The months went by and the two spent many more nights together, although after that night Piper didn't ask for any more cigarettes, and they never spoke about that kiss. As senior year rolled in they seemed on good terms, but there was this unspoken awkwardness between them. Piper couldn't help but feel as if Alex was slipping away. She was becoming more and more distant and it was driving her insane, she had no idea what she had done to push the girl away but she couldn't stand losing her. Piper had had several more 'boyfriends' in the past few months, but it never felt quite right with them, it was always just bland. She didn't let herself think about the passion her and Alex had shared that night, she told herself it was a mistake although she didn't really believe that.

She completely failed to see the pattern that was emerging; Piper would start to see a boy, they would go on a few dates, faux happiness, and she would try to convince herself that she was crazy about the guy. Meanwhile, Alex would hear about this and it would spark a series of one night stands and nights of drunken chain-smoking. Piper would be mad at Alex for being so irresponsible, and Alex would be mad at everyone, just because she could. The two would become irritated and get driven apart. Then, Piper and her boyfriend would break up. 'Devastated', she would go to Alex craving comfort, and Alex found she was helpless to resist. On and on the cycle would go, and the more time passed the more Alex deteriorated. Before long she had become little more than a burnout, and Piper had started to see more of her old friends again. Still, they never talked about that kiss.

Although she tried to kid herself into not knowing what was wrong, Piper still lay awake at nights, thinking about the girl who - no matter how far apart they drifted - she couldn't bring herself to stop referring to as her best friend.

Alex woke to the sound of snoring grating against her pounding headache, she had that brief moment of panic that comes with waking up in an unfamiliar place before letting out a groan. She hadn't meant to stay over. Careful not to wake the sleeping girl next to her she got up and retrieved last night's clothes from around the room. Trying not to remember whatever sexual encounter she'd had with the redhead on the bed.

She lit a cigarette and started the long walk back home. Was it Wednesday? She thought, frowning, Thursday maybe? Either way there was no way she was going to make it into school today. She couldn't deal with that. She took out her phone to check the time, ignoring today's messages.

08:05. Hey

09:10. ?

09:30. Alex?

Half of her wanted to text Piper back, to see her, but she knew she couldn't do that. She was still too damn mad, she didn't even know who she was mad at anymore. She wasn't mad at Piper for breaking off the kiss, if she didn't want to kiss her that was fine, she could deal with that, it was just the fact that they hadn't even talked about it. They just acted like it had never happened, brushed it under the rug. Alex had guessed by now that it was an example of the way she was influenced by her mother, although she'd never met the woman. That was another thing, half of the time it was like Piper was ashamed to be her friend.

She lit another cigarette, fumbling with the lighter in a frustrated rush.

That same half of Alex wanted to apologise for kissing her, to call her up and just say that she was sorry, that she hated how everything had changed, that she missed her. But apologies didn't come easy to Alex Vause, she was stubborn, and 'sorry' was one of those things she felt she should never need to say.

It was impossible to deny the way she loved Piper, it had become impossible ever since that kiss, however long ago it was and however many girls she had kissed since, it didn't make any difference. She had never felt anything like that before, and she hadn't been able to get the blonde out of her head since. She knew she'd felt it too, whatever it was.

Angrily she kicked a stone across the sidewalk, Jesus fucking Christ, she thought to herself, I am pretty much the master at handling things completely wrong.

Her phone buzzed again, sparking another fresh bout of anger, she quickly removed it from her pocket, ready to tell Piper to leave her alone. However, looking at the name on the screen, she felt both relieved and slightly disappointed, Nicky.

Party on Friday, you're coming. C'mon Vause, you've got to quit moping around - it's ruining my style.

Alex was ready to refuse, when she started to think about it. A party would probably be a good idea, and it had been a while since she'd seen Nicky. The whole thing would be a good distraction. She typed back, agreeing to go, and continued to make her way home, trying not to think.

"Pipes? Are you listening?"

Piper snapped out of her daydream and stared at Larry for a moment before assuring him that she was indeed listening. Larry was her latest squeeze, and the way he used her nickname really grated on her last nerve. He was a nice enough guy, and she did like him - well, she liked the convenience, the comfort - but he was always going on about his dream to move to New York and become a writer. She'd heard it all before, and it was becoming tiresome, so she had a tendency to drift off and get lost in thought.

It was the same when they 'made love'. He was just boring, bland. She always felt like they were just going through the motions, although he seemed to enjoy it well enough. It was easy for her to imagine a life with him, and that terrified her, she could see it all planned out. A life without passion, without excitement. She sighed, trying for the hundredth time that day not to think about Alex.

She didn't know what had happened between them, well, that was a lie, and one she told herself frequently. She couldn't stop herself from being angry, angry at Alex for ignoring her, for just slipping away, and angry at herself for not being able to face up to what's really going on. She had gotten accustomed to reminding herself she was straight multiple times daily, feigning disgust at any thoughts she had that veered from that path. However, she had started noticing things about the girls around her, the curve of their hips, the way they moved, the way their lips looked when they talked, she found herself comparing them all to Alex, trying to find bits of her in them. Trying to figure out her feelings made her sick with nerves, so she put it off for as long as possible.

"So, will you come?"

She looked up again, feeling guilty for not listening to her boyfriend.

"Where are we going?" She asked, not really all that interested in the answer.

"Pete's having a party on Friday, I kinda already told him we'd be there" Her feelings of guilt intensified as she noticed how apologetic he sounded.

"Sure" She made a point of smiling widely, the same smile she'd been practicing all her life; fake, fake, fake. "A party sounds great."

He seemed satisfied with this response and leaned in for a kiss.

"You know what else sounds great?" He said in between kisses, the word 'sex' was pretty much plastered all over his face.

Why am I doing this, she thought to herself, surrendering to another night of copulation that is almost guaranteed to be as exciting as the colour beige.