hesitantly asked, "Does that mean that I'm not fired, Levi?"
The gray eyed man shot him an annoyed glare and snorted. "Tch. If I had fired you, you would know it, kid. And who the fuck told you that you could call me Levi? It's Rivaille to you, little shit."
Eren sniggered. "Yes sir, Rivaille."
A/N: ok, first thing's first. "Auch der Teufel ist schön, wenn er jung ist." * According to google translate, it means: 'Even the Devil was beautiful when he was young' in German. It seemed pretty fitting for Grisha's insane ramblings about his son ^_^ (Grisha is from Germany and Carla is from England BTW's) Next, for those of you who didn't read the violent scene and for those of you who did, I'm going to explain what happened and how it physically and emotionally scarred Eren and why it 'forced' him to sleep around so much. So, Eren- nine year old boy ready to mourn for his mother on the day of her first year anniversary, gets raped by his mentally deranged father. You guys, he's nine. He didn't even understand what was happening to him. He didn't know he was being raped, he just knew that it hurt like f***ing hell. I did quite a bit of research on the psychological effects of rape (all on Wikipedia though, ugh sorry) and here's a tiny bit of what I found: the incest experience was psychologically harmful... In later life, frequently leading to feelings of low self-esteem, unhealthy sexual activity, and other emotional problems. Unhealthy sexual activity. I think that describes Eren pretty well right there- I mean, one second he's saying 'I'm gonna change' and the next, he's all over Nick, trying to seduce him with his gorgeous eyes. But why would he do this? There's a reason. ...some rape survivors become hyper-sexual or promiscuous following sexual attacks, sometimes as a way to reassert a measure of control to their sexual relations. That's exactly what Eren is doing. He needs to 'escape' and it just so happens that he needs Nick's help to do it. He needs to take back the control that Levi took away from him with his accusations and the only way Eren really knows how to take back control, is through sex. It might not make a lot of sense, but he was raped as a kid. He was confused for a long time, you guys, and just because he understands the problem, it doesn't mean that it can always be answered right away. Armin, Mikasa, and Thomas- the ex boyfriend- helped (more on that in later chps...) but there's only so much that friends and family can help with. You have to want to change on your own, and thankfully, Eren does want to change.
I really hope this answered your questions or appeased your annoyance- if any- with Eren and his contradictory behavior. If you have any questions, ask me in a review or PM me and I'll answer to the best of my abilities. Thanks for reading and reviewing/fav/following! :D See ya next chapter! (I promise it won't be sad like this one! :P)