I was sitting backstage. I was alone as Paul was out in the ring doing some segment or other. He was doing everything really, my dad wasn't there as he couldn't face work and although I was there I just couldn't do anything properly. I couldn't concentrate on anything.

As I said Paul was in the ring, he was coping better than I was, but then it wasn't his mom that died. He had been there for me the whole time but right then he wasn't. I must have looked a mess because John came and sat next to me, "Stephanie are you okay? You've been crying.

I remember looking at him and saying, "Am I okay? I will never be okay!"

He put his hand on my shoulder, "Don't say that Steph, I know it hurts right now but your mom wouldn't want you to say something like that."

I wanted to explode at him and yell that he didn't know anything about what my mom would want but it didn't happen. I couldn't do it. I didn't have the energy I guess.

He must have seen in my eyes how much I was hurting because he said, "Come here Steph," and then he hugged me. I felt no attraction to John but it felt so nice just to be held by someone. It comforted me. I guess what I said next set it all in motion, he must have got the wrong idea. I pulled away a little and looked in his eyes, "Thank you John, that felt good."

Then he did it. He said, "I'm always here if you need me," and leaned into me and kissed me. I was so shocked it took me at least a second to react maybe more but then I pushed him away. He jumped up and said, "God Steph I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that, I'm really sorry," and he hurriedly walked away. I guess that I carried the thought that he wanted me in my head from that point.

I guess it was a week later, maybe two. The days all kind of blur together around that time to be honest and I don't know. There was some press conference that my dad and John were supposed to speak at but my dad was having a tough day and he asked me to go instead.

I didn't really mind, I was just kind of drifting around is the only way I could describe it. I was doing things at home and at work but I wasn't really concentrating on any of it. I couldn't focus on anything. I guess we know why now but then I was just drifting through life on autopilot.

I got through my speech okay but by the time John and I got back in the limo I was exhausted. I remember John saying, "Are you okay Steph, you don't look so good?"

I don't think I answered him, I think I just sat there. I know he said, "Is there anything I can do?"

I don't know why I said it. I know you want me to tell you what I was thinking and why I said it but I don't know. I moved closer to him and said, "Kiss me John."

He moved a little further away from me, "Steph that's not a good idea. I'm sorry about before that was my bad okay?"

I moved closer to him, he couldn't move back any more he was against the door, "Just do it John, kiss me." I grabbed him and started kissing him but he pushed me away, "You don't want to do this. I don't know what's going on with you but this is a bad idea."

I really don't know what had happened in my head but suddenly I'd grabbed him and pulled him down onto the seat and I had climbed on top of him. I started trying to get his jeans open. He didn't try to stop me but he said, "Steph, what the fuck are you doing?"

"Just do it John, we both want it!"

It was quick and it was passionless and as soon as it was over I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life. The next thing I remember is I was sitting at the opposite end of the seat to him and I had my legs tucked under my chin again just like that day on my kitchen floor. Neither of us said anything for a while. I guess John was trying to figure out what the hell had just happened. Eventually he said, "Steph..."

As soon as he spoke I cut him off, "You shouldn't have done that John."

He looked panicked now. I wonder if he already knew where this was heading? His voice was quiet, "What do you mean 'you' shouldn't have done that? We both did it and you practically made me!"

He kept trying to talk to me for the rest of the journey but I don't think I said anything else. I think I just sat there. All I could think about was how I felt inside. I can't describe it. Like I could never be so alone and so unhappy and I wanted to die. Then I thought about Paul and the girls and that started me thinking about what would happen if John told anyone what had just happened. I couldn't lose my husband or my kids. I had to get John out of my life before he could ruin it. That was all that I could think. I guess I spent like three months thinking that.

The doctor cut in, "Okay Stephanie, I think I'm going to call it for today. That was the best session we have had so far. Take five minutes and I'll go and see if your husband is here to take you home." He handed her a bunch of tissues to dry her eyes and left the room.

Paul saw him walk out of the door and stood, "How did it go doc?"

The doctor walked over and nodded, "Very well, I think we are getting close to the point I talked to you about. Your wife will open up to you soon but remember you can't encourage her or pressure her into it. Let her do it when she feels comfortable. When she has told you and the rest of her family the same story that she had told me I will be ready to say goodbye to her."

Paul was so relieved, "Thank you doc, you've done an amazing job."

The doc slapped him on the shoulder, "That's why you pay what you pay."

The door opened again and Stephanie came out. Paul hugged and kissed her, "I heard it went well this afternoon honey?"

"I guess." She turned to her doctor, "Can I ask you a question doc?"

He smiled, "Of course."

"Why do you do this job? Why do you listen to messed up people like me for a living?"

"Simple answer? People interest me."

She looked embarrassed by that, "Do I interest you?"

He laughed loudly, "Yes Stephanie, you definitely interest me."