Not my best, not my worst. But hey, I've gotten over my writers' block. Enjoy?
The Waking
The dreams haunt me. I'm not asleep by any means. I'm just in agony, immobilized, and trapped in a world of endless illusions. How many times do I feel myself ripped apart? Do I witness Edward's death? Am I burned and broken? It seems to be endless. All the while, I'm in absolute agony from the burning. As soon as one horror ends and I think I'm finally awake, I'm returned to the worlds of nightmares. I try desperately to wake up. Finally, I'm screaming, crying out desperately, hoping that someone will hear me. Hoping that someone will care. Hoping that someone will drag me out of this endless oblivion.
When I finally awaken, I'm still lying next to Edward. I open my eyes to the water and blink. Cautiously, I run my hand over my wrist, my legs, my neck, my stomach. I don't feel any pain. After what feels like an eternity of utter agony, relief feels like a sea of bliss. I haul myself onto the land, and it feels like being born again. My muscles don't quake, not like they used to. I test my legs by trying to stand. When I don't fall over in pain, I start to believe that I might be awake. I haven't been trampled by anything, I haven't been burned, no one has died. I might be awake.
I'm gasping for air, although I don't know why. I know I don't need air, but the choking sounds are still coming from my chest. I catch the scent of the water, I inhale the musty smell of dust. The promising aroma of prey is on the horizon, and the horrific odor of the beasts is all but gone. For some reason, the act of breathing makes me feel alive again. It convinces me that the pain is gone, it's gone, it's gone.
Thinking about the burning in my body makes me wince and quiver again. Suddenly I'm shaking too hard to stand. I'm so relieved and so traumatized. I don't think I can stand. I'm alone, and every gust of wind makes me jump. I don't know how to not be terrified of the sounds I hear. Even the coming of the sun, just now peaking above the mountains, makes me so afraid. So I just sit there, doubled over and sobbing, gulping down air as fast as I can, and then just rocking: back and forth, back and forth. The steady rhythm feels like a heartbeat. It's a constant, something that I can control. It won't change, it won't turn on me, it won't cause me pain. It convinces me that I'm safe, slowly but surely.
Back, forth, back, forth, back, forth. Good and safe. Finally I stop rocking and holding my head in my hands. I just breathe, just stay still. In, out, in, out, in out. The rhythm is steady, and it steadies me.
Once I'm convinced that the pain is gone, I find Edward, still trapped in the illusions, under the water. The red, oozing liquid is gone, but some of the tears in his skin are left behind. I think it's safe, so I pull him onto the shore and beg him to wake up. It's been a long time since I've spoken, a long time since I've moved, and the words feel strange on my tongue.
The sun crawls in the sky. Another day, gone in just a few hours. Just like that. I haven't done anything today, just recovered from trauma that shouldn't have hurt me like it did. I was just in pain. Agony. Being boiled in acid. It wasn't a big deal. But it feels like one. I don't trust the world to be real. In, out, in, out, in, out. I stare at the sky, at the sun, my new eyes less hurt by the light. I clutch one of Edward's hands and watch the day fade away from me.
I can't bring myself to hunt. In most of my nightmares, Edward died some sort of painful death. I can't let that happen to him, not after the illusions of what could come to pass. I shudder at the memories and start to shake at the thought of pain. Is that what it feels like to become a vampire? Without the morphling to keep you euphoric? Is that what it feels like for Jane to burn you with her mind? I just sit still, telling myself that everything will be alright when Edward wakes up.
I finally begin to relax when I hear the snap of a twig behind me. I inhale. Someone's behind me. My hunter's senses spring into action. I whirl around and spot the tip of a small boot behind a tree. I sigh. It must be the littlest Tribute, Rue. She didn't make much of an impression on me, but I always felt sorry for her. If she were to make it out of this alive, she would be twelve for the rest of her life. That can't be legal. I know of the immortal children. It shouldn't be legal. But she's proven that she can control herself— more than once— so I guess it wouldn't matter to the Volturi, if they were still in power.
But they are still in power, says a little voice at the back of my head.
"Rue?" I call out. For a moment, there's no response. "I won't hurt you, I promise." How could I? How could anyone? She's so small, so innocent looking.
She edges around the trunk. "You want me for an ally?" she asks.
I shrug.
"Why not? Neither of us has a chance of winning, not compared to the rest, and I'm not going to hurt you. And you've obviously been watching for awhile. I didn't even notice you." Never mind the fact that someone could have snapped my neck and I wouldn't have raised a finger.
"Well," she says, tentatively slipping out in the out into the open. "I know what's wrong with him. I can make him wake up."
"Can you?" I almost beg. "How?"
She digs into the pack she carries and pulls out a handful of leaves. I'm doubtful that those can help. "Those animals?" she starts.
I nod.
"We have them back in District 11." They let those wander around a District?! "The Capitol made them back during the Dark Days and never bothered to get rid of them. But they aren't as strong or fast as the ones here. Their venom works the same way, though."
"How do you know?" I ask slowly, though I think I know the answer.
"One of them bit me, too. It wasn't the first time, either. But these leaves, well, we use them on stings. It didn't work as well as it would have if I was human, but it made the hallucinations and pain stop." She shudders.
"Did you see what happened to Cato?" I demand, then realize that I was too forceful. "And... the other Careers."
"They got away, but they're probably still dreaming. Not for long, though."
"How long have I been out? How many nights did I miss?" I ask.
"Three. It's been three days," she says. "The girl from District 1 and the boy and girl from District 4 are dead. The girl and boy from 3. The girl from 9... oh, and the boy from 5." She pauses. "We should help Edward," she finishes.
Without much hesitation, she crumples a leaf in the brook. "Normally I would chew it," Rue says. "But the venom makes it worse. I tried it." I nod.
She wads it up and hands it to me. I press the little clump into the wound in Edward's shoulder. He makes his first movement of the day. He sighs. She does the same with the other leaves, and I press it into the injuries. There are just too many, it starts to seem. Why didn't I help him? I wonder. Back in the forest. He wouldn't have been as badly hurt if I had helped. But, eventually, I've put the substance in all of the wounds and I'm wondering why he isn't awake.
"He'll be awake in a few minutes," says Rue. I don't know how to respond, really. This is a complete stranger who has helped me so much.
"Thank you, Rue," I reply, not really knowing how else to respond. There's silence for a few moments, and I start to wonder if our alliance is going to be filled with nothing but awkwardness.
"So..." she begins. "Did you get anything back at the Cornucopia?" she questions.
"A backpack," I say. "But I lost it back in the forest. Did you get anything?"
"Just this box." It's a small, wooden thing that she has hidden in her jacket. Barely big enough to fit an apple. But it's special, too. There's a metal plate on the front. A little engraved sign I recognize as the treble clef. "I like music," she says with a smile.
I half-laugh. "So do I." My lullaby starts to play in my head. I think that might have been the moment when I realized just how in love with Edward I was. That simple melody eventually doomed me to Panem. I like music too much.
"We have mockingjays, back in District 11. Do you have them in your District?" she asks.
"Yeah," I say stupidly, and I feel like I have to say more. "Sometimes Edward would sing. He would sing to himself. So low I couldn't hear it. But the mockingjays—"
"Have amazing hearing," Rue finishes with a grin that I can't help but return.
"And then they would repeat whatever I couldn't hear so loudly that the whole District can hear it," I conclude. Back in the meadow, our meadow, Edward had sang something that I couldn't hear — a beautiful melody that should belong to gods. He would always hum it to himself, but never loud enough for me to hear. He was embarrassed, apparently. In District 12, the mockingjays could repeat it. The overlapping tones sounded unearthly. The song outmatched him in beauty.
"What are your powers?" Rue asks suddenly.
I don't even know where to start with my power. "Well, Edward's telepathic."
Rue's eyes widen. "He's telepathic? He can read my thoughts?" she asks. I hadn't thought of that. Can he read her mind, even through all of the pain?
"Yeah."
"Can he send messages?" she asks.
I shake my head.
"That's Thresh's power. He can do it from a distance, but it's exhausting and it has to be someone that he really knows," she says. "And I... well, I can..." she stops. "It's complicated," she replies.
"We have a lot of time," I say.
"I know people's intentions. Almost like telling the future. If they're about to attack me, I know what they're going to do. I know if someone's going to hurt me or not... and you're a shield, aren't you?" she asks, and I'm taken aback.
"How do you know?" I ask.
"So you are a shield."
"How do you know?" I repeat.
"Because I couldn't tell. I can tell if someone is dangerous. But it didn't work on you," says Rue.
"Edward can't hear me," I say. "You can't read me, either."
She shakes her head. Ruefully. "That's the first time it happened. Do you think there's anyone else?"
I bite back a grin. I'm not supposed to have known anything about vampires until after I was changed. "I don't know," I lie, and it feels like betrayal to this little wisp of a girl who I've known for all of ten minutes. But it's for the cameras, so I don't feel too guilty.
"I hope not. Gifts aren't supposed to fail," she says.
"They aren't?" I ask.
"Not unless there's a shield."
"Couldn't you break through my shield? With practice?"
She laughs out loud. "Of course not! Opposite gifts cancel each other out!" She seems to regret it as soon as she said it.
But Edward read my mind. Only for a few seconds. But he did break through. Is something wrong with me?
Ugh. I'm an all-powerful creature of the night that never sleeps, drinks blood, sits with my mouth open, and sparkles in the sunlight. And I'm worried that something might be wrong with me.
I jump at the seal of the Capitol in the sky, but not as much as I would have a few hours ago. During the anthem, I see my chance to ask a question. No one will be able to hear us talking. "Rue, how do you know so much about vampires?" I ask.
She sighs. "There was a coven of them living in District 11. The Capitol eventually caught them and executed them," she says.
"How can the Capitol kill vampires, anyways?" She points back to the forest and I nod. "Who were they?" I ask.
"Carmen, Eleazar, Irina, and I think someone named Kate. Oh, and Tanya."
Something inside me feels hollow. I know those names. The Denali coven, all gone. I never really knew them, but it makes my world feel just a bit smaller. I had always seen it as though the Cullens were the only part of my family that I had to worry about. Now that I know my cousins are gone, and that we don't have anyone to look to for help, it just... hurts. If I include the Denalis, there were thirteen of us originally.
Now there are seven, soon to be five.
I finally respond to Rue.
"You knew them?" I ask.
She nods. "Carmen saved my life once. It was all when I was little—"
The sky goes dark and I know we can't talk anymore. Or at least not about things we don't want the Capitol to hear. I need my sponsors, and I don't want to anger whoever controls the fireballs and the Mutts.
"So what's the plan for tomorrow?" she asks, covering for us.
"Assuming Edward wakes up, we're going after the Careers."
She gives a small gasp. "Bella, there are..." she pauses. "Three of them."
"And there are three of us," I say, then grin at her. She rolls her eyes.
"Like we'd have any chance against them," she sighs.
"They got the worst of the animals, and they don't have those leaves. How long do you think they'll be out?"
"Only a few more hours later than Edward, if they're not awake by now," Rue replies.
"We could probably get to them now..."
"And if they're already awake?"
"We don't stand a chance anyways."
"Ugh, you keep saying that. And you say it like it doesn't even matter."
"You know what? To me it really doesn't. I've been close to death before, this isn't any different."
"Bella, we've all faced starvation."
"People have tried to kill me. Many times."
Rue's gaze falls to the ground, and when she looks back up at me I almost think she's going to cry. "I think the Capitol is already trying to kill us," she admits.
I nod. "They just want to be entertained at the same time." I could probably could be blown up any second now for saying something like this. I know for certain that the cameras have cut away from us by now.
"I don't want to die, Bella,'' she says.
"We'll be fine," I say. I feel stupid, but she's twelve!
She shakes her head.
"Do you know where the Careers are?" I ask, changing the subject.
"I think they're on the other side of the Cornucopia."
"Have you been spying on them?"
"A little..."
"Do you know where anyone else is?"
"We're the only ones who made it through the jungle, I think. We should be safe for now."
"Do the Mutts come back out at night?"
"Only when Tributes try to get past the forest. And they aren't nocturnal. They'll attack you in the day, too. We might be trapped."
"We'll have to go around."
She shakes her head. "I've been trying. I think it must go all the way around the arena."
"So we'll have to go through."
She shrugs. "We could just wait. Maybe everyone will try to make it through the forest. Then we'll be the only ones left."
"Right." I resist the urge to roll my eyes or laugh. Rue does the latter.
"We'll have to go through the forest. But we'll have to plan everything. Down to the last second."
"Were you injured, Rue?"
"The wolf-things never got me. But yes."
"And we were all hurt. So we have to figure out what went wrong last time."
Rue turns her head to the side to think for a minute. "We waited for them to attack." She pauses. "And then the Careers provoked them."
"And we weren't working together."
"And we won't make that mistake next time," says Edward, and I jump. He doesn't seem as dazed as I was, but then again he's probably been listening to our conversation for the past several minutes.
I can't help myself when I fling my arms over his neck. He catches me, but not with as much strength as I'd like. I help him to his feet and pull away slightly.
"How long have you been awake?" I ask. He smiles, but it never reaches his eyes. The hint of sadness is enough to tell me he's smiling for the cameras.
"It was during the anthem."
He knows. I change the subject. "Do you have any ideas on overcoming the Careers?"
He looks up at the sky and gives the camera some time to focus on him. He does his best impression of Haymitch, and says, "Stay alive." I have to laugh at that. It feels good to not be so... alone.
I won't lie. I'm a little shocked when Edward relaxes and brushes a lock of hair behind my ear. Weren't we just talking about our dead friends and killing people?
Then I remember that we're the star crossed lovers from District 12 and that every camera is probably trained on us. We could die at any second and we're being watched by every citizen in the country and I'm not exactly in the mood for romance. But if I recall, one of the happiest moments of my life was reuniting under the clock tower and in the midst of fatal sunlight. It was strange, for in that instant I knew we were both in mortal danger, yet I had never felt more complete.
Not now. We both almost died, we're halfway out of the dark, and yet his touch feels alien.
I'm shocked when he pulls me into a kiss. I don't react at first, I'm frozen in place, unable to move. But we're supposed to be the star-crossed lovers from District 12. It feels wrong, it's meant to be private, not something exposed to the whole of Panem. I close my eyes and try to lose myself in the moment. It's impossible, I'm too nervous, too embarrassed. The Capitol doesn't deserve to know that I love him. My panicked breath alerts him of my fear, so he makes an excuse and turns away.
Edward pulls away and turns to Rue.
"Sorry." Just like we forgot that we were in front of a twelve-year-old and didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. She smiles and nods.
"So all of that is true then."
I manage an awkward laugh and her beam widens. Edward decides to play the role for the audience and turns his head to the side, wearing an almost dreamy look. "Would either of you ladies care for a drink?" he asks, and I laugh again. He takes my arm to escort me... wherever we're going.
None of us want to go into the jungle to hunt. That would be idiotic, and it's unspoken that we'll go in the other direction until we find something. That something turns out to be several jaguars and a gorilla. Edward takes the gorilla, but I'm uncomfortable with something so, well, human.
"Have you ever hunted a gorilla before, Edward?" I ask when it's over.
"Once."
"As in, once before now or just once?"
"Once," he repeats. "What'd you think of the jaguar? I've never had one of those, either."
"Jaguar tastes like orange peels," I state simply.
"Really?" he asks in disbelief.
"No, of course not," I laugh. It tastes more like dust-flavored spray-paint mixed with a few meatballs. "But it is better than a mountain lion," I admit. "And a thousand times better than rabbit." I actually had rabbit once when I was human, I think. I don't remember where, but I do know that I absolutely hated it.
"You drank a rabbit?"
"I'm not the one who occasionally catches birds and field-mice."
Rue stares at me like I'm either lying, joking, or crazy. "You were a vampire before the Games, weren't you?"
Great. We're probably on TV right now. I don't need the Capitol to know this. Edward nods slowly.
"I was around before Panem," he admits.
Rue gasps. "What was it like?"
He pauses for a moment, and I know that this is the time for propaganda. If he says one word against the Capitol, we'll be hit by a fireball in a matter of seconds. "Nothing like Panem. Medicine wasn't distributed as well, people argued over silly things like the government, and, worst of all, not everyone was loyal. There were some hints of rebellion in some areas. I'm sure we would have been back in the dark if it weren't for the Capitol. The war was..." he shakes his head as if he's at a loss for words. "We owe it to them. Twenty-four children is a small price to pay."
Our District probably hates him now, but the sponsors, the ones who are actually going to matter, have fallen completely in love. I can see Effie's beam and Haymitch's scowl and approval through the cameras. Rue looks slightly disappointed, and I'm only worried that they'll firebomb us for breaking the law. But then, who can blame us? Hasn't he just praised the "great and almighty" Capitol? We'd be dead by now if they wanted us that way. And I'm starting to suspect that the Capitol knew what my family was from the very beginning.
A few seconds later, Rue bites back a laugh. She knows exactly what we're doing. "Except when we're one of the twenty-four," she breathes. Edward just nods, and I don't think there's anything else to be said.
"So what are we going to do about the Careers?" I finally ask as we retreat to our makeshift camp. The three of us glance at each other.
"Now that," says Edward. "Is a good question."
And... that's it. I'll update sooner or later.
Review?
~Midwinter Sun