A/N: Because Yue is the TRUE Pimp Masta in Negima. She's just generously allowing her favorite boy toy to have his name in lights.

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Further Tales of Yue's Harem

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: Akamatsu owns it all. Yue, of course, is the true star of Negima. She's just letting Negi get the billing because she likes him.

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Reprogramming

Chisame stared at Evangeline, her expression the perfect facial equivalent of a flat "What". "I'm sorry, I'm not sure I'm getting this right."

The blonde vampire glared at her imperiously, and only Chisame's extensive cosplaying experience and familiarity with Evangeline allowed her to identify the small, almost microscopic clues that declared Evangeline was actually embarrassed. "What's not to understand, hacker-girl?" Evangeline said, crossing her arms over her T-shirt of a wizard riding a zombie dinosaur. "It's just a little reprogramming. With that Artifact of yours, you should be done like that." She snapped her fingers.

Chisame sighed, resisting the urge to take off her glasses and rub her eyes. "You want me," she said tiredly, "to reprogram Final Fantasy VII so Aerith doesn't die and Cloud ends up in a threesome with her and Tifa."

"And for the final boss battle to be harder than Ruby Weapon," Evangeline reminded her. "And I want you to reprogram Dirge of Cerberus so Shelke has more fan-service shots. And her sister doesn't die. And let me actually fight Omega Weapon. And– hey, where are you going!-? Get back here, girl!"

...

Sibling Rivalry

Tertium– though he infinitely preferred his chosen name of Fate– glared angrily at his nominal sister, clutching Negi's arm possessively. "I saw him first," he declared, as if that settled it.

Sextum– who still had no idea why people blushed or burst out giggling at her name– just as possessively clutched Negi's other arm. "I have boobs," she said, as if that settled it.

Negi sweated. "Don't I get a say in this?"

"No," the two Averuncci said flatly, not looking away from each other.

...

Metafictional Blues

Quintum and Quartum sighed as they proceeded to get drunk. "How fast we have been relegated to mobile scenery," the latter said. "Only one chapter in. On our first appearance, even. That's got to be a record."

"Why couldn't we have gotten better establishing scenes?" his brother sighed. "I mean, us going in and attacking two well-loved characters from the get-go… that's going to take a lot of character development to overcome!"

Quartum nodded morosely. "We're going to end up as shallow and two-dimensional as the fanfic versions of Narusegawa Naru and Tendo Akane. At least they had their brief moment of being liked. We're just screwed for the foreseeable eternity."

They sighed again.

There was a shuffle, and "Poyo" sat down next to them, waving a finger for a drink. Behind her, a late-to-the-party Negima fan railed at her and screamed, "DAMN YOU ZAZIE! B1TCH! WHORE! FURRY TWILIGHT FAN!" before a more experienced fan caught his attention and showed him something. There was much blushing and cries of "Sorry Zazie-san! My mistake!" to Zazie, who was seated on at another table before fan glared at "Poyo", said a few less heartfelt insults and slunk off, glaring darkly at Quintum and Quartum as he left. The two Averuncci sighed.

"Damn it, it's not fair!" Quartum said, looking balefully at "Poyo". "They've basically forgiven you already! That's just not fair!"

"Boobs," "Poyo" said, sipping her Splot. "They get you forgiven anything…"

The two Averuncci sighed again.

"Maybe we can be good guys in Akamatsu's next series…" Quintum prayed.

...

And I Must Scream

Asuna stared at the … thing, twitching. Negi's jaw hung open, swaying from side to side as his eyes began to go all swirly. Yue's mouth was chattering a mile a minute about obscure philosophical texts and pornography, while Nodoka buried her face in her hands and tried to forget what she saw. Most everyone else in Ala Alba was in similar states of shock, though Chachamaru was backing up her memory, Evangeline was complaining her scenes were too short, and Chamo was wondering whether he'd been sent to Kosmo Entelekhia again.

Haruna grinned at them widely. "Well? What do you think? It's the most popular series on Mundus Magicus, and has already made more money than the first five Ala Rubra films combined! And that's not counting the added revenue from the manga, figurines, Visual Novels, guide books, movie remakes… and, I being the generous soul that I am, generously have you current percentages of the royalties right here." She waved several envelopes at them.

That broke the silence, along with Asuna's last nerve.

"HARUNA!" she cried, her sword appearing in her hands. "DIE!"

Haruna gave a yelp and started running as the insane-with-anger Twilight imperial Princess chased her, Setsuna less than a heartbeat behind. Every stayed behind, just staring at the big screen TV.

"I don't remember Yue and I having sex in the library during the School Festival," Nodoka finally managed to get out.

"And I'm pretty sure Kaede, Ku and I didn't have sex in the water when we were trying to get the magic book from Library Island," Makie said, wiping the drool from her mouth.

"I DON'T MAKE WEBCAM PORN OF MYSELF!" Chisame finally managed to scream out.

"I'm still waiting for the Boya to make moves on me like that when I'm naked," Evangeline said in annoyance.

Yue sighed. "This is what we get for letting Haruna instead of Asakura tell the story. Of course she'd turn it into a hentai series…"

Negi just stared, mouth slightly parted and twitching slightly as his inner psyche tried to scream from the scenes of Jack Rakan and him 'training'…

...

Uses of Mistletoe

"Yue…"

"Yes Nodoka?"

"Why do you have mistletoe hanging from your waist?"

"You're supposed to kiss what's under the mistletoe, obviously."

"!"

...

Negi Hits Puberty

Finally, the day Chisame had been dreading had arrived.

"AHHHH!" Makie cried in disgust and horror, pointing at Negi's face. "Negi-kun w-what happened to you beautiful face?"

Ayaka recoiled, just as disturbed. "It… it's horrible, Negi-sensei! Your face!"

Negi blinked as he looked at the rest of the class, who all screamed, looked away, raised crosses, a picture of Tom Selleck, garlic, ofuda and other such things, or some combination of the above. "What's wrong with my new moustache?"

"IT'S HIDEOUS!" the class chorused. "OUR CUTE NEGI-SENSEI IS GONE FOREVER!"

"I think facial hair is very hot…" Zazie said.

...

"Why Jurisfiction Loves Akamatsu-Dono" or "Why There Are Always Lots of People And Weird Creatures Who Can't Possibly Be Costumes In The Background, Especially During The School Festival!"

"This," Thursday said as she used a Bazooka to shoot a giant spider-tank robot, "is brilliant!"

"Wait 'til we get to the Ostia Arc," Mary said, fighting guns akimbo with a pair of pistols. "The Nagi-manju is to die for… plus the gladiators… the buff, shirtless gladiators…"

They sighed.

"I love this job…" Thursday said.

...

A Very Bad Idea…

Negi stared at the stuffed animal in front of him as Chamo twitched and shook with terror on his shoulder. "Um, what's this, exactly?"

"It's an Entrail Animal!" the nice lady said, smiling brightly. "It's a very rare edition of Waffle-ironed Ermine! I hope you like it!"

"Um, thanks…?" Negi said, blinking in confusion as the nice lady skipped off.

The next day, he woke up wearing a blue bracelet and missing a very important piece of anatomy. Much screaming ensued.

"So we have another magical talking ermine now?" Asuna said as Setsuna stared at Negi, treacherous thoughts bubbling in her head. Oddly, the same thoughts were bubbling in Konoka's…

"Hi!" the Entrail Animal said. "I'm Waffle-ironed Ermine, a Messenger of the Moderators! Pleased to meet you!"

Needless to say, Red, Blue and White Kämpfer were soon in a deadlock, though not for long…

"Shota is best!" cried Shizuka, tugging on Negi's arm.

"Blasphemy! Obviously Loli is best!" cried Mikoto.

Negi sighed. "Don't I get a say in this?"

"NO!"

...

Magical Memetic Sex Goddess Yue!

"In other news, the city-state of Ariadne today announced it was renaming itself the Queendom of Yue. The international community was rocked by this sudden news, though keen observers have been predicting this for some time. Emily Sevensheep, head Sobame and Prime Ministra of Her Luscious Majesty Queen Yue the First, today announced in a press conference that the Queendom of Yue's education and Foreign policy would remain unchanged, stating that the Queendom would remain as neutral in it's dealings as before.

"Her Luscious Majesty Queen Yue was unavailable for comment, though strong sources report that she was in a private meeting with the newly revealed Prince Negi of Ostia and his Ministra, of which the new Queen is one, as well as several attendants. The still-ongoing meeting is reported to be very heated. Sources claim they have heard shounting, indistinct swearing and the sounds of furniture being broken. Prime Ministra Sevensheep, who is also in attendance, claims that there is no cause for alarm, and that it is all a result of high spirits. Those she spoke to report that the Prime Ministra appeared flushed and sweating, her clothing askew, though this was explained as due to the general tension in the room…

"In other news, the new Ala Alba series by the celebrated artist Paru-sama was released today, and spoilers are already gushing about the secret love affair between Sakurazaki Setsuna and the Twilight Imperial Princess…"

...

- To be continued...

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A/N: I've been ready– well, listening to the audiobooks, really– to Jasper Fforde's Thursday Next books. Think Terry Pratchett let loose on TvTropes and using every public domain character he can get his hands on. The implications of the series in a fanfic are terrifying.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.