The drive was silent and cold.
Natasha could tell that Maria was trying to keep herself calm. The check-up and psych debrief were routine but no one liked them. Maria had been present at many check-ups and had her fair share of debriefs but this was different. She had been targeted and tortured for a month, and Meyer loved to explore every possible option before clearing an agent. She would be no exception.
Natasha reached over the console for Maria's hand, waiting for her passenger to take it. Without hesitation their fingers were linked immediately and she drove single-handed all the way back to the hospital.
Pillicker was more casual than Meyer would be. Maria tried her best to remain calm but she knew her façade was cracking. Natasha offered her a smile and a wink unnoticed by the doctor when she stepped out to give her privacy. Maria hadn't shown Natasha any of her injuries with the exception of her back and her hands.
"Everything looks good," he said, as Natasha entered the room. "Blood pressure is a little low, but that can be attributed to the lack of food you had access as well as the trauma you faced, not to mention the small portions you're eating now that you're home. Bruises are fading, and the burns are looking a lot better than what they were. You shoulder looks alright. Have you been sleeping on it?"
"No, it gets numb so I've tried to avoid it as much as I can," Maria muttered.
Being in the hospital again was reminding her of everything she went through, and the idea of having to actively discuss it with a psychiatrist was terrifying her. Natasha could see the pain on her face beginning to show through. Pillicker finished up easily enough and left with a suggestion of increasing her diet slowly to three meals a day, and that he wanted her back in a week.
Natasha thanked him and the moment he was gone, she shut the curtain around the bed and turned to Maria. "What's wrong?"
"I can't breathe properly," she said through shaky breaths. Maria had waited until the doctor had left, meaning that she didn't want him to see her like this. She trusted Natasha.
"You're having a panic attack," she said, sitting on the bed.
"What are you doing?" Maria asked, as a hand snaked up the front of her top to rest just below her sternum.
"I'm calming you down. I want you to focus on pushing my hand out and pulling it in with your breaths okay?" Maria nodded and let herself lean into Natasha as she pushed the hand in and out. Her other hand was rubbing her back soothingly. "You're okay, just breathe."
It was a few minutes before her breathing settled entirely. "Sorry," she said, reluctantly removing herself from against Natasha.
"Don't apologise. Never apologise for that," Natasha replied, as honestly as she had told Maria to never be ashamed. "Do you know what triggered it?"
"Meyer. I don't want to go," she whispered tearfully. "Please don't make me go."
Natasha almost went wide eyed at the idea that the woman next to her was desperately pleading her not to take her to a psych debrief appointment. There was a hand clenching at her jacket and refusing to let go. Every time before she was taken, Natasha had always witnessed the strength of this woman, who could run half a dozen operations, argue with Fury and threaten a junior agent with death if he broke something on the helicarrier all at once. She could fight and shoot as well as any specialist and could win political debates. Maria Hill was a force to be reckoned with.
But now, Maria Hill was broken.
"Please don't make me go. I can't. Not yet. Please, Tasha."
Natasha's heart broke and she was torn. Maria needed to see Meyer, but at the same time she wanted to take the brunette home and let her sleep it off. Wait and try again later.
"Maria, look at me," Natasha said, as the guilt set in and she hated herself. "You have to go."
"I can't play that over in my head again, please."
"What if I come in with you? I can keep you grounded while you talk to him," Natasha suggested. She was bent at the hip and eye level with Maria, who still hadn't let go of her jacket.
"I don't want you to hear what they did to me," she hiccupped.
"You have nothing to be ashamed of, okay?" Natasha just wanted her to understand. "You are strong. I don't think any less of you after what you have gone through. You're still amazing."
"You think I'm amazing?" Natasha chuckled at the question
"I think you're a lot of things." The red head swept a few stray hairs from Maria's face, and brushed away a few of the tears.
"Please."
"You have to go," she repeated and she saw Maria slump, "but," and her head snapped up, "maybe I can reschedule it. You're in no state to be in a room with Meyer at the moment."
"Really?" Maria looked so hopeful.
"Yes. Fury left you in my hands. I'm making the call."
"Thank you," came as a whisper, before she leaned forward and hugged Natasha.
For a moment she didn't know what to do. She had never been very good at the comforting the friend thing but rubbed her back once the initial shock wore off.
"That's okay," she cupped Maria's face, and her hand was leant into. "Let's get you home. I think you need a grilled cheese sandwich and a nap."
She had witnessed one of the strongest women she knows have a break down.
'What did they do to you?' Natasha thought as she directed the woman towards the elevators with her hand against the small of her back.