You guys rock so much for reviewing! This chapter deals with indirect self harm(causing harm to yourself but using someone else's body). Just thought I'd warn you, y'know, just in case.
Turning over and groaning yet again, Faith glances at the clock quickly. Two am yet again. This is the second night in a row she's woken up around slayer playtime. Last night for a completely different reason when she asked for help. Tonight, she just can't sleep. Getting up from the bed, she stretches her muscles and pops her bones. Moving over to the closet, she eyes the new wardrobe that Angel made her buy. Blue jeans, sweats, plenty of tanks and a leather jacket. Throwing on some dark blue jeans and a blank tank top, she throws on her boots and jacket before walking out of the hotel unnoticed. Roaming around, she stops outside a bar and decides to enter. It's pretty quiet and stale smoke and beer fill the air. Flopping down on a stool right at the bar, she slaps her hand down a few times.
"JD!" she tells the bar man excitedly. He smiles, winks, and moves off to pour her drink. Bringing it back, she nods her thanks and pulls out her wallet. "Just keep em comin man." she says raising her glass. He nods and makes his way over to the next customer.
"Well if it isn't the Darth Slayer herself." she hears after about four drinks. Blinking into her now empty glass, her eyes dart to the side while her head stays directly ahead. Her brows furrow when she spots blond hair. Knowing instantly that it wasn't Buffy, the hair was to short, she turned slowly to face Andrew.
"What the hell are ya doin here Andy?" she asks, barely slurring. Shrugging, the short annoying blond man takes a seat beside her.
"I've come to drown my woes in the alcohol of time." he says dramatically. Blinking at him, Faith shrugs.
"Whatever." she says and holds up her glass.
"What can I get ya ki- how old are you?" the barman asks Andrew.
"Twenty two." he says handing over his ID and ordering a beer. Spinning around to look him in the face, Faith leans a little closer towards Andrew.
"Where'd ya get a fake ID?" she whispers conspiratorially.
"Warren made them before..." he trails off swallowing his now present beer. Grimacing at the taste, he frowns at the bottle. "Ugh, this is horrible. How people ever drink this on a regular basis I will never understand." he says more to himself than anything.
--
Several drinks later, Faith is feeling more than floaty.
"Wadda ya say we da-hiccup-dance a little bit?" she asks Andrew. He turns to her and giggles before nodding.
"S-sure...we can....um...what were we doin?" he asks with a frown. Faith smiles then frowns herself.
"We were leavin." she says. Then her face brightens. "Yeah! That a musical park opened down up the streets!" she says happily leading Andrew out of the bar. Shaking his head, the bartender chuckles a little. The cool air hits them both in the face like a physical blow. Throwing his arm over her slightly taller shoulders, Andrew leans against Faith.
"Why'd ya come out tonight Faith?" he asks in a whisper.
"To get away." she responds. They stop to sit down on a bus stop bench.
"From what?" he asks, still highly intoxicated.
"From what I'm not." she whispers. She looks up at him, tears swimming in her eyes. "Have you ever hated yourself more than everybody else hates you?" she asks. He looks at her sadly for a few minutes before nodding sadly.
"Yeah...everybody thought I got on their nerves....it's nothing compared to having to live with yourself knowing everybody thinks of you as a burden." he says honestly. Guess the truth really does come out when alcohol goes in. He thinks. Nodding her head, Faith sighs.
"How drunk are ya?" she asks. Standing up stretching, Andy groans.
"About as drunk as you are. I'll go back inside and ask them to call us a cab." he says. Faith nods as Andrew staggers back inside. Standing on unsteady legs, Faith moves toward an alley. Blinking, she moves and leans against the wall.
"Faith?!" she hears. Knowing that it's only Andrew, she ducks behind a dumpster. "Faith?!" she hears getting further away as Andrew searches for her. Sitting down, she pulls her knees up to her chest and leans forward wrapping her arms around them. Resting her forehead on her forearms, she breathes in deep and tries to block the noises around her out. When she finally succeeds, her mind is flooded by nasty inner voices.
"You were never good enough to be a slayer." one taunts.
"You were always just a fuck up." another tells her. Leaning her head back against the dumpster, she closes her eyes and lets a few tears leak out.
"I'm not." she says.
"Not what? A fuck up? You know it's true. You know, you were on the right track when you asked Angel to kill you..." the voice trails off.
"You were weak then but now... now you're pathetic." a final voice taunts. Opening her now red and puffy eyes, Faith stands up and clinches her jaw. Walking on unsteady legs, she exits the back of the alley. Turning, she starts to run.
"Maybe you should do the world a favor and just...end it." a tiny voice screams. Pushing herself harder, she stops when she sees a group of people walking across the street. She stops and starts in a slow walk and she notices they all focus on her immediately. She turns to glance at them and something in her mind screams 'Vampires!' "Perfect opportunity." she mutters to herself. Making sure she's still walking slow, she crosses the street and eases pass them. Hearing one whistle, she feels her heart speed up.
"Hey there beautiful." one calls out. Turning around she sees that they are right behind her and already vamped out, she feels her heart drop. "Mind if we take ya to dinner?" the leader asks, a vampire type nasty smirk on his face. Steeling herself, she smirks.
"Don't I get flowers first boys?" she asks in an innocent voice. I don't deserve this to be quick. She thinks sadly, smile not fading.
"Sure, right this way Ms. Lady." the leader leads her to another alley. Why does LA have so many alleys's makes it the ideal place for vampires. She thinks with an internal sigh. Entering the alley with her new 'friends', she looks around.
"Where are they?" she asks as if she's clueless.
"Close your eyes and you'll see them." another says lunging for her. Moving out of the way, she picks up a trash can lid. Maybe if I annoy them, they'll draw it out....like I did Wesley. She thinks. She swings the lid and hits one in the face. Grunting behind the force, he yanks it away from her.
"You shouldn't'a did that girly." he says with a twisted smile. Throwing a punch, he catches her fist before it even gets close to his face and twists her arm around. Bringing it up behind her back roughly, he spins her and grabs her other arm. Licking her neck, he inhales deeply. "Mmm, boss, I think we need to uh....tenderize....this meal. She seems a little tough." referring to her struggling.
"I think you're right." his boss says. Stepping in front of Faith, he raises a hand to her face. Drawing his hand back, he punches her in the nose dead on. Feeling the blow and hearing the crunch of bone brought tears to Faith's eyes. I deserve this. I deserve more. She thinks. Jumping up, she kicks the vampire in the chest, using the one whose holding her as leverage. Face contorted in annoyance, the vampire punches her in the stomach twice before pulling her away from the vampire by her hair. He throws her into a wall and kicks the back of her knee bringing her down and bringing her face to collide with the wall. Pain rips through her body like a tornado through the Midwest and all she can do is close her eyes. I deserve this. Is the last thing she thinks before her world goes black.
--
Faith slowly makes her way back to consciousness sometime later but the process isn't easy. Not as easy as the last time she woke up in extreme pain. All the sounds around her are drowned, giving the impression that she is underwater. Immediately wetness gathers behind her closed eyes and her brow furrows. She takes a deep breath through her nose, but flinches when her nose flares outward. Finally, she struggles to open her eyes. After a few minutes, she finally gets them open but her vision is blurry and not only is the light painful but there's a distinct pain behind having her eyes closed for an undetermined amount of time. Trying to turn her head, she feels a stiffness in her neck and decides to just hold still for a moment. Swallowing, she notices something not right about her mouth. Bringing her arm up, she slowly feels around her face and winces when she touches her cheek but almost chokes when she feels a tube in her mouth.
"Stop messing with that!" she hears. The voice sounds louder than it probably is but she stops nonetheless. "All we need is for you to yank that out and hurt yourself so our friendly neighborhood vampire can brood even more." Cordelia she places the tone of voice. Turning her head, the blurry outline tells her she's right. Moving her mouth, she sees what she thinks is Cordelia holding up her hand. "Shh, whatever is on your mind, I'm sure I don't care. You just go back to sleep and when you wake up someone without a life will be here." Cordelia tells her. The words cut Faith, knowing that Cordelia could care less. But it's odd for her because she already knew Cordelia didn't care. But that didn't make it hurt less.
--
Jumping back into the world of the living, Faith opens her eyes, a much easier task. Blinking, the ceiling comes into focus finally and she turns her head. Her eyes land on a very angry looking Amanda.
"You're just trying to fuck things up arent you?" Amanda asks angrily. Moving her hand to her mouth, she notices the tube is gone but doesn't get a chance to reply. "When he found you...." she pauses. "You didn't even try to fight back." Amanda says finally. Flopping down in a chair, she glares something fierce at Faith. "He didn't know you weren't a slayer anymore, so he stayed out of the way. He watched you let this happen." Amanda says.
"Who?" Faith rasps after several seconds of trying to pull the words from her mind.
"Andrew. He followed you into that alley." she whispers. Closing her eyes, Faith's head rolls back to its original place. "And Angel is really reconsidering letting you train me. Although he doesn't really have a say in what happens, he just might not help us." Amanda says.
"I think you should stay with B anyway." Faith says with an almost shrug.
"So you want me to stay with the better slayer?" Amanda asks innocently.
"The only real slayer." Faith retorts.
"No, the better one. I mean, she wouldn't have let that happen to herself....even if she weren't a slayer." Amanda says matter-of-factly.
"She was never a better slayer than me." Faith says, starting to get angry.
"Well I'm just saying.... look at where you are then...where she is." Amanda throws out.
"Whatever. She's not a better slayer than I am...was...." Faith pauses.
"Well, I'm gonna go tell her I'm coming with them. Good luck with your life." Amanda says cheerily.
"Wait!" Faith exclaims. Amanda looks at her with an expressionless face. "You really... would you really still trust me?" she asks a little fearfully. Amanda shrugs.
"You've never really given me a reason not too. It would be unfair to not trust you because everybody says I shouldn't I mean..... I wasn't there." she says.
"But I never really gave you a reason to trust me either." Faith whispers. Amanda shrugs and nods.
"True, but you can." she says before leaving the room and Faith to her thoughts. Closing her eyes, she lets a few tears escape. How the fuck can she even care after what I've done? She asks herself.