It was almost an hour before Natasha saw any sign of Maria.
She kept telling herself that she would give the woman five more minutes, before she went to look for her. When the five minutes was up, she decided for another five minute wait. Natasha had a control over the way her fears could intimidate her, except when it came to the brunette upstairs. She was scared to seek the woman out yet at the same time, scared not to.
Another five minutes had passed before she cursed herself in Russian and almost bound up the stairs, two at a time.
"Maria?" she called out softly into the brunette's bedroom.
As she entered the room, she saw her sitting on the edge of the bed with her back to the door, wearing only sweat pants with a towel covering her chest. Next to her was the antibiotic cream, gauze coverings and her top. Quietly, Natasha moved towards the bed and picked up the cream. After every shower, the two of them sat on the edge of the bed and gone through the process.
Today would be no different. She touched Maria's shoulder gently as to not spook her and when she didn't get a reaction went about applying the cream and gauze.
"Am I just your assignment?" Maria asked, when Natasha had come back from the bathroom from washing her hands while she finished getting dressed.
"You're not just my assignment," she answered huskily, making her way back towards Maria. "I meant what I said just before Fury interrupted."
"Are you playing me?"
"No. I am not manipulating you, I am not trying to control you, and I am not lying to you."
"You knew about the van."
"I didn't want to worry you or scare you until I knew who it was. I'm sorry I didn't tell you." Natasha could see the brunette processing her answers, and could only hope that she would believe her. "Maria, I meant what I said."
"Why can I feel a 'but' about follow on from that?" she asked, her gaze still on the floor.
"But," Natasha conceded, "I don't want to lead you on while you're recovering. I don't want you to get attached and rely on that, because if something goes wrong you might end up hurting again. I don't want to hurt you."
Blue eyes finally met brown. "I thought the same thing this morning when I woke up and saw you watching me. I might get attached because of my fractured mental state and then struggle to function independently without you. The thing is I know that you wouldn't me in a position where I can't heal as an individual, who isn't attached to someone and relates that person to feeling okay. You're too careful for that, which is I believe you wouldn't hurt me."
"You do remember that I am a deeply scarred master assassin and spy, right?"
Maria snorted. "Yeah, I remember. But guess what?"
"What?" asked Natasha. She could feel Maria getting that little bit closer every time she spoke. Natasha was nervous.
"I still want you to kiss me."
Natasha couldn't supress the shiver that went all the way to her toes when Maria's hand brushed across her lower back as the brunette left the room. She was a little confused.
'Despite my history and the fact that she is recovering physically, emotionally and mentally from a heavy trauma, as well as being aware of the possibility of attachment that relies on me for a balanced mental state because of her recovery, she still wants me?'
All the way back down into the lounge room, Natasha debated against herself. There have been studies that show a positive recovery as a result of support and loving relationships. But there was no way she was capable of a loving relationship, not with all the red in her ledger and there was no way in hell she was deserving of it from anyone.
Maria was sitting in her spot on the couch, where she had been before Natasha had asked her to dance, looking oddly lonely without the redhead next to her.
"Are you going to join me or not?"
Natasha smiled gently, trying not to let it turn into a smirk and let herself drop onto the couch next to Maria. She wondered where the brunette was getting her confidence from considering that just this morning she had a breakdown over fearing having to relive her torture in a debrief. Instead of wrapping her arm around the woman to her left, she instead twined their fingers together and sighed contently when Maria's head dropped to her shoulder.
"I don't want to rush this."
"Me either," answered Maria. "This is nice."
"It's kind of perfect."