Previously:
"You said he was a good distraction for a while. When was it not good enough anymore?"
The answer comes to her immediately, but she can't find the right way to say the words to him. Truthfully, it's not one event but a combination of events. And if the evening hasn't been enlightening already, it certainly will be when she tells him this.
"You kissed me. And then we got locked in that storage container." She waits, watches his reaction for clues, and finds it safe to continue. "Those two things were distracting in themselves, but it took you pointing out that we never talked about it to really mess with me."
"Which means what, exactly?"
Castle grins at her, that devious smile he usually flashes when he wants her to admit to something. And because her admitting things is what this whole evening is about, she decides to shove her embarrassment aside and tell him what he wants to hear.
"Okay, Castle. Let's talk about that kiss."
"I'm all ears."
Kate looks down, their hands so close but not quite touching, and she does her best to put herself back in that moment. A maelstrom of emotions take over, but it's one specific memory from that night that brings her eyes back to his.
"That night, in the ambulance after we took Lockwood into custody? I saw you there, getting your hand wrapped by the EMT, and I couldn't decide if I wanted to slap you or kiss you again."
"You did neither of those things." His voice is soft, almost a whisper, almost as if he's seeing that moment from a whole new perspective.
"I didn't. I decided to ignore both of those impulses in favor of gratitude for saving my life." She pauses, sees the slight disappointment on his face, and continues. "I...still wasn't completely convinced, Castle. I understood the attraction, the chemistry. But I needed to know if it was more than that."
"Kate, you-"
"Hush," she tells him, her finger impulsively covering his mouth. She loses her focus for a moment, gets caught up in the fullness of his lips and the memory of the way they feel on her own. And suddenly, she doesn't want to rehash all their missed opportunities anymore. But Castle needs the story, she knows, so she moves forward for his benefit. "It was bad timing, okay? And the fact of the matter was I enjoyed it. More than I should have, considering I was still with Josh and he was out of the country at the time."
He nods as if in agreement, and Kate decides she wants to move on from that kiss, even though the memory is one that still haunts her dreams from time to time.
"The freezer." She says the words and shivers, as she does every time she thinks about it. She stands up, needing the distance from him for this. "I need to give you some context regarding Josh when it comes to that case."
Castle says nothing, but nods his understanding. She hates that she's putting him through all this, but she honestly thinks it will be better for them in the long run that she shares everything she's held back from him over the last four years. And these are the big moments he's specifically asked about, so she owes him this.
"You saw my...uh, difference of opinion with Josh in the precinct at the beginning of that case. What it comes down to is that he found my mom's murder board in my apartment. We argued about it, mostly because he realized that you knew about it and he didn't. I was willing to talk to him about it, but we caught that case. When he showed up at the precinct, he was telling me that he was going on a mission to Haiti. He thought we needed some space."
"So when you made those comments when we were quarantined?"
"I was under the impression that Josh was on a plane to Haiti, that he'd beaten me at my own game."
"One foot out the door…" he replies, reciting her own words back to her.
"It felt like he was just looking for a reason to leave. I know that wasn't the situation, but that's what it felt like at the time."
"Kate," he says, leaning forward on the couch and it makes her stop her pacing. He doesn't say anything else, just appears to silently shows his support of her, and his gaze keeps her from delving deeper into that feeling of self-loathing that she wasn't enough to keep Josh here. He did come back, after all, even though she knew their relationship would never work.
"You were the one who was there for me. And if I was going to die that way, I'm glad you were the one next to me and keeping me warm for as long as possible."
"The feeling's mutual, Beckett."
She smiles warmly, knowing that he's absolutely speaking the truth. "I wasn't sure how to deal with him showing up, Castle. I thought we were done, that I could walk out the door without looking back. But he came back, and once the case was over he came to the precinct to pick me up and we went back to my place and I explained my mom's case to him."
"Yeah, I remember." His voice is strained, and she can see in his expression that he's holding something back.
"What?"
"Now that I know all this, I understand how you must have felt when I went to the Hamptons with Gina."
Kate walks over to his desk, leans against the end, and watches him intently from just a few feet away on the couch. "How so?"
"I was about to do the same thing after that case. But I saw Josh coming, and I knew what your answer would be."
"Castle…" she breathes, not sure how to handle knowing that he had planned for that night - after they saved the city from the dirty bomb - to go very differently.
And then he stands suddenly and walking over to her, his fingers brush down her arm as he makes eye contact. "Listen, you did the right thing at the time. I shouldn't have expected you to forget about Josh that easily. He saved me from making a fool of myself."
The truth she sees in his eyes causes her to break away, needing a moment to compose herself. But before she can think of anything to say in response, he's taking her hands in his and leads her over to the couch.
"Do you mind," he tells her as he leads her to his previous seat, "if I take up the timeline for a few minutes? I think I can fill in a few blanks here."
She nods with a smile, fully expecting him to take the seat next to her. But then he's walking away from her and mimicking her habit of pacing.
"I tried to get Montgomery to take you off the case once Lockwood escaped." She doesn't miss the fact that his back is turned to her as he makes the confession, and she wonders if he's afraid of what he might see if he was looking at her. "But he turned it around on me, Kate. He told me the story of how you met - catching you in the archives - and that he's never been able to make you stand down, that you've always found a way. He thought I was the only one who could convince you. Of course," he pauses, looks to her briefly and runs his hand through his hair, "this was the morning after your dad came to see me in an effort to get me to do the same thing."
"My dad came to see you?" She's surprised, to say the least. In the three months they'd spent together while she recovered from her shooting, her father never once mentioned that he'd met Castle before the day of Montgomery's funeral, let alone that he'd tried to get Castle to talk her into walking away from the investigation.
"He came to the loft." Castle nods and finally turns to face her. He looks more confident than he did just a few minutes ago, and she feels the butterflies in her stomach, wants to get past all this rehashing, past all the ways they've hurt each other over the last couple years.
"That night," she says as she stands and walks over to him, gets as close to him as she can without actually touching, "you were right about everything, but you held something back."
"So many things, yeah. But you told me I wasn't enough. And we were both angry."
"Don't forget frustrated. Do you know how maddening it was to hear you say all those things about me hiding?"
"Like I said, we were angry. And I distinctly remember you telling me that we were over."
"And yet you keep showing up. Why is that?" She knows the answer already, heard him profess it in the cemetery after she was shot. Really, she should own up to the truth, but there's still a small piece of her that worries he only said those words because he thought she was dying.
"I'm responsible." He reaches down and takes his hand in hers, squeezes tight and draws her body to his so there is no space between them. "If it weren't for my meddling, none of this would have happened. You wouldn't have been shot, Montgomery would still be alive…"
With their bodies so close and the regret she hears in his voice, she can't resist laying her head on his chest. She frees one of her hands and brings it up to brush against the side of his face while she closes her eyes and braces herself for the big confession she's about to make.
"You tried to save me." She waits a beat, but continues once she feels his hand on her waist, holding her to him. "...in the cemetery. You tried to push me out of the way."
Kate feels him suck in a breath and go stiff, the weight of her words registering with him. "Kate?"
"I was giving the eulogy," she continues, pushing on despite the fear she feels. "It was sunny, and I remember sharing a glance with you, trying to tell you how appreciative I was that you were there. Next thing I know, you're calling my name and pushing me to the ground. Somewhere in there was the piercing feeling in my chest."
"I wasn't fast enough."
"But you were there, Castle. And what you said…"
"I…"
"Yeah," she says, her head leaves his chest so she can look him in the eye, "that. Did you mean it?"
"Yeah, I did. Still do. God, Kate, so much."
She doesn't realize she's crying until he brushes his thumb across her cheek, wiping the tear away gently. She feels a huge weight disappearing from her chest, the question she's been asking herself since last May, since she woke up with the memory of those last few seconds before she lost consciousness. Her forehead rests on his chest once again, her apologies flowing out of her in broken sentences now that she knows the truth. "Sorry, so sorry, Castle. Sorry I lied about remembering. Love you, too. More than I thought possible."
Thanks again to K for all her help and pom poms. Also, thank you to everyone who continues to read and review this story.
My hope is to at least finish writing this by mid-August. I leave for vacation tomorrow, then return to moving and starting school. I can't guarantee that will be the case, but I'll make a genuine effort.