She wakes up, and it takes her a moment to reorient herself. She looks over, and finds Zoey sitting in a chair next to her. She looks down, towards her chest. She finds Caleb there, sleeping.
"The doctor is going to be in soon to decide whether or not the two of you can go home."
"Ok."
An hour later the doctor has come and gone. The baby has returned from the nursery too, after his exam. Jackie sits on the edge of the bed to sign release papers, and Zoey places the overnight bag on her bed.
"Why don't you go get dressed?"
Jackie doesn't say anything.
"I put your camera back in the bag."
Jackie remains silent, she just stares at the little boy that she's holding.
"I can hold him. We have to put him in the car seat anyway."
"This is just surreal," she admits.
"Which part of it?"
"All of it."
"Go get dressed, I think that I can handle watching him for two minutes. He is already dressed."
"Okay," Jackie agrees, reluctantly. She grabs the bag, and heads into the bathroom.
Zoey places the car seat on the bed. She lays Caleb on the bed, wrapped in his blanket. He wears a striped green hat.
"Sorry Caleb, but I am going to have to uncover you," she apologizes in advance.
She carefully unwraps the blanket that he is swaddled in. She studies him, for a moment. He wears a striped green sleeper that matches his cap. She carefully scoops him off the bed, and lifts him into the car seat.
In the bathroom Jackie quickly gets dressed. Once she's dressed she quickly brushes her teeth. As she brushes her teeth she catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She spits out the toothpaste, and rinses the toothbrush off. She places the toothbrush back in the bag, and looks at the reflection in the mirror.
Her hair is pulled back into a bun. She looks pale, and there are dark circles under her eyes. She wonders if her looks have always been so transparent. She looks exhausted. She thinks about the baby in the other room, but her mind too quickly wanders to other things. She finds herself lusting after pills. Pills she can't have. She just wants one.
She shakes her head. There is no such thing as just one. Her abdomen aches, and she is all too quickly reminded that her physical pain is real. But it is not the physical pain that bothers her. It is the emotional anguish that she fears. The thought of raising another child makes her cringe. The thought of doing it on her own makes her wish for a pill. Just one to give her energy to get her through the day.
She looks at the sharps container on the wall. Certainly there are needles, and used IV catheters inside. Towards the top of the pile of biohazard waste she sees a pill. One lovely blue pill. Her mind starts to venture down a devious path, thinking about how to retrieve it. The sound of crying in the other room brings her back to reality. It makes her feel guilty for even thinking about a pill.
She grabs her bag, and leaves the bathroom. Her heart aches upon hearing the baby cry. She flocks towards him. She finds him in the car seat making a dissatisfied face. She looks at Zoey.
"What did you do, pinch him?"
"No. The second that I fastened him in he started crying. I didn't do anything."
Jackie hands Zoey the bag, and sits down next to the car seat. She grabs a pacifier out of the diaper bag. She looks at her squalling newborn son.
"Caleb, you're fine," she insists as she places the pacifier in his mouth. He spits the pacifier out, and looks up at her. "I'm right here." His angry face dissipates.
"Are you ready?" Zoey queries.
"As I'll ever be," she admits.
"Then let's go."
Before they can get out of the building the baby is crying again. Zoey fastens him into the backseat of the car. Jackie slides in, next to him. She wonders if this is how things are going to be from here on out.
"Please tell me this is not an indicator of how you are going to be from here on out."
He pauses, and looks over at her.
"Jackie I think he is just that attached to you," she points out.
Jackie caresses his cheek, with her finger, "Is that the problem? You just don't want me out of your sight?"
He blinks in response, and then closes his eyes as the car starts to move. He sleeps the entire ride home.
That night, before she goes to bed, she stands over his crib, just watching him. He has just been fed, and changed, and she prays that he is asleep for the night. She yawns as she stands in his room that is lit up by the lamp. She looks at her watch, and realizes how late it is getting. She flips off the lamp, and leaves the room. She leaves the door open, and crosses the hall. She goes into her bedroom, and grabs a pair of pajamas. She heads into the bathroom, and turns on the shower. She is in the middle of massaging shampoo into her scalp when he starts to cry. She quickly rinses, dries off, and clumsily gets dressed. With the shower turned off the heads into his room. She lifts him out of the crib, and into her arms.
"You're okay, go back to sleep," she insists.
He quiets down, and after a couple of moments she returns him to his crib. He starts crying again, before she can leave the room. In frustration she picks him up, and carries him into her bedroom. She double checks the clock.
"There is no way that you are hungry, you just finished eating ten minutes ago."
He looks up at her with heavy eyelids. She pulls down the covers, and climbs into the bed. She flips off her lamp, and places him against her chest. She pats him until he falls asleep. When she is certain that he is asleep she walks over to the bassinet in her room, and places him inside.
She climbs back under the covers, and closes her eyes. She prays that sleep will come soon, and he will stay asleep for a couple of hours. He isn't in the bassinet for five minutes before he starts to cry again. Sheepishly, she moves across the room, towards him. She carries him back to the bed, and takes the blanket that he is swaddled in off. He snuggles up, against her chest. Exhausted, she gives into his need to be with her every single moment.
She wakes up, hours later to the sound of him sucking on his fingers. She flips on the lamp, and studies the clock. It tells her they have successfully managed to sleep for three hours. His eyes are wide open, as he lays with his ear pressed against her chest. She looks at him, as most of his hand is in his mouth.
"The thumb didn't taste good?" she questions noting that it is the only finger not in his mouth. "Are you a hungry guy? Huh?"
He starts to whimper, in response.