She lies on the couch, staring at the television, trying to completely disconnect herself, from the world. Zoey is in the kitchen, making dinner. Jackie tries her hardest to feel absolutely nothing. She feels completely exhausted, after a sixteen hour shift. She has yet to find the energy to change out of her scrubs. One of her arms hangs off the side of the couch.
In the other room, Zoey works on dinner. She stirs the pot full of soup. Nothing fancy, for dinner, tonight. All either of them has energy for was a can of soup. Unfortunately the microwave is broken, and has yet to be replaced. As if either of them had the time, for that. As Zoey stirs, in circles, she nearly drifts off.
"Shit!" Jackie hollers, from the other room.
Zoey places the spoon on the spoon rest, and runs into the living room. She flips on the light, and heads for the couch. She stands in front of it, looking at Jackie.
"Are you ok?"
"Turn the light off," Jackie answers.
"Are you ok?"
"I just want to be numb. I don't want to feel anything."
"Is something wrong?"
"Don't worry about it, Zoey."
"Jackie, talk to me."
"Why am I doing this, to myself?"
"Doing, what?"
"Torturing myself."
"You seem to enjoy torturing yourself," Zoey reminds her.
"Not like this. This is just cruel."
"Jackie, I don't know why you're doing this. You never gave me any insight on that."
Jackie sits up. She places her feet on the floor, and pats the seat cushion next to her. Zoey sits down, next to her. She waits, for Jackie to continue.
"I want to do something right."
"What are you talking about? You do stuff right, all of the time. You are an amazing nurse."
"I know that I am a good nurse, that isn't what I am talking about."
"Ok?"
"I want to do something else in my life, right."
"What are you talking about?"
"I have fucked up just about everything I have ever done, in my entire life. I screwed up my marriage. I screwed up being a parent. I screwed up all of the things that really matter."
"I still don't understand."
"Just once in my life, I want to be able to truthfully say, I did everything I was supposed to. I would like to be able to say, that I didn't get high, on my kid's first day of preschool."
"I didn't think that you wanted this."
"I don't know that I do," she admits.
"Then why are you doing it?"
"Maybe you're right. Maybe I don't want this, at all. Maybe I just want a second chance, to do everything right, that I screwed up, the first time. Maybe, there is someone who wants this, and deserves it. The why, isn't very clear to me."
"You're crazy."
"I know that. I also know, that I keep you around, because you hold me accountable."
"So why were you hollering, earlier?"
She shakes her head, "Don't worry about it."
"Tell me," Zoey begs.
"It moved."
"It moved? Are you sure?"
Jackie nods, "Unfortunately."
She lies in her bed that night, wide awake, even though she is completely exhausted. She rests, on her back, staring up at the ceiling. She pushes her covers down. She's wearing a camisole, and a pair of pajama bottoms. She takes a deep breath. Against her better judgment she places her hand on her stomach. It happens, again.
"Really? You're going to be that kid?" she questions, out loud.
She elicits no answer. "I am going to be perfectly honest here; I am not entirely convinced that I can do this. In fact, I pretty sure that I can't. I want to apologize, in advance, for screwing your life up. I also want to point out, that I don't know if I can love you. I don't do a very good job, of loving anyone. I am not sure I even know how to love myself. I'm sorry, about the cards that you got dealt. Goodnight."
Eleanor locks the door, of her office, and closes the blinds. Jackie sits on the couch, looking at her. Eleanor sits down, next to her.
"Are you sure about this?" she questions.
"I'm not sure about anything."
"Don't you have appointment in the next week, or two?"
"Yes," Jackie confirms.
"Then why am I doing this?"
"Because I don't want to wait," Jackie admits.
"You can't wait a week, or two?"
"Just do it," Jackie insists.
O'Hara places the wand of the handheld ultrasound machine on Jackie's stomach. She moves it around, until she finds what she's looking for.
"Well?" Jackie raises an eyebrow.
"I don't want to answer."
"I have to know. I can't handle anymore drama."
"You created this drama," Eleanor reminds her.
"I created a lot of drama, at least one other time."
"Just one?"
"The jury is still out, on the other one."
"Look, I am not comfortable doing this," Eleanor admits.
"It's too late for me to change my mind, don't you think?"
"Technically, no, it's not."
"I am going to do this, if it kills me."
"Ok," Eleanor agrees.
"So?"
"I will tell you, later."
"Later? I will just do it, myself."
"You're going to be disappointed," Eleanor admits.
"Because?"
"Because you really do enjoy drama."