Music Inspiration: Let me love you, sung by Jake Puckerman. I mention the music as inspiration because the words are relevant, and sharing my muse adds impact to the story.
Rating and Warning: M
Ownership: I don't own Glee, but this story I do. Oh I own the receipt for the deposit of Season 5 on dvd.
Dedication: For those who can't decide who they're attracted to, those who lie to themselves. And those not brave enough to act on their impulses.
I don't have any association with anyone for music. I've purchased all that I listen to. But if you're going to buy anything, please don't go down the pirate road. Worst thing to do. I don't ship pirates.
Thank you: To my collection of supporters, esp those who've read my And Now! Drum Roll Please? You guyz should notice how I'll be twisting the actual episodes, with my story. Hmmm….. So read, enjoy, review, follow, fave, just don't forget – if you read this elsewhere, it's my imagination first.
~ Converting Kurt E Hummel ~ Ch 23 Heart ~
Blaine has been thumbing his coffee cup for such a while, dragging it over the cover of the little book, then back to the coffee cup. He takes a sip of the cold drink, his other hand picking up the book once more.
"Shit!" He puts the cup down and brings said book to his nose. The letters KEH are printed in the top right hand corner, on an angle, in black ink. They stand out on the tan cover, the smell of leather making Blaine's back tingle down to his hips. His eyes close as he leans the book on his forehead.
Imagining Kurt right in front of him, he thinks of reaching out for a last hug. "Oh!" Reality hits as the taste of the book is bitter too. He opens his eyes, puts the book back down carefully on the table, smoothing the cover. He moves the coffee cup to the next table and checks that his parents aren't about to walk in on him, in his kitchen.
He sits back on the kitchen chair and pulls a leg over his knee. He lifts the book up and does what will change his world, what will change everything, he opens the book and flips through the pages…
Dear Diary,
Sorry for the handwriting, it's still messed up since he {Chandler}, you know that guy, messed me up. The Doctor says it'll get better, I just have to keep trying.
You know how I started writing in you to sort out how to explain to Dad that I was gay? Well, Blaine did the same to explain to his Dad.
Now I'm writing in you to help figure out how I'm not gay. Yeah, go figure. And hopefully I can rewrite and send something to Blaine, to help him understand.
This is about yesterday, I'm writing now though, so that's a good sign, right?
Any how, Valentine's day is coming, one of my fave days of the year. Blaine is held up at home, his parents have him on bed rest until after his eye operation.
He's sent me a Valentine day card everyday this week, they're cute but also annoying. Not having seen him for so long, or heard from him, you'd think my heart would've grown fonder for him? But no, I've been able to study more easily and those bow ties, ugh! I also haven't missed.
I've been watching Sugar and her little banter with Artie and Rory has been quite entertaining.
But get this, every now and then I've caught her looking at me too. Oh I could think she's just looking in my direction and not think too much of it, but there is something definitely different about how she's checking me out, and she's blushing too.
She argues with me every chance she can, but …, but there is definitely something weird happening there. Anyhow… I find I'm thinking of her more and more, and I have to really force myself to think of Blaine. Especially when someone asks about him, I take moments to realize who they're asking about.
I actually answered Rachel about Sugar, she had to tell me she was asking about Blaine, and I said who?
Other than it being about Blaine, my problem is now girls. I'm gay, have been since I can think about it, actually may be I'm bi? I adore Blaine, he's been my best friend for such a long time, and oh how I loved his nibbles and…. but wait, no I used to love his nibbles and …., but not anymore.
All those magazines April gave me, I was looking through them just yesterday and absolutely nothing …. Not even a sniff of a rise or interest, I boxed them up and have hid 'em in the back of my wardrobe.
So if I'm not bi, if I'm not even interested in guyz, well that means I'm not gay doesn't it? My head hurts too much. I can't figure this out, my head just keeps getting Sugar pushing through my thoughts.
I'd never had a boyfriend before Blaine, and I've never noticed girlz noticing me before, so may be that's a point.
I've had girlz just interested in me for my fashion sense and cooking tips, Rachel and Mercedes have slept over and I've slept over with them, but as a good friend, that is not the vibe I'm getting from Sugar.
And this vibe is unravelling my insides.
See you later Diary, I need a break.
Blaine ear marks the page for later. He makes another coffee and walks to the kitchen window with it. Watching the autumn leaves falling from the trees, the sky is full of half heavy clouds, pockets of white mixed with the light grey ones and the darker ones threatening to fall.
The wind is holding off, his neighbours dog is loose again in their backyard, he sees Blaine and goes for a tennis ball at the fence line. He picks the ball up and brings it to Blaine, he puts the ball down, sits with his tail wagging and a happy panting puppy face.
"Not today Buster." He says through the window panes, "Sorry Buster."
Finishing his drink he puts the cup in the sink, picks up the book and goes down the hall to the stair case leading up to his bedroom. Climbing them, he can't help from imagining Kurt walking alongside him, like he used to so many times before.
Blaine stops, one hand on the railing the other with the book, alongside his leg. He looks at the book in his hand, for a moment he can picture Kurt's hand in its place, holding his hand tightly.
Holding in an interested and excited way, as Blaine led him up to his room, for their first time together.
That was after the class performance of West Side Story. Kurt came back to Blaine's house, they had a snack, sat by the fireplace and toasted marshmallows. He sighs at the thrilling memory of cuddling up by the fire, kissing gently and then letting nature take over.
"You take my breath away." Kurt had said. "And not just tonight up on the stage, but …" His arms wrapped around Blaine's neck so tight, Blaine's holding around Kurt's waist even tighter.
"But when?" he forces himself to continue up the stairs, "When did it change so much?"
As he puts his hand on his bedroom door handle, the guest handle moves down and opens. A smile of hello beautiful slides onto him. "Morning Tina."
"Morning Blaine, I've tidied up and put the washing in the basket."
"Honestly, you needn't have. And I've been thinking, " pulls his own door closed once more, flips a foot under the other and leans against the wall, just like Tina wishes he wouldn't, this is how adorable he looks, and leans against the door frame. "What's say, that seeing as you stay over so much that we call this your room? Here me out." He raises his hand to her beginning protest, puts the book under his arm and grabs her hands. "I've already spoken to Mum and she's organizing a new guest room."
"Well, gosh Blaine." He's never going to change for her, and she'll accept any morsel of affection. "Sure, that would be wonderful."
"Great." A kiss to her forehead. "I'm going to go change, I'll be down in a bit."
He leaves her standing there, smiling wide and momentarily confused. She turns and carefully walks down the stair case, admiring all the photos on the walls, as she goes.
Stopping at the hat stand, by the door, she rearranges the coats and shoes, bits and bobs.
Picking up the edge of a scarf, she lifts it into the air and watches it fall back to place.
Place, somewhere else to call home. As she saunters to the kitchen, happiness fills her lungs and she twirls one, two, three steps around and sits on a breakfast stool.
She taps her fingers on the bench, looking around and wondering what to have for breakfast.
The pantry catches her eye, and the feeling of being an outsider, of his family, leaves her. As she opens the doors, solid half bottoms and mesh half tops, the pantry light comes on.
She steps in, and is gob smacked from the amount of food and how organized it is. "Totally perfect." She grabs the cornflakes, sugar and a banana from the fruit bowl and heads back out to the kitchen.
Placing the items on the bench, she looks for the crockery cupboard and cutler drawer. On this side of the kitchen island, feeling a little stranger than normal, guessing where they are is more challenging than knowing, when she was on the other side of the island.
While she prepares breakfast, she quietly sings. "Let me love you," two bowls on the table, " and I will love you," spoons to a single side and a glass on the opposite, " until you learn to love yourself…"
She turns to the fridge, "la la la laaaa, da da daaaa, hmmmm," Milk, juice are picked up and swung through the air for the table. "Da da daaaa, boom, boom, boooommm."
She hears him coming down the stairs, none too quietly. He jumps at the base of the stairs. She quickly sits and pushes his chair out.
"Let me love you, " sung a little louder as he comes in to the room, "and I will love you."
He blushes, "Tina, you're so sweet." A kiss to her cheek and he sits, holding her hand.
She taps the back of his, "Well, you're sweet too Blaine."
"Now, about …." A giggly voice takes him over. "last night." He begins to pour his cereal and she smiles wide expecting a conversation of some sort.
As he puts the milk carton down, his eyes meet hers, waiting. "How much impact do you think I made on him?"
Extra kute author notes: or question: Are we happy with how this is coming along?