a/n: hey guys. look i'm writing in bold. this is strange?! but um, anyways. THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEWS. I was actually so worried about that chapter, because I was, like, wow I suck so much! But thanks so much. You guys are so kind. :)

Sorry, no flashbacks this chapter, but *shrugs* you can't always have a flashback. Right?

Anyways. Hope you enjoy this chapter. :) It isn't as...moving as the last couple chapters. But you know, i'm trying to create development and build up, and shit.

Anyways, enjoy :)

Chapter 14

The First Time

For awhile they avoid it. They avoid the question because they both fear the answer. It is easier this way because no one will get hurt. No one will encounter rejection, or embarrassment. Both sail the same boat, right now. The boat is steady, and controlled, but once that question arises, it will shake. It will cause a rift, and a chance of someone drowning will come about.

So, they avoid it. They avoid it like the plague, and continue doing whatever they are doing; ignoring consequence and definition like an antelope avoids a lion.

It isn't that Spencer would mind going on a date with him or anything. He can be irritating, and tick her off, but there is some weird, strange, desirable thing about him. Some strange aroma around him that calms her, and teaches her how to breathe.

But telling him that would be terrifying. She doesn't know what Toby is like with girls. Maybe he does stuff like this all the time, and that's why he hasn't asked, because this is normal to him. Maybe it is just sex to him.

And Spencer is fine with it just being sex. She really is fine with that. Maybe she has a little, tiny, microscopic, crush on him, but it is an irrational, illogical, nonsense, crush. It doesn't make any sense, and therefore, it shouldn't be explored any further. Sex is safe. No one gets hurt, or embarrassed when it is just sex. So, as long as he keeps the question of what they are lodged in his throat, she will too.

She is fine with how things are. She is.

Or at least that's what she thought.

They are at one of Hanna and Caleb's dinners (they have been having a lot since the new house), and Hanna is going on about something wedding related. Something about guests, and food, and how it is only three months away, and how she can hardly wait, and Spencer can't listen because Toby keeps distracting her. He is looking at her, smiling every so often, and creating a giant hole in her stomach which can only be filled by his touch. She smirks at him, subtly, so no one will notice, and then returns her eyes to Hanna.

"Speaking of plus ones…!" Hanna darts her eyes to Toby, "are you bringing anyone, Toby? Did you ever go out with Mona? If not, then you are so taking her to my wedding! Or do you remember Macy? Oh my God! Forget Mona. You're going with Macy. She is literally your perfect match. Like, perfect. With a capital P."

"I actually have to say that Hanna may be right on this one. You two are like the same person. She is in a band, and she paints in her free time, and she is obsessed with old music no one listens to anymore," Caleb adds.

Spencer's heart drops in her stomach, an involuntary frown leaning on her lips. She sucks in a breath, and quickly regains her composure, and stares expectantly at Toby for an answer. He meets her brown, measuring, eyes for just a split second, before meeting Hanna's eager blues.

"I think I'm good," he murmurs.

"What? Toby…" Hanna sighs. "Come on, she's perfect for you."

"I'm sure she is nice," he agrees.

"She isn't just nice. She is practically your soul mate! You can't just sit around and mope forever!"

Spencer looks down at her plate, letting out a breath.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Why does she feel so…upset over the potential of him going to Hanna's wedding with someone? It isn't like they are together. At all. It's just sex. Isn't it? Why does she care so much if he goes with someone? She shouldn't care.

"I'm not moping," he argues. "I'm—," his words come out scrambled, "just not interested."

Hanna rolls her eyes, and shakes her head, but lets it go. Because Hanna is kind, and doesn't pressure people into doing things they don't want to. She can be a little too meddling sometimes, but really, she is just looking out for her friends. She wants the best for them.

But, Spencer wonders why she is so persistent on pairing Toby up with someone. Sure, there have been a couple times Hanna has mentioned how poor Spencer's love life is, and there have been a few awful blind dates she had arranged, but it is completely different with Toby. She is more persistent—more determined.

Spencer is determined to end her curiosity, just like Hanna is determined on getting Toby a girlfriend.

So, later that night, when she goes to his apartment, a part of her wants to say that she's glad he denied Hanna—ask if he only denied Hanna out of the false likelihood that the girl is actually his soul mate, but she is too fearful of the answer.

But before she can open her mouth to ask the question of why Hanna is so persistent, he is encircling her waist, pushing her against the door, smiling at her, with not only his lips, but with his eyes, too. She feels a jitteriness run through her under his stare, the nerves in the spots beneath his hands coming to the surface.

"Hello," he murmurs.

"Hi," she answers.

And then they are kissing. Because this is how it goes. This is what they do, and the procedure always is the same. Conversation doesn't really find itself between them when they are alone. It doesn't have any room to exist between their crushed together, bodies.

Her hands seek out the skin on his back, and shoulders, and all the space in between. He was wearing the same green shirt at dinner, and his eyes had been ranging on the hue of blue-green. They aren't necessarily better this way. No, his eyes are beautiful in all ways, but it is a change. Something that she isn't used to, or hasn't had time to look at, and she wants to look at them, which is why she pulls away from him. She studies his eyes, as he studies her, a questioning look washing over him.

"Something wrong?" he inquires in a lower voice than usual.

She shakes her head, pushing some of his hair back. "No," she murmurs. "Something wrong with you?" she questions.

He shakes his head, and smiles, "no."

Her smile matches his.

A second later, "now that I think about it…" she murmurs. "This shirt is kind of annoying me," she tugs on the hem, and he laughs, before taking it off.

/

Usually, after, she goes home, or he goes home, depending on where they are, but she still wants to ask the question, and she is determined to get an answer, so she stays. He rolls over and looks at her, not annoyingly, like why-the-hell-are-you-still-here, but amusingly. And she isn't sure what is so funny, but he is laughing, his blue eyes running a shade brighter.

"What?" she demands.

"I don't know," he responds. "This is just funny."

She gives him a curious look.

"Us," he elaborates, another laugh falling out of those perfectly pink lips of his. (Stupid Toby. Stupid eyes. Stupid lips. Stupid amazing sex.)

She just keeps looking at him, not catching the punch line.

"We were sworn enemies a few months ago," he goes on.

"We still are."

This produces another smile on his lips again.

All of the smiles fade away, and she opts up the question, "why is Hanna so insistent of you, dating her friends?" she questions in a quiet voice.

His blue eyes drift away from her, and after a few seconds, she doesn't think he is going to answer. She is about to recoil and say she has to go, or something to just devoid the awkwardness, but he does something strange, and it shocks her to a paralysis. He grabs her hand.

And it shouldn't put her at loss. He has touched her everywhere, has seen everything, has gone all the way, but the simple hand thing sends her into some kind of universe of absolute loss. She doesn't know how to respond, or act, or anything else. She feels nervous, and she is sure her hands are sweating. It doesn't make sense that she is acting this way. She isn't in middle school. This isn't the first time she has ever held hands with a guy.

He begins talking, finally, but she keeps her eyes on his hand, which leans over hers.

"I was dating this girl for like a year and a half," he begins, "I was kind of…in love with her, I guess, and I was even willing to put her before my career. I got offered to go on some tour with this really small band. They wanted me to open for them, and they were small, but it would be an actual tour, but I didn't go. Because it was going so well with her. And we were only dating for, like, six months…but I don't know, it just felt…so…permanent—like this was it, she was the one. Or so I thought." His paragraph breaks. He takes in a controlled breath before continuing on, "at our year and three month mark, she got offered this internship in Washington. She's in law, like you. And she went, and I was supportive, and it was only for the summer…I thought we would be fine. But then…" he stops for a second, "she cheated on me." He pauses again, "she came back, and acted like everything was the same, and I believed her, idiotically. But then this guy showed up from Washington, and he was, like, following her everywhere…so naturally I was worried about her. She told me it was just some guy she met in Washington who liked her, and wouldn't take no for answer. But that wasn't it. I walked in on them one day. I was going to surprise her because I had been at my parents for two weeks, and I was supposed to get back later than I did. And there they were…together," he hisses softly, hurt laced around the words.

She doesn't know what to say besides the typical, "I'm sorry." But she knows that those words are hardly anything to mend a hurt, so her hands decide to help out. Her hand comes to life, her fingers entwining with his. She squeezes them, trying to somehow make him feel better.

"Yeah…" he sighs after a minute. "Life sucks. Anyways, she thinks I'm emotionally damaged, and afraid of relationships, now. And apparently I'm going to die alone. I don't know."

Spencer laughs a little, shaking her head. "Typical Hanna…" the words drift from her lips.

He smiles, "yeah…she's probably going to keep throwing girls at me until I find someone."

Someone. As in not her. He still has to find the girl that will keep Hanna off his back. She doesn't know why she is so surprised, or hurt, by this. They aren't anything. He probably just likes cuddling. And she would make fun of him for it, but she kind of is in the midst of cuddling back, and it would just sound hypocritical.

"Something wrong?" he notices the sudden shift of her smile.

"Nothing," she meets his eyes. "I'm just tired. I should probably get going."

And he nods, but he doesn't let her hand go, and she doesn't let his go, and they just continue lying there. Then, after awhile, her eye lids surrender to sleep.

And for the first time, she stays all the way till morning.

/

She wakes up the next morning, slightly frazzled. She doesn't even remember falling asleep? How could she let herself fall asleep? She has been through this with guys before. She has never let herself fall asleep with them. It was that damn hand holding/cuddling predicament, she is sure of it. Damn it, Toby.

His arm is wrapped around her, and she doesn't know if this little arrangement took hold through her unconsciousness or if she just doesn't remember, but she needs to get out of it without waking him up. Then maybe she can escape without him seeing her.

She gently pulls his arm off her, pushing it to the side. She smiles to herself when she successfully moves off the bed without waking him up.

She stares down at him. He is still shirtless and his hair is horrifyingly messed up, but it somehow works for him.

She begins to dress, and just as she is putting on her socks, her last articles of clothing—so close to being done, and out—he wakes up. Of course.

"Hey," he sits up a little in the bed, looking drowsy, which she cannot deny is cute.

"Hey," she greets back. "Sorry. I guess I fell asleep here last night…" she notes.

"No, it's fine," he shakes his head, a faint smile on his face.

She just nods, and since he is awake, she sits on the bed (it is a lot easier to put socks on when you are sitting down.)

"You can stay for breakfast if you want," he offers.

She isn't sure if it is a genuine offer, or a I'm-only-doing-this-to-be-polite kind of thing. It sounds pretty genuine, but…

"I'll pass. I need to shower," she frowns at the strand of hair in front of her view. She flicks it back behind her ear. She looks back at him, "plus, it's Saturday, which means we have to be at the stupid dance studio in, like, an hour."

"Shit," he groans. "I forgot about that."

"You really hate it that much?" she chuckles.

"Not really…" he comments, and then a second later he smiles, "It is just my partner is kind of a control freak."

She glowers at him, and pushes her hand into his shoulder, making him laugh.

"Maybe she has to be that way. Maybe it's the students fault. Maybe he should learn to control his feet." she retorts after physically assaulting him.

"Maybe," he smiles at her.

She chuckles, standing up, and brushing the imaginary dirt off her shirt. "I'll see you later," she bids.

"Later," his voice meets her after a second.