Cus I deserve it' were the words that kept resounding in Cordelia Chase's mind. She couldn't really believe that Faith had said that earlier that day. What was even more surprising was the sureness in her voice.
"You didn't hear her Angel. She believes that she does deserve it." Cordelia tells Angel. The vampire sighs and closes his eyes momentarily.
"Cordelia, she's just confused right now." he tries. Cordelia scoffs.
"She's not confused shes....." Cordelia trails off not sure exactly what to day about the former dark slayer. "She doesn't." she whispers finally.
"Huh?" The vampire questions her a little confused. He was starting to think she had dropped the subject.
"She doesn't deserve that. What.... do you really believe she's changed?" she questions him.
"Without a doubt." he responds with no hesitation. Cordelia nods.
"Then don't you think we should keep an eye on her? I mean, you said yourself she's the little sister you never got to see grow up so we should watch her...make sure she's alright." she reasons with him. He nods but then shrugs.
"I don't think that's a good idea Cordelia. She needs her space to deal with this her way. Sure, we can let her know we're here for her but if we push, we'll only push her away." he tells her.
"And if we don't she might retreat into herself." she shoots back.
"You don't know her that well Cordy. She's not the most open person. You can push a little but if she feels crowded she'll get defensive." he retorts to the younger woman who seems to be growing more annoyed by the moment.
"Angel sometimes you have to push people. No matter how much they hate it." she tells him firmly. "We really can't leave her on her own right now." she adds.
"Is this about helping her or is this because you don't trust her?" Angel asks getting annoyed himself. Cordelia sighs heavily.
"This isn't about that although I don't trust her. I probably never will but that's not the point. I help the helpless and rig-" she's cut off by a growling voice from the doorway.
"I'm not fucking helpless!" Faith exclaims. Cordelia whips around, going into defense mode before trying to relax her posture. "I can handle myself." Faith tries a little more calmly.
"Faith we-" she cuts Angel off not really in the mood to hear what he's trying to say.
"Shut up Angel. I wanna ask everybody in this room a question." she states slowly referring to the others in the room that had been completely forgotten. The Scooby Gang as well as The Fang gang listen intently to what she's about to ask. "Why is it that you can forgive anybody else except me? I mean... I don't expect it overnight but I.... why don't you even acknowledge that I changed? You guys all act like its too impossible to grasp. Well almost all of you, Fred, Lorne, Gunn, you guys' have been great but the rest of you...except Angel." she questions. No one speaks for a moment and she grows annoyed. "What? Got nothin to say?" she questions in an annoyed tone.
"Y-you can't just expect us t-to be all happy like with you around." Willow starts. She stops to wet her lips. "But you are right a-and I'm sorry. I understand what it's like a-and I haven't been exactly welcoming and I'm sorry about earlier." she apologizes sincerely to the younger girl. Faith sighs and nods.
"Don't sweat it Red. I get it. In a way I just... why the fuck are you guys havin a meetin about me without me?" she asks the real question that's bothering her finally. Everyone exchanges glances and shrugs. She rolls her eyes. "Whatever." she says turning to leave.
"Where are you going?" Cordelia is the first to question.
"Don't ask questions when you don't really care about the answer." Faith replies before laving the room. Cordelia stands up to follow her but stops herself.
"You guys do realize she's right." Willow speaks up defending Faith.
"What?" Buffy questions her best friend.
"I-its like we can forgive any and everything except Faith. She made a mistake and she's trying to move on. She deserves a second chance." Willow responds. Angel's surprised but grateful eyes land on her.
"Are you seriously on the lets love Faith train?" Buffy questions incredulously. "After... she hurt us Wills. I'm not saying that she's not changed...good for her but I can't... I..." Willow cuts her off.
"You can't what Buffy? Forgive her? She said so herself she doesn't expect it overnight. Hell she probably doesn't expect it from us at all but her question deserves an answer. Why can we forgive Angel...how can you guys forgive me? Even Spike but Faith is a no go?" the red headed witch questions slightly perturbed by her friends and herself.
"Because..." Cordelia trails off lamely.
"Because we want to hate her. She gave us an excuse and we're using it. She doesn't need that. E-especially not now. She's sorry...she's trying but it's hard to...to move on with your life after you've been in that place. Its hard to come out but she did and..." Willow trails off in frustration not exactly sure how to react to her friends. They all sit there, all lost in their own thoughts. No one is sure exactly how to reach the younger girl. No one except for a certain brunette vampire of course. He was just afraid that he it was the wrong way.
--
Faith stalked through the lobby of The Hyperion Hotel with one focus in mind. Going out to slay. The fact that she was no longer a slayer wasn't going to stop her. In fact, it made her want to slay just that much more. Slayer or not, I can take down some vamps. She thinks to herself. She exits the hotel glancing up at the slowly darkening sky. She takes a deep breath and sets off in a random direction. She comes to a stop in front of a bar and decides to enter. Putting her hand on the door ready to push, she pauses. She reconsiders and continues on her way toward what she hopes is a cemetery. She pushes on the gates but can't get the lock to break. Growling in frustration, she scans the local street looking for any sign of police or security guards. Spotting none, she hops up a little and starts to climb the gate. Who woulda thunk all that trouble'd come in handy? She thinks to herself with a small smirk. She walks in calmly and confidently. She stops in front of a large broken tree limb. She closes her eyes tightly before reaching down and trying and trying to snap it. She pulls but nothing. She grunts and lets go for a moment before letting it go and staring at her hand. Her palms are red and the indents around her hand indicate where she was pulling on the limb. She clinches her jaw trying to fight tears. She didn't cry. Crying was for the weak and she refused to be weak. A week ago she could've snapped that limb in half easily but now...now it was mocking her. It felt like everything was mocking her. She growls at the offending large amount of wood before yanking it up trying to break it over her knee. The force caused her to gasps and drop the large piece of wood to place a hand on her now throbbing leg. It hurt something fierce and she acknowledged that. She also acknowledged the fact that the pain distracted her from a greater pain. The emotional pain she felt. The feeling of worthlessness that washed over her when she realized she no longer had her powers. She glanced at the wood before lifting it again before doing the same thing again. The pain was intense because this time a jagged piece of wood collided with her leg but didn't break sin. If anything it probably just scratched a little surface skin. She closed her eyes with a new task in mind. Finding a vampire and fighting it. She took a deep breath and set out in a random direction.
--
Panicking. Panicking was happening right now. Angel felt like a mother hen pacing back and forth but he couldn't help himself. No one had seen Faith in the past few hours and his worry meter was about to break. Now was not the time for her to be wanting a good slay and he was afraid that's exactly what happened. So why wasn't he out looking for her right now? That answer was simple. Everyone agreed that he would not be very helpful if he beat the snot out of every vampire and demon who said they didn't know where Faith was. Even if they were telling the truth, you never tell someone whose worried you don't know. Its just not done. He stands in front of the large window in his office and clinches is fists tightly. I should have listened to Cordelia. He thinks. Even though she hadn't said anything the look Cordelia had given him before leaving said it all. 'Guess you shoulda listened' it said. And now he agrees. His attention snaps to his office door when it crashes against the wall. Fred's tired face appears and he immediately worries more.
"Faith...." she pants out. "We found her." she pants out.
"Where is she?" he asks. Controlled like always.
"Upstairs in her room getting patched up." she says. His brows furrow, brown eyes showing a deep concern.
"Patched up?" he's confused. Yes, confused is the right word for him right now. Throw in a little bit of anger and frustration and you've got your very own broody Angel.
"She was uh... we found her fighting a group of vamps. Although I'm not really sure you could classify provoking them as fighting. She barely e-even through any punches. I-it was almost as if...." she trails off.
"What Fred? What is it?" he questions not exactly sure he wants the answer.
"As if that's what she wanted." Fred finishes quietly.
"Huh?" he couldn't have heard her right.
"I think... I think she wanted those vampires to...to attack her." Fred repeats softly. Angel shakes his head.
"No... she's just off. And she shouldn't have been out there but... she wouldn't..." he shakes his head rushing from the room up the stairs. He doesn't have to be told where she is he just follows the scent of her blood. Her blood. The thought of what he's smelling makes him sick to his stomach. He bursts into her door to find Willow and a younger slayer wrapping her mid section and he can't help but noticing the small cuts and bruises forming on her face.
"I-i did a healing spell for her. She'll be fine with some sleep a-and a little TLC which Fred and Amanda here volunteered." Willow says to him with a slight smile. Angel doesn't even try to return it. He just moves over to the side of Faith's bed and leans down to brush some hair outta her face.
"What the hell were you thinking?" he asks quietly.
"She wasn't." Cordelia says matter-of-factly answering for the sleeping slayer. Angel just sighs and stares at Faith with concerned eyes. He didn't notice the look of worry pass over Amanda's face before she left the room.
--
The next morning Faith awoke feeling as if someone told Donkey Kong it'd be a great idea to use her head as a trampoline. Groaning she turns over and pulls the blanket over her head to shield herself from the light.
"What was last night about?" a gentle voice asks from beside her. Her eyes fly open and land on Angel. She moves back slightly but stops her retreat before hitting the floor. "Sorry but... when my little sister used to have nightmares I'd hold her. You were having nightmares." he explains his reason for being in the bed beside her. She nods her head slightly.
"I always wanted a big brother to chase all the big bads away when I was a kid." she half jokes.
"You got it." Angel replies seriously. "You got that now Faith. You also have an ear that'll listen to you without judging you. No matter how stupid or pointless you think it is... I'll listen." he says softly. She nods her head after eying him for several long minutes. They bot sit up in the bed in silence and stare at the door as if they're waiting for something to come through it. Nothing comes. After thirty minutes Angel looks back at Faith in time to catch a tear slide down her face. He doesn't say anything as he pulls her to his larger frame rubbing a calming hand on her back. She finally calms down sometime later, leaning away to wipe her eyes quickly.
"It... it helped Angel." she starts. She had gotten used to opening up to the souled vampire over her time in jail with him being her only visitor and all. She had already told him somethings she'd sworn to never tell anyone. That doesn't make telling him any easier though. Even though she knew he'd listen and still think of her as Faith and not the killer she used to be doesn't make her telling him that she enjoyed the pain any easier.
"What helped?" he finally asks realizing that he may need to give her a small nudge.
"Feeling the pain. It helped." she explains slowly.
"Helped what?" he questions wanting to know what's going on in her head.
"Helped me forget. For that short amount of time it helped me forget." she explains to him. "God, what kinda freak am I?" she questions with a watery chuckle. Angel rests a hand on her shoulder forcing her to meet his eyes.
"You're not a freak. You're just somebody that has to adjust to something new." he tells her. She raises an eyebrow at him as if to say, 'yeah right' but doesn't say anything. "Look, everybody was worried about you last night so why don't we go downstairs and have breakfast to show 'em you're still here?" he asks hopefully. She sighs deeply and nods her head although she really didn't want too. "I'll wait outside the door while you get ready." he's up and out before she can say anything. She moves over to her dresser and pulls out a tank top and sweat pants. Moving slowly into the bathroom she cleans herself best she can with her injuries before meeting Angel outside the door. He smiles at her warmly before leading her down the stairs and into the conference room. She looks at him.
"You plan everything dontcha?" she asks lightly. He smiles a little before his face turns serious.
"Here we go." he ignores her question. When they walk in and all movement stops.
"Oh look, if it isn't miss human punching bag herself." Cordelia s the first to say something.
"Cordelia..." Angel tries to chastise. Cordelia rolls her eyes.
"What?" she snaps.
"Is now really the time for this?" Wesley speaks up.
"Sorry I worried you guys last night." Faith says almost too quietly for everyone to hear her but they do luckily.
"What the hell were you thinking Faith? You can't just go out like that!" Buffy finally makes her presence known. "You could've been really hurt." she says showing that her explosion is out of concern.
"Whatever I'm fine. Can we just forget it?" Faith snaps back.
"No Faith we can't just forget it. We had to get you out of a vamp nest. Do you not get that you could've died in there?" Cordelia questions wondering where Faith's mind was on vacation.
"And the only person that'd care is Fang anyway." Faith shoots back.
"We saved you Faith, we wouldn't have if we didn't care." Wesley says gently.
"No, you wouldn't have if it was your job. I'm an ex slayer Wes, not an idiot." Faith snaps. She's really tired of this group already.
"I-i was worried." Fred speaks up quietly.
"Us too." Gunn speaks up for himself and Lorne. Faith sighs.
"Sorry you guys I just needed to get out." she says. "And I ended up in the wrong place. Thanks." she says trying to move away from the subject.
"Y'know I'd think you'd be happy you weren't a slayer anymore. It's pretty much what got you in trouble the first time anyway." Cordelia says a few minutes later voicing exactly what she's thinking about. Faith clinches her jaw and fists to keep from lashing out.
"You just don't get it Cor." Faith grinds out.
"No I don't. I'd honestly be happy if I didn't have my powers anymore." Cordelia says. "Well sometimes anyway." she adds.
"I'm not you." Faith says harshly.
"No you're not, you're lucky." Cordelia responds.
"What makes you think that?" Faith asks with an edge to her voice.
"You can be normal now. You don't have to worry about slaying anymore. No more apocalypses." Cordelia says honestly. She's right.
"You make it sound so appealing." Buffy jokes.
"Are you really that stupid?! I thought the dumb cheerleader thing was an act but I dunno!" Faith exclaims jumping out of her chair.
"Goodness Faith, calm down." Cordelia says lightly.
"I can't fucking calm down when yet again I didn't get a say in what happened with my life!" Faith yells. Everyone looks at her confused. "That spell that Buffy felt was necessary changed me." she finally says.
"Don't try and blame this on me. If you didn't like the idea you coulda said something." Buffy says defensively.
"So you can chew me out and tell everybody how bad an idea it'd b to listen to a murderer?" Faith asks back.
"I'm not taking the blame for something I had no control over." Buffy says defiantly.
"You suggested that spell! You had SOME control over it! More than I did." Faith leans across the table red faced and angry.
"We needed the extra power! I did what I had to do! I'm the Slayer which means I gotta make the hard decisions. That spell was what was best!" Buffy replied standing up as well now.
"YOU WEREN'T THE SLAYER! I WAS! IT WAS MY JOB!" Faith screams almost at the top of her lungs.
"Because you're so good at doing it." Buffy replied. That statement stung more than she realized. "Faith, that spell did good. We made an army. A slayer army." Buffy tried a little more calm. Something within Faith snapped at that.
"That spell didn't just create new slayers, it took my life away!" she yelled annoyed, hurt, and confused. Everybody paused, letting the depth of that statement and the pain in Faith's voice sink in. This was more serious than Angel thought. Everybody seemed to blink at the same time as time seemed to restart.
"The other day I said I wanted to help you." Cordelia starts.
"With what Cor? There's nothin to help me with. Everything that meant somethin is gone and..." Faith stops.
"And we'll help you get it back." Cordelia responded. "But you gotta like... you gotta let us help." She adds. Faith stares at her for a minute.
"I don't want your help. I wanna be me." she says finally.
"I-i'm sorry Faith." Willow whispers.
"Little late for that Red." spoken calmly. No resentment present. Just defeat. It was an odd thing from Faith. Sadly enough, Angel was used to that sound and look in her eyes.
"B-but I-" Faith shakes her head before exiting the room quickly. Everyone stays in their places after the door slams. Nobody sure of what to do. Even more confused than before. The door opens up to reveal an angry looking Amanda. Her eyes settle on Buffy.
"She's right y'know. You didn't really give anybody a choice in this." she says angrily. Buffy doesn't even bother to get defensive. She just answers.
"I did what I thought was best." she says quietly.
"What about what was best for the people who didn't want this?!" Amanda asks hotly. The anger in her is undeniable and it matches Faith's earlier anger. That scared them a little.
"I-I" Amanda cuts her off.
"The great Buffy Summers doesn't have the answers anymore?" Amanda taunts.
"Hey back off! Buffy's been doing this a lot longer than anybody else."Dawn steps in to defend her sister.
"And I wouldn't be doing this at all if it weren't for her. This isn't what I wanted." Amanda responds not taking her eyes off Buffy.
"And you think I did?!" defensive angry Buffy decided to make an appearance.
"So now we have to suffer with you?!" is the only response she gets.
"Look just... go back out there with the other slayers and I'll-: she doesn't get to finish that statement.
"No, I'm leaving." Amanda says.
"What?" now confused Buffy is here.
"I. am. Leaving." Amanda says slowly as if talking to a small child.
"You can't leave." Buffy says getting annoyed.
"Yes I can. Bye now." she says turning on her heal and leaving in a huff.
"Was that the same Amanda that lived with us?" Xander questions.
"Yep." Dawn replies.
"The same shy Amanda who played stupid games with Andrew?" is his next question.
"Yep." is Dawn's same reply.
"You sure?" he asks for clarification. Dawn nods her head. "Wow." he says.
"Becoming a slayer changes people." is all Buffy says before everyone is silent again.
--
At a local bus station two brunettes sit in silence.
"You're what I wanna be." Faith says out of nowhere.
"And I don't wanna be here at all." Amanda replies. They both nod.
"Where ya headed?" Faith asks. Amanda shrugs.
"Not sure. I was just going to get on the bus and sleep and wherever I wake up is where I land." she says. "You?" she questions turning her blue eyes on Faith.
"I'm not sure yet." she says with a sigh. They sit there for a few more minutes before the bus arrives. Standing up they offer each other tight smiles of luck. They face the bus and take a deep breath ready to face the world.
--
A short time later Faith and Amanda are sitting side by side as another bus passes them in the station. They turn to each other and can't help but laugh.
"We've been here for hours." Amanda says between giggles.
"Hey it was your fault we missed the first one!" Faith exclaims. Amanda shakes her head before turning serious again.
"I don't have a choice and neither do you." she starts. Faith's eyes grow dark for a moment before Amanda finishes. "But I need to be trained and you're good." she says quickly.
"You tryina ask me to train ya kid?" Faith questions. Amanda nods. "Not my gig. You need to go to Buffy for that." she says with some bitterness but not towards Buffy.
"C'mon! We could be our own little team!" Amanda tries looking at Faith with puppy dog eyes. Faith eyes her for a few minutes before sighing.
"There's somethin about cha kid. Alright. But first, I need to see Angel.: Faith says. Amanda nods and follows Faith. This time they actually leave the bus station. Faith stops just outside. "Are ya sure about this?" She asks. Amanda nods.
"Yes." she says firmly. Faith nods her head but is unsure herself. What the fuck did I just get into? She asks herself.