WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS BLOOD, VIOLENCE AND DEADPOOL. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
Q: Yo, 'sup wit' dat warnin' up dere?
A: I think that WARNING is pretty SELF-EXPLANATORY. This chapter is a team-up between SHIELD director NICK FURY and the mercenary DEADPOOL!
Q: Alrigh', one atta time, pleez. Firs' tell me 'bout dis Nick Fury.
A: NICK FURY is a WORLD WAR II VETERAN and present day SUPER-SPY. His ageing was significantly slowed by the INFINITY FORMULA, allowing him to still be an ACTIVE, ATHLETIC MIDDLE-AGED MAN despite being old enough to be your GREAT GRANDFATHER! Also, this isn't the SAMUEL L. JACKSON version of Fury, but rather the EARTH-616 COMIC version. Which basically means that he's a white guy, and that this is the REGULAR MARVEL UNIVERSE and NOT the ULTIMATE UNIVERSE which is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
Q: An' dis Dead-pool?
A: DEADPOOL is the MARVEL universe's INSANE mercenary and ANTI-HERO. He's also known as WADE WILSON, the CRIMSON COMEDIAN, the REGENERATIN' DEGENERATE, the MERC WITH A MOUTH! He's CRAZIER than a SACK'A FERRETS! Oh, also, he has a habit of BREAKING the FOURTH WALL.
Q: An' dis's still A+X?
A: Well... kind of? Technically Fury sometimes runs the AVENGERS, and though Deadpool is not an X-MAN, he was part of the UNCANNY X-FORCE, which is a basically a SECRETE SECTOR of the X-Men that KILL people who NEED KILLIIN'.
Q: So dis Dead-pool kills people?
A: Both Nick Fury AND Deadpool are KILLERS. But if it makes you feel any better, they're only killin' ALIENS in this chapter.
Q: Anythin' I need'a know continuity-wise?
A: YES actually! This chapter takes place at the same times as the PREVIOUS CHAPTER, and is actually the SECOND chapter in a group of CONNECTED CHAPTERS. (There will be THREE MORE connected chapters after this one.)
Q: S'dat all?
A: NOPE! You still have to READ the CHAPTER!
Nick Fury + Deadpool
SKA-BOOOM! The helicopter crashed into the Helicarrier.
THUMP! Deadpool crashed into the Helicarrier with a splatter of red. "Kamikaaaazeee—AGH!"
Thump. Fury landed lightly on the landing pad of the Helicarrier, parachute collapsing on the ground behind him.
Deadpool was lying facefirst on the ground. "I think my nose is gone," he mumbled into the tarmac.
"Okay, so here's the plan," Nick Fury said, beginning to lay out orders as Deadpool peeled himself up off the ground.
"VOLDEMORT ISN'T THIS PRETTY!"
"Excuse me?!" Fury demanded in consternation as he turned to glare at the red and black clad mercenary.
"Nothin', I wouldn't expect you to get the popular culture reference," Deadpool said, waving a hand dismissively. "Now proceed with that telling me 'bout this plan of yours, to infiltrate the Helicarrier that is currently take over by aliens, that I haven't been paying attention to. Something about 'sixpence?' Or was it 'elephants?' We better not be entering through any air vents, 'cause that's totally Clint Barton's shtick."
Fury clenched his teeth. "We're in the field now, Deadpool. I'm gonna need you keep your mind on the task at hand."
"Psh, don't worry 'bout me, ol' pal! You should be worried about all these readers who have no idea what the hell's goin' on in this fic!"
"Deadpool, I have absolutely no clue what you're talking about," Fury growled as he lifted his eyepatch for the retinal scan on some secret backdoor. "But I need you to—"
"QUE FLASHBACK!" Deadpool announced, throwing his hands wide. "Insert smooth transition here!"
An hour ago...
Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
"That would be the delivery man from the taco place with your chimichangas, Deadpool," Clint answered, walking over to the door to answer it.
"That-would-be-the-delivery-man-from-the-taco-place-with-your-chimichangas-Deadpool who?"
"Not a joke, Deadpool," came the annoyed reply.
[I don't get it. Everything's a joke!]
[Maybe that was the joke?]
"Ha!" Deadpool said. "I get it! Suck on that, yellow and white text boxes that aren't yellow and white text boxes 'cause this is a fanfic and not a comic!"
[Yeah, what's up with that? The readers might get confused.]
[I'm the white text box.]
[Racist!]
"Yeah, this is the 21st century! Racism is totally uncool, man! What's wrong with you?!"
[A lot, actually.]
[We're insane, remember?]
"Oh," Deadpool said, tilting his head, still wearing his red mask with large black ovals around his eyes, along with the rest of his red and black costume, which was mostly red, with black on his shoulders and sides to about mid-thigh. He was also wearing all his many weapons. "Right. That. This couch is uncomfortable."
[Yeah, it's all hard and lumpy. Like we're sitting on guns and grenades or something.]
[That's because we are sitting on guns and grenades.]
"Like the princess and the RPG!" Deadpool exclaimed.
[Uh, no. We're sitting on our guns and grenades.]
"The what?" Clint asked, raising his blond eyebrows, as came back holding a couple large paper bags in his arms.
"You know, the fairytale where the princess lies down on that seven-story bed with the RPG under it?" Deadpool said, sitting up and reaching over for the paper bags.
[And it explodes!]
[I think it's a pea, actually, not an RPG.]
"Really? That's boring," Deadpool said, as Clint grabbed the paper bag away. "Hey, Hawkguy! Gimme my chimichangas!"
"Not until you tell me where Bullseye is," Clint said severely. "Like you promised."
"C'mon, chimichangas, dude! Don't make me pout," Deadpool said. "Oh, now you've done it! See? I'm pouting."
[You're wearing a mask.]
[So?]
[Hawkguy can't see him pouting.]
[That's probably a good thing, 'cause he's not actually pouting.]
Clint narrowed his eyes, glaring intensely. "Tell. Me."
[You better tell 'im.]
[Before he shoots you. With an arrow.]
"Fine," Deadpool said, standing up and making a beckoning sign for Hawkeye to come closer. Deadpool leaned over and whispered in his ear.
Clint dropped the paper bags, grabbed his bow, and was out the door in seconds, saying, "Don't you dare break anything!" before slamming said door behind him.
[Nooooooo! The chimichangas!]
"So I grabbed the bags of chimichangas with my awesome reflexes before they could hit the ground, then lounged on Hawkguy's couch in his girly purple apartment, chowing on delicious chimichangas from my favorite taco place in Manhattan, and wondering why Hawkguy's TV didn't work. I was halfway done when I heard a suspiciously suspicious and loud pounding of footsteps up the stairs and down the hallway—"
[You don't need to narrate, you know. There's already a narrator.]
"Who's listening to Skrillex!" Wade protested. "No one is a musician!"
The door burst open, and SHIELD agents poured in, pointing their guns at Deadpool. "Freeze! Hands in the air!" one of them shouted. "Don't move!"
"Where's Agent Barton?" another demanded.
"What?" Deadpool said, sitting up and glancing around the room behind him to see who the agents were threatening, before turning his gaze back to them. "Are you talking to me?"
"Of course we're talking to you! Who else would we be talking to?" the agent snapped.
[They could be talking to us.]
[Why would they be talking to us?]
"Yeah," Deadpool said, "You could be talking to them."
The agents sent quick, confused glances at each other. "To who?" one of them asked.
[Shouldn't that be 'to whom'?]
"To them," Deadpool pointed behind the agents.
['Over there!' Oldest trick in the book!]
[They'll never expect it!]
[Exactly!]
When the agents turned to look, Deadpoolthrew the rest of the chimichangas, the food exploding across the agents. "Take that, suckahs!"
[NOOOO! THE CHIMICHANGAS!]
Deadpool turned and jumped out the window in a spattering of glass, falling several stories through the air, legs running and arms pinwheeling.
"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
[ \o/ ]
Deadpool grabbed onto a streetlamp, swinging himself back up into the air.
[Now what? We lost the rest of the chimichangas, and we're now going up, only to go back down again.]
[Helicopter!]
"Damn straight," Deadpool said, aiming to crash through the windshield.
Abruptly, the helicopter turned to the side, the door opening to let Deadpool tumble inside, straight into the opposite wall. "Or... crooked...? Straighter."
"Deadpool."
Peeling himself off the wall, Deadpool staggered back, shaking his head.
[I see stars.]
[Oh look! It's Canis Major! The Great Dog!]
[Oh hey! It's got one eye! It looks so Sirius! And it's Furry!]
"Nick Furry!" Deadpool greeted the man piloting the helicopter. "Long time no see! Do you have another job for me? All the rhyming is total intentionally."
"It's Fury," the man said as he sent a glare at Deadpool, who sat down in the co-pilot seat beside him. "And no, I don't have an assignment for you. I actually have an assignment for a certain Agent Barton." Nick Fury was dressed in his black SHIELD uniform, covered in various pocketful belts and straps and gun holsters, a black eyepatch over his left eye, his right eye brown and cold. His brown hair was graying at the temples.
"Oh, so sorry," Deadpool said, kicking his feet up on the dash, leaning back in the chair. "You missed him. Aimed too far to the right now, he's already left."
"Where is he?" Fury demanded.
"Off chasing some evil doppelganger of his," Deadpool said in an I-don't-know-and-I-don't-particularly-care manner. "He probably won't be back for a while. I would've thought you would've known about that, being Nick Furry an' all."
[I think you mean 'doppelgänger.']
"That's what I said!" Deadpool said, throwing up his hands in indignation.
"I heard you," Fury replied coolly. "And I know you know what my name is."
"Soooooo, what was up with all those SHIELD agents that invaded the purple-lover's apartment, pointed guns at me an' splattered themselves with my chimichangas?"
"Those agents are... compromised," Fury answered as he steered the helicopter up and away from Manhattan, keeping his one-eyed gaze ahead. "Several sectors of SHIELD have been compromised, including the Helicarrier. I came to get Agent Barton, but the compromised agents got there first—only as it turns out, he wasn't even there. You were. And now we're getting out of there."
"What kind of compromise are you dealing with?" Deadpool asked. "Peanut butter or jelly? War or peace? Jacob or Edward? To be or not to be?"
"Aliens."
"Again?!" Deadpool exclaimed, sitting up straight. "Green ones?"
"Yeah."
Deadpool facepalmed. "Again?!"
"Ain't Skrulls, though. Some kinda scaly creatures with telepathic powers."
"Hell, what did you want Hawkguy for, then? He wouldn't be much help against a telepathic alien invasion," Deadpool pointed out. "What you really need's someone who's unpredictable and resistant to all stuff telepathic."
[Like us!]
[Yeah, like us!]
"But not me, of course, because there's no way I'm gonna help you after you screwed me over that last time with the Skrulls when you screwed up an' that 'secure' line you made me memorize the sequence to wasn't that secure after all*."
[What?! We're gonna bail on this gig just 'cause you're holding a grudge?]
[We were totally screwed over.]
Nick grit his teeth. "This mission isn't gonna be anything like that. This is straightforward alien elimination."
"Nuh-uh, no way Ho-zay."
"You will be paid."
Deadpool's eyes (figuratively) lit up with dollar signs.
"Wait a mo', I need to consult my brain," Deadpool said, touching the pointer and middle fingers of each hand to his temples. "Okay, head voices, speak your mind."
[Money is a good thing.]
[We don't need money—we're rich, remember?]
[Fury doesn't know that. 'Sides, we've probably spent most of it by now.]
[True, dat.]
[Think of it this way: we'll be paid to save the world, so essentially, we'll be paid to be a hero.]
[Like the Avengers!]
[Yeah, and protect all those people who hate our guts.]
[And our face.]
[Especially our face.]
"That's why we wear the mask."
"Come again?" Fury said, raising his one solitary eyebrow.
[At least he has eyebrows.]
"Ouch."
[Ooh, burn!]
Nick Fury looked intensely confused—well, for Nick Fury, anyway. Which pretty much meant he was damn well near expressionless. Except for that eyebrow making a break for his hairline.
"Okay, so, let me get this straight," Deadpool said, turning to the war veteran, "Telepathic aliens infiltrated the Helicarrier and are controlling the SHIELD agents."
"Yes."
"But not you."
"They're mind-control methods fail to work on me."
"And you plan on goin' in there an' killing them all."
"That is the fundamental idea of the plan, yes."
"And you're willing to buy my help."
"We've already been over this, Deadpool."
"If I help you kill telepathic aliens, you'll pay me."
A sigh. "Yes."
"How much?"
[Make sure he pays you upfront this time!]
The present moment...
Fury and Deadpool were walking down a dim hallway.
"C'mon," Fury ordered, stopping at an air vent and gesturing that that was the route they were going to take to the heart of the ship.
"Air vents? Really?" Deadpool complained as he gave Fury a boost up. "This is so cliché it's not even funny!"
[And the whole sneaky-sneaky thing is booooooring. What people like is action! Rushing in with guns a'blazing!]
"Deadpool," Fury said, extending a hand. "Shut up."
"If I had a dollar for every time somebody told me that..." Deadpool said whimsically, grabbing Fury's hand and letting the man pull him up into the air vent.
[We'd be rich!]
[Filthy rich! Like, richer than Tony Stark and Warren Worthington III! Combined!]
[Warren Worthington is dead, remember? We were there*.]
[Oh... right... we should visit Angel sometime. Maybe next time we visit Evan** he can introduce us. He said they were good friends.]
"Maybe when we're done with this mission." Deadpool kicked the grate so that it fell back into place with a click, leaving the two in the small, cramped space.
"No, shut up during the mission. Now c'mon, this way."
Fury took the lead, Deadpool following after him like a sulky child.
Their crawling was quite nearly silent. Wade's mouth... wasn't. Much to Fury's fury.
"Alright, Fury and I here are just crawlin' down this dark, cramped, boring air vent like wannabe Hawkeyes, and I'm sure you don't want to read me and Fury haggling over prices, so let's use this time for another flashback and skip to something more informative, that you'll need to know to understand just what the hell is goin' down!"
"Who the hell are you talking to?!" Fury demanded, pausing to glance over his shoulder at Deadpool in the cramped space.
"Not you, Nicky bird. No need to get your feathers ruffled. Now, fast-forward the flashback several minutes, please."
The past, several minutes after the last flashback...
"Right," Deadpool said, resting his chin on his fist as he stared listlessly out the window."So, while we proceed with the boring flight to the helicarrier, why don't you remind me: what's everything you know about these green aliens that aren't Skrulls?"
"I cross-referenced them with all known extraterrestrial beings within the SHIELD databases, but came up with nothing. However, upon contacting various other resources, I've been able to gather that these aliens are known as Zaallyxians. They can't read minds, but they have the ability to impose their will upon others via a chemical they exhale that enters the body and affects the brain to receive the particular wavelengths of the Zaallyxians, which then allows them to control other beings to a certain degree. They can't control those who haven't breathed in this chemical, but once someone's been exposed to it, the Zaallyxians can retain this control over longer distances, the exact span of which varies. They feed on electricity, the amount of which directly affects the strength of their telepathy and the distance it can extend to."
"Yeah yeah yeah yawn, I get it," Deadpool said impatiently, leaning his head back to stare at the ceiling of the stealth helicopter, legs crossed and left foot tapping in the air. "What about physical abilities? Fightin' skills? How easy are they to kill?"
"They're humanoid, somewhat reptilian in appearance. Sources suggest their scales provide limited protection against injury, similar to that of medium-grade bullet-proof textiles. Weak spots at their joints. They wear anti-grav units on their belts. From what I've seen of them on Earth, they tend to program them at around moon-gravity level, which allows them to leap farther and higher, etc.. Slight degree of superhuman strength. Superhuman senses, which includes vision in the infra red spectrum."
"Weaponry? Fighting style? Stabby? Shooty? Good ol' fisticuffs?"
"They have guns that fire energy blasts. Pretty standard alien tech. Will engage in hand-to-hand combat. Scales on their knuckles are razor sharp. They're also equipped with razor sharp scales on their tails."
[Oh hey that rhymed!]
[Wait, the aliens have tails? Sounds like they're just really intelligent dinosaurs that can mind-control people.]
"Well then!" Deadpool declared with a what-have-you gesture, "This should be easy peasy pineapple sleezy! There's a reason dinosaurs are extinct, after all. And now the readers are all caught up! BACK TO THE PRESENT!"
[Don't forget the wrapping paper! Unwrapping presents is the best the part about presents.]
[I think you're thinking about the wrong kind of present.]
The present moment, once again...
Deadpool crawled over a grate, glancing down into the room below.
[Oh look! Aliens!]
The scaly green, humanoid but kind of repitilian-looking aliens glanced up.
"Thought Fury said they couldn't read minds," Deadpool whispered.
[Infra red vision, remember? We're probably like bright yellow or something.]
[I think we look better in red.]
One of the aliens lifted a gun, shooting the air vent, causing Deadpool to tumble out like candy out of a piñata.
He landed on his feet. "Hey! What does the fox say?! " Deadpool asked/sang, leveling his guns at the aliens. " Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow! " He opened fire. " Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow! Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow! "
Still in the air vent, Fury groaned, but kept crawling towards the heart of the ship in order to shut down the mind-control broadcast.
Reaching the control room without any further trouble, Fury dropped out of the air vent, quickly incapacitating the agents and aliens within the room and barring the doors.
Just as suspected, the aliens seemed to have been utilizing the SHIELD radio, computer, and satellite systems to maintain long-rage telepathy.
With deft fingers, Nick hijacked the programs within minutes, neutralizing them and resetting them to standard SHIELD programming. Now it was assured that the aliens couldn't call for backup, and the mind-controlled agents that had been deployed elsewhere would be coming back to themselves.
Fury was in the process of sending alerts to the rest of SHIELD when the doors were blown off their hinges and aliens poured in.
"Handssss in the air!"
The Director of SHIELD raised his hands placatingly.
Riddled with bulletholes, the aliens fell to the floor in growing pools of celadon blood.
Deadpool began rolling the dead bodies over and pilfering through their belts with the lots of pockets."A grotesque gruesome gnat gnawed a gregarious greenhorn, and the gregarious greenhorn gushed green guts."
[Ooh, nice tongue twister.]
[Mercenary-senses tingling! ALIEN ALERT!]
The door burst open, aliens and SHIELD agents pouring in, guns at the ready.
[Remember, no killing the SHIELD agents. They're being mind-controlled. It's not their fault if they shoot your head off.]
[But we can still maim them a little, right?]
"Sssurrender. You are ssssurrounded," one of the aliens said, in a sibilant voice not unlike the basilisk from Harry Potter.
[What's with all the Harry Potter references?]
"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!" Deadpool declared as he failed to put his hands up and instead aimed his guns at the speaker. "And in case you don't know, that's a reference from—"
"Why isssn't it ssssurrendering?" another alien asked, discombobulated.
"It sseemsss it cannot be controlled," the first alien hissed. "Kill it."
Guns fired from every direction.
"AAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!"
Deadpool spasmed with pain and dropped to the ground, a pool of red spreading around him.
[MoMmY? I tHiNk mY EnTiRe BoDy iS a BoO-bOo.]
"Disssspossse of the body," an alien ordered.
A SHIELD agent grabbed Deadpool's feet and began dragging him away, leaving smears of his blood along the floor, the red mixing with the already spilled green and turning a revolting brown.
[This is disgusting.]
[Yeah really. How long we gonna be playing possum?]
"Bit longer," Deadpool muttered.
The agent paused, turning to look at the 'dead' body with a perturbed expression. The 'corpse' was limp. Unmoving. Silent.
[Haha! Look at his expression! Mutter something else once he turns back around!]
[Good thing we're wearing the mask. He can't see that our eyes are open.]
After a moment the agent turned and continued dragging Deadpool down the corridor. He turned a corner, then another.
The amount of blood being spread on the floor steadily decreased.
[Hurts less, too. Good ol' healing factor.]
[We're gonna be thrown out with the trash again, aren't we?**]
"Nope." Deadpool pulled his feet from the agent's grip, swinging his legs to knock the agent's legs out from beneath him, and as he hit the ground Deadpool leapt to his feet and grabbed a fistful of the man's brown hair with one hand, pulling his head back and placing a the blade of a sword against the man's throat with the other.
"Hello," Deadpool said. "I'm just a poor, lost tourist, so why don't you give me directions to your leader so I can get his or her autograph and ask where the best taco place is in the Jurassic period?"
Hands cuffed behind his back, Nick Fury was brought before the alien leader on the bridge.
The leader didn't look any different from the other aliens, aside from being slightly larger and a dark green.
"What isss it?" the leader hissed.
"We found thisss man in the control room," one of the aliens holding Fury answered. "He wasss working with an accomplisss who wasss killed—"
There was the sound of gunshots and alien screams of pain, and then part of the wall exploded, revealing Deadpool standing there as the smoke cleared.
"You were ssssaying?" Deadpool said.
"Fire!" the leader shouted.
"Really? Where?" Deadpool asked, glancing around. "I got just the thing!"
And with that, Deadpool pulled a fire extinguisher out from behind him, proceeding to spray white foam everywhere, getting it all over everyone's faces.
The leader must have given a telepathic order, because immediately the agents and aliens in the room lifted their guns, firing at the mercenary.
But given the fact that they could barely see anything because their faces were covered in white foam, their aim wasn't all that great.
"Tsk tsk. Don't you know better than to bring guns to a sword fight?" Deadpool said, whipping out his katanas and spinning the blades in front of him, so fast they were as invisible as hummingbird wings, reflecting the bullets and energy blasts. "Check out this new trick I learned from that sucky X-Men movie where they completely messed up my character! And my fight with Wolverine only lasted a few pathetic minutes! 107 minutes wouldn't even be enough to cover one of our fights!"
The agents and aliens that were firing fell to the ground as the were struck by the blasts and bullets ricocheting off Deadpool's swords as he moved steadily forward into the room.
During all the chaos, Fury had kicked the aliens holding him and jumped up, tucking his knees to his chest and bringing his wrists that were cuffed together behind him down so that he jumped through his arms so that his hands were in front of him.
"Hey! Mr. Fury McFurious!" Deadpool called from where he was engaged in a sword fight with several aliens who were leaping around like they were on the moon and swinging at him with sharp knuckles and tails. "Put your hands up and don't move! I saved a bullet for ya!"
Fury put his hands in the air above his head, and Deadpool fired, shattering the chain between the cuffs.
"Thanks kid," Fury said, leaping into the fray and layin' 'em down with his fists. "I sent out a call. Backup should be here soon."
"Won't mean anything if these aliens can control 'em," Deadpool pointed out as he slashed and stabbed his way through the melee. "But it's a good thing we'll have absolutely no problem taking down all these aliens since they don't have any huge #%$&in' death rays to blast us to death with or anything..."
Just then, a group of aliens carried in a huge #%$&in' death ray, setting it down on the bridge on the level above them and aiming at the two intruders.
"$# !" Deadpool swore as he flipped out of the way of a freaking huge blazing hot incinerating blast. "Wait, I can't even swear now? This is a fanfic, not a comic! And what is it rated T for if I can't swear?!"
"Get to the WMD!" Fury ordered, rolling out of the way of a blast and coming up to swing a mean right hook into an alien's jaw. "Disable it before it destroys the Helicarrier!"
"...killing people?" Deadpool said indignantly as he put a hand on an alien's shoulder and swung over the creature, kicking another in the face. "Why would it be rated T for me killing aliens? There aren't even any descriptions of all this gore I'm wading through!"
Deadpool's sword went slashity-slash and stabbity-stab-stab, splattering the walls with a lot of green and a lesser amount of red.
"Get it? I just made a funny. Wading through. Get it? My name's Wade!"
"I don't know what the $# ! you're talking about or who the $# ! you're talking to, but would you focus more on the task at hand?" Fury growled as he removed a couple pistols from various holsters and began shooting their enemies.
Blasts from the death ray were simmering through the air like beachball-sized stars, the blasts straying wide and turning the metal of the Helicarrier to orange molten metal.
"Yeah yeah, I got it. Hey though, I've always wondered, when we say $#%!, does it sound like dollar-sign-hash-tag-percent-exclamation-point, or does it just sound like a droning beeeeeep?"
"FOCUS!"
"You think I'm not? I can talk and kill at the same time, it's what I do best—I'm the Merc with a Mouth, after all—and I'm the best there is at what I do! Speaking of, eat lead you alien $$!"
Aliens seemed to stream in from nowhere, making the task of getting through them all to get to the death ray not unakin to swimming against a riptide current.
"Hey, you could actually tell what that was supposed to say!" Deadpool exclaimed, in what sounded like pure rapture. "How about arse? Can I say arse? OH HEY I CAN!"
Fury was a fighting machine, every movement precise and controlled and one-hundred percent accurate. Deadpool, on the other hand, was more of a chaotic force of nature, though no less devastating.
"I AM GOING TO KICK ALL YOUR ARSES, YOU $#%!ing $#*%!"
Deadpool also seemed to be pickpocketing the aliens of their anti-grav devices, causing them to move clumsily and stumble as they were suddenly reacquainted with the force of Earth's gravity and could no longer leap around like very large, scaly, ugly fairies.
"What, I can say arse but I can't say $#*%? WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!"
"Do you ever shut up?" Fury demanded, dodging another death ray blast and taking down another alien in a single, fluid move.
"No, not while I'm awake," Deadpool said, spinning around in a Legend-of-Zelda-esque sword slash. "And I'm told that I talk in my sleep. So apparently not then, either. And dying has never stopped me before. So no, not really."
Deadpool, having fought himself close to the death ray, vaulted himself from the shoulders of an alien, grabbing the railing and pulling himself onto the upper level.
Suddenly several aliens got their act together and assaulted Deadpool all at once, causing him to fall to the ground as they all surrounding him, kicking and punching and slashing. "I feel like a—ouch!—kernel in a—ow!—popcorn machine!" Deadpool yelped. "Hey Fury! Give a man—yeowch!—a hand, will you?!"
Fury managed to swing himself onto the second level as well, pulling aliens off Deadpool and beating in their faces while he was it. He extended a hand to the mercenary.
"Thanks, man," Deadpool said, taking Fury's hand.
And then Deadpool ripped Fury's entire arm clean off.
There was a shower of sparks.
Everything seemed to move in slow motion as Deadpool ran the last couple strides to the death ray, raised Fury's amputated arm, and brought it down on the death ray.
There was a flash of blinding white light and a huge explosion—and then the entire Helicarrier was plunged into darkness.
The aliens spasmed for several seconds, then collapsed to the ground, gasping as their power source was abruptly cut off.
The agents that had been controlled all abruptly came back to themselves (although they were all unconscious, having been knocked out by either Fury or Deadpool, so they didn't really 'come to' or anything).
There was a loud groan from the opposite wall as Deadpool slowly raised his head from where he was lying in the rubble. "I tHiNk I bRoKe mY TaIl bOnE. ThIs DoGgY sHaLl wAg nO mOrE."
Fury picked himself off the ground and walked over to the mangled mercenary. "Need a hand?" he asked, a slight smirk pulling at his lips. "I've still got another one."
"JuSt GiVe mE a MoMeNt FoR mY hEaLiNg FaCtOr tO Do iTs wOrK," Deadpool groaned in pain.
Fury picked him up with one arm.
"ThIs iS eMbArRaSsInG. FaSt ForWaRd A fEw MiNuTeS pLeAse."
A few minutes later...
Deadpool and Fury sat at the table on the bridge in the dimness, evening light and ocean breeze streaming in through where the large windows used to be.
Fury's right arm was on the table in front of them, wires sticking out from both the arm and Fury's shoulder.
Nick was sitting upright in his chair. Deadpool was slouched, his red and black spandex full of bulletholes and slashes from alien tails, his limbs crushed and bent at odd angles. His skin that was showing through the torn costume was deformed, covered in massive scar tissue.
"I figured it was your right arm that had the EMP in it," Deadpool remarked.
"When did you figure out this is an LMD?" Fury asked, leaning forward slightly and resting his left arm on the table.
Deadpool shrugged. "A couple minutes into our conversation in the helicopter, when there wasn't a vein throbbing in your forehead," he answered. "Hearing that you were the only one the aliens weren't able to control only solidified my certainty. They can't control your mind if your mind isn't there to control, after all. And don't think I didn't see what was beneath that eyepatch of yours during that retinal scan! So," Deadpool gave a small moan as bones continued popping back into place and muscles and tendons got themselves sorted out. "Where are you, actually? 'Cause I really hope you've been in a posh hotel sitting in an incredibly comfy chair eatin' popcorn the entire time you've been directing that thing."
"That," Fury said, "is classified information."
There were several beats of silence, filled only by the cracking of Wade's bones resetting.
"I have to admit, that was resourceful," Fury relented, somewhat grudgingly, "using all the aliens' anti-gravity devices on the Helicarrier so that it stays in the air even after the power failed and the engines shut down."
Start flashback...
Deadpool waited for an answer from the SHIELD agent he was holding by the hair.
[I don't think he's gonna give us directions.]
"Guess not," Deadpool said, punching the man's lights out. "Ah well. Who needs directions anyway?"
So the Merc with a Mouth proceeded to fight his way through the Helicarrier, kicking moon-walking alien ass and taking the anit-grav unites from their belts and sticking them to ceilings, walls, and floors all over the place, setting them to their highest settings.
[Look, some dead aliens! I think we've already been this way.]
[This Helicarrier is a futzin' maze, is what it is. A futzin' labyrinth.]
"Shut up. I know exactly where I'm going."
Deadpool didn't find his way to the bridge until he'd placed anti-grav unites over nearly the entire Helicarrier. Including the bathrooms.
...End flashback.
"You forgot to mention the brilliance of using the death ray to magnify the EMP."
"I never said anything 'bout brilliance, kid."
There were a few more beats of silence. The slight gurgling sound of the blood being purged from Wade's lungs as they reinflated in his no-longer crushed ribcage.
"So, what do we do now?" Deadpool asked. "I'd suggest goin' out to grab a bite to eat, except that you can't. Eat, I mean."
"Once you're fully healed, you can take the helicopter and leave before the SHIELD agents I called for backup get here," Fury answered. "Then you go home, or back to whatever it is you were doing, and I focus on how to get rid of the rest of the Zaallyxians that are still on Earth."
"Oh," Deadpool said, pushing himself upright, body complaining only slightly. He stood up, giving his limbs a shake to make sure they were all back to working order "Okay. Well, then."
He stood expectantly for a moment.
"You're welcome."
"I've already given ya as close to a 'thanks' as you're gonna get, kid" Fury told him. "Don't push your luck."
"Kid? What's with calling me kid?"
Fury just stared at him.
"Right," Deadpool said, turning to go. A skip returned to his step as he started singing. " I think I better go now. I think I better go now. I think I better go now! "
Deadpool walked down the Helicarrier hallway, talking to himself (as per usual).
"Go back to whatever it was I was doin', huh? What was I doing?"
[Eating chimichangas.]
[And then throwing our chimichangas at SHIELD agents.]
[And thus not eating the rest of our chimichangas.]
"Well, I am pretty hungry," Deadpool acknowledged. "All that healing burns a lotta calories."
[CHIMICHANGAS!]
[Chiiimiiiichaaaangaaaas!]
"Chimichangas it is, then! Come to daddy, little fried beef burrito babies!"
[Oh #%$&!]
"#%$&! what?"
[We also busted up Clint's apartment a bit, remember?!]
[He's probably not gonna be happy about that. Might not invite us over again.]
"Good thing we're rich, huh?" Deadpool pointed out as he walked onto the landing pad and headed for the helicopter. "Enough cash for chimichangas and damage repair money both!"
[You think he'll still invite us over?]
Deadpool hopped into the helicopter. "We'll pay him double the cost of the damages."
[You sure that will be enough?]
He sat down in the pilot's seat, turning the engine on. "Triple, then!"
The helicopter blades whirred to life and the vehicle took off into the sky.
[Ooor, we could just not tell him it was us...]
[He'll know. We left chimichangas everywhere.]
"Yeah, we'd better pay 'im," Deadpool agreed as he steered the helicopter towards Manhattan.
[And leave a note.]
[You honestly think he'll believe it was the fault of telepathic aliens?]
[He should know that only a horrible catastrophe could part us from our chimichangas.]
[Like a zombie apocalypse.]
[Or telepathic aliens.]
[Or a robot apocalypse.]
[Or telepathic aliens.]
[Or Ragnarok.]
[Or telepathic aliens!]
[Or the author of this fic not being able to figure out how to end the chapter.]
[She just loves us too much. Doesn't want to end the awesomeness.]
"I'm just flyin' a helicopter and talkin' to myself," Deadpool pointed out. "Definitely seems like the end of the chapter to me."
END.
*Deadpool (2008) #1-3
*Uncanny X-Factor (2010) #18
**Uncanny X-Factor (2010) #35
**Deadpool (2012) #15
I'vebeenLOKI'Dyetagain: Yeah, that end up as a really long chapter. I did SO much research for this thing! I'm not even kidding, I read easily over 100 issues of Deadpool comics to try to understand his character (also, his comics are really addicting, if not somewhat disturbing).
And what I discovered? There is no understanding Deadpool. His mind works in mysterious ways. He's insane. Unpredictable. You think you know what's going on, and then he flips it all around on you, and you realize that you really, really don't.
I can only hope I did his character some amount of justice in this chapter...
And yeah, Deadpool kind of took over the chapter, and it ended up a bit more like "Deadpool (guest-starring Nick Fury)." Wade's just such an extravagant character, while Fury is much more... subtle...
Oh, also, the Zaallyxians aren't from the comics, or from anything else. I totally made them up.
Anyways. If you read this, I really hope you enjoyed! And reviews are much appreciated ;3