CHAPTER TWELVE
I didn't go to Barney's. As nice as that sounded when I got into my car and drove off leaving Edward in the middle of the street with his bag full of sandwiches, Barney's was the last place I wanted to think of. Barney's wasn't going to bring me happiness. Instead I drove home and walked into my house, set my alarms and went upstairs to my room.
Same old thing. This was my life. Takeout food and eating Cherry Garcia from the container in bed would be the highlights. I tried to snap myself out of it especially when I realized that I was acting like I had just been dumped. I felt pathetic but I didn't want to leave my bed. The doorbell rang and I couldn't care less on who was there. If it was Michael, let him break down the door to see if he and my father finally got their wish to hopefully find me inside long gone. One less expensive-ass bill every month. If it was Edward…fuck him.
The days past and I hadn't called once for takeout food. I didn't want anyone to see me like this. No makeup, no shower, and the same clothes day after day. I didn't want any human interaction so I made do on the food I had bought when I went grocery shopping. However it was running thin and I couldn't make meals on Cherry Garcia any longer.
I missed my shift at Horizons on Tuesday and it wasn't looking promising for Thursday either. And why should I go back? What possible reason was there for someone who is so selfish like myself to go and spend their valuable time serving homeless people meals. Surely a person like myself shouldn't step foot in a place like that.
It wasn't until Friday when I stepped on my scale and saw that I had gained five pounds that I realized that if I kept going down this path, my only revenge to people like Edward and my father was that they would need a crane to lift my lifeless body from my house when I finally did do myself in. With nothing else in my life to keep me distracted I had no choice but to go back to Horizons. At least that's what I told myself. But on the bright side I did have a brand new shirt waiting for me I thought bitterly.
"Bella! Uh…are you okay? We've been worried about you." Alice quickly came to the front door when I walked in Friday late afternoon.
"Why? I'm here for my shift, like I said I would be."
"It's…Friday…I thought you were going to come in on Tuesdays and Thursdays…" She cringed sensing my foul mood.
"And Saturdays when I felt like it. So I'm just really early."
"What about Tuesday and Thursday…I tried to go by your house but there was no answer." She replied.
"I've been…sick. Do you need a doctor's note or something?" I replied irritated.
"No…I've just been worried about you. Edward said…"
"What did Edward say? Did he tell you that I refused to help out homeless people and left him in the middle of whatever hole he crawled out of completely vapid and unable to speak to any of his…friends?"
"No…he told me…that he fucked up again. He…" She sighed, "He never has patience with you and he always seems to mess up big. He's been really worried about you."
I laughed shortly, "Worried about me? I'm not the one sleeping on the streets. Anyways, do you want me here or not?"
"Yes…of course. Let me go and get you a new shirt. I'm sure you'll love these ones."
I'm sure I won't.
She ran off probably happy to get away from me. I walked through the entry way and tables of the cafeteria. I could hear the normal sounds coming from behind the swinging door but I didn't want to look in and see if they were being made from Edward. Lunch was over so now it was all about getting ready for dinner. I wonder what would be on the menu for tonight.
"Here you go." Alice came buzzing back in with a sky blue shirt in her hands.
"It's blue." I commented surprised.
"With a cute little sun on the upper left chest. Aren't they adorable?" she beamed.
"Yeah…I like it."
Alice swelled with pride for the first positive remark to come out of my mouth.
"Well, if you would like to go and get changed, then if you could start with mopping the floors that would be great." She said quickly reminding me that I wasn't here for a fashion show.
I had never mopped a day in my life so I could already imagine all the ways this was going to go horribly wrong.
"Oh and I really hope you don't mind but since we've been light on help the past couple of days…I had no choice but to invite Rosalie and my brother. They should be here shortly."
The blonde one. Just what my day needed.
I quickly changed and returned to the cafeteria. There was a bucket and mop waiting for me. I picked up the mop and slide the bucket over to the corner, channeling my inner Cinderella. The water sloshed all over the place when I pulled the mop out and dropped it down to the floor. I started to push the soapy water all around the floor.
"You might want to uh…ring the water out before putting the mop down." I heard a familiar voice from behind me. I looked back and gave a look before refocusing on my task. From the small glimpse I caught, Edward was once again dirty and unshaven but he was no longer of my concern.
"You came back…I didn't know if I would ever see you again." He continued on, "I went to your house everyday…I wanted to apologize."
I pushed my bucket around finding a new spot to mop.
"I fucked up. I know that, Bella. I…once again lost my temper and instead of helping I did the exact opposite. You have every right to be upset with me. I am an asshole. I was a horrible friend to you. Would you please accept my apology, I am incredibly sorry for making you feel that way."
"Apologize?" I asked, "Why would you want to apologize? I am…everything you think I am."
I turned back to my mop and continued to push the water around on the floor. My mop suddenly stopped and I could see Edward's hand on the top of it halting me.
"I think…you're amazing woman…I think that you're one of the strongest people I've ever met." He said softly.
I scoffed and pulled the mop from him, "Sure you do."
"Bella, I'm sorry I was a jerk. I was completely insensitive to your needs and my impatience hurt our friendship."
"Friendship?" I scoffed, "We're not friends. We never were."
"I've had a lot of time to think about everything I did that was wrong. Where I failed you. I think about you so much I haven't been of any use the past few days."
"Awe, did pulling you out of your natural habitat disrupt your livelihood?" I mocked, "Don't think about me. Move on with your life and consider me a failed experiment. You tried to get the stuck-up rich girl with a Grinch like heart to realize the error of her ways. Consider me damaged goods if you don't want to admit defeat and move on. There are plenty of other selfish assholes out there for you to go and "befriend.""
"No. I'm not going to abandon you…my friend. You may hate me right now but I'm not giving up on us or our friendship."
"Are you like fucking deaf…"
"Hey Little B and homeless dude." Emmett's booming voice broke us from our confrontation. We both looked over at him irritated.
"Whoa…tough crowd. Am I interrupting something?" Emmett backed up playfully.
"You obviously are." The blonde one stated.
"No. We're done." I turned back to my bucket and pushed on.
Edward finally took the hint and returned to his kitchen. A half hour later the blonde one came out to critique me.
"Do you think you're going to finish by the time we open?" She asked.
"If you're so concerned, maybe you should pick up a mop and help out rather than standing there and criticizing." I retorted. "But you know what would make my night extra peachy? Hearing not another word out of your mouth."
"I can see how much you matured since last we met." She replied before flipping her blond hair and returning through the swinging doors of the kitchen. I looked down at my dirty water in my mop bucket and pictured pinning her pretty blonde head down into it. I always knew we would kill one another if we were forced to work together again. Well at least I had that to look forward to.
It was finally time to open the doors and so I went to stand in my spot to help scoop out macaroni and cheese. One scoop per person not a smidge more. If Alice was smart she would have placed someone between Rosalie and myself. Couldn't she sense the tension? For someone who apparently knew all including my path to life, she sure did suck at the details.
"So, you and Edward in a lover's quarrel?" The first question of the night.
"Watch out, Rosalie. You wouldn't want your man hearing you pine after someone else." I countered. "It's so incredibly painful to see the desperation. All you ever seem to want to talk about is this homeless guy. Emmett's a good guy; maybe someone should clue him in on your little crush."
She laughed dryly, "You think I have a thing for Edward?"
"Why would you even care to mention him if you didn't."
"You don't know the first thing about Edward… or me… or Emmett."
"You act like I even care about you…or Emmett… or Edward." I rolled my eyes.
She let a small amount of time pass before she started again.
"Look, I just want to know. Why are you here? None of it makes any sense. You're a really wealthy girl who couldn't care less about the people around her and yet you spend your time at a soup kitchen where you don't even care enough to look up at the people you're serving. You act like this is a punishment or a job that you can do the bare minimum with. Why do you do this? There has to be a reason. Is it about Alice? About Carlisle Cullen? Are you some type of spy trying to get in good with the Cullen's?"
I swallowed harshly and continued to stare down at my tray. Scope and slop. Scoop and slop. The mac and cheese was extra runny today, not at all up to Edward's usual standards. Her words sunk deep into my mind but I tried to run interference so they wouldn't stay.
"I know your father is Charles Swan. I know he's in investments. Is there something going on here? Did he send you here? You know that what you're doing could be considered illegal if he manages to make a move on Cullen Media Group."
I turned and looked her straight in the eye. "You found me out. My father asked me to take in a homeless stranger in hopes of earning favor with the daughter of some important asshole. He pays me to come here and put my talons into the owner of a soup kitchen because he's thinks she is the key to making Cullen…Media Group venerable enough to take a dive on the stock market. My father who runs a company that is worth billions of dollars is that fucking stupid to come up with some lame ass strategy like that. Please do everyone a favor and climb back under whatever bleached blonde rock you crawled out from and shut the fuck up."
She stood there staring at me with a mixture of contempt and shock while silence had befallen the Horizons soup kitchen.
"I really feel sorry for you, Bella. It must be hard living in this world all alone with no friends. It's pathetic." She replied quietly.
"Rosalie." I heard someone say but I was already in motion. I flung a scoop full of macaroni and cheese at her and it hit here square in the face and you know for someone who praised herself on being so incredibly mature that bitch took two seconds to register what I had done before lunging at me. We both fell to the ground and when she came down on top of me the whole pan of macaroni and cheese came down on top of us. It was like the World Wrestling Federation had entered the soup kitchen.
I could feel myself being pulled back from the crazy blonde bitch as I continued to fight for everything I was worth. Hair, cheese, skin on skin, sticky, screaming, yellow. Just a few words to describe the horrific blue box match that took place on the checkered floor.
Emmett pulled Rosalie away and I hadn't even registered that it was Edward pulling me back until he pulled me through the swinging kitchen doors.
"LET ME GO!" I screamed. "I'm going to fuck her up."
I wrestled with Edward's iron grip on me. I had a feeling he was having even more trouble keeping a hold of my slimy self.
"CALM DOWN!" He yelled over my screaming as he continued to pull me out the back exit. My shoes slipped on the tiled floor, I left a trail of macaroni pasta as we went. We finally were out the back and he set me down on a chair.
"Do you want me to help you get that shit off or not?" he barked as I tried to jump back up. "Stay here."
He walked over to the hose and brought it back as I tried to calm my breathing. My head pounded as my heart raced.
"This might be a little cold but if we can just get the major parts cleaned off you…you could at least go home without ruining your car." Edward said before turning on the hose. I closed my eyes as he started to hose me down.
I remained strong and kept my girlish screams in. The water wasn't a little cold, it was fucking cold. But he was right; I couldn't go home with macaroni and cheese littering my car. Eventually though I was able to calm down enough where my heart racing turned into shivers and my shivers turned into tears.
I sat there sniffling and shaking as Edward tried to wash me quickly. Alice popped out for a second and dropped what look like a towel off. I didn't acknowledge her and neither did Edward. I didn't know if she was pissed off at me but I wouldn't blame her.
Edward finally put the hose away. My clothes were still stained with the yellow cheese but I couldn't find macaroni anywhere. Edward picked up the massive towel and wrapped it around me, rubbing my arms up and down.
"Would you like me to drive you home?" he asked softly.
"I'll manage." Was all I could say.
"Bella, what Rosalie said to you…"he trailed off.
"It's all true. I came here wanting to befriend Alice Cullen as a personal favor to my father Charles Swan. I heard about a take down of some media company I never even knew of and thought, yep, that's for me." I replied sarcastically.
"She…she said what?" Edward asked disbelieving.
"You know, I don't even know what's more pathetic. Rosalie thinking that that is why I am here…at this soup kitchen or me actually wishing she was right. She stood there tonight spinning this story about me and my father and for even a second, I wished that that was my reality. I would rather be implicated in corporate espionage then face the truth that my father…" I had to pause to get my voice under control. I quickly wiped away my tears and turned back to him, "doesn't even give one shit about me."
"Bella, that's not true. Look, I know what it is to have a very busy and important father and even though they never get a chance to see you or talk to you as much as they would like, as much as you would want, it doesn't mean that they don't care about you."
He pulled me into a hug and he stood there in the back ally of a soup kitchen holding me while I lost it.
"I'm sorry for what Rosalie said to you. She…doesn't know the first about you and she was completely ignorant."
"She wasn't completely ignorant. She questioned my reasons for being here and let's face it, those are less than honorable. She said I didn't have any friends and I was lonely. Besides the loony bin story of taking down Carlisle Cullen, I'd say she was spot on."
"She isn't. I'm your friend and I'm still here. I fucked up. There are going to be days when you fuck up but friendships aren't always easy. You get mad at one another and then you come around and forgive each other. You can be mad at me, Bella but like I said, I'm not going anywhere." He replied sincerely.
"I don't have the strength right now to be mad at more than one person. My head already feels like it's going to explode. I just need to go back to bed. I need my Cherry Garcia and memory foam mattress." I sniffled.
"I'll take you home." He wrapped the towel around me tighter, "Stay here, I'll go get your things and we can go."
He went to the back door but stopped when I called out for him.
"Alice is going to kill me, isn't she? That's twice that food was wasted on my watch." I couldn't imagine how Alice's head didn't pop off. She had gotten crazy over a half of a banana, what would she do with a whole pan of macaroni and cheese?
"I highly doubt you're on her radar right now." Edward said before leaving.
I stood out there freezing. If I thought I was cold when Edward threw me into the pool, this was far worse. Overall this was all far worse. I stood there contemplating the past twenty-three years I had been on this planet with one question in mind.
"Hey, got your stuff. Let's get going." Edward interrupted my quest.
I followed him out to my car and he unlocked it and placed my things in the back seat. He walked over to the passenger door and held it open for me.
"You're not driving my car." I stated.
"Why not? I don't think you should be driving in your state of mind."
"You probably don't even have a license."
"I have a driver's license. Would you just…trust me for once?"
"Trust you? Every time I trust you, you either yell at me or throw me into a pool." I responded.
"I promise to not yell at you or drive this car into a pool. Now would you …" He gestured for me to get into the passenger side. Reluctantly I sighed and walked over. He helped me in and shut the door. I was incredibly exhausted and I'm not sure if Edward driving me into a pool would have even shaken me from my thoughts.
"Where did my life all go wrong? I don't remember ever feeling so unhappy. Is this…karma, like you said? Was I so far in the negative that now my life is hopeless?"
"I don't believe in karma. If karma was real and people on earth really had to answer for their behavior then the bad guys wouldn't always win and justice really would be for all. Karma is just one of those things to make people think twice. Like religion."
"But just a few days ago you were spouting off about karma credits…points…whatever…"
"I was just spewing bull shit to get you out of your room."
I sighed and sat back in my chair as Edward pulled into my garage. He got out of the car but I made no movement to do so. The heater was off and I would start to feel the coldness creep in but I didn't want to go back into my house. That house was empty and sucked my soul out. My bed was amazing but it was turning into an addiction. Cocaine had nothing on St. Agnes.
"Hey, you coming in?" Edward asked opening my door.
"No…I don't want to." I whispered.
He sighed and crouched down next to me, bracing himself with the car door.
"I don't think you're a bad person. I don't even think you have done bad things. Can you improve upon yourself, yes. We all can, Bella. That's what life is all about. Finding ways to improve upon ourselves. The pursuit of happiness. If you're unhappy, then only you can change that. Your father may be an asshole but he's not responsible for your happiness. Search down inside and find what it is that you think will make you happy and then go after it."
I know that his words were true but I couldn't look past all the pain and sadness I was feeling. I stared at him wanting for them to spark a revolution inside me but nothing came.
"Come on." He held out a hand to me realizing that I wasn't going to comprehend tonight. I took his hand and he helped me out of the car. My body felt stiff from the coldness that crept into my muscles. I headed straight for the laundry room and found some clean yoga pants and shirt. I didn't go upstairs opting for the guest bathroom that Edward had used. I knew if I went upstairs at this point, I would never leave.
I showered for a long while. I allowed myself one good cry telling myself that it was better to get it out here where no one would see me. It also made me feel better to not know which drops were tears and which drops were manufactured from the shower head.
How could I ever allow someone like Rosalie to get so far under my skin? How had I become this vulnerable?
I dressed slowly and pulled the blanket off the guest room bed wrapping myself in it before settling myself on the couch.
"Your kitchen was a little bare so I had to make due." Edward explained handing me a plate of chicken and vegetables.
"You should be proud; I didn't go for takeout once while you were gone." I replied.
"I am…and I know. I thought for sure you would have ordered some. I tried waiting at your door hoping some delivery guy would show up but…they never came."
"Stalker." I retorted half-heartily.
He shrugged unabashed. "We can go shopping tomorrow."
Part of me liked that he was making plans because even though I should be upset with Edward and his past behavior, I also didn't want to be alone at the moment.
"Wanna watch a movie?" I asked hoping to prolong the inevitable climb to my bedroom.
"Sounds…perfect." He said settling himself down on the couch a cushion away. He usually opted for the single high back chair but I wasn't about to make waves saying anything. We both ate our dinner in silence watching How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days.
"I don't understand why this is a romantic comedy? What is so romantic about two people who lie to each other about their true intentions. They both played these awful characters whose relationship started on lies and yet were supposed to believe that they end up happily ever after?" I stated bitterly.
I could see Edward become very tense. Maybe my negativity was causing him stress.
"I'm sorry, I…I'm just not in a very romantic comedy mood. Maybe we should have watched…The Terminator or something." I apologized.
"It's okay…most romantic comedy's elude me and…I don't know if The Terminator would have been a better choice. I don't need you running off with a shotgun telling Rosalie that "you'll be back.""
"Maybe we should watch something depressing like Schindler's List. Then at least I would have a good reason to cry. I hate crying…I feel pathetic and weak…and like a girl."
Edward moved a little closer to me, "It's okay to cry…sometimes it helps."
I looked at him and could feel my tears spike up.
"You really are a friend…aren't you? You would waste your Friday night sitting next to an emotionally unbalanced girl…who hasn't always been nice to you." I sniffled.
He moved closer and wrapped his arm around me. "That's what friends are for."
I nodded and melted into his arms.
"Bella…there's something…I need to tell you. Something that…you may hate me for." His voice shook.
I looked up at him and pulled back. I didn't want to hate him. I didn't want him to leave and if he told me and it was horrible, then he would leave. I wanted to sit here on this couch and get whatever human contact I could get because I had never felt lower than I did now.
"Don't tell me." I whispered. "I don't want to know…you're the…only person I have left and if you tell me and it's bad…then I'll have nobody. Can you just forget it for now? I can't take another…." The tears came and Edward pulled me back to him.
"Okay…okay." he replied softly.
I'm sure that not knowing whatever he had to say would weigh on me but what if it was horrible? What if it was something I couldn't live with? What if knowing meant I would be giving up my friend, my only friend.
Now was just not the time.
AN: THANK YOU! THANK YOU FOR READING AND REVIEWING!