She doesn't like the idea of him being gone, whether it's just across the river, across the country, or even across an ocean. She doesn't like it one bit.
Sure, she's known about it for weeks-even anticipated it as part of his job-but that doesn't mean she likes the thought of him not being by her side for a whole month. He annoys her to no end at times, but mostly he's a calming presence. Though she doesn't deny that she's still taken aback by her feelings from time to time.
This wasn't supposed to happen. She wasn't supposed to enjoy having him around so much, find herself laughing at his jokes, and dismissing his character flaws as reasons why she loves him. It's those moments when they're out with their family that it hits her the most, and she wonders if the others see what she's really making no effort to hide-that she can no longer see a future that doesn't include him standing next to her.
She's lost count of the number of times she has wished she could see inside his head and know what he's thinking, especially when her hand lingers on his thigh in an effort to calm him down or her head rests on his shoulder a fraction too long when she leans in to whisper to him during a movie. She wants to know if he knows what she's trying to tell him, but can't find the words to say. The thought of losing the part of them that has become so vital to her existence is almost unbearable to even consider.
He mentions it almost every day now, the fact that he's leaving for a month. She's found many ways to express her displeasure-her favorite is still the day she growled and he looked terrified of what she might do if he mentioned it again-but she can't work out if he realizes that her annoyance is because she's going to miss him, as opposed to just being jealous that he's getting away and going on a trip, work-related or not.
The feelings of desperation start to flare when she realizes they've started what will be their final case before he leaves on his book tour. He leaves on Sunday afternoon, and a Wednesday morning body drop almost certainly guarantees this will be the last section of time she will spend with him for the next thirty days.
She couldn't get back to sleep this morning when she woke at three and kept thinking about his impending departure, so she was relieved when her phone buzzed and she had somewhere else to focus her thoughts. The guilt she feels for enjoying the act of texting him to tell him a murder has been committed is fleeting. She types out the address quickly before throwing her phone on the bed and jumping in the shower.
When he meets her at the crime scene an hour later, coffee in hand, she tries to hide her excitement. He smiles and hands her the travel cup, his customary "Good morning, Detective," sounding like music to her ears.
Her reply is on her lips when Esposito interrupts her. "Hey, Castle. Aren't you supposed to be preparing for that big month-long book tour?"
"Ah, Esposito, why do you ask? Trying to get rid of me, or are you going to miss me?"
"Bro, I'm not even going to answer that. I'm simply curious. You've been talking about this trip for weeks now."
Kate watches their exchange with amusement, while silently hoping Castle knows that at least one person at the precinct is going to miss him while he's gone. For as close as they've gotten this year, as much as she's tried to get to a place where she can be better for him, the small changes in their relationship aren't something they talk about in plain English. Unfortunately, they both speak the language of subtext. And the problem with subtext is that nothing is ever spoken clearly, leaving Kate to wonder exactly where she stands with Castle.
"Come on, boys," she says, falling back into her professionalism to hide her insecurity over the situation. "We've got a murder to solve." She stalks off, not waiting to see how Castle reacts to her comment. Even as she walks toward Lanie and their current victim, she realizes her reaction was not the kind of message she wants to send right now, whether they're working or not.
When she puts her cruiser into gear and they begin their journey back to the precinct from the crime scene, she's still struggling to get her emotions under control. Castle makes an effort not to stare for about five blocks, before he finally turns slightly in the passenger seat and looks at her intently.
"Someone woke up on the wrong side of a dispatch call this morning."
Kate chuckles briefly at his sad attempt to rewrite a cliche, but quickly gets serious again. "I'd already been awake for two hours when the call came in," she clarifies.
"Everything okay?"
She hesitates, sure that now is not the time to lay all her feelings and worries on him. She sighs heavily as the options of how much she should tell him right now run through her mind. "Just have a lot on my mind, Castle."
He doesn't take the bait, and she thinks that it has to be a first. They remain silent until they get back to the precinct, and when he finally speaks up, a look that she interprets as concern is etched on his face. "Anything you need to vent about? I'm here if that's the case."
Kate pushes the button for the elevator and then turns to him. "I know. And I appreciate it. I need to focus on the case right now, but maybe we can go get a drink or something when it's over?"
"Yeah," he tells her softly as the elevator arrives to take them up to the fourth floor from the parking garage.
She doesn't get much help from him throughout the morning. His phone rings what seems to be every five minutes, people from Black Pawn calling to finalize details of his book tour. When it happens for the fourth time, she's had enough.
"You know, Castle, if you have other things to do…"
He holds his thumb over the answer button, but doesn't push it. "I swear, I don't know why they keep calling. It's not like it's the first time they've sent me on a book tour."
The phone continues to ring, and she tosses the dry erase marker in the air-the theory they were so close to completing now gone from her mind. "Answer it, already," she tells him through a sigh, her body falling into her desk chair to check some of the CSU reports.
He answers the phone, but doesn't leave like the other times. He sounds annoyed as well, and when she looks up from the reports to watch him for a second, she can see just how bothered he is by the incessant calling.
"Damn it, Gina. I don't leave for another four days. Make a list and e-mail it to me when you're done," he says into the phone. He stops talking, presumably to listen to Gina's reply, and he mouths an I'm sorry to Kate. "What does it matter if I'm at the precinct?"
He leaves at that point, going into the lounge like the previous times he's been interrupted this morning.
She's made her way back to the board by the time he returns five minutes later, though her thoughts are still on Castle instead of their victim, like they should be. God knows she tries to ignore him when he stands right next to her and looks at the board with her, but it's no good.
She feels horrible. The victim is the one who deserves all her attention right now.
"Listen, Beckett, I…"
"Have to go. I understand." She does her best not to appear hurt, even going so far as to walk up to the board and act like she's doing some kind of meaningful maneuvering of pictures and evidence, though everything ends up back in its original spot when she's done.
And damn it, Castle notices.
"Done now? Actually, I was going to apologize for all the interruptions. These book tours aren't usually this unnerving, but Gina tells me, Nikki Heat is quite the sensation in England, so they're trying to book me for some additional events while I'm there."
"I see."
"I mean, I don't mind doing them since I'm going to be there anyway, but there's all kinds of legal paperwork that has to be filled out, I guess, and they just aren't sure if they can get all the terms settled in time."
"Sounds like a handful."
Kate wants to scream at this point, frustrated that he's again throwing his being gone in her face, not knowing to what degree it's affecting her state of mind. But she knows she's to blame, since she can't find the words to tell him just how much she doesn't want him to go in the first place. So instead, she settles for short sentences that make it sound as if she's not even interested in what he's saying, hoping that he'll get the point sooner rather than later and drop the subject altogether.
"Yeah, so I just have to go over to the office and sign a few papers-"
"Does that mean we can stop talking about the damn book tour?"
"I...uh, well, yeah. We can do that, once I get back. It shouldn't take very long. Gina said she'd have everything ready by the time I got there."
"Isn't that nice of her?"
"What the hell is wrong with you today?" Castle says as he steps between her and the murder board. "This have anything to do with all that stuff you have on your mind?"
She takes a moment to breathe before answering. "Yeah, I'm sorry. Just stressed."
"So...I thought I would stop and pick up some lunch on the way back. Can you talk to the boys and text me what they want?" She nods, not trusting her voice, and he grabs his jacket from the back of his chair. "When I get back, this case has my full attention. That's a promise."
Once he's gone, she puts the marker down as calmly as she can and walks to the bathroom, just because it gives her something to do. She needs some space and some time to think.
And, her heart traitorously tells her, she needs to be the one who has Castle's full attention.
Much love to Kylie and Anna for reading and editing this. I have two more chapters already completed, but the idea is to stay ahead of the game, so look for another chapter in the next few days.