Chapter One
Frisbee
Brian and Jasper, upon reaching Meg's car, pulled out a sheet of plastic from Jasper's backpack and placed it over the backseat. Meg stared at them confusingly, Brian laughed embarrassed that he had to explain, but explain he did.
"We're not exactly the cleanest dogs right now" Brian began, "We've haven't bathed in weeks. The only reason that you're not throwing up right now is because of heavy doses of Listerine and body spray."
Meg sniffed and realized that he was right, for there was an unusual amount of Listerine and Axe body spray in the air. She shrugged and walked around to the driver's side.
"That's okay" Meg said, "You can both use the shower at home. Now get in."
Brian and Jasper plied in the backseat, their packs at their feet. Meg strapped her seatbelt in, causing Brian and Jasper to do the same, for they only used the seatbelt if the driver was using one. The dogs then ran their paws through their heads, shaking off excess fur from shedding. Meg turned around, for they were making a considerable amount of noise in the process.
"Take it easy guys" Meg pleaded, "I just vacuumed this car yesterday. I don't want to have to do it again."
Brian and Jasper stopped and looked apologetically at Meg, both of them saying nothing and their eyes expressing slight guilt and shame for their lack of manners. Meg rolled her eyes, for it wasn't as big a deal as she made it out to be, it was just the principle of the thing. Meg, to keep the mood alive, started to search for topics that they covered.
"So Brian" Meg began curiously, "What do you do?"
Brian shrugged, he didn't really do anything, technically speaking he wasn't a citizen, he was just another animal who by moral and ethical standards was allowed to live in houses, walk on two legs freely and drive a car. He was unofficially educated at Texas AM, for he was close friends with one of the professors there, other than that he had no formal education. Jasper was in a similar situation, for he also wasn't a citizen and was allowed the same liberties as Brian, the main difference between them are that while Brian had some level of education, Jasper didn't have any. That is not to say that Jasper is stupid, for he is smart when it comes to people and understanding them, something that Brian is, in these terms, brain dead in.
Jasper rolled his eyes in disbelief towards Brian; he turned towards Meg and gave an answer. "He's a writer. Working on his autobiography, I'm helping him fill in the details."
Meg nodded in understanding and asked the same question to Jasper, who lit up upon hearing it, "Oh all sorts of things" Jasper said excitedly, "I'm a musician, a fashion designer, a skydiving instructor, a painter, I could go on."
Brian sighed annoyingly, for Jasper obviously misinterpreted Meg's question, "Those are things that you've done dunderhead" Brian replied, "She's talking about an actual job, one where you get money for doing it."
Jasper nodded, for now he understood, "I see" he said rebuking his statement, "Well in that case nothing. I take care of Brian and he takes care of me. That's what we do, that's all we've ever done really, be there for each other."
Meg turned on Spooner Street; the Griffin house came into view.
"There is it gentlemen" Meg said proudly, "Home sweet home."
Brian and Jasper's tails wagged in anticipation of full bellies, showers, shaves and a bed. For too long all they had in terms of sleeping arrangement was a single sleeping bag that they shared between them, alternating between nights while the other got the ground and a ragged blanket. They were true strays, if you had to give them a label.
Pulling into the driveway, Meg noticed that Peter, his father was in a tree with a rake trying to get a Frisbee that had ended up on the roof. Upon seeing his daughter Peter smiled and gave a short wave, Meg waved back and looked up at him curiously.
"What are you doing?" she asked
"Getting Stewie's Frisbee" Peter answered, "Some of the neighborhood bullies threw it up here."
The dogs sniffed the air, their noses leading them across the street to Cleveland Brown's house; from there they headed about five houses down.
"Anyway" Peter continued as he once again tried for the Frisbee, "What's up with you?"
"I brought some guests for dinner" Meg began, "They just got into town, I think from Harrisburg."
Peter laughed, "And where are these guests of yours Meg?"
Meg looked around and saw that she was alone; she stood there confused for several seconds. Eventually she came to the conclusion that she must have imagined the whole thing, for talking dogs that walked on two legs and actually had interesting things to say just couldn't be possible.
Brian and Jasper walked up to the door of the house that they stopped in front of. Brian turned to Jasper
"Are you sure this is the place? My nose isn't as good as yours. Check again."
Jasper took a deep whiff of the air and nodded, "Yup this is the place Brian. So what's the plan?"
Brian smiled and pulled out a rope and a burlap sack from his backpack, Jasper smiled back and rang the doorbell. The door opened, Brian hid the rope and sack behind his back and let Jasper do the talking.
Standing in the doorway was a teenage boy, about 17. He was your typical jock type character- red letterman jacket, blue jeans, army buzz cut and a large zit on his chin that looked like Mount Vesuvius. In addition to his appearance, his breath smelled of garlic and he spat exactly like Steven McNealy- strong and with long range.
Jasper put on his salesman persona, a friendly smile, a slight lean forward, head cocked to one side favoring the left ear, letting the right flop in the wind and a nice slow voice that could be easily understood.
"Whatever you're selling, I'm not buying" the seventeen-year old said bluntly
"Hi" Jasper replied, ignoring him completely, "Are you the one who chucked a Frisbee on the roof on that house over there?"
"Yeah" he answered, "Why, you here to force me to get it?"
Brian laughed sarcastically, "Oh he's good" he exclaimed, more to Jasper than to the kid but the kid still heard it anyway.
"Well you can stop wasting your time" the kid continued, "Cause I ain't getting nothing from no roof."
Jasper and Brian nodded, "We were hoping you'd say that" they answered in unison.
Before the kid had a chance to respond, Jasper punched him in the face and in the groin, this gave Brian an opportunity to tie him up and put the bag over his head.
"Bag him and drag him Jasper" Brian exclaimed, "Let's teach this asshole a lesson not to mess with little kids."
"You're making him sound like a pedophile Brian" Jasper answered with concern, "He's just a jerk to kids and Frisbees, not kidnapping kids and playing with their willies."
Brian sighed deeply, "Jasper if you're going to say it, at least say it right. It's not willy, its penis. So say right or not at all."
Jasper picked up the kid's head while Brian grabbed his feet, the dogs then ran down the street as fast as they were able, just as Steven McNealy came to the door looking after them in confusion and completely disbelief.
Peter meanwhile was still trying to get the Frisbee off of the roof; Meg, Lois, Stewie and Chris were looking on wondering if he was going to succeed.
"You're never going to get it down" Lois said, "We can just buy Stewie a new one."
"I never really liked Frisbee anyway" Stewie declared mostly to himself but also to his mother
Peter huffed and shook his head, refusing to give up, "No Lois. I will get this Frisbee if it's the last thing I do. Besides it's the principle of the thing."
Brian and Jasper came up, their captive screaming to be set free.
"Will you shut up?" Brian said annoyingly
"Yeah" Jasper continued, "No one likes a chatterbox. Especially me, and I should know cause I can go on for hours. Why one time I talked for about-"
"Jasper" Brian yelled, "You're doing it again."
Jasper shook his head, getting his thoughts in order.
Meg and the others, including Peter, stared at the dogs as if they were mentally insane. Brian stood the kid up and took off the sack.
Brian turned towards Peter and gestured towards the captive.
"Is this him?" he asked
Peter nodded, "Well what do you know? Sunday McNealy, the shittiest guy on the face of the Earth? So what you get your kicks from bullying little kids?"
Sunday shook his head nervously, "No sir" he replied as tears welled up in his eyes. Jasper punched him in the gut at this.
"Stop lying you shitbag" Jasper growled, "Tell him what you told us before I break your legs!"
Brian pulled out a crowbar from his pack in preparation; Jasper held on to Sunday with one paw and with the other pulled out a baseball bat.
"This can go one of two ways" Brian began as he casually twirled the crowbar around in a circle, "You can climb up in the tree and get the Frisbee or my associate and I throw you up there. So what's it going to be Sunday?"
Meg was staring at Sunday's body as if he were a TV; her eyes were glued to him and almost bulging out of her head. Stewie noticed this and couldn't help but scoff
"Are you serious?" Stewie asked sarcastically, "You like this douche? The guy who threw my Frisbee up on the roof is your new crush? Great, this is just prefect Stew, now you have another thing to worry about."
Meg didn't hear him, for she was lost in her own world, much like Jasper was all too often, only she was actually conscious of her surroundings and it was completely voluntary, unlike Jasper who was the opposite of this in every possible way.
Brian and Jasper began beating Sunday's legs, as soon as Sunday hit the ground Brian brought him back to his feet and pushed him towards the tree. Peter was on the ground at this point watching the scene and yet doing nothing, getting satisfaction from seeing that justice was being done.
"Now get the Frisbee asshole" Brian and Jasper yelled, "And make it quick!"
Sunday began climbing the tree. Chris and Lois looked towards the dogs.
"And you are?" Chris said slowly, slightly terrified at the sight of Sunday getting beaten for throwing a Frisbee on a roof.
Jasper answered for him, "I'm Jasper, that's Brian. We're drifters...you sister Meg was gracious enough to invite us for dinner. We are not men in dog suits, we are real 100% dog, we have no interest in banging her and even if we did we would be panting, howling and doing everything possible to get in her pants right now expect what we're doing right now. I have a social disorder, Brian has an inferiority complex. We have no home, we've been living on the road for years and neither of us have stable sources of income."
There was a long silence.
"Does that cover everything?"
Sunday reached the roof and picked up the Frisbee. Brian tapped Jasper on the shoulder and cupped his paws as if he were about to do throw him.
"Alright" Jasper said to Sunday as he put his hind legs in Brian's paws, "When I say so you're going to throw the Frisbee."
Sunday nodded in understanding. Jasper looked down at Brian who gave a wink and a smile in response. Jasper gave the signal for Sunday to throw the Frisbee, Brian, at the same time, threw Jasper in the air. Jasper caught the Frisbee in his mouth and threw it to Brian, who jumped up in the air doing a front flip as he landed. Brian then threw it back to Jasper, who threw it to Peter as he landed on his feet spreading his arms out to their full extent as if he just did the horse at the Olympics.
"Thank you, thank you" Jasper said putting on the extra ham, "No need for applause, gratitude is all I ask."
"I'm sorry" Lois said extremely confused, "But who the hell are you? Really?"
Brian and Jasper laughed, Meg rolled her eyes playfully and walked inside.
Stewie grabbed the Frisbee from Peter and threw it towards Jasper, who caught it in his mouth and wagged his tail in the process. Brian laughed, ruffled Jasper's fur on his head and walked inside with Jasper following close behind. Sunday was still on the roof.